The Perks of Being a Wallflower

July 29/13

Today's musical recommendation is: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake


So I watched the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and the tag line for the movie really made me take a moment and think about how true it is for me.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Lately I've been wondering if I'm single not so much because there aren't many women out there looking for a somewhat shy introvert who can express himself through his writing much easier than with the spoken word but possibly more so because I'm unsure of what type of love I am actually deserving of.......

I've had two long term relationships over the course of my life and in one  I was the dominant partner and the other was more balanced between being dominant and subordinate. Now when I use the term dominant it isn't some pseudo sexual term but rather delineates which partner made the majority of relationship decisions.

In the first it was definitely me who was dominant, almost to the point it seemed like I was the only one making decisions and was more a father figure than a boyfriend to my partner. I think as this relationship developed I became more and more aware of this role and let it dictate how long I let things go before I finally pulled the trigger and called it quits. I remember when I met my best friend for a drink to tell him I was ending my relationship how he smiled and said it was about time I grew a set, as he so eloquently put it.

The later was more a balanced relationship and I think that is why when it ended it affected far more than the first one, actually left me feeling a bit lost that first year post separation and had me seeking someone to talk to about the things I was feeling as I put the pieces of my life back together. Luckily for me I had some good bosses who were pretty understanding about my mental fog and two pretty amazing kids who loved me no matter what was happening between their parents.

I see couples around me all the time and wonder why that can't be me, well at least me being the male in the relationship, and the truth is that I just haven't met the woman who can really make me want to stop being single right now.  Not that my being single means I'm going out with a different women every week, out partying to all hours, or chasing around after women half my age. No, what that statement means is that I'm quite content with my life as it currently stands. I have a good job that pays me a fair wage, some hobbies/interests that keep me entertained when my son is with his mom and my daughter far too busy to hang out with her dad.  I get to do what I want when I want without any issues other than making sure I get home at some point to take the dog out for her walks.

But the truth is that as the days pass I am starting to find myself feeling more and more alone, wondering if I've accepted being on my own as the way my life will pan out, and subconsciously sending out that vibe to those I meet.

What kind of love do I deserve?

I think I, like all of you out there, deserve to be wanted........not just in the sense that someone wants your body, though there is nothing wrong with that, but rather that they are willing to forgo other plans in order to be with you. That is what I've been missing as there has yet to be anyone who makes me think sublimating my own plans to hers would be in my best interests. Now I'm going to concede that in the short run doing so would make some of those Sunday morning a lot less lonely and far more physically active but the truth is that sex falls somewhat down the list of needs these days. Not for lack of interest but when you're young the saying "Young, dumb, and full of cum" is far more apt to be true than it is when you are older and appreciate that a real relationship means more than hot sex every night. Reality has a nasty way of showing you who is boss once you get into your thirties.

So even as I go through my daily run of activities I'll keep my eyes open and hope I cross paths with the woman who will willingly have me thinking about skipping a round of golf in order to spend time with her doing just anything we can think up.........