Monday, February 04/19
So my "Let's Talk" blog entry from January 31st has resulted in more than a few questions asking if it really meant what it sounded like and the answer is a yes.
For those not familiar with the actual paragraph in question here it is again....
"I learned to compartmentalize my feelings at a very young age in order to avoid being mocked and not really deal with them. This led me to suffer from severe bouts of self doubt and extremely low self esteem, so much so that at one point I stood on the edge of the abyss and contemplated just stepping off into the darkness once and for all."
There are things each of us have done that we are not proud of or ever want to share for fear of how they might make us look, that is true for me as well so actually putting into words that there was once a moment where I came close to just letting go still causes me issues to this very day.
I'm a Roman Catholic so the mere thought of suicide and the eternal damnation of my soul should have been enough to keep those thoughts from my mind but we all have those moments where we just question whether it is even worth it to continue, that maybe the world around us would be a better place, that we wouldn't be missed as we really don't matter a rats ass to anyone.
How close was I you wonder? Probably a few hours away close.
What made me step back from the edge and just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward in life?
The thought of how much pain my friend Kelly suffered when her mother committed suicide, the thought that I had only really started to live my life, that I had a lot more years to go to see if I could actually improve myself.
I'd love to say it was the thought of my kids growing up without me but I was a long way from that point in my life so I can't use them as my reason, though I did wonder what it would be like to be a father in my own right, the things I'd try to emulate that I had learned from observing my grandfather and the things I'd never do or say to my child that I'd had to endure from my own stepfather growing up.
Tough love is what it used to be called but it really was nothing more than pure physical abuse on a bad and extreme mental abuse on a good day. The mental part stays with me to this day and sometimes has me questioning whether I really became the son of a bitch I was told I'd be in the end........I don't think so but that self doubt is kind of hard to shake....
I'm so far from perfect but the one thing I've tried to do is learn from my mistakes and be a better person each and every damn day.
Yes, I once stood at the abyss but in the end I felt that as bad as I was feeling at that very moment that I had to take ownership of the process and make some drastic changes in my life, including cutting out my family for several years so I could just focus on myself and not have to constantly defend my decisions, like going to university and moving into my own place, pretty simple stuff but both were actions that I was told were stupid and selfish.
The flip is that my take on education just grew stronger and both my kids have had the opportunity to attend university and I'd sell a kidney to make sure that option was there for them.
There are times I feel the doom and gloom approaching over the horizon and that is when I make sure to talk to someone, to let my emotions out so that they don't fester into something I might not be able to control.
I'm lucky in that I've had the resources to talk to someone when needed and know that is more the exception than the norm and the reason I've always told those in my life that I'll always be there for them to talk to about things, that I might not be able to solve the issues they are facing, but we can and will face them together.
The abyss doesn't offer the solution you may think and I know it took a lot for me to step away as I did as the pain was so intense at times I just wanted it to go away.
Unfortunately we don't know what is on the other side so I think it better to face the problem we do know in the here and now to one we might encounter from stepping off the edge, an act we don't get any do overs from.............
My name is Marcus and I've been to the edge and back, it's a scary place to stand but one I'm glad I've seen as it makes me appreciate all that has happened in my life since.
Comments and observations are always welcome at ooasm2018@gmail.com
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