Friday, March 30/18
I was sitting on the couch reading a book with Moki curled up in a little ball in my lap this morning when my cell began to ring with an incoming call from my daughter and here is the conversation we had..............
Me (M): Hey what's up?
Daughter (D): Not much, we're just back from the sugar bush with mom and Jack. What are you up to today?
M: Just finished cleaning up after breakfast with your brother and sending him on his way to your mom's to start his week with her. <laughing> Bacon and eggs before you ask me what I made.
D: <laughing in response> That is your go to breakfast isn't it?
M: Yes, once I learned how easy it is to cook bacon in the oven, it's been my favourite breakfast for sure.
D: What time is your doctors appointment on Monday?
M: Monday is a holiday sweetpea so nothing is open, it's Thursday.
D: Oh, what did they say?
M: <smiling> No hun, this coming Thursday at 1 pm.
D: Oh, Ok, I'm coming with you.
M: No, you have work and can't miss time as you just started this job.
D: I am coming with you father.
M: It's ok hun, I'm going to be fine no matter what he tells me.
D: I know you are and I'm coming with you dad.
M: I appreciate you offering to come and be there for me but I promise I'm going to be fine, even if he tells me the biopsy came back malignant I'm going to be fine as the survival rate is something like 97%, pretty damn good odds in my book
D: That is all well and good but you might as well give up FATHER, I'm going to be there for you just as you've always been there for the family
M: Did your mother put you up to this? I know she's been doing her usual online research as she'd been asking me tonnes of questions about the medicine they used for my chemo.
D: No, mom didn't put me up to this at all
M: Does she know you are doing this?
D: <laughing> Yes and she supports my decision. You do realize that J (my son) had a bag packed in his car so he could go straight to the hospital after his class ended the day of the surgery in case you were kept overnight so he could stay in the room with you?
M: <whispering> No, I didn't know that........
D: Just let us be there for you dad, you aren't in this fight alone
M: I know but I can do the appointment on my own.
D: <sigh of frustration> DAD, I.Am.Going.With.You.End.Of.Discussion
M: Fine, but just so you know, no matter what he tells me, dad is getting his drink on afterward's, I'm either drinking to celebrate or preparing for the battle ahead <laughed>
D: Perfect, I'll meet you at home and drive you to the appointment and than be your designated driver afterword's
So now you know what my upcoming Thursday looks like. My daughter in full mom mode not brooking any arguments on being with me at the doctors and than my driver as I have a drink or two afterword's.
I know I'm not in this alone but it's nice to be reminded now and again, even if I am more than capable of going to the damn doctors on my own to learn my fate. I think part of my resistance to her coming is that it would give me time to figure out how to tell the kids if it's not the news I'm hoping for.
My name is Marcus and as usual something my kids or grandson has done made me cry a little bit today, tears of love in this case.
BTW.....Fuck Cancer!
Friday, March 30, 2018
Happy Easter :-)
Friday, March 30/18
So today is Good Friday and I wanted to take a moment and wish everyone who reads my blog a Happy Easter.
I hope it finds you in good health, with loved ones and friends, and have the opportunity relax and reflect on what is important to you, what really makes you happy, and lets you begin the process of following the path best suited to help you become at peace with yourself and the world around you.
In today's hectic times it's easy to lose track of what really makes you happy inside, not just happy on the outside, but really deep in your soul, that part of you that lets you power through difficult times, to be there for those who matter the most to you, that little piece that lets you see a flower on the side of the road and embrace the love it brings forth from your heart.
Too deep for a Good Friday? Nah, I didn't think so either :-)
I'm off on a 4 day weekend as my company observes both Good Friday and Easter Monday so it means a lot of time to reflect on life, what makes me happy, and what I need to avoid in order to minimize anger and sadness in my life. Sometimes too much time to reflect is bad for me as I do tend to think way more than I probably should about things in my life, past, present, and the future.
Given all that's been going on the weekend should let me do some emotional recharging. Something I'm going to need heading into this week as my results come back and I learn if I'm home free or have a bit more of a battle to come over the next few months. I'm feeling great physically so I'm holding out hope that is a good omen of things to come.
