August 16/13
I'll admit the title for today's post is a bit odd but bare with me and you'll understand it better.
I've booked off every Friday from this past July 12th through August 30th in a double effort to get the human resources department at our new corporate parent off my back due to a huge accrual of unused vacation days and to try and relax more with some golf and one-on-one time with my son, at almost 15 my time with him is limited given all his interests and social circle.
Back on August 2nd work sort of threw a monkey wrench into this plan by asking me to work since we are still adjusting to new tighter reporting cycles and getting thing lined up for a complete system integration. It is a complete pain in the ass but on the upside will look good on my resume and expose me to SAP & Cognos Reporter, one can never be too geeky now can they :)
So to make up for working the 2nd I booked myself a 4 day weekend last weekend and pretty much golfed myself silly, there is never any such thing as too much golf, trust me on this one.
On Monday while driving to my Tee time at Glen Mar I got a text from my ex asking me to check my email when I got a moment as she'd sent me something she wanted me to see. Now normally I don't check my email when I'm out and about but because we co-parent and try and keep one another up to date on the goings on of our daughter and son I made an exception and did so once I got to the course, and in hindsight wished I hadn't.
Our son is friends with a young man we'll call N and has been since he was about 6. N's parents are divorced and have one of the older custody arrangements where N goes to his dad's place Wednesday nights and every 2nd weekend. This was dictated by N's mom as she was able to hold N's father being gay against him and threatened to seek 100% custody unless he agreed. I think S, N's dad, agreed at the time because he was still trying to figure his life out but over the course of the last several years has really gotten things together, met a nice partner, bought a home, and become a regional manager for his company. The one thing missing was seeing his son more often, and from the sounds of things it was something bothering N as well. Now N's mom, also with a first name that starts with a N so we'll use her last name's first initial of F, has not been so settled with her relationships and already been married and divorced once since ending things with S. Her current relationship doesn't sound to be much better as from what I've heard from both my son and ex, B is kind of a real douche and treats F like crap but she puts up with it. What she does seem to have done is become very controlling over her son, to such an extent that he is now rebelling, and with some thought I think I would too if that was my environment.
I digress as that isn't what this post is about. The email from my ex was a series of emails going back and forth between S & F that F had forwarded to my ex asking for some help in talking to S. N recently went to visit his father and when it came time to leave to go back to his mom's asked his dad if he had to leave as he wanted more time with him. S had been having the same thoughts and did some research and met with a lawyer and was advised that at 14 N has a lot of say as to where he lives and that if N wanted to stay he could, so S told N that and N texted his mom and said he was staying with his dad from now on 50% of the time. This all happened last week and triggered the discussions with my ex.
F asked my ex if she thought I might talk to S to get him to see that what he was doing was wrong.
I called my ex and said I'd be happy to talk to S but I was going to listen to him and see what was going on without rendering any judgement. She said that was all she was asking for from me as she just wants N to be happy, or as happy as possible, like our own son.
I called S that night and we met for drinks at a sports bar located between us, we are literally 5 minutes away from each other as he lives just down the street from my ex and his ex. S was a little wary at first but opened up to me about some of the stuff going on and how hard it has been on both him and N the past few years, N is growing up and will be off to university before not too long and he is afraid of the time he is losing. He told me he envied the relationship I had with my son and the one my ex and I have worked to create since our separation. I said I was lucky to find someone like myself who puts our kids first above and beyond anything going on between us.
S told me some stories and I stopped him and said my only objective was to try and get them talking and maybe into mediation so they could work this out since F said she was more than willing to change the custody arrangement to 50/50 and do mediation. S laughed and used his cell to open his emails and show me several where she had told him there was no chance in hell she would agree to changing the arrangement or doing mediation, some sent to him as recent as the day before.
We talked for a bit and in the end I said it was really a he said, she said thing and I had no interest or desire to get in the middle of. I suggested he make an appointment with a mediator and get the court proceedings started as even though N can choose where he wants to live it needs to be made official to protect both S & N. He agreed and said he'd already dealt with the police once during the past week when F called them and said S had refused to bring her son back to her house. They came and interviewed S and N separate from one another and verified that N was safe and sound and left him with his father, the constable said he saw no reason to go against N's wishes.
I called my ex when I got home after meeting S and told her what I had learned and she agreed that is was a bad situation and there was little we could do to help since F was bound and determined to get her son back regardless of any one's wishes. She thanked me for trying and said she knew she could always count on me when she needed help with anything. I laughed and said even though we didn't work as a couple didn't mean we can't work as friends and parents.
Tuesday saw a text from S thanking me for the efforts and saying he felt better knowing someone out there understood how he felt and apologizing if he came off defensive. I told him no worries and I just want N to be happy and the two of them, S& F to get things worked out.
Within 5 minutes of that text I had F calling me at work asking me my take on things and why won't S send N home to her like the agreement calls for. I explained that S wanted more custodial time and before I could finish the word she interrupted me to say she was OK with that but N had to come home that day or else. I paused and asked her or else what knowing she had already told S she would never agree to 50/50 custody. She hesitated and said she was in talks with her lawyer to have the police remove him from S's home. I suggested she should hold off on that as all of her actions were making N angry and more determined to spend time with his father. I also asked if she thought shopping for a constable who would see things her way was the best approach since she'd already tried that once and failed. At that point she accused me of being on S's side and trying to take her son away from her, that I better not get in her way or she'd roll me over. I thanked her for the call and hung up.
About a half hour later my ex called and asked if I'd had a conversation with F and how pissed was she when I hung up on her. I laughed and told her she owed me big time for getting me in the middle of this and she said she did, we talked about how the real issue looks to be F, and if asked by anyone would probably say that N is better with S for the moment while they work this out. She told me how F had told her she has spy ware on N's cell phone and laptop and monitored him all day long while she was at work. I said that made some comments made by S make more sense.
After we hung up I thought how lucky I am for the ex I have and sent her a text that simply said "Thanks for being you".....she replied with a question mark and I said I was thankful that she never once took our separation as a direct attack on her and how she'd always worked with me on making sure custody was equal and when needed we were able to trade dates to accommodate the ever changing demands in our lives.
I don't think I could have picked a better person to by my ex than her and feel pretty fortunate that we've always out our kids first and ourselves second when making decisions.
Thinking about this and the couples I've known going through a separation or divorce reminded me that my relationship with my ex is pretty damn special as the majority of those other relationships are nowhere near as amicable as ours.
I hope you have one more like mine than you do S & G's............
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