Saturday, February 23/19
I had a couple of blog entries about my recent experience with online dating and my plans for 2019 almost completed and ready for posting but have shelved them for this blog entry instead.
I was sitting in Baton Rouge reading my tablet and waiting for a late lunch to be served when I heard a statistic over the radio that made me pause and start to get tremors.
This year there will be over 4,000 suicides in Canada, 4,000!!!!!
Suicide is now listed as ranking in the top ten sources of death in Canada, and we aren't even in the top 25 in national rates of suicide per 100K of population.
This is a scary statistic and only gets worse with each passing year.
I'm on Instagram and follow about 90 people, as you can imagine most are athletes or sports teams but one is a comedian named Kate Quigley who goes by kateqfunny and I think is pretty hilarious with her zero fucks given attitude.
She lost a close friend this week in fellow comedian Brody Stevens and has posted a couple of entries about it and her feelings. One takeaway I got was that he didn't express or display any signs of what he was feeling and that everyone wishes he would have called someone.......
I never met Brody and I wish he would have known at that moment the sense of loss his act would leave with his friends though it might not have led him to make a different decision as sometimes that feeling is just too overpowering at that particular moment.
I have someone close to me who recently lost a family member to suicide and I know they are struggling with the aftermath, partially because the person called them repeatedly to lay some massive guilt on them for things they had suppossedly done over the years.
I've reached out to my friend and reminded them that depression does not use logic and that even though the person said some pretty hateful things that there was no true meaning behind the words.
I've called them a few times just to check in on them and remind them that they are loved and I'm only as far away as a telephone call, my shoulder is there to cry on or to punch, a cold beer is always in my fridge and the couch makes a comfy bed if they need to sleep over.
The bottom line is that they are not alone but none of us can read minds so please reach out and talk to us when things aren't going as you want.
The person you pass on the sidewalk who is smiling might be reliving horrible things someone as said to them and the person you pass with the frown might be having a wonderful day, the bottom line is we never know by just looking at someone what is going on inside them.
I may not know any of you all that well but I am here if you just need someone to talk to about things and beg you to reach out to me or someone close to you if you feel like the world is closing in around you.
I've been there myself, years before I moved to Canada, but I know that darkness still lurks somewhere deep inside me and know that should it ever resurface that I have a circle of friends I can turn too if needed, and yes I know how fortunate I am to have them and that is why I am putting myself out there for any of you in need.
Please talk to someone if you ever feel that the only way out is to embrace the darkness by crossing into the abyss as it's not, it really isn't...........
My name is Marcus and I stepped back from the abyss and now you can too!!!!
My email contact is ooasm2018@gmail.com and I get instant notifications when I get new messages
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Amber Alerts
Sunday, February 17/19
Friday night I was just falling asleep when my iPhone gave out a loud and distinctive screech that scared the crap out of me.
I scrambled to grab my phone thinking it was somehow broken when I noticed a text message on my home screen advising that an Amber Alert had been issued by the Peel Regional Police Service for a missing 11 year old girl who was in the custody of her father but had not been returned to her mother per the visitation section of their custody arrangement.
I went into my son's room to see if he had gotten the same alert and he confirmed he had.
A little later another message was delivered saying the Amber Alert had been called off.
It was called off as the young girls body was found and she had been killed, allegedly by her own father, who had been seen by someone who had received the same Amber Alert I had and reported his presence to local authorities.
Why am I blogging about this senseless tragedy?
Well it seems there are a lot of people who were angry about being woken up by the Amber Alert.
Yes, you heard me correctly, the Peel Regional Police Service has received complaints about the decision to send out an Amber Alert by people who didn't want their precious sleep disturbed, like the life of a child was somehow less important than an hours sleep lost to the two text messages.
Over the course of the last two days I've seen countless posts on my Facebook account from friends stating they don't care how much sleep they might lose to such alerts but to keep them coming as the life they might save is far more valuable than a few minutes of lost sleep.
