A simple question with so many answers.....

August 30/13

Today's musical recommendation is "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty

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So yesterday I posed a question to all of you that my son asked me last week with a promise to share my own answer to him with everyone today.....and here it is today....or maybe even tomorrow if you're on the other side of the international date line........

"Dad, are you happy?"

Seems like a pretty easy enough question to answer doesn't it?  And at first sight I'd say it is, but along the way he tossed in an addendum......"think about the question before you answer"

So I did.....over several days..........and here is my response to him in letter form......

Dear J,

Once again you've managed to see past the forest for the trees that make it up, you've looked beyond the question of whether or not the tree makes a sound if it falls if nobody is there to hear it to asking why isn't there anyone there to hear the tree fall in the first place.

Am I happy?

Yes and No.

Not the answer you were expecting is it? Well given our many varied conversations and my numerous attempts to get you to think outside the box were you expecting simple and easy from me?

One's emotional state is in constant flux. Events happening all around you are transpiring to influence how you feel, not with a stated end in mind but more the base interaction we experience by being alive and opening ourselves up to the community in which we reside.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am scared.

I am excited

I am confident

I am self conscious

I am bold

I am shy

I am all of these emotions at one time or another, some at the same time.

When you were sick I was terrified you would leave us, I had no clue how I would go on without my little buddy around. When you pulled through and we knew the antibiotics and steroids were winning I was happy, sad, and worried. Happy knowing we'd turned the corner, sad at how much suffering you'd gone through with endless blood work, MRI's, and multiple surgeries, and worried what the long term held for you having undergone two major invasive procedures that literally meant peeling your scalp back.

When I first met your mom I was excited and terrified. We'd been chatting for months without really knowing what the other looked like and when it came time to meet I was excited as I knew we had a connection and terrified that only I might feel that connection. Luckily for you, well me too, she felt it at the time and the end result was the arrival of a little bundle of joy a few years later.

When I watch your sister play soccer I'm feeling happy for being able to see such an amazing athlete in motion and worried that one wrong move could see her tear her knee up again. I battle the desire to tell her to stop playing with the knowledge that part of who she is gets defined by that very risk and her decision that the return from playing more than offsets the risk of injury.

I can sense you getting slightly impatient son, don't roll your eyes at me as you read this as after more than fourteen years I better know you well enough to understand what you are doing.

I know your question was meant more for the here and now and the answer stays the same. I am all of those emotions and more over the course of a day.

I think what you are really asking or trying to understand is whether or not the life I'm leading offers me what I want or if there are times when I feel an emptiness. Pretty close to the mark with that last one eh son?

I'll step back and answer as you want for just this once.

Yes, I'm happy with the general quality of my life.  I have a good job that pays me a very nice wage and has let me provide for you in the here and now as well as put some away for your university future, bet you didn't see that one coming did you?

Yes, I'm also sad or maybe it is better to say I'm disappointed in where I'm at in life. Disappointed in the sense that while I'm more than capable of dealing with life as a single man I know it would be better shared with someone, someone who could put a smile on my face with something as simple as a text or call out of the blue. Worried that maybe that time has passed me by and that the life I lead today is the same one I'll be leading in five or ten years. Is that all that bad? No, not in the least as I get out and stay active, but our species isn't designed to spend a lifetime alone and while I'm content with my life I know it would be enriched with the right partner, as would yours and your sisters.

So.......your dad is happy, he is sad, he worries, he sometimes cries at past memories, both the good and the bad. But one thing he always feels is protective of those he loves, no matter the distance.

Love you son,

Dad

Ponder this question and I'll post my own response tomorrow

August 29/13

Today's musical recommendation is "Blues For My Baby and Me" by Sir Elton John
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Last week as our vacation came to an end my son came into the kitchen and stood there and watched me while I made him some soup, actually his favourite snack in Mr. Noodle, and after a bit he asked me the following question:

"Dad, are you happy?  Now before you answer me please take some time and really consider the question and all it means"

With that he took his bowl of Mr. Noodle and went back to his room to continue playing around on his computer.

My first inclination was to respond fairly quickly but I took a moment to remind myself that he wanted me to really consider the question and that meant holding off on my reply.