My name is Marcus and I appreciate all the messages of encouragement I've gotten over the last few weeks. We truly live in a global village and I can express how much they've meant to me.
P.S. Fuck Cancer!
So today is Good Friday and I wanted to take a moment and wish everyone who reads my blog a Happy Easter.
I hope it finds you in good health, with loved ones and friends, and have the opportunity relax and reflect on what is important to you, what really makes you happy, and lets you begin the process of following the path best suited to help you become at peace with yourself and the world around you.
In today's hectic times it's easy to lose track of what really makes you happy inside, not just happy on the outside, but really deep in your soul, that part of you that lets you power through difficult times, to be there for those who matter the most to you, that little piece that lets you see a flower on the side of the road and embrace the love it brings forth from your heart.
Too deep for a Good Friday? Nah, I didn't think so either :-)
I'm off on a 4 day weekend as my company observes both Good Friday and Easter Monday so it means a lot of time to reflect on life, what makes me happy, and what I need to avoid in order to minimize anger and sadness in my life. Sometimes too much time to reflect is bad for me as I do tend to think way more than I probably should about things in my life, past, present, and the future.
Given all that's been going on the weekend should let me do some emotional recharging. Something I'm going to need heading into this week as my results come back and I learn if I'm home free or have a bit more of a battle to come over the next few months. I'm feeling great physically so I'm holding out hope that is a good omen of things to come.
My name is Marcus and I appreciate all the messages of encouragement I've gotten over the last few weeks. We truly live in a global village and I can express how much they've meant to me.
P.S. Fuck Cancer!
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Rooting for the little c
Tuesday, March 13/18
Well here I am with just one more sleep to complete before possibly getting control of my life back.
Never been one to root for the little anything but I'm making an exception over the next few days and cheering like crazy for the little c to come out on top.
My CFO raised an eyebrow when he heard me talking to someone and said the best outcome for tomorrow was to get the little c so I had to explain to him that to me the little c means the biopsy will come back saying my tumor is benign and life moves on whereas the BIG C means I've struck out and its been determined my tumor is malignant and I get to enjoy the pleasure of oh so many rounds of chemotherapy over the next 6-9 month, hoping that it cures me and lets me resume living.
He said that my terminology was kind of amusing and he liked that I was trying to make light of the situation and not letting it control my life. I laughed and said it's all an act as I've been shitting bricks the last few weeks as the surgery date gets closer and closer, but the one thing I could do was try and make those around me feel a little more at ease.
Yesterday was a perfect example as I caught my controller looking over at me several times in the morning and she called me into a meeting room to see how I was doing. I told that honestly I was sort of feeling numb at the moment. She told me I could go home if I wanted and not to worry about work at all but truth be told being there is helping me as it does keep my mind off things. She said she was going to keep an eye on me and if she decided I needed to leave she was going to send me home.
I made it through yesterday and today without losing my mind so that's a good thing right?
Guess my daughter let slip to her soccer team that I was looking at surgery on Wednesday as last night at her league game the entire team came over to give me a hug and tell me to face this like I was coaching a game. One player laughed and said just yell at it as whenever I did that it always made her want to play harder.
I called my daughter when I got home and we talked logistics for tomorrow and she once again was adamant that I'm coming to her place post surgery until her brother is done with class and can come get me. As she put it "There's no way in hell you are being alone at home the night of your surgery. Besides we'll just ignore your instructions and drive you to our place, not like you'll be able to do anything about it being groggy and weak!" I could actually see her smug little smile as she was saying that. I know when I'm beat so it looks like I'll be resting in the guest room, luckily it has a super comfy bed.
I don't have my surgery till the afternoon so it's looking more likely I won't have an update for the blog until possible Friday.
Do what I've been doing a lot of lately and tell those close to you that you love them as you never know how many chances you'll get to do that.
Oh and Miss Corinne, you were right and wrong about me/us but I'm still hoping you find your unique one, are kicking some serious ass down in D.C., and making Canada proud.
My name is Marcus and I'm still following my mantra: Fuck Cancer!
Well here I am with just one more sleep to complete before possibly getting control of my life back.
Never been one to root for the little anything but I'm making an exception over the next few days and cheering like crazy for the little c to come out on top.
