The Perks of Being a Wallflower

July 29/13

Today's musical recommendation is: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake


So I watched the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and the tag line for the movie really made me take a moment and think about how true it is for me.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Lately I've been wondering if I'm single not so much because there aren't many women out there looking for a somewhat shy introvert who can express himself through his writing much easier than with the spoken word but possibly more so because I'm unsure of what type of love I am actually deserving of.......

I've had two long term relationships over the course of my life and in one  I was the dominant partner and the other was more balanced between being dominant and subordinate. Now when I use the term dominant it isn't some pseudo sexual term but rather delineates which partner made the majority of relationship decisions.

In the first it was definitely me who was dominant, almost to the point it seemed like I was the only one making decisions and was more a father figure than a boyfriend to my partner. I think as this relationship developed I became more and more aware of this role and let it dictate how long I let things go before I finally pulled the trigger and called it quits. I remember when I met my best friend for a drink to tell him I was ending my relationship how he smiled and said it was about time I grew a set, as he so eloquently put it.

The later was more a balanced relationship and I think that is why when it ended it affected far more than the first one, actually left me feeling a bit lost that first year post separation and had me seeking someone to talk to about the things I was feeling as I put the pieces of my life back together. Luckily for me I had some good bosses who were pretty understanding about my mental fog and two pretty amazing kids who loved me no matter what was happening between their parents.

I see couples around me all the time and wonder why that can't be me, well at least me being the male in the relationship, and the truth is that I just haven't met the woman who can really make me want to stop being single right now.  Not that my being single means I'm going out with a different women every week, out partying to all hours, or chasing around after women half my age. No, what that statement means is that I'm quite content with my life as it currently stands. I have a good job that pays me a fair wage, some hobbies/interests that keep me entertained when my son is with his mom and my daughter far too busy to hang out with her dad.  I get to do what I want when I want without any issues other than making sure I get home at some point to take the dog out for her walks.

But the truth is that as the days pass I am starting to find myself feeling more and more alone, wondering if I've accepted being on my own as the way my life will pan out, and subconsciously sending out that vibe to those I meet.

What kind of love do I deserve?

I think I, like all of you out there, deserve to be wanted........not just in the sense that someone wants your body, though there is nothing wrong with that, but rather that they are willing to forgo other plans in order to be with you. That is what I've been missing as there has yet to be anyone who makes me think sublimating my own plans to hers would be in my best interests. Now I'm going to concede that in the short run doing so would make some of those Sunday morning a lot less lonely and far more physically active but the truth is that sex falls somewhat down the list of needs these days. Not for lack of interest but when you're young the saying "Young, dumb, and full of cum" is far more apt to be true than it is when you are older and appreciate that a real relationship means more than hot sex every night. Reality has a nasty way of showing you who is boss once you get into your thirties.

So even as I go through my daily run of activities I'll keep my eyes open and hope I cross paths with the woman who will willingly have me thinking about skipping a round of golf in order to spend time with her doing just anything we can think up.........

Are you guilty of this too?

July 25/13

Today's musical recommendation is 3 Feet Tall by Classified.  It's rap but not hard core and the message is pretty amazing.  Watch the YouTube video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BV_b9zTUvs&fb_source=message


So I've written recently about the company I work for being acquired by another and all the attendant stress that went along with it in terms of the crazy work loads prior to the sale, worrying about job cuts, and having survived "Synergistic" Tuesday the resulting new work duties.

As part of the post sale closing we've had people in the office from our new European parent and there have been some comments made about depth of experience and how critical I am in the new organization but I've tended to blow these things off with some self-deprecating remarks about how anyone could do the things I'm working on.

I never even realized I'd been doing it or to the extent I'd done so until one of the European managers took me aside this morning and sort of lit into me for not understanding how much value I bring to the new company based on my experience, education, and general "lets get it done" attitude I've always been known for.

It made me wonder if I've done this before in other parts of my life so I sent out an email to a select group of people asking them to respond back telling me how they feel I've presented myself, whether it be in my interactions with friends, potential dates, and sports related activities.