Over the course of the last several days I've really thought hard about the question and have an answer for him when I pick him up tomorrow night to begin my custody week with him.  I think he is going to be surprised by my response, I know I was as it evolved and eventually took shape in my mind.

So let me ask you....and take your time thinking about it and what the question really means....

Are you happy?

Marcus

The blogger is on holiday this week :)

August 20/13

Thought a little update might be in order since I haven't posted any new entries for a few days after being quite good about it lol

I'm on holiday's this week and really just doing some local activities with my son as we have our last soccer match of the season tonight and our end of year tournament this weekend. He wants to be fresh for both but that doesn't make him competitive lol

Don't worry as there are some new topics coming as being on holiday doesn't mean my brain takes a vacation and is processing so many sights and sounds, the basis for many of the postings, though there are times I wish it would take time off.

One upcoming blog will be "Do I Go or Do I Stay"

Till then stay calm and have a great week :)

Ciao,

Marcus

A message to Blueberry0525

August 16/13

Hi Blueberry0525,

 

Yes, please rest assured that I am real, a 100% male who resides in Canada and uses this forum to express his thoughts and feelings on any number of topics.

 

A note to everyone else who has sent me a message about the blog.....

 

Thank you for the feedback, it means a lot to me :)

 

Marcus

Thankful for my relationship with my ex

August 16/13

I'll admit the title for today's post is a bit odd but bare with me and you'll understand it better.

I've booked off every Friday from this past July 12th through August 30th in a double effort to get the human resources department at our new corporate parent off my back due to a huge accrual of unused vacation days and to try and relax more with some golf and one-on-one time with my son, at almost 15 my time with him is limited given all his interests and social circle.

Back on August 2nd work sort of threw a monkey wrench into this plan by asking me to work since we are still adjusting to new tighter reporting cycles and getting thing lined up for a complete system integration. It is a complete pain in the ass but on the upside will look good on my resume and expose me to SAP & Cognos Reporter, one can never be too geeky now can they :)

So to make up for working the 2nd I booked myself a 4 day weekend last weekend and pretty much golfed myself silly, there is never any such thing as too much golf, trust me on this one.

On Monday while driving to my Tee time at Glen Mar I got a text from my ex asking me to check my email when I got a moment as she'd sent me something she wanted me to see. Now normally I don't check my email when I'm out and about but because we co-parent and try and keep one another up to date on the goings on of our daughter and son I made an exception and did so once I got to the course, and in hindsight wished I hadn't.

Our son is friends with a young man we'll call N and has been since he was about 6. N's parents are divorced and have one of the older custody arrangements where N goes to his dad's place Wednesday nights and every 2nd weekend. This was dictated by N's mom as she was able to hold N's father being gay against him and threatened to seek 100% custody unless he agreed. I think S, N's dad, agreed at the time because he was still trying to figure his life out but over the course of the last several years has really gotten things together, met a nice partner, bought a home, and become a regional manager for his company. The one thing missing was seeing his son more often, and from the sounds of things it was something bothering N as well. Now N's mom, also with a first name that starts with a N so we'll use her last name's first initial of F, has not been so settled with her relationships and already been married and divorced once since ending things with S. Her current relationship doesn't sound to be much better as from what I've heard from both my son and ex, B is kind of a real douche and treats F like crap but she puts up with it. What she does seem to have done is become very controlling over her son, to such an extent that he is now rebelling, and with some thought I think I would too if that was my environment.

I digress as that isn't what this post is about. The email from my ex was a series of emails going back and forth between S & F that F had forwarded to my ex asking for some help in talking to S. N recently went to visit his father and when it came time to leave to go back to his mom's asked his dad if he had to leave as he wanted more time with him. S had been having the same thoughts and did some research and met with a lawyer and was advised that at 14 N has a lot of say as to where he lives and that if N wanted to stay he could, so S told N that and N texted his mom and said he was staying with his dad from now on 50% of the time. This all happened last week and triggered the discussions with my ex.

F asked my ex if she thought I might talk to S to get him to see that what he was doing was wrong.

I called my ex and said I'd be happy to talk to S but I was going to listen to him and see what was going on without rendering any judgement. She said that was all she was asking for from me as she just wants N to be happy, or as happy as possible, like our own son.