I am 100% behind the forced delivery of such text messages and would be so even if I didn't have a grandchild as first and foremost I consider myself a decent human being, one who puts the health and safety of children, no matter who's child they might be, above my own comfort.
To all of those people who are so put out by getting such an important message I have one response - Move the Fuck Out of Canada, We Don't Want You Here!!!!!!
My name is Marcus and Amber Alerts are fantastic tools to help keep our children safe and sound!!!
Friday night I was just falling asleep when my iPhone gave out a loud and distinctive screech that scared the crap out of me.
I scrambled to grab my phone thinking it was somehow broken when I noticed a text message on my home screen advising that an Amber Alert had been issued by the Peel Regional Police Service for a missing 11 year old girl who was in the custody of her father but had not been returned to her mother per the visitation section of their custody arrangement.
I went into my son's room to see if he had gotten the same alert and he confirmed he had.
A little later another message was delivered saying the Amber Alert had been called off.
It was called off as the young girls body was found and she had been killed, allegedly by her own father, who had been seen by someone who had received the same Amber Alert I had and reported his presence to local authorities.
Why am I blogging about this senseless tragedy?
Well it seems there are a lot of people who were angry about being woken up by the Amber Alert.
Yes, you heard me correctly, the Peel Regional Police Service has received complaints about the decision to send out an Amber Alert by people who didn't want their precious sleep disturbed, like the life of a child was somehow less important than an hours sleep lost to the two text messages.
Over the course of the last two days I've seen countless posts on my Facebook account from friends stating they don't care how much sleep they might lose to such alerts but to keep them coming as the life they might save is far more valuable than a few minutes of lost sleep.
I am 100% behind the forced delivery of such text messages and would be so even if I didn't have a grandchild as first and foremost I consider myself a decent human being, one who puts the health and safety of children, no matter who's child they might be, above my own comfort.
To all of those people who are so put out by getting such an important message I have one response - Move the Fuck Out of Canada, We Don't Want You Here!!!!!!
My name is Marcus and Amber Alerts are fantastic tools to help keep our children safe and sound!!!
RBF - Otherwise Known as........
Sunday, February 17/19
There is a term that gets used to described the look a person has when they don't realize anyone is looking and it's called "Resting Bitch Face" or RBF.
Now usually this term is applied to a woman and I don't agree that it is gender specific as I know I've come across RAF or Resting Asshole Face on a man on more than a few occasions.
Hell, truth be told, I'm probably guilty of having RAF a lot of the time and don't even realize I'm giving it off.
I think we, and by we I mean society in general, view a person who isn't displaying a smiling face or appearing to be happy as to equate to someone who is mad or not enjoying life.
I also think this is a horrible fallacy as speaking for myself I know I've been walking down a street, say Bank Street in the Glebe, in a really good mood and I've glanced into a store front and done a double take when I've seen my own reflection, thinking to myself what the hell is wrong with me as I look like I am so pissed off when reality couldn't be farther from the truth.
We've probably all had one of those days where things just weren't going our way, our mood wasn't meshing with the day to day we were experiencing, and out of the blue someone tells us to stop frowning, enjoy life, smile a little bit, a pretty woman like you should'n't look so sad..........
Granted sometimes we might need a reminder to smile as we might not realize we weren't but there are those times that smiling is the last thing on our mind and all we want to do is tell that person to fuck off and mind your own business, but most of the time we don't, we bite our tongue and fake it till we make it.
Truth is we don't have a clue what the person is thinking about or just faced a few moments ago.
I stopped offering platitudes to people years ago as I don't know what they are going through and know from my own experience that not everything can be solved with a smile, wouldn't it be nice if they could but I prefer to live in this place called reality and know that sometimes the world just isn't getting anything better than Resting Bitch Face or Resting Asshole face from me and truth be told, the fucking world ought to be glad I'm even willing to give it either of those rather than the real message it needs to be told now and again.