I have to admit I was pretty shocked to learn that I never literally give myself credit for doing anything in my life other than being a pretty good father. As I sat at my desk over lunchtime and read some of the responses I was floored by the emotions people were expressing about how little value I place on my actions and the impact I've had on those around me - granted some has not been for the good but the majority has....

I know I'm a damned good analyst.

I know I make a damned good partner when in a relationship

I know there are few soccer coaches out there who I won't go up against with any of the teams I've had the honour to coach.

But yet I always downplay these when I've talked to the people in my life.

Interestingly enough my daughter put it best when she said I'll never know the number of people I've influenced with my coaching as most of my messages to the players have been about life. She reminded me of the player who took courage in the message I gave before a game against a key rival that failure is only failure when you fail to act upon your wishes.....that player went on to do two tours on a humanitarian mission to Africa that she said changed her life for the better.

Pretty humbling stuff to read about.

I'm going to do a better job understanding what it is I'm saying when I open my mouth and try like hell not to always be so self deprecating to my own detriment.

I challenge you to ask those around you how you present yourself and the things you do....willing to bet you might be surprised to hear the responses.

When did courtesy and respect go out of fashion?

Musical recommendation - True Love by Pink featuring Lily Allen

July 14/13 Sunday

I was going to write about my take on the movie "Rock of Ages" that I had pvr'd during the week but observed something tonight as I was watering my lawn that changed all of that.

Now given how much I love movies, music, and books you can just imagine what is on the horizon when I can combine any two of these things into a posting, and that it must be something large, least ways to me, to make me change my topic.

Actually it wasn't really one thing but a couple of things I observed today that made me take a moment to reflect on how poorer we are as a society these days, poorer in terms of the simple basic courtesies and respect we pay to one another. I'll go one farther and say we are much poorer when you apply those concepts to the world of dating and relationships.

This is my solo weekend as my son started his week with his mom on Friday so I've been busy golfing and doing the errands and chores I usually put on the back burner when he is with me. I slept in really late, really late for me and Moki the Wonder Puppy that is, and had only been awake for about 8 minutes when I got a text from my daughter asking me what I was up to today, I replied that I didn't have anything going on as I was still recovering from playing 36 holes of golf yesterday, she asked me if I wanted to meet her and my son at the movies and we made plans to see a 4:30 show.

I used the time to clean up and left a bit early to return a remote I was told I needed for the Apple TV I purchased on Friday, turns out contrary to what the sales guy thought he knew the remote is included, and it was as I was entering Best Buy that I noticed a couple walking side by side up to the sliding door and as it started to open he pushed in front of her so he could enter first. I wish he could have seen the look on his girlfriends face as it wasn't one of love, something tells me this is a pretty normal occurrence with him and might be something he is going to regret, hopefully sooner rather than later.

The second incident happened after I got home and decided to water the front lawn before grilling up a nice steak for dinner.  So here I am watering the front yard and thinking to myself I've really got to get the cedar bush dug up that rests between my house and my neighbour S (we each own half of a duplex and the bush was there from prior owners and we both hate it) when a black Chrysler 300 pulls into her driveway and just sits there. Now at first I thought it was her ex coming to pick up her kids but it dawned on me that the guy sitting in it wasn't her ex and he was actually texting someone. A few minutes pass with me watering the grass and him glancing my way now and again when it hit me he was there to pick Sara up for a date and it was her he'd been texting.

I stood there thinking to myself what a complete lazy fucking ass this guy was for not even bothering to get out of his car to walk to the door and actually pick her up like a gentleman. After a bit she came out and still loser didn't even bother to open her door for her, seeing me she waved hello and opened the door herself, as he backed out of the driveway the guy shot me a scowl as if I'd done something wrong, that tempted me to text her that she really needed to do some better shopping when it comes to men given the total lack of respect this one showed her but I refrained as one never knows if it might make a bad situation worse.

