Upon Further Review

Thursday, July 27/17

Upon further review I find myself wanting as a boyfriend.

Not the easiest thing for one to think about themselves let alone acknowledge out loud or in print, but still the truth nonetheless. Sometimes these self-declared statements hit closer to the bone than anything another person can say about you, maybe because you can’t argue against your own conclusions as easily as you can against those made by someone else, maybe you can but if you are honest with yourself you won’t waste the time trying.

So what has led me to this conclusion you ask?

I try and self-reflect about my life, my actions, and the end results every now and again.

The past few days has seen me looking inside myself a little more than usual as I’ve been thinking about the whole relationship conundrum I seem to find myself battling the last few months.

The conundrum is that I want to be in a relationship but hate the whole initial dating process so much that I don’t even respond to the majority of messages sent my way, think along the lines of reading and deleting around 95% of all messages I receive. Probably not the kind of statistics  I should be striving for if I really don’t want to be that old guy who grows old all alone, which is kind of where I seem to be heading these days.

When my marriage ended I spent almost a year dealing with it under the guidance of a therapist and figured out where I went wrong, vowing to never do that again and mostly being successful in keeping my vow.

One thing I learned was that I didn’t communicate my thoughts, feelings, and desires anywhere as clearly as I thought and even though I felt them inside of me by not letting them out I came across as someone who had lost interest in his partner, took her for granted, and didn’t show her enough that she mattered to me, that she made me feel like a human being, and that I savored that feeling.

So when I started to date C I tried really hard to be more open with my feelings, to let her know where I saw things between us, hoping she would have no doubt as to my being in the relationship.

But when I think back about some of the non-verbal cues I was sending her it’s not hard to see why things failed between us.

One can think they are using verbal skills to express one’s own self but it is the non-verbal communications that really stand out more than anything in giving someone a view into your intentions.

Most of this has come to me over the last days as I’ve been doing just some ordinary day to day activities that provided me some moments to reflect upon my past actions. You might be surprised to learn that a good number of the blog entries have come to me while taking Moki for a walk in the park in the morning or at the end of the day.  This same act was done with C whenever we were visiting one another and every time I am doing it I think back about our chats while commenting on the wonder puppy.

So what leads me to think that I should consider myself to be wanting as a boyfriend?

A couple of key things come to mind that make me cringe when I think back about them.

When we did the house hunting trip up in the valley back in April 2015 I made a comment about hoping there were good golf courses in the area so I’d have things to do when I came up for visits.

I know, even writing that makes me think of myself as a complete ass bag. But wait it gets better, I also made some comment about hoping the cable TV package she got would have the Golf Channel on it so I’d have something to do in the winter months when I couldn’t golf.

Don’t worry about thinking poorly of me for those two statements as I totally deserve it and have probably called myself worse names than you are thinking of right now.

Those are bad enough but when you take into account that literally almost every Saturday I was there I would get out of bed at 6am to go and play golf, leaving her behind, when I should have remembered that she was my partner and we only got to see one another every other weekend most of the time.

It’s not like staying in bed would have been bad as spooning is one of my favourite things, and spooning isn’t some kind of sexual innuendo for having sex, though in my experience it does tend to lead to some hot mutually beneficial action more often than not.

Hindsight is a wonderful gift and one I wish was available to us long before the moment it actually becomes required.

I’m hoping that I can take my experiences from these last two relationships and improve upon my worthiness as boyfriend material as I really don’t want to end up alone for the rest of my life.

Now I’ve just got to convince myself to step out of my comfort zone and actually initiate a few conversations in order to see what could develop.  Easier said than done but I’m bound and determined to make it happen.

My name is Marcus and being found wanting doesn't mean you have to remain that way.

Today's musical suggestion is "Roll Up" by Fitz & the Tantrums. Quirky little song with a nice beat.

I Can Do Better, So Much Better - Completed

Saturday, July 22/17

10:48 AM EST
So this post is going to be a work in progress and I ask you to be patient as it unfolds over the next day or so.

I really don't mean to tease you with this one but it's really more because I'm still rounding this entry out in my mind before completely posting it.

So for now here is a little homework for you, don't worry as there won't be any grades issued, it's more to just get you thinking.

When you read the blog tag line "I can do better, so much better" what comes to mind?

To be continued.................

Sunday, July 24/17
7:29 PM EST

"I can do better, so much better"

A pretty innocuous message in and of itself, probably one we've all used or heard at some point in our lives, whether as a youngster just flexing our wings of independence, a student at school, an athlete attempting to enhance our skills, or at work after a project has been completed and the post review is being rounded out.