Never confuse seeing a person with RBF or RAF as needing anything from you other than acknowledgement that they are alive, they don't owe you anything and probably don't expect anything more or less from you.
My name is Marcus and I think there are days I've perfected Resting Asshole Face and could probably make a decent living offering courses in the correct and enjoyable way to employ one in your daily life. I don't think this makes me anything other than human.
Today's musical suggestion is "Broken" by Patrick Watson
There is a term that gets used to described the look a person has when they don't realize anyone is looking and it's called "Resting Bitch Face" or RBF.
Now usually this term is applied to a woman and I don't agree that it is gender specific as I know I've come across RAF or Resting Asshole Face on a man on more than a few occasions.
Hell, truth be told, I'm probably guilty of having RAF a lot of the time and don't even realize I'm giving it off.
I think we, and by we I mean society in general, view a person who isn't displaying a smiling face or appearing to be happy as to equate to someone who is mad or not enjoying life.
I also think this is a horrible fallacy as speaking for myself I know I've been walking down a street, say Bank Street in the Glebe, in a really good mood and I've glanced into a store front and done a double take when I've seen my own reflection, thinking to myself what the hell is wrong with me as I look like I am so pissed off when reality couldn't be farther from the truth.
We've probably all had one of those days where things just weren't going our way, our mood wasn't meshing with the day to day we were experiencing, and out of the blue someone tells us to stop frowning, enjoy life, smile a little bit, a pretty woman like you should'n't look so sad..........
Granted sometimes we might need a reminder to smile as we might not realize we weren't but there are those times that smiling is the last thing on our mind and all we want to do is tell that person to fuck off and mind your own business, but most of the time we don't, we bite our tongue and fake it till we make it.
Truth is we don't have a clue what the person is thinking about or just faced a few moments ago.
I stopped offering platitudes to people years ago as I don't know what they are going through and know from my own experience that not everything can be solved with a smile, wouldn't it be nice if they could but I prefer to live in this place called reality and know that sometimes the world just isn't getting anything better than Resting Bitch Face or Resting Asshole face from me and truth be told, the fucking world ought to be glad I'm even willing to give it either of those rather than the real message it needs to be told now and again.
Never confuse seeing a person with RBF or RAF as needing anything from you other than acknowledgement that they are alive, they don't owe you anything and probably don't expect anything more or less from you.
My name is Marcus and I think there are days I've perfected Resting Asshole Face and could probably make a decent living offering courses in the correct and enjoyable way to employ one in your daily life. I don't think this makes me anything other than human.
Today's musical suggestion is "Broken" by Patrick Watson
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Happy Valentine's Day
Thursday, February 14/19
Even though I've said it in the past and will say it again at some point in the future that I'm not really a fan of this artificially created day meant to celebrate romance, it doesn't mean I won't or can't wish those of you celebrating it a good time.
I don't believe my lack of enthusiasm for the days makes me unromantic as I'd like to think I exhibited my feelings to those I was with throughout our relationship and didn't limit it to just one day but I guess I'm not really the best judge of my past actions and should leave any proclamations to those who know me best........
So even though I'm single once again I am hopeful that the majority of you are getting to spend the day or night with someone special and if you aren't, well let us embrace the moment with some chilled wine and a romantic movie or two.
I'm getting ready to watch two of my favorites......Love Actually and She's Out of My League
My name is Marcus and I don't limit my romantic thought to just this one day, no I tend to let those rascals run rampant throughout the year, sometimes it's good and sometimes I'd like nothing more than to lock them up but we do what we can with what we've been given now don't we.....
Observations, comments, questions, or even downright mocking can be sent my way courtesy of ooasm2018@gmail.com
Let's go a little old school and spool up some "The Living Years" by Mike + The Mechanics
Even though I've said it in the past and will say it again at some point in the future that I'm not really a fan of this artificially created day meant to celebrate romance, it doesn't mean I won't or can't wish those of you celebrating it a good time.