Now before your minds start wandering around thinking why do I have her cell number or that I should be trying to date her just take a moment to pause. We are neighbours so that violates one of my dating rules and the reason I have her cell is twofold - first being when I moved in I managed to lock myself out of my house the first time I brought stuff over and with my cell battery being low she gave me her number to give the locksmith in case mine died and the second is because we are neighbours and have been trying to coordinate getting the roof redone and working on getting quotes.

I wonder if she even realizes how rude and inconsiderate his actions were?  I wonder how she would react if her own daughter was shown the same lack of courtesy when a boy comes to pick her up for a date? That day isn't far off as her daughter is a year older than my son and he has already gone out to the movies with a girlfriend, granted his mom or I have driven him and he's met the girl at the theatre but in a few years he'll be driving and odds are her daughter will get asked out by a guy who does drive in the not too distant future.

What makes a person think they can just show up and send a text to get you to come outside?

What makes a person put up with it?  I know dating as an adult is really difficult but I don't think it is so bad that I'd ever be willing to put up with that kind of behaviour from a date.

I remember when my daughter was 16 and a date came to get her and as he pulled into the driveway he honked his horn to let her know he was there. I walked to the door and signalled my ex to intercept our daughter as she was coming down the stairs and send her to her room until I called for her, I went out to the car and knocked on his driver side window and asked him how bad was his injury, needless to say he looked at me with the stupidest look on his face and said he wasn't injured. I leaned down and rested my arms on the door frame and said these exact words "I'm sorry, I just figured you had to be hurt in order not to actually move your fucking ass out of this car and come to the door and meet the parents of the young lady you are taking out" and with that I opened his door for him and walked into the house. He followed me and as I closed the door I motioned he should either ring the doorbell or knock on the door.  After a moment of what must involved about 200K of  mental calculations on his part, the mental giant figured it out and rang the bell. My ex opened it and he introduced himself and asked if our daughter was ready for their date. I called her down and received the look of death from her for embarassing her in such a way, her mother saw the look and told her to knock it off and they'd have a little mother daughter chat later about why I did what I did. Her little brother came down after she left and went to high five me when I just looked at him with that look that can make him freeze mid action and told him he better never act the same way that young man did when he dates. He smiled at his mom and I and said he'd been raised better than that, pretty strong words to hear from a six year old back in 2005 to say the least.

So what is your take - is my age showing or have you noticed that people are just less courteous to one another these days?

What would you have done in my place?

Black Tuesday

July 10/13 Black Tuesday

So recently the company I work for was acquired and we've been waiting to see what would happen once they completed the purchase and began to look at that all critical synergy.

Well yesterday was the day they pulled the trigger and announced they had finished the review and would be implementing changes designed to mesh our team with the rest of the organization worldwide, resulting in 19 out of 112 people being terminated.

The ironic thing is that a few weeks ago I'd been golfing with a friend who works in the R&D area of the company and as we made our way around the course we talked about ways the company could boost revenue and cut some costs, yesterday's announcement pretty much covered off the same exact reductions we had worked out and we looked at one another from across the meeting room and both felt sick to our stomachs knowing what was coming.

I survived the cut, being somewhat in the know I'd actually already packed a box with my personal belongings, but was completely ready to be bought out as usually someone in my position doesn't last long as there are always synergies to be found when merging accounting & finance teams. Guess my being there for over 5 years worked to my advantage or as my ex texted me later when she heard about the blood bath and my survival, knowing where the bodies are buried can sometimes work to your advantage.

Did these cuts make sense and were they needed? To an extent I think they did as we'd allowed a mini empire to be built by one executive to the detriment of the rest of the company, maybe not as deep as they went but the problem was that two departments were redundant to those already in place in other parts of the organization. The part that is really hard to swallow is that the actions my friend and I had come up with were worth more than $2M a year and would have easily seen the company able to stay independent and move to profitability.