I called S that night and we met for drinks at a sports bar located between us, we are literally 5 minutes away from each other as he lives just down the street from my ex and his ex.  S was a little wary at first but opened up to me about some of the stuff going on and how hard it has been on both him and N the past few years, N is growing up and will be off to university before not too long and he is afraid of the time he is losing. He told me he envied the relationship I had with my son and the one my ex and I have worked to create since our separation. I said I was lucky to find someone like myself who puts our kids first above and beyond anything going on between us.

S told me some stories and I stopped him and said my only objective was to try and get them talking and maybe into mediation so they could work this out since F said she was more than willing to change the custody arrangement to 50/50 and do mediation. S laughed and used his cell to open his emails and show me several where she had told him there was no chance in hell she would agree to changing the arrangement or doing mediation, some sent to him as recent as the day before.

We talked for a bit and in the end I said it was really a he said, she said thing and I had no interest or desire to get in the middle of. I suggested he make an appointment with a mediator and get the court proceedings started as even though N can choose where he wants to live it needs to be made official to protect both S & N. He agreed and said he'd already dealt with the police once during the past week when F called them and said S had refused to bring her son back to her house. They came and interviewed S and N separate from one another and verified that N was safe and sound and left him with his father, the constable said he saw no reason to go against N's wishes.

I called my ex when I got home after meeting S and told her what I had learned and she agreed that is was a bad situation and there was little we could do to help since F was bound and determined to get her son back regardless of any one's wishes. She thanked me for trying and said she knew she could always count on me when she needed help with anything. I laughed and said even though we didn't work as a couple didn't mean we can't work as friends and parents.

Tuesday saw a text from S thanking me for the efforts and saying he felt better knowing someone out there understood how he felt and apologizing if he came off defensive. I told him no worries and I just want N to be happy and the two of them, S& F to get things worked out.

Within 5 minutes of that text I had F calling me at work asking me my take on things and why won't S send N home to her like the agreement calls for. I explained that S wanted more custodial time and before I could finish the word she interrupted me to say she was OK with that but N had to come home that day or else. I paused and asked her or else what knowing she had already told S she would never agree to 50/50 custody. She hesitated and said she was in talks with her lawyer to have the police remove him from S's home. I suggested she should hold off on that as all of her actions were making N angry and more determined to spend time with his father. I also asked if she thought shopping for a constable who would see things her way was the best approach since she'd already tried that once and failed. At that point she accused me of being on S's side and trying to take her son away from her, that I better not get in her way or she'd roll me over. I thanked her for the call and hung up.

About a half hour later my ex called and asked if I'd had a conversation with F and how pissed was she when I hung up on her. I laughed and told her she owed me big time for getting me in the middle of this and she said she did, we talked about how the real issue looks to be F, and if asked by anyone would probably say that N is better with S for the moment while they work this out. She told me how F had told her she has spy ware on N's cell phone and laptop and monitored him all day long while she was at work. I said that made some comments made by S make more sense.

After we hung up I thought how lucky I am for the ex I have and sent her a text that simply said "Thanks for being you".....she replied with a question mark and I said I was thankful that she never once took our separation as a direct attack on her and how she'd always worked with me on making sure custody was equal and when needed we were able to trade dates to accommodate the ever changing demands in our lives.

I don't think I could have picked a better person to by my ex than her and feel pretty fortunate that we've always out our kids first and ourselves second when making decisions.

Thinking about this and the couples I've known going through a separation or divorce reminded me that my relationship with my ex is pretty damn special as the majority of those other relationships are nowhere near as amicable as ours.

I hope you have one more like mine than you do S & G's............

The best reward for coaching ever

August 14/13

Last night was our first game since suffering a loss for the first time in over 2 years and I was a bit nervous how the team would react since we were playing our biggest rivals, a team that lives to trash talk and spends as much energy pushing, shoving, clutching, and grabbing as it does trying to move the soccer ball down the pitch.

We were looking to be down a few players due to holidays but at game time we just had enough to field a full 11.  I told the boys we needed to play smart, use short crisp passes, rotate when we were covered in order to create some space and opportunities. My son mentioned that during the warm ups one of the other team had kicked a ball into our area on purpose in order to get close enough to start trying to play mind games by asking how last weeks loss felt. I asked him how he responded and he laughed and said he asked the other player how it felt to get his ass kicked the last time we met 10-0.