I don't believe my lack of enthusiasm for the days makes me unromantic as I'd like to think I exhibited my feelings to those I was with throughout our relationship and didn't limit it to just one day but I guess I'm not really the best judge of my past actions and should leave any proclamations to those who know me best........
So even though I'm single once again I am hopeful that the majority of you are getting to spend the day or night with someone special and if you aren't, well let us embrace the moment with some chilled wine and a romantic movie or two.
I'm getting ready to watch two of my favorites......Love Actually and She's Out of My League
My name is Marcus and I don't limit my romantic thought to just this one day, no I tend to let those rascals run rampant throughout the year, sometimes it's good and sometimes I'd like nothing more than to lock them up but we do what we can with what we've been given now don't we.....
Observations, comments, questions, or even downright mocking can be sent my way courtesy of ooasm2018@gmail.com
Let's go a little old school and spool up some "The Living Years" by Mike + The Mechanics
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
A Most Excellent Question As To My Motives With The Blog
Wednesday, February 13/19
So here is a little exchange I recently had with a follower named L, not going to use her first name as I'm not sure how she'd feel about that and I strive to respect the privacy of my readers :)
So here is a little exchange I recently had with a follower named L, not going to use her first name as I'm not sure how she'd feel about that and I strive to respect the privacy of my readers :)
Received on February 2/19 @ 10:34 pm
"Hmmm...
I had wondered if you liked receiving people's responses or comments on your blog topics, or if you liked them introducing new topics...you being more on the receiving end of people's thoughts.
I think I know,
L"
My response sent on February 03/19 @ 8:23 am
"I like both!
I find it fascinating to hear peoples thoughts on the things I've posted about and always welcome new topics to ponder and possibly blog about that my readers are facing.
Marcus"
The followup received on February 03/19 @ 2:36 pm
"Right...but do you want dialogue?
From your posts, you seem very much a thinker...a thinker of human behaviour, of connections among people/friends/family, and also of connecting with self, understanding one's actions/thoughts.
If readers/people reach out to engage in dialogue regarding any topics, blog or otherwise, do you participate? Or do you see it as feedback from your readers, for your blog?
I saw your blog as thoughts that you'd like to engage in. But maybe they are thoughts that you want to voice, or find cathartic to express...more of an outlet for you.
Your posts do stir, 'hey, I agree' or 'yeah, that happened to me'. Or 'Oh, this idea might be liked by someone like M'.
Is the purpose of your blog to engage in conversation? What's your purpose Mr. Marcus? Or more of a cathartic outlet for you, more one-sided?
Either is great! Just need to know if you want emails or not.
L"
I've been thinking quite a bit about these exchanges and here is what I've come up with so far......
I blog to let my own thoughts out from within the confines of my mind, I blog to get people thinking about things that they might not otherwise have given any consideration, and I blog about issues that touch close to home for both myself and my followers. The "Bell Let's Talk" day is one such issue that not only touches me because of my own struggles in the past but from exchanges I've had with people who have shared some heart rendering moments, some good with laughter and joy, and some not so good with heartache and tears.
I describe myself as an extroverted introvert and know that that simple statement made Corinne laugh more often than not as she used to call bullshit on it whenever I spoke it out loud. But the truth is that I really do see myself in that context and the blog lets me actually reach out and have a dialogue with people that I might never have the chance to do so if I depended on my actual face to face interpersonal skills.
Topics come and go over the course of the week and month that I find interesting to myself and think maybe others might as well, thus an entry gets written and sometimes there is feedback and sometimes there isn't.
I monitor the blog statistics to see how well an entry might be doing in terms of views and where around the world it might have gotten the most views from in terms of geographic locales.
I absolutely love it when someone writes me to comment on an entry or pose a thought or question about something else, more often than not running with it to create a new blog entry.