I can remember being in high school and getting a history mid term back that was scored as an 81 but was way below what I was capable of scoring when I made the effort, and as my teacher placed the exam on my desk she sort of looked at me with one eye brow arched as if to ask what the story was behind the mark and I looked at her and said "I can do better" and she smiled and replied "I know you can and will before the term ends".

I can't begin to count the number of times I've completely screwed up a shot in a round of golf that should be like second nature to me and said to myself "C'mon Marcus, you can do better than that"

The saying is not the end of the world and is usually self invoked when we realize the outcome could have, and should, have been better than actually happened.

Sometimes we get the visual cue to proclaim it from someone close to us, parents, siblings, partner, children, boss, or as in my case a teacher.

But it rarely comes to as an unsolicited statement of declaration issued by someone directly to us.

Rarely being the operative word in that last sentence.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before I am a member of the dating site called eHarmony, the wonderful site that introduced me to C and changed my life.

As hard as this is going to be to believe, I'm a pretty reserved guy, far more introvert than extrovert, and have a very hard time meeting members of the opposite sex. I know that if C or the mother of my children were to read that last sentence they'd both argue vehemently that I'm far from shy or introverted, but the truth is that being around either of them made it easier for me to talk to others out of the blue as I wasn't trying to make that all important first impression on them as I was already with someone pretty darn special to me in my mind.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I become a mute around women it's just there is no ability on my end to use words to get her to see me as any thing other than a potential great guy friend. I find it even hard to start things up on dating websites where it should be the easiest to do given the ability to sit behind a computer screen and not have to see the visual reactions to my attempts.

So Friday I received a message from eHarmony about a new match we'll call Erica and decided to see who this person was and if I thought we might have some common interests, well enough of them to see if I should send a message saying hi, which I never do as I'm just too damn scared of the rejection.

She seemed really nice, cute, educated, and wanted to meet someone with whom she could possibly start a family. That was a deal breaker for me as I'm not looking to have more kids given my age and the fact that I've got three years of university to help pay for and than some RESP funding to do for my grandson.

I logged out and watched some Netflix while doing laundry - maybe these exciting activities on a Friday night are more indicative of my appeal factor to the opposite sex than I actually give them credit for these days.

Around 11 pm I got a notification in my Gmail from eHarmony saying Erica was interested in me and had sent me a message.

I logged back into eHarmony and found a direct message from her, not the usual smile or series of questions that is more common in the initial phases of getting to know someone on eHarmony.

Here is the entire message from Erica:
"Hi, I noticed you took the time to look at my profile and I just wanted to let you know that I can do better, so much better, so please don't waste my time by contacting me"

Pretty bold statement from someone who had her profile looked at. Just looked at and nothing else, no smile sent, no questions from the set available to choose from, nothing more than a look.

My first impression is she is someone who truly displays some serious passive aggressive emotional issues to say the least.

eHarmony has made it pretty simple to close out things with another member if you don't feel like there is any connection. You can hide the profile from further viewing or even block them completely, they can't see you or you them ever again, with the message being sent that you've moved on.

Now if this was me I'd have just blocked the person and continued on with my life, but for some reason Miss Erica felt she needed to let me know that not only was I not interesting to her but that she could do better than choosing me. Now to be fair to her she probably could do better as I'm not father material, least to new babies coming into my life nor am I a big fan of rock climbing, one of her key interests, though we did appear to both enjoy golf, but when I think back to her picture on the course it looked more like one of those photo shoots people get done than an actual round of golf in progress lol.

I've never acted so blunt or rudely to anyone who has looked at my profile, if I return the favour and don't see a connection I just move on, I don't send a message belittling them for making an effort to see what I'm about. I think this is hardest part of dating in this day and age, people don't see anything wrong with being mean to a total stranger or understand the concept that karma can be a royal bitch.

I don't wish Erica any ill will but am pretty confident that somewhere down the road a guy is going to treat her like a piece of shit and she'll understand what it is like to be rejected without ever having made an effort in the first place.

Have you ever had someone reject you before you even made the move to see if they were interested in you and what could happen if you actually communicated a bit?

My name is Marcus and while I loathe the entire dating process I understand it is a necessary evil I'll have to endure if I'm going to create opportunities to meet the one who is imperfectly perfect for me.

I wasn't planning on a musical suggestion for this entry but on the way home from my 4th round of golf played in the last 3 days I heard "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young and decided it would be today's offering.

The glance, the double take, was it her Doppelganger, maybe

Wednesday, July 12/17

So there I was this morning minding my own business as I was slowly making my way to work on the 417 headed down to the Glebe.