As the game started more of my players showed up and by the time we were 5 minutes into the game we had 16 at the field so we had 5 subs.

I won't go into the details of the game but will say my boys came out with something to prove and before you could get settled it was 3-0 for us with both my son and my assistant coach's son scoring sweet goals off of wicked crosses.  The game ended in our favour 8-1 and could easily have been worse for them but for some missed shots on our part and some very good goalie work for them.

Now winning the game wasn't my reward.

My son scoring 2 goals and assisting on 2 more wasn't my reward, though it was pretty damn impressive.

No, my reward came on the last goal we scored with about 8 minutes to go in the game.

We have a player named M on the team who as Aspergers Syndrome who tries and tries his best to be like the other kids on the team athletically, and for the most part he succeeds.  The one thing we haven't been able to do is get M a goal for the past two seasons, not for lack of trying by his teammate's or the coaches in getting him to the right spot and being relaxed enough to take his shot.

That is until last night.

Being up 7-1, I started to move my best players back to defence and slotting other players in as midfielders and strikers to give them a chance at some shots. Now M always plays as our center forward when he is on the pitch as it puts him in the middle up front and should he lose focus, like he does now and again, we have coverage on either side and behind him on the pitch.

My sweeper took possession of the ball at the top of our 18 yard box and really hammered a high shot down the middle of the pitch just past M, who all of us were yelling at to run to the ball. M made this speed burst and slid between the two defenders to put the ball on his right foot and after taking 2 or 3 steps with it just slammed it towards the goal. As I watched the shot track towards the goal I thought he had shot too soon and it was going to sail wide left of the post when it literally bent right and just scrapped by the inside of the post and into the back of the net for a goal.

I shouted so loud my throat hurt "Way to go M" and felt myself tearing up. My assistant called for a line change as we always do after a score and as M came towards the sideline he looked at me and sprinted towards me and threw himself into me and gave me the biggest hug ever and than looked at me smiling his smile and asked me why I was crying.......

I don't coach to stroke my ego by winning more than I lose

I don't coach for money or gifts

I don't coach to make friends

I coach for the pure joy of a moment like last night when a young man's life is enriched for a brief moment in time

I coach for the text message I got at 11:57 pm last night from my son that simply said "well done coach"

And the streak comes to an end

August 11/13

Today's musical recommendation is "We come running" by Youngblood Hawke


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As you'll know from some of the previous postings I coach both of my kids soccer teams at various levels. My daughter is older and has pretty much always played competitive, also known as representative, and my son has only ever played house league, also known as recreational as he has never felt that competitive bug like his older sister did from a young age.

When my son returned to soccer in 2010 after recovering from his brain abscess I was able to call in some favours and get him on a team playing in the U11 grouping. He had a fun time playing but made some comments about how unorganized his coaches were and how it always felt like they were reacting to the other team instead of dictating the pace and tone of the games. I reminded him that he was playing house league where the coaches didn't place the high emphasis on learning that he grew up watching at his sisters games when I was her coach. His coaches were good guys and did their best but my only concern was the lack of knowledge they had on some basic principles that I think the club should have gotten across to all the coaches during orientation.  When it came time to register him for the 2011 season he asked me if I'd be interested in coaching a team and before I could respond his mom reminded him that I was more alpha personality than he was used to from a coach and he said he'd rather get worked and learn than just run around like a chicken with his head cut off, so off to coaching I went after a 5 year break.

That 2011 U12 team was stocked with some great players but split between those who attended public school and the catholic school board. The split between the two groups wasn't based on religion but rather on who each player knew from school. It took me almost 7 weeks to get through to them and by the time they realized I knew what I was talking about we were 2-5 but once they bought in we went 8-2 and managed to take 3rd place in the end of season tournament. Last years U13 team was even better and I knew from the start they would need challenges to stay focused so after the 3rd game of the season I asked them to run the table without a loss. There were some close games but they rallied behind one another and ended the season with 16 wins and 1 tie while winning league and tournament.

