Monday, July 08/19
So on my way to play golf at The Mississippi Golf Club on Saturday, I heard a song on the radio that made me take pause and think about the lyrics and what they meant to me.........
The song? Broken by Lonely the Band.
It's an interesting song and I highly suggest giving it a listen to see if it resonates with you like it did, actually does, with me.
I've posted recently that I'm struggling with things and nothing has changed about that statement, I am struggling but I know that I am and that is half the battle when trying to push through to the other side and see the light once again.
I've had a few messages from followers expressing some concern and offering to meet for a drink and chat, offers I appreciate, but please rest assured there is no chance I'll ever do anything to harm myself as I know that doing so would not make me feel better and actually hurt those around me far more than I am feeling right now.
So what do I mean by broken?
We are all broken at some point or another in our lives. Maybe our spirit has been broken over time, maybe we are physically breaking down, maybe our relationship is showing some chinks, maybe we have doubts spiritually, or maybe everything is showing the normal wear and tear of time that looked at alone doesn't seem too much but when taken together feels more than a little overwhelming.
I think it is the last that epitomizes my own state these days.
My spirit took a blow a few years ago that I didn't really see coming and has only recently started to recover from enough to let me contemplate moving forward in my search for love.
Physically, I'm more broken than I've ever been and that says quite a bit given how much into sports I was in my younger years, maybe it's those earlier activities that are coming back to haunt me now.
Emotionally I'd say I was far more broken than I thought when things imploded back in 2015. I was caught off guard when a decision was made unilaterally that had a huge impact on my life, a life I saw moving in one direction that wasn't shared in the least. Part of what left me reeling from that decision was that I never saw it coming, never realized things were so tenuous between us, that I was so unaware of the situation that I was playing in left field all by myself.
That simple feeling of being so unaware did a number on my self-confidence, to such an extent that I basically shut down all external relationships and just stopped trying, living behind my false front that being single wasn't a bad thing and I didn't mind doing things on my own.
Well, I've come to realize that has to be the biggest fucking lie I've ever told myself.
I don't want to be alone nor do things by myself if I don't have to.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to deny myself a nice meal at Baton Rouge or go and skip seeing a movie solo just because I'm single and don't have anyone to do these with, but it would sure be nice to do them with another person.
When my marriage ended in 2007 I sort of dated someone almost right off the bat before realizing I wasn't really ready to make any commitments and ended things to start the healing process. It was about a year later that I entered the dating pool once again, confident that I was happy with myself and could actually put myself out there once again.
With Corinne, it feels like only now, almost 4 years later, that I'm in that same place where I'm starting to feel that sense of "Joie De Vivre" in regards to meeting people.
Kind of strange that it only took me a little over a year to overcome the end of a thirteen-year relationship and almost four years to get over one that really only had a one-year life span.
Wonder what that really says about the depth of my feelings for the two parties involved.
When you are broken you can do one of two things - continue on without any attempts to change things or fix the problems so you an opportunity to be happy.
I am broken......for now
I have healed my broken heart and it grows stronger every day, strong enough to risk it once more in my search for my one.
I have decided that I'm not going to stand on the sidelines anymore, my place is in the great arena we call dating.
Seeing how much I love golf I thought it appropriate to incorporate a golf term into today's post, Moving Day. It refers to the 3rd day, usually Saturday, of a 4-day tournament when players start to make a move to position themselves to challenge for the win on Sunday.
Well, guess what? It's moving day for me people in regards to finding love.
My name is Marcus and for far too long I've wallowed in self-pity over a decision I had no say in, it's time to take back control over my life and hopefully, someone will see me as the catch I think I am.
You can reach me at ooasm2018@gmail.com should the desire strike :)