Traffic wasn't horrible but it wasn't exactly zipping along with any great speed either. I was doing my usual thing listening to the morning show on The New Hot 89.9 and cheering on Rush in the Crush Rush segment as I'm a Rush Head Nation fan. I sort of people watch when driving to work as I like to see if anyone else is smiling or laughing like myself as I hear something funny on the radio.

Today was like every other day in that I was watching the cars ahead of me, checking my rear view mirror to see how close the car behind me was to my bumper and mentally thinking to myself someone that close to my backside should actually buy me a drink at least before getting so darn close.

As I neared the Carling Avenue exit I looked to my right to see an attractive woman in a car passing me, I noticed her short hair and it made me smile, kind of my own private kryptonite, and than moved my eyes back forward just in case traffic slowed down. I'd say about 2 seconds passed when I did the double take as she looked really familiar but her car was already slightly ahead of me as traffic continued to pick up speed having passed the normal bottle necks.

I thought about it and decided it was worth another look and sped up a bit and changed lanes so I could pass on her right, which also put me in good position to take my own exit at Bank Street, and sure enough I was pretty certain I was looking at C. I didn't slow down and try to make eye contact as that would have been kind of weird and very distracting to say the least.

I smiled as I exited down the off ramp and wondered where she had been coming from since it was obvious she had come from somewhere in the west end and was headed downtown to her old building.

As I drove down Bank Street I started to think that maybe I saw was what I wanted to see and in reality the woman I noticed had a resemblance to C but wasn't her as her next position is down in Washington D.C. and I'm sure she would want to get down there and get her living arrangements settled as soon as possible. She'll have much better pickings there than she did up in the valley but will also probably be shocked by the cost of those lodgings, might just cut into her wine funds, who am I kidding, my girl would slash other expenses before she gave up on her wine :)

I haven't mentioned this little potential encounter, hell I'm not even sure the woman noticed me at all, as I can't figure out how to tell my friends or family without sounding a bit on the wacky side but thought what better way to get it off my chest than to share with you my faithful audience.

Have you ever come across someone who was a dead ringer for someone you know but it wasn't them at all? I'm not sure if that was C or her Doppelganger but for a few minutes there my heart kicked up a few beats and I smiled one of those smiles that makes you feel more alive.

My name is Marcus and life offers us some unique opportunities to remake ourselves into something better, this might be happening to me these days as I'm contemplating some serious changes in my life and while they might be kind of scary, they might also offer me some inner peace and get me back to where I was in the middle of 2015, feeling more calm, in control, and accepting of my life's direction.

Today's musical suggestion comes from London Grammar......."Oh Woman Oh Man"  Interesting lyrics and some kick ass temp to go along and her voice.......so rich and so enthralling......take me away and let me float to your words

The Weekend

Sunday, July 09/17

So I finally got to play some golf yesterday and the topper was that I got to play a new course, I knew all about but had just never managed to play yet.

The weather so far this summer has left a lot to be desired what with the constant rainfall that has seen some of my kids soccer games cancelled in order to protect the fields from damage and my own home course closed several times due to flooding.

It was so bad at Stittsville Golf that there was flooding stretching from the 2nd fairway across the 15th, 16th, 17th, and the 8th that pretty much left members scrambling to get any games in.

Now I didn't play last weekend due to Canada Day and wasn't really sure I wanted to play this weekend as I've been wrestling with some things in my life and decisions I need to make but when my buddy Brant called around noon to ask if I was interested in playing I decided to give it a go and told him to find us a teem time. He managed to get a 2:20 tee of at The Marshes Golf Club in North Kanata and we agreed to meet there for 2pm.

Marshes was designed by Robert Trent Jones Sr, and has to rank among the top 3 courses in Ottawa and plays like it. When I got to the course and loaded my bag onto the mandatory cart Brant told me to enjoy the course as my score would be a lot higher than I would like and laughed.

He wasn't kidding as the course plays like a monster and I shot my worse round of the last 3 years coming in at a solid 106!!!!!!

But I really enjoyed the round, high score and all, as it was something new and made me think about every single shot. The fact that there was a constant wind blowing probably made the course play longer than the listed 6,400 yards we played from the blue tees. Now that 106 is kind of misleading as I did manage 1 par and 6 bogeys but also had 4 shots go out of bounds that led to 8 strokes alone.