So I guess my answer to L's question is this.......I use the blog as my own cathartic release in the hope it makes people stop and think about things, even if just for a moment, and offer a venue for dialogue about the world around us, with the reader option to call me out on my thoughts, offer me an alternative, or provide a comment whether in the positive or negative.
When I made the decision many years ago to completely uproot my life and move over 3,000 miles I was asked this question - what if it doesn't work out?
My response was change is good, even if it doesn't go as expected, it's still good as it made you think about things in your life.
That is how I view the blog..........whether someone agrees with me or not, it got both of us to think about the topic and possibly have a dialogue.
I've been accused of being a thinker, to be more life a left handed person than the right handed person that I am, as if that is somehow something bad, but it's not bad at all, you couldn't be more right about me if you tried and I'll always embrace that side of me and hope my followers know that about me.
When my daughter was really young and hesitant about broaching certain subjects with me I told her the following and eventually did the same with my son.........you can come and talk to me about anything, I promise to listen to you with an open mind and more importantly, an open heart, I promise to respect what you say to me but that does not mean I have to like what you say or agree with your words........but that doesn't mean I'll try to change how you feel but rather that I might discuss alternatives so that you at least stand by your words from a position of knowledge and understanding.
My name is Marcus and I blog to express my feelings and to provoke you to think about things with the understanding that I'm open to hearing what you think and maybe we can come to some common ground on things and if not, let's be respectful towards one another.
Today's musical suggestion is "Over My Head' by Echosmith
Comments, questions, or possible topics you'd like to see addressed in a future entry are always welcome at ooasm2018@gmail.com
Karma can be a fickle mistress when she wants
Wednesday, February 13/19
I originally started to write this entry on Saturday, February 09/19 but held off on posting as I worked my way through the emotions.
Apologies for not posting anything the past little while but there was a family issue that developed that unfortunately was a little closer to my last blog entry than I would have ever liked and I've been trying to help someone deal with it.
By deal with it I mean just being there for them to vent on about the unfairness of one persons decision and the complete impact it has on everyone they leave behind. When someone decides to step into that abyss they don't eliminate the pain they might be experiencing but rather leave it behind for everyone who cares about them to carry and try to understand just what made them do it.
I spoke with my ex about the whole situation and she asked me to reach out to our kids to talk to them about it and reassure both of them that nothing like this will ever come their way from either of us. Her request seemed a a bit odd to me but she explained that the kids seem to understand things better when I express them than when she does as I seem to be able to reach down deeper inside to understand and explain things than she thinks she does when talking to them so I honoured it in a call with my daughter and a conversation with my son when he got to my place last night to start his week with me
Being a parent is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and yet there are times it has also been the hardest thing I've had to do, talking to your kids about crossing over that line into the abyss ranks right up there with taking a rusty bat to my gonads.
When I right a blog it usually isn't something I expect to come back and impact me so hard or so damn immediately as has happened with this action.
That is all I'm going to say on the matter as even though they are not directly related to me I'm going to respect the privacy they have requested while dealing with things.
Please remember that every action has an impact on someone, whether you can see it or not, and that impact might not be what you think it is.
My name is Marcus and sometimes I hate the blog for the truth it brings to light.
Some entries don't get a musical suggestion due to the topic or depth of emotions, this is one such entry
Observations, comments, or questions are more than welcome - ooasm2018@gmail.com
I originally started to write this entry on Saturday, February 09/19 but held off on posting as I worked my way through the emotions.
Apologies for not posting anything the past little while but there was a family issue that developed that unfortunately was a little closer to my last blog entry than I would have ever liked and I've been trying to help someone deal with it.
By deal with it I mean just being there for them to vent on about the unfairness of one persons decision and the complete impact it has on everyone they leave behind. When someone decides to step into that abyss they don't eliminate the pain they might be experiencing but rather leave it behind for everyone who cares about them to carry and try to understand just what made them do it.