This seasons U14 team has 8 returning players and 13 new players. I don't think this team is as strong as last years in terms of technical skills as there are a few first year players but in terms of tactical skills and the desire to win they are far superior. We've had some blowout wins and 2 games where we've been down at the half, never happened last year, and come back strong in the second half to go 10-0 and already clinch first place in our league with 4 games to go.  They embraced the objective of running the table once again and despite being warned how hard it would be have gone out and swept away every team in our league at least 2x each. Now this has created a monster in trying to keep them motivated as they seem to think they are invincible and no amount of warning has been able to get them to see the possibility of getting beaten, surprisingly one of the biggest culprits of this mentality has been my own son who has accused me of worrying too much about the other teams lol

We played Team W this past week and had already beaten them 3-1 and 7-1 in previous games. The 7-1 win could have been much worse but W has an amazing goalie who made some nice saves that kept them from losing by double digits to us. I mentioned to my son we'd be facing that goalie and he told me to relax. My nerves got a bit tingly with that comment.

We went down 2-0 at the half and at times looked like we'd never been on a soccer pitch. Team W played a 5 man back line that was composed of their biggest players that really confused our forwards and midfielders. We got good runs but couldn't break them down as our players just weren't able to adjust and with one exception when my son managed to convert a cross to get us a goal and down 2-1, we seemed mentally in a fog. We did seem to turn in around in the 2nd half and after we scored our goal Team W quit trying to score and just played 10 on their half of the pitch and basically said if we were going to win it would take getting the ball through their entire team and than beat their goalie. Now to give credit to my boys they did get a lot of shots off but that goalie stood on his head to shut the door and secure the win.

After almost 2 years and 28 games my team had been beaten and I was curious to see how they would react during our post game review.  Now something I've never shared with them is that both my assistant and I had been talking about we both felt they needed to lose a game soon as they were getting way too hard to handle as they were beginning to tune us out since they knew everything and could just  turn on the scoring machine when they wanted. Reality had something different to say about that theory.

To their credit they were one pissed off group of players and also quite nervous about how I was going to react. I stood there for a few moments and made eye contact with each and every one of them before saying anything and when I did here is what they heard "Great game boys".

The first thing I heard was my son saying "but we lost" and I agreed with him. But I also stressed that they lost a close game 2-1 when they didn't play their best, tuned out the coaches, and were up against probably the best goalie in our league. I told them I was sad to see the streak come to an end but glad it came in a game that required the other team to play lights out to beat us and was as close as it was as they could learn things from this loss that all the blowout wins couldn't teach them.

I reminded them that all good things must come to an end and so this streak was over.  The true character of a team comes not from how they handle winning but rather in how they respond to a tough loss and the game they play the next week. Interestingly enough I could see that recognition in the eyes of the better players and knew our practice on Thursday would be intense, and it was.

We never do a post game cheer but on their own they did one out of the blue "New Streak"

We play our biggest rival this coming Tuesday and I'm sure they've seen the updated standings with our loss posted. They like to trash talk and play very physical to try and disrupt our game, but I'm not worried about my team rather I'm worried how I'll be able to reign them in once they get rolling as they aren't going to take any crap and will play the game they are dealt. How do I know this? My non competitive son has been texting me all weekend from his mom's cottage begging me to double shift him if we are short players so he can score the opener and set up his teammates.

My last words to them at practice on Thursday were a reminder of things to come

"And from the ashes did rise the Phoenix"

The date from hell......or my most recent misadventure in dating

August 10/13

Today's musical recommendation is Wake Me Up by Avicii.  

I stumbled upon this song when my son was taking one of his extra long hot showers with his iPod plugged into my docking station he had taken into the bathroom and plugged in so he could blast some tunes.......While over time our musical tastes have somewhat gone down different paths I still find it cool when we come across a song we both really enjoy.  He inadvertently shared this with me and now I'm sharing it with you - enjoy
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So I'm on this dating site and had been chatting with someone for a while via email, texts, and on the phone when we made the call to meet for a drink last Friday after work at a place that was midway between our neighbourhoods.

We arrived at the same time and joked about our timing as we were seated and started to chat as if we'd known each other for months. Now based on this opening sentence one would think this was going to end well.....sadly, I hate to sat that one would be quite wrong as that was the highlight of the night, least on my end.

