A simple question with so many answers.....

August 30/13

Today's musical recommendation is "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty

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So yesterday I posed a question to all of you that my son asked me last week with a promise to share my own answer to him with everyone today.....and here it is today....or maybe even tomorrow if you're on the other side of the international date line........

"Dad, are you happy?"

Seems like a pretty easy enough question to answer doesn't it?  And at first sight I'd say it is, but along the way he tossed in an addendum......"think about the question before you answer"

So I did.....over several days..........and here is my response to him in letter form......

Dear J,

Once again you've managed to see past the forest for the trees that make it up, you've looked beyond the question of whether or not the tree makes a sound if it falls if nobody is there to hear it to asking why isn't there anyone there to hear the tree fall in the first place.

Am I happy?

Yes and No.

Not the answer you were expecting is it? Well given our many varied conversations and my numerous attempts to get you to think outside the box were you expecting simple and easy from me?

One's emotional state is in constant flux. Events happening all around you are transpiring to influence how you feel, not with a stated end in mind but more the base interaction we experience by being alive and opening ourselves up to the community in which we reside.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am scared.

I am excited

I am confident

I am self conscious

I am bold

I am shy

I am all of these emotions at one time or another, some at the same time.

When you were sick I was terrified you would leave us, I had no clue how I would go on without my little buddy around. When you pulled through and we knew the antibiotics and steroids were winning I was happy, sad, and worried. Happy knowing we'd turned the corner, sad at how much suffering you'd gone through with endless blood work, MRI's, and multiple surgeries, and worried what the long term held for you having undergone two major invasive procedures that literally meant peeling your scalp back.

When I first met your mom I was excited and terrified. We'd been chatting for months without really knowing what the other looked like and when it came time to meet I was excited as I knew we had a connection and terrified that only I might feel that connection. Luckily for you, well me too, she felt it at the time and the end result was the arrival of a little bundle of joy a few years later.

When I watch your sister play soccer I'm feeling happy for being able to see such an amazing athlete in motion and worried that one wrong move could see her tear her knee up again. I battle the desire to tell her to stop playing with the knowledge that part of who she is gets defined by that very risk and her decision that the return from playing more than offsets the risk of injury.

I can sense you getting slightly impatient son, don't roll your eyes at me as you read this as after more than fourteen years I better know you well enough to understand what you are doing.

I know your question was meant more for the here and now and the answer stays the same. I am all of those emotions and more over the course of a day.

I think what you are really asking or trying to understand is whether or not the life I'm leading offers me what I want or if there are times when I feel an emptiness. Pretty close to the mark with that last one eh son?

I'll step back and answer as you want for just this once.

Yes, I'm happy with the general quality of my life.  I have a good job that pays me a very nice wage and has let me provide for you in the here and now as well as put some away for your university future, bet you didn't see that one coming did you?

Yes, I'm also sad or maybe it is better to say I'm disappointed in where I'm at in life. Disappointed in the sense that while I'm more than capable of dealing with life as a single man I know it would be better shared with someone, someone who could put a smile on my face with something as simple as a text or call out of the blue. Worried that maybe that time has passed me by and that the life I lead today is the same one I'll be leading in five or ten years. Is that all that bad? No, not in the least as I get out and stay active, but our species isn't designed to spend a lifetime alone and while I'm content with my life I know it would be enriched with the right partner, as would yours and your sisters.

So.......your dad is happy, he is sad, he worries, he sometimes cries at past memories, both the good and the bad. But one thing he always feels is protective of those he loves, no matter the distance.

Love you son,

Dad