I've never seen a course with greens that had so much undulation in them. How much you ask? Well I managed to hit my ball about 9 feet past the hole on the par 3 third and than 5 putted to score a wonderful triple bogey as my first putt didn't hold the crest and slowly slide past the hole all the way back to the front of the green, leaving me a 20 foot uphill putt, which I preceded to short hit and watch slide right back down to my feet, I over hit the next one past the hole and somehow got lucky with my fifth attempt and read both the break and speed perfectly and felt pretty damn lucky to escape with that 6.

As we walked off the green towards our cart Brant looked at me with a raised eyebrow expecting me to let loose a stream of profanity as he knows I actually take pride in my putting and that little shit show had to piss me off to no end. I smiled at him and said it really was a nice course and I was going to enjoy every moment on it today.

The rest of our round was pretty much dead even and he came in a with a 104 to my 106 and we both agreed it was one of the hardest courses we've played but that we'd be back again as there is no way any course is going to kick my ass that badly without me coming back for a 2nd chance.

I got to talk to my son last night and hear about his new summer job working as a camp counsellor, so far so good and he said he'll be saving the majority of his earnings to buy text books this fall, his decision and one I appreciate since the RESP's his mom and I have set up will cover off tuition and incidental fees for the next 3 years.

This morning was about going to watch my grandson at his swimming lesson followed by breakfast with my daughter, her fiance, and the sleeping baby Jack :)  Swimming is exhausting when your are only 7 months old lol

Over breakfast they filled me in on the wedding plans and advised me that the resort in Mexico has a golf course so I should plan on getting in some January rounds, you've got to love it when the kids think of the old man and his addiction.

When they told me the location I did have one moment of reflection and didn't think it showed but as we were leaving the my daughter leaned into me and asked me what crossed my mind when they mentioned Mexico and I admitted I wished I was going with someone as it seems like a good trip to do with a partner. In all honesty I did think of someone in particular but didn't mention her name as I've really got to get over her and continue moving on with my life, though it's easier said than done, especially when FaceBook brings her up in my profile as someone I might know and I get to see her smile and twinkling eyes again in a new profile picture.

My daughter hugged me and said I just have to be patient and open to the possibilities out there.

Love her optimism but don't think she realizes how hard dating gets the older one becomes.

I took Moki for a long walk when I got home and let her off leash for most of it as I'm working on her discipline when she comes across people. Have to admit she is doing really well and several people commented on what a wonderful dog she is and how well behaved she was too.

I decided to take advantage of the sunny weather and sat on the deck this afternoon with my iPad to do some reading and enjoy a glass of wine, a chilled Pinot Grigio if you must know. Now that last part is really out of character for me as I rarely drink but it just seemed like the thing to do at that moment. Doing it also made me think of better times when I shared a glass with C and would watch as Moki curled up in her lap.

My life isn't quite where I hoped it would be but it really could be worse, a lot worse, so instead of complaining about the bed being unmade maybe I should remember who messed it up in the first place and it's up to nobody else but myself to fix it. The unmade bed being a metaphor for the ruins I've made of my love life these past 2 years for those wondering.

My name is Marcus and I'm a work in progress. No clue as to how long the work will take but the ride should be interesting and I invite you to come along and participate in it vicariously.

Today's musical suggestion is "Right Now" by Haim.  Please don't read too much into the lyrics and try and associate them to today's blog entry as though they are good, it's really the tempo and instrumentals that caught my attention.

Happy Canada Day!!!!!

Saturday, July 01/17

Today marks the 150th birthday of Canada and I have to say the old girl is looking pretty good for her age all things considered.

We've come a long way since 1867 and that historic moment when we changed from the Province of Canada to become the Dominion of Canada and a nation in our own right.

I'm proud to be Canadian and am grateful to my mother for having never surrendered her citizenship and thus permitting me to claim my own back in 1995, making the move from Southern California back to my native homeland.

It's going to one raucous party downtown come rain or shine and I hope everyone gets a chance to bump into someone and then say sorry.....it's just what we do and it makes us who we are in more ways than one.

I'm not really doing anything special myself as I'm partially on call to be the designated driver for my son and his friends as there is a rather large party going down at one of the friends later this afternoon stretching into the night. I'll make sure to be walking Moki later when the fireworks go off over at the KRC Walter Baker Centre and get my smiles on for sure.

So here is hoping everyone has a great day celebrating our nations 150th birthday and here is to the next 150 years as well..........

And of course this wouldn't be complete without our furry friends involvement :-)

So whether you are in Canada with family and friends. one of the many Canadians travelling abroad, or in our awesome military serving oversees and keeping the world a better place please accept my best wishes on this momentous day.

Happy Birthday Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcus the proud Canadian