My CFO raised an eyebrow when he heard me talking to someone and said the best outcome for tomorrow was to get the little c so I had to explain to him that to me the little c means the biopsy will come back saying my tumor is benign and life moves on whereas the BIG C means I've struck out and its been determined my tumor is malignant and I get to enjoy the pleasure of oh so many rounds of chemotherapy over the next 6-9 month, hoping that it cures me and lets me resume living.
He said that my terminology was kind of amusing and he liked that I was trying to make light of the situation and not letting it control my life. I laughed and said it's all an act as I've been shitting bricks the last few weeks as the surgery date gets closer and closer, but the one thing I could do was try and make those around me feel a little more at ease.
Yesterday was a perfect example as I caught my controller looking over at me several times in the morning and she called me into a meeting room to see how I was doing. I told that honestly I was sort of feeling numb at the moment. She told me I could go home if I wanted and not to worry about work at all but truth be told being there is helping me as it does keep my mind off things. She said she was going to keep an eye on me and if she decided I needed to leave she was going to send me home.
I made it through yesterday and today without losing my mind so that's a good thing right?
Guess my daughter let slip to her soccer team that I was looking at surgery on Wednesday as last night at her league game the entire team came over to give me a hug and tell me to face this like I was coaching a game. One player laughed and said just yell at it as whenever I did that it always made her want to play harder.
I called my daughter when I got home and we talked logistics for tomorrow and she once again was adamant that I'm coming to her place post surgery until her brother is done with class and can come get me. As she put it "There's no way in hell you are being alone at home the night of your surgery. Besides we'll just ignore your instructions and drive you to our place, not like you'll be able to do anything about it being groggy and weak!" I could actually see her smug little smile as she was saying that. I know when I'm beat so it looks like I'll be resting in the guest room, luckily it has a super comfy bed.
I don't have my surgery till the afternoon so it's looking more likely I won't have an update for the blog until possible Friday.
Do what I've been doing a lot of lately and tell those close to you that you love them as you never know how many chances you'll get to do that.
Oh and Miss Corinne, you were right and wrong about me/us but I'm still hoping you find your unique one, are kicking some serious ass down in D.C., and making Canada proud.
My name is Marcus and I'm still following my mantra: Fuck Cancer!
Sunday, March 11, 2018
A Couple of Thoughts Heading into Wednesday
Sunday, March 11/18
So as I head into surgery on Wednesday there's been a tonne of thoughts ripping through my mind. Some the usual regrets on missed opportunities, some remorseful over actions that might have hurt someone, some angry that the possibility exits that I might not to get to do some of the things on my bucket list (yes, I've got one), and some very thankful for those people who have come into my life and made a fundamental change in it over the years.
I'd like to once again thank all of those who have been so supportive and sent me messages reminding me that the game isn't over till the final buzzer. Wanda from Kanata, Kelsie from Kansas City (love the unique spelling she uses), Franz from Munich, and even our old antagonist Maria from Seattle have all reached out to remind me that it is always darkest just before the dawn.
It never ceases to amaze me how I can sit in Kanata writing this blog and the global reach it has thanks to the Internet. I always smile when I review the stat's on where readers are located and can't tell you how cool it is to see people from literally 6 of the 7 continents logging on to read some of my entries. Thank you for reminding me that we really are a global village and that a message can be conveyed no matter the languages spoken by the writer and the readers.
My daughter has sort of taken over things when it comes to my surgery and post recovery. By this I mean she is managing who will be picking me up from the hospital or bringing me an overnight bag should it come to my being kept for more treatments. I now get multiple texts each day asking how I'm doing, if I'm eating well, drinking enough water and tea, and getting enough sleep. She has been texting her brother to keep an eye on me when he is here and now he's joined in the process. It is a tad bit annoying at times as I'm not an invalid but at the same time reminds me that I have a pretty good support group in my corner.
Not that it isn't causing some friction as she has made it clear she is expecting me to come to her place on Wednesday night post recovery so she can keep an eye on me and make sure the chemo doesn't make me too sick. I've been equally firm that I want to go home to my own house as the thought of being sick in front of her, my son-in-law, and grandson holds no appeal at all. I know I'm going to be sick as more than one medical professional has given me a heads up, lucky me eh?