I spoke with my ex about the whole situation and she asked me to reach out to our kids to talk to them about it and reassure both of them that nothing like this will ever come their way from either of us. Her request seemed a a bit odd to me but she explained that the kids seem to understand things better when I express them than when she does as I seem to be able to reach down deeper inside to understand and explain things than she thinks she does when talking to them so I honoured it in a call with my daughter and a conversation with my son when he got to my place last night to start his week with me
Being a parent is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and yet there are times it has also been the hardest thing I've had to do, talking to your kids about crossing over that line into the abyss ranks right up there with taking a rusty bat to my gonads.
When I right a blog it usually isn't something I expect to come back and impact me so hard or so damn immediately as has happened with this action.
That is all I'm going to say on the matter as even though they are not directly related to me I'm going to respect the privacy they have requested while dealing with things.
Please remember that every action has an impact on someone, whether you can see it or not, and that impact might not be what you think it is.
My name is Marcus and sometimes I hate the blog for the truth it brings to light.
Some entries don't get a musical suggestion due to the topic or depth of emotions, this is one such entry
Observations, comments, or questions are more than welcome - ooasm2018@gmail.com
Monday, February 4, 2019
The Moment at the Abyss
Monday, February 04/19
So my "Let's Talk" blog entry from January 31st has resulted in more than a few questions asking if it really meant what it sounded like and the answer is a yes.
For those not familiar with the actual paragraph in question here it is again....
"I learned to compartmentalize my feelings at a very young age in order to avoid being mocked and not really deal with them. This led me to suffer from severe bouts of self doubt and extremely low self esteem, so much so that at one point I stood on the edge of the abyss and contemplated just stepping off into the darkness once and for all."
There are things each of us have done that we are not proud of or ever want to share for fear of how they might make us look, that is true for me as well so actually putting into words that there was once a moment where I came close to just letting go still causes me issues to this very day.
I'm a Roman Catholic so the mere thought of suicide and the eternal damnation of my soul should have been enough to keep those thoughts from my mind but we all have those moments where we just question whether it is even worth it to continue, that maybe the world around us would be a better place, that we wouldn't be missed as we really don't matter a rats ass to anyone.
How close was I you wonder? Probably a few hours away close.
What made me step back from the edge and just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward in life?
The thought of how much pain my friend Kelly suffered when her mother committed suicide, the thought that I had only really started to live my life, that I had a lot more years to go to see if I could actually improve myself.
I'd love to say it was the thought of my kids growing up without me but I was a long way from that point in my life so I can't use them as my reason, though I did wonder what it would be like to be a father in my own right, the things I'd try to emulate that I had learned from observing my grandfather and the things I'd never do or say to my child that I'd had to endure from my own stepfather growing up.
Tough love is what it used to be called but it really was nothing more than pure physical abuse on a bad and extreme mental abuse on a good day. The mental part stays with me to this day and sometimes has me questioning whether I really became the son of a bitch I was told I'd be in the end........I don't think so but that self doubt is kind of hard to shake....
I'm so far from perfect but the one thing I've tried to do is learn from my mistakes and be a better person each and every damn day.
Yes, I once stood at the abyss but in the end I felt that as bad as I was feeling at that very moment that I had to take ownership of the process and make some drastic changes in my life, including cutting out my family for several years so I could just focus on myself and not have to constantly defend my decisions, like going to university and moving into my own place, pretty simple stuff but both were actions that I was told were stupid and selfish.
The flip is that my take on education just grew stronger and both my kids have had the opportunity to attend university and I'd sell a kidney to make sure that option was there for them.
There are times I feel the doom and gloom approaching over the horizon and that is when I make sure to talk to someone, to let my emotions out so that they don't fester into something I might not be able to control.
