Sunday, March 11/18
So as I head into surgery on Wednesday there's been a tonne of thoughts ripping through my mind. Some the usual regrets on missed opportunities, some remorseful over actions that might have hurt someone, some angry that the possibility exits that I might not to get to do some of the things on my bucket list (yes, I've got one), and some very thankful for those people who have come into my life and made a fundamental change in it over the years.
I'd like to once again thank all of those who have been so supportive and sent me messages reminding me that the game isn't over till the final buzzer. Wanda from Kanata, Kelsie from Kansas City (love the unique spelling she uses), Franz from Munich, and even our old antagonist Maria from Seattle have all reached out to remind me that it is always darkest just before the dawn.
It never ceases to amaze me how I can sit in Kanata writing this blog and the global reach it has thanks to the Internet. I always smile when I review the stat's on where readers are located and can't tell you how cool it is to see people from literally 6 of the 7 continents logging on to read some of my entries. Thank you for reminding me that we really are a global village and that a message can be conveyed no matter the languages spoken by the writer and the readers.
My daughter has sort of taken over things when it comes to my surgery and post recovery. By this I mean she is managing who will be picking me up from the hospital or bringing me an overnight bag should it come to my being kept for more treatments. I now get multiple texts each day asking how I'm doing, if I'm eating well, drinking enough water and tea, and getting enough sleep. She has been texting her brother to keep an eye on me when he is here and now he's joined in the process. It is a tad bit annoying at times as I'm not an invalid but at the same time reminds me that I have a pretty good support group in my corner.
Not that it isn't causing some friction as she has made it clear she is expecting me to come to her place on Wednesday night post recovery so she can keep an eye on me and make sure the chemo doesn't make me too sick. I've been equally firm that I want to go home to my own house as the thought of being sick in front of her, my son-in-law, and grandson holds no appeal at all. I know I'm going to be sick as more than one medical professional has given me a heads up, lucky me eh?
I've been to watch my grandson Jack at gymnastics the last two weekends and have no ability to describe the joy I feel inside when I watch him, when he smiles or laughs, or looks at me before coming over to be picked up and snuggled. I never knew being a grandparent would remind me how much unconditional love I could hold in my heart but Jack brings it out in me without even trying.
My son's week with me started on Friday and as usual I didn't actually see him till later that night as he was out to dinner and a movie with his girlfriend and some other friends. When he did get home he stopped by my room to check on me and see what was up for the weekend. He asked if I had started my chemo already and I told him not till the surgery and why did he think that, he replied that when he dropped his school bag off before heading out he noticed the paperwork from the hospital on the counter and thought it meant I'd started already. I explained that once the tumor was removed and sent to be biopsied that I would get a nice little dose of chemo and than either come home or be kept overnight. I said his sister was coordinating things and he should make sure his phone was fully charged before leaving on Wednesday in case she called him.
He then looked at me and asked where he was sleeping on Wednesday if I was in the hospital overnight. I laughed and said here at the house, where else would he sleep. He looked at me and said he needed to be with me so he could take care of me like I did for him when he was at CHEO. I smiled at him and said that was slightly different as I'm 55 and he was only 10 when that happened and there was no way either his mom or I weren't going to be there for him. He smiled and said he was going to see if he could stay with me anyways and walked to his room after saying goodnight.
I sat there and realized that his mother and I really did a great job raising our kids as both of them are empathetic and really are there for those in their lives no matter what.
So now I sit here wondering how much sleep is coming my way over the next couple of nights as I have been averaging about 3 hours a night, that combined with almost no appetite has me looking kind of worse for the wear lately. It's not that I'm not eating, it's just any food makes me feel sick to my stomach and almost the only things I can really hold down is crackers and yogurt, being a real carnivore you can only imagine how cranky this makes me, though the weight loss has been good for my physique lol
Dating is back on hold and I'm not even checking my profile these days as it just doesn't make much sense at the moment until I know more about what my next few months look like.
So I might post another entry before Wednesday but really can't say for sure as my mood has been up and down way too much to be very proactive or productive lately.
I was asked to post when I know the results of the biopsy and I make no promises at this time, might be rejoicing at good news and might be smashing things........time, very shortly, will tell I guess.
Till next I write and you read an entry........stay safe, look out for one another, and remember that love can be fleeting and when you have it, hold on tight and remind yourself of how that person makes you feel.....don't be afraid to let them know in words and actions.
Marcus
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