I've been to watch my grandson Jack at gymnastics the last two weekends and have no ability to describe the joy I feel inside when I watch him, when he smiles or laughs, or looks at me before coming over to be picked up and snuggled. I never knew being a grandparent would remind me how much unconditional love I could hold in my heart but Jack brings it out in me without even trying.
My son's week with me started on Friday and as usual I didn't actually see him till later that night as he was out to dinner and a movie with his girlfriend and some other friends. When he did get home he stopped by my room to check on me and see what was up for the weekend. He asked if I had started my chemo already and I told him not till the surgery and why did he think that, he replied that when he dropped his school bag off before heading out he noticed the paperwork from the hospital on the counter and thought it meant I'd started already. I explained that once the tumor was removed and sent to be biopsied that I would get a nice little dose of chemo and than either come home or be kept overnight. I said his sister was coordinating things and he should make sure his phone was fully charged before leaving on Wednesday in case she called him.
He then looked at me and asked where he was sleeping on Wednesday if I was in the hospital overnight. I laughed and said here at the house, where else would he sleep. He looked at me and said he needed to be with me so he could take care of me like I did for him when he was at CHEO. I smiled at him and said that was slightly different as I'm 55 and he was only 10 when that happened and there was no way either his mom or I weren't going to be there for him. He smiled and said he was going to see if he could stay with me anyways and walked to his room after saying goodnight.
I sat there and realized that his mother and I really did a great job raising our kids as both of them are empathetic and really are there for those in their lives no matter what.
So now I sit here wondering how much sleep is coming my way over the next couple of nights as I have been averaging about 3 hours a night, that combined with almost no appetite has me looking kind of worse for the wear lately. It's not that I'm not eating, it's just any food makes me feel sick to my stomach and almost the only things I can really hold down is crackers and yogurt, being a real carnivore you can only imagine how cranky this makes me, though the weight loss has been good for my physique lol
Dating is back on hold and I'm not even checking my profile these days as it just doesn't make much sense at the moment until I know more about what my next few months look like.
So I might post another entry before Wednesday but really can't say for sure as my mood has been up and down way too much to be very proactive or productive lately.
I was asked to post when I know the results of the biopsy and I make no promises at this time, might be rejoicing at good news and might be smashing things........time, very shortly, will tell I guess.
Till next I write and you read an entry........stay safe, look out for one another, and remember that love can be fleeting and when you have it, hold on tight and remind yourself of how that person makes you feel.....don't be afraid to let them know in words and actions.
Marcus
So as I head into surgery on Wednesday there's been a tonne of thoughts ripping through my mind. Some the usual regrets on missed opportunities, some remorseful over actions that might have hurt someone, some angry that the possibility exits that I might not to get to do some of the things on my bucket list (yes, I've got one), and some very thankful for those people who have come into my life and made a fundamental change in it over the years.
I'd like to once again thank all of those who have been so supportive and sent me messages reminding me that the game isn't over till the final buzzer. Wanda from Kanata, Kelsie from Kansas City (love the unique spelling she uses), Franz from Munich, and even our old antagonist Maria from Seattle have all reached out to remind me that it is always darkest just before the dawn.
It never ceases to amaze me how I can sit in Kanata writing this blog and the global reach it has thanks to the Internet. I always smile when I review the stat's on where readers are located and can't tell you how cool it is to see people from literally 6 of the 7 continents logging on to read some of my entries. Thank you for reminding me that we really are a global village and that a message can be conveyed no matter the languages spoken by the writer and the readers.
My daughter has sort of taken over things when it comes to my surgery and post recovery. By this I mean she is managing who will be picking me up from the hospital or bringing me an overnight bag should it come to my being kept for more treatments. I now get multiple texts each day asking how I'm doing, if I'm eating well, drinking enough water and tea, and getting enough sleep. She has been texting her brother to keep an eye on me when he is here and now he's joined in the process. It is a tad bit annoying at times as I'm not an invalid but at the same time reminds me that I have a pretty good support group in my corner.