I'm lucky in that I've had the resources to talk to someone when needed and know that is more the exception than the norm and the reason I've always told those in my life that I'll always be there for them to talk to about things, that I might not be able to solve the issues they are facing, but we can and will face them together.
The abyss doesn't offer the solution you may think and I know it took a lot for me to step away as I did as the pain was so intense at times I just wanted it to go away.
Unfortunately we don't know what is on the other side so I think it better to face the problem we do know in the here and now to one we might encounter from stepping off the edge, an act we don't get any do overs from.............
My name is Marcus and I've been to the edge and back, it's a scary place to stand but one I'm glad I've seen as it makes me appreciate all that has happened in my life since.
Comments and observations are always welcome at ooasm2018@gmail.com
So my "Let's Talk" blog entry from January 31st has resulted in more than a few questions asking if it really meant what it sounded like and the answer is a yes.
For those not familiar with the actual paragraph in question here it is again....
"I learned to compartmentalize my feelings at a very young age in order to avoid being mocked and not really deal with them. This led me to suffer from severe bouts of self doubt and extremely low self esteem, so much so that at one point I stood on the edge of the abyss and contemplated just stepping off into the darkness once and for all."
There are things each of us have done that we are not proud of or ever want to share for fear of how they might make us look, that is true for me as well so actually putting into words that there was once a moment where I came close to just letting go still causes me issues to this very day.
I'm a Roman Catholic so the mere thought of suicide and the eternal damnation of my soul should have been enough to keep those thoughts from my mind but we all have those moments where we just question whether it is even worth it to continue, that maybe the world around us would be a better place, that we wouldn't be missed as we really don't matter a rats ass to anyone.
How close was I you wonder? Probably a few hours away close.
What made me step back from the edge and just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward in life?
The thought of how much pain my friend Kelly suffered when her mother committed suicide, the thought that I had only really started to live my life, that I had a lot more years to go to see if I could actually improve myself.
I'd love to say it was the thought of my kids growing up without me but I was a long way from that point in my life so I can't use them as my reason, though I did wonder what it would be like to be a father in my own right, the things I'd try to emulate that I had learned from observing my grandfather and the things I'd never do or say to my child that I'd had to endure from my own stepfather growing up.
Tough love is what it used to be called but it really was nothing more than pure physical abuse on a bad and extreme mental abuse on a good day. The mental part stays with me to this day and sometimes has me questioning whether I really became the son of a bitch I was told I'd be in the end........I don't think so but that self doubt is kind of hard to shake....
I'm so far from perfect but the one thing I've tried to do is learn from my mistakes and be a better person each and every damn day.
Yes, I once stood at the abyss but in the end I felt that as bad as I was feeling at that very moment that I had to take ownership of the process and make some drastic changes in my life, including cutting out my family for several years so I could just focus on myself and not have to constantly defend my decisions, like going to university and moving into my own place, pretty simple stuff but both were actions that I was told were stupid and selfish.
The flip is that my take on education just grew stronger and both my kids have had the opportunity to attend university and I'd sell a kidney to make sure that option was there for them.
There are times I feel the doom and gloom approaching over the horizon and that is when I make sure to talk to someone, to let my emotions out so that they don't fester into something I might not be able to control.
I'm lucky in that I've had the resources to talk to someone when needed and know that is more the exception than the norm and the reason I've always told those in my life that I'll always be there for them to talk to about things, that I might not be able to solve the issues they are facing, but we can and will face them together.
The abyss doesn't offer the solution you may think and I know it took a lot for me to step away as I did as the pain was so intense at times I just wanted it to go away.
Unfortunately we don't know what is on the other side so I think it better to face the problem we do know in the here and now to one we might encounter from stepping off the edge, an act we don't get any do overs from.............
My name is Marcus and I've been to the edge and back, it's a scary place to stand but one I'm glad I've seen as it makes me appreciate all that has happened in my life since.
Comments and observations are always welcome at ooasm2018@gmail.com
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