We ordered drinks and as she was served her Smirnoff Ice commented that I shouldn't worry as she wasn't a lush. Note to self, in the future this should serve as a major red flag and the signal to make haste to end the date and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

Over the course of the next 2 1/2 hours she proceeded to down 3 Smirnoff Ice's and added 3 Martini's of various flavours. This was a bit extreme to me and enough to make the voices tell me that there wouldn't be a second date when things got even better as about 30 minutes into the date she told me she needed to step outside and have a cigarette. As she departed the table, yes I did stand when she left, I wracked my brains trying my best to remember if her profile mentioned anything about smoking and know for a fact it didn't as that is a real deal breaker for me. I don't care if a woman smokes as it is her choice, just as it is mine to not smoke or date a smoker. Now before anyone gets righteous on me please note I grew up with parents who smoked like a chimney and thank my stars for not following that little parental mistake with one of my one.

As the night came to an end I knew I was facing a real dilemma as she was in no shape to drive herself home and past experience reminded me people aren't always willing to face this little fact. I caught a break as she told me she didn't think she should drive home and could I drive her home, which given the options was really the right thing to do. Now what I didn't know was when she said she lived in Gatineau what she meant was she lived in the eastern end of Gatineau and made the anticipated 20-25 minute drive more like a 40 minute drive one way. Not fun but not the end of the world seeing as I was doing the right thing.  I got her home and made sure she got into her place safe and sound, turning down a couple of offers having a night cap to end things off.

The next morning around 10am I was getting ready to leave to go play golf when my cell beeped that I had a call so I answered it without looking at the caller display and lo and behold who is on the phone but last nights date asking what our plans were for the day. I sort of laughed and said I had no clue what she was doing but in 20 minutes I'd be teeing off at Glen Mar, well this didn't sit well with her as she proceeded to remind me how we'd made plans the night before to spend the weekend getting to know one another better. I was a little shocked as I know no such plans had been made and even if they had I'd have cancelled them after the previous nights fiasco. She asked me how she was going to get her car since we'd left it at the pub the night before and I suggested she ask a friend to drive her, she said that was unfucking acceptable as than she would have to say why it was there in the first place and that wasn't something she wanted her friends gossiping about.

Now by this point two things were going on with me; first I was getting antsy as I didn't want to be late for my golf tee time and second, I was getting pretty pissed off at her whole attitude. Unfortunately for her she pushed the last button with her next comment when she said "A real gentleman would either come get me or driven me home last night in my car and taken a taxi home himself"

Really? The mere fact that I put up with her drinking way too much for a first date, her sudden disclosure about smoking, and taken her home so as to make sure she got home safe and sound and suddenly I'm the bad guy made me snap and say that after seeing her in action I'd rather have my wisdom teeth removed again and this time avoid all pain killers rather than go out with her ever again and than I hung up on her.

You think that would have been enough to end things wouldn't you? No, not with this wonderful woman. She proceeded to try calling me back not once, not twice, not three times, but four times before resorting to texting me that she knew I wasn't playing golf but going out with another woman and she hoped the skank gave me an STD. This was just the first in a series of texts she sent my way over the next few hours that I admit to sharing with my golf buddies and it did wonders to bring some humour to a rather piss poor round of golf.  Of course my buddies being the jackasses they ares sent me many texts over the next week telling me I needed to give her another chance as she was a keeper.

Buddy number one has twin 5 year old boys who are now getting drums for Christmas. Buddy number two now has a profile on a swingers site.  Revenge is a dish best served cold!!!!!

So even though this little debacle happened I'm doing my best to keep an open mind about dating and still holding out hope that one day, maybe soon, hell I hope sooner rather than later, I actually meet the woman who won't leave me wondering if it is just me.

To end things with a sense of humour....date lady texted me last night to ask if I prefer thongs or bikini panties on my woman..........and than followed up with another saying that text wasn't for me..FML

New Posts Coming

I've got 3 posts written and will post them over the next day or so.

Teaser titles:

My new worst date ever

The streak ends and my message to the team

Making time when all you want to do is relax

Hope everyone is having a great Friday :)

I'm off to get  a haircut, hit up Golf Town for some new golf balls and check out the grips, and than heading to Stonebridge Golf & Country Club for a round this afternoon

Marcus