Not that it isn't causing some friction as she has made it clear she is expecting me to come to her place on Wednesday night post recovery so she can keep an eye on me and make sure the chemo doesn't make me too sick. I've been equally firm that I want to go home to my own house as the thought of being sick in front of her, my son-in-law, and grandson holds no appeal at all. I know I'm going to be sick as more than one medical professional has given me a heads up, lucky me eh?
I've been to watch my grandson Jack at gymnastics the last two weekends and have no ability to describe the joy I feel inside when I watch him, when he smiles or laughs, or looks at me before coming over to be picked up and snuggled. I never knew being a grandparent would remind me how much unconditional love I could hold in my heart but Jack brings it out in me without even trying.
My son's week with me started on Friday and as usual I didn't actually see him till later that night as he was out to dinner and a movie with his girlfriend and some other friends. When he did get home he stopped by my room to check on me and see what was up for the weekend. He asked if I had started my chemo already and I told him not till the surgery and why did he think that, he replied that when he dropped his school bag off before heading out he noticed the paperwork from the hospital on the counter and thought it meant I'd started already. I explained that once the tumor was removed and sent to be biopsied that I would get a nice little dose of chemo and than either come home or be kept overnight. I said his sister was coordinating things and he should make sure his phone was fully charged before leaving on Wednesday in case she called him.
He then looked at me and asked where he was sleeping on Wednesday if I was in the hospital overnight. I laughed and said here at the house, where else would he sleep. He looked at me and said he needed to be with me so he could take care of me like I did for him when he was at CHEO. I smiled at him and said that was slightly different as I'm 55 and he was only 10 when that happened and there was no way either his mom or I weren't going to be there for him. He smiled and said he was going to see if he could stay with me anyways and walked to his room after saying goodnight.
I sat there and realized that his mother and I really did a great job raising our kids as both of them are empathetic and really are there for those in their lives no matter what.
So now I sit here wondering how much sleep is coming my way over the next couple of nights as I have been averaging about 3 hours a night, that combined with almost no appetite has me looking kind of worse for the wear lately. It's not that I'm not eating, it's just any food makes me feel sick to my stomach and almost the only things I can really hold down is crackers and yogurt, being a real carnivore you can only imagine how cranky this makes me, though the weight loss has been good for my physique lol
Dating is back on hold and I'm not even checking my profile these days as it just doesn't make much sense at the moment until I know more about what my next few months look like.
So I might post another entry before Wednesday but really can't say for sure as my mood has been up and down way too much to be very proactive or productive lately.
I was asked to post when I know the results of the biopsy and I make no promises at this time, might be rejoicing at good news and might be smashing things........time, very shortly, will tell I guess.
Till next I write and you read an entry........stay safe, look out for one another, and remember that love can be fleeting and when you have it, hold on tight and remind yourself of how that person makes you feel.....don't be afraid to let them know in words and actions.
Marcus
Saturday, March 3, 2018
My Own Personal Kryptonite
Saturday, March 03/18
So over the years I've confessed to a couple of different things that I felt were my own personal Kryptonite and tonight while watching Chris Evans and Alice Eve in "Before We Go" it dawned on me suddenly that my weakness has evolved once again but this transformation happened a lot longer ago than I realized.
Now for those wondering what I mean by my own personal Kryptonite, you have to understand the context and that means knowing that it derives from the mythical planet Krypton from the Superman comic, television, and movie franchise. It is the one thing that removes his super powers and makes him merely mortal, really less than mortal.
We all have our own Kryptonite, though to be fair we might not know what it is having never encountered it before, but trust me we all have one.
When I was younger, think along the lines of 9-10, my cousin Rudy liberated a bottle of champagne from his sisters wedding shower, sounds so much nicer than saying he stole the bottle, and shared some with his very gullible little cousin. I'm not ashamed to say it was my first time experiencing alcohol and it really worked a number over on me, picture a young puppy after sipping a cold beer to get a better understanding of the impact on me. It was literally like someone poured a combination truth serum and anti-inhibition syrup into my system. I think it goes without saying that things did not turn out well though I don't remember all of it except for the part where my soon to be wed cousin Victoria lost her shit on her little brother for corrupting the baby of the family, that would be me for those wondering, and pretty much beat the living crap out of him as her mother, my wonderful aunt, my own mother, my other aunts, and more hot single women than I should be able to remember stood around and not only did nothing to save my Rudy but pointed out spots where Vicky had yet to smack him.