Now it is easy to sit here and armchair coach the decisions but the truth is our former CEO was completely useless and afraid of confrontation, so much so that he allowed our VP of Sales & Marketing to run roughshod over every one in the company who dared question his strategy, the same strategies that had seen our sales fall from $15M to $10M over the course of 4 years....now in any sane organization that executive would have been asked to leave but not here....heaven forbid that our CEO admit his mistake in allowing the VP to remain.......so in the end his lack of strength cost 19 people jobs and his shareholders literally millions in lost gains. It is sad that the running joke was that our sales and marketing group was nicknamed DanCo after the VP and we used to refer to the rest of the company as an operating subsidiary of DanCo.......kind of amusing but also very sad given the fact that there was a bit of truth to the joke.

Now as we pick up the pieces and move forward I know 'll never look at the organization the same way......and maybe that is for the best as I have more important things going on in my life than my job.......I work to live and not live to work for at the end of my life I'm sure as hell not going to be thinking to myself if only I'd spend a few more hours on that cash flow projections worksheet versus wasting time coaching my kids soccer teams.....hell no

On that note, my release last night from the stress of the day was coaching my son's team as they rolled over our biggest rival 10-0 on a very hot and humid night......with one of the two stars of my life scoring once and assisting on two more goals......the daughters turn comes tomorrow when her women's competitive team plays its next game :))))))

Music is our common langauge

July 8/13

Musical recommendation - Hey Jude by the Beatles

I had the privilege of seeing Paul McCartney in concert last night and after 3+ hours of rocking out ScotiaBank Place I was reminded once more how many great songs he had a hand in creating.

I have been a music fan for as long as I can remember and have always felt that music is the one medium that transcends age, class, religion, and culture.

Last night I had this reaffirmed for me once again as sitting to my left was a young couple in they're early 20's singing along to tunes that were first recorded before they were born, sitting in the row in front of me was a couple in they're 70's who stood for almost the entire show swaying to the music and holding hands like young lovers, and in the section to my right was a family of five with parents, two teenagers and one school age child who were all smiling and letting the music surround them with peace and harmony.

I've been to a few concerts (Styx, Foo Fighters, Tragically Hip, and U2 to name a few) but have to say last nights show completely blew me away.

Not for the fact that here was a 71 year old musician who never stopped performing, not for the amazing band he had assembled around himself, not for the wicked light show, and not for the awesome display of pyrotechnics. No, what totally captivated me was that every single person in the entire arena sang each song as if they had a personal stake in it.  There were several times where Paul and the band stopped singing the lyrics and let the audience carry the song...and carry it we did.

I've blogged about music before and will probably do so again in the future more than a few times and with good reason....through music we cross boundaries...we make friends...we share memories

When I got home my 14 y/o son was waiting to hear about the show and I could see from his reaction how my take on the show was affecting him. I told him that if Paul comes back next year we'll go and see him together and he smiled at me and said "deal"

Pretty amazing connection to make when you think of the literally dozens of musical genre's that permeate our world, that 60's rock is one that I share with my son, that he introduces me to new artists and genre's all the time, and that we can sit and talk about music and what it means to us and how it makes us feel inside.

A song can make me smile, it can me sad, it can get me bouncing around, bring forth a memory that the words remind me of, and it can make me cry as I reflect on what they mean to me and the things that have happened in my life.

I don't put down any genre as I literally have songs on my iPod from almost every one I've experienced.  Where else in life can you say about things??

The Beatles, The Wings, and Sir Paul McCartney. What an adventure they've brought us and just imagine what is in store for us moving forward.

Like MacArthur in '44....I shall return......

July 6/13

Over the past few months the blog has taken a back seat to some major changes going on in my life and little did I know how much the blog lets me decompress and deal with life, work, being single, being a dad, a soccer coach, and pretty much the person that I am....

So having come to the realization that writting and expressing myself is as much a part of who I am as the colour of my eyes I'm going to make it a priority to begin blogging again and the first new entry should show up on Monday, July 8th

Until than.........to quote one amazing song by Ben Howard - Keep Your Head Up, Keep Your Mind Strong

Youtube Video for this song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADP65wbBUpc