From that point on I have done my best to avoid drinking champagne in any quantity as the only other two times I have ended up with me table dancing, not a pretty site trust me, and sleeping on the stairs my first night in Canada, thanks to my evil brother-in-law lol
So that was Kryptonite issue number one. Years later in high school I found it to be glasses. Yes, you read that correctly, I had thing for a girl in glasses. Just sparked my interest to no end and caused me a lot of problems in terms of getting shot down whenever I even tried to approach a cute girl in glasses. Come to think of it maybe that is when I started to become a bit more introverted and stopped trying to elicit interest from the fairer sex, just easier to focus on school and the books than getting rejected all the time.
But enough about my old Kryptonite's and onto the discovery of the new one.
As I was watching the movie, spoiler alert here as I'm going to disclose something about the movie so if you haven't seen it and are interested I suggest you stop reading, like stop reading right now......
You would think that with Alice Eve in the movie that that's all it would take to keep me interested as she is in my top 10 list of women I'd get a pass for, a topic for another blog entry I'm sure, but there is this one scene where Chris and Alice enter this bar to see his friends and from across the room he spies his ex girlfriend and as they make eye contact it was like the air just left my lungs, like unable to breathe, like time standing still and not knowing what the hell was going in with my body.
As suddenly as I lost my breathe I sat up on the couch and gasped realizing she had short hair and it was the most incredibly sexy look I've ever seen........until I remembered I'd had that view quite a lot a few years ago with C, now to be known as Corinne as I love her name and am getting so tired referring to her as an initial, since she kept her hair really short for her work. Until I'd met Corrine I'd never really given short hair much thought other than to say it wasn't for me, on a woman that is as I do keep my own hair uber short, but she wore it so well and I loved the way it let me kiss the back and side of her neck without having to move strands of hair out of the way, just so natural in my mind and so damn sexy.
I've been doing a good job lately convincing myself that my days of thinking about Corinne were done and over with but the last few weeks have seen images and memories of her sneaking back into my thoughts on a regular basis and kind of freaking me out more than a little bit. Not freaking me out because they or her were bad but because thinking of someone who is no longer part of one's life can only lead to some heart ache and right now that's probably not the best thing to deal with in conjunction with my pending surgery and potential treatments.
On a side note I sort of figured out why I'm struggling to complete the Mexico entries and you guessed it, the issue is that Mexico brought up some memories of Corinne and our trip to Jamaica back in 2015. I had a great time in Mexico and don't regret going for a second to see my daughter get married or spending time with my trip roomie in my son but I know now why being there sort of made me feel ill at ease and it boils down to I wasn't there with my partner and lost out on the romance that should have been part of the experience.
I think I've said before that sometimes I think too much and it's not always a good thing, this was and is one of those damn moments.
So now I've got to deal with the repressed memories and try to get back on track as that ship has sailed and I have to stop letting it sink my attempts at dating as the last couple have been with nice women who I didn't really give a fair chance since I was comparing my feelings at those particular moments in time with how I felt on my first date with Corinne, which in all fairness ranks as my best first date ever, even more than the one I had with the mother of my children so that says a lot doesn't it?
My name is Marcus and once again I find myself sort of fucked over emotionally due to one damn scene from a movie on Netflix that reminds me of someone I lost. Sort of starting to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to just shut that part of my life away in a vault and starting stepping forward in a positive way.
So over the years I've confessed to a couple of different things that I felt were my own personal Kryptonite and tonight while watching Chris Evans and Alice Eve in "Before We Go" it dawned on me suddenly that my weakness has evolved once again but this transformation happened a lot longer ago than I realized.
Now for those wondering what I mean by my own personal Kryptonite, you have to understand the context and that means knowing that it derives from the mythical planet Krypton from the Superman comic, television, and movie franchise. It is the one thing that removes his super powers and makes him merely mortal, really less than mortal.
We all have our own Kryptonite, though to be fair we might not know what it is having never encountered it before, but trust me we all have one.
When I was younger, think along the lines of 9-10, my cousin Rudy liberated a bottle of champagne from his sisters wedding shower, sounds so much nicer than saying he stole the bottle, and shared some with his very gullible little cousin. I'm not ashamed to say it was my first time experiencing alcohol and it really worked a number over on me, picture a young puppy after sipping a cold beer to get a better understanding of the impact on me. It was literally like someone poured a combination truth serum and anti-inhibition syrup into my system. I think it goes without saying that things did not turn out well though I don't remember all of it except for the part where my soon to be wed cousin Victoria lost her shit on her little brother for corrupting the baby of the family, that would be me for those wondering, and pretty much beat the living crap out of him as her mother, my wonderful aunt, my own mother, my other aunts, and more hot single women than I should be able to remember stood around and not only did nothing to save my Rudy but pointed out spots where Vicky had yet to smack him.
From that point on I have done my best to avoid drinking champagne in any quantity as the only other two times I have ended up with me table dancing, not a pretty site trust me, and sleeping on the stairs my first night in Canada, thanks to my evil brother-in-law lol
So that was Kryptonite issue number one. Years later in high school I found it to be glasses. Yes, you read that correctly, I had thing for a girl in glasses. Just sparked my interest to no end and caused me a lot of problems in terms of getting shot down whenever I even tried to approach a cute girl in glasses. Come to think of it maybe that is when I started to become a bit more introverted and stopped trying to elicit interest from the fairer sex, just easier to focus on school and the books than getting rejected all the time.
But enough about my old Kryptonite's and onto the discovery of the new one.
As I was watching the movie, spoiler alert here as I'm going to disclose something about the movie so if you haven't seen it and are interested I suggest you stop reading, like stop reading right now......
You would think that with Alice Eve in the movie that that's all it would take to keep me interested as she is in my top 10 list of women I'd get a pass for, a topic for another blog entry I'm sure, but there is this one scene where Chris and Alice enter this bar to see his friends and from across the room he spies his ex girlfriend and as they make eye contact it was like the air just left my lungs, like unable to breathe, like time standing still and not knowing what the hell was going in with my body.
As suddenly as I lost my breathe I sat up on the couch and gasped realizing she had short hair and it was the most incredibly sexy look I've ever seen........until I remembered I'd had that view quite a lot a few years ago with C, now to be known as Corinne as I love her name and am getting so tired referring to her as an initial, since she kept her hair really short for her work. Until I'd met Corrine I'd never really given short hair much thought other than to say it wasn't for me, on a woman that is as I do keep my own hair uber short, but she wore it so well and I loved the way it let me kiss the back and side of her neck without having to move strands of hair out of the way, just so natural in my mind and so damn sexy.
I've been doing a good job lately convincing myself that my days of thinking about Corinne were done and over with but the last few weeks have seen images and memories of her sneaking back into my thoughts on a regular basis and kind of freaking me out more than a little bit. Not freaking me out because they or her were bad but because thinking of someone who is no longer part of one's life can only lead to some heart ache and right now that's probably not the best thing to deal with in conjunction with my pending surgery and potential treatments.
On a side note I sort of figured out why I'm struggling to complete the Mexico entries and you guessed it, the issue is that Mexico brought up some memories of Corinne and our trip to Jamaica back in 2015. I had a great time in Mexico and don't regret going for a second to see my daughter get married or spending time with my trip roomie in my son but I know now why being there sort of made me feel ill at ease and it boils down to I wasn't there with my partner and lost out on the romance that should have been part of the experience.
I think I've said before that sometimes I think too much and it's not always a good thing, this was and is one of those damn moments.
So now I've got to deal with the repressed memories and try to get back on track as that ship has sailed and I have to stop letting it sink my attempts at dating as the last couple have been with nice women who I didn't really give a fair chance since I was comparing my feelings at those particular moments in time with how I felt on my first date with Corinne, which in all fairness ranks as my best first date ever, even more than the one I had with the mother of my children so that says a lot doesn't it?
My name is Marcus and once again I find myself sort of fucked over emotionally due to one damn scene from a movie on Netflix that reminds me of someone I lost. Sort of starting to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to just shut that part of my life away in a vault and starting stepping forward in a positive way.
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