Saturday, March 09/19
So I've been asked numerous times over the last few years how I come up with the topics I write blogs about and my answer has been consistent that they come from things that happen to me, that I see around me, and that I read about.
Today's blog is one such example as it came to me as I was sitting on the couch with Moki curled up in my lap while reading a story on my iPad this morning.
Total disclosure I was reading "Taking it Easy" by Erin Nicholas. To save you the trouble I'll go ahead right now and confess it is a romantic story and yes, that does mean I'm still reading them, actually haven't really stopped since this time last year, if I really think about it I'd say I've probably read a couple of hundred by now, enjoying every single one of them too!
Okay, enough about my not so secret vice and onto the blog entry.........
I'm not going to do a whole outline of the story other than to say it involves two people who end up together due to unforeseen circumstances who realize they don't know as much about each other as people who've been dating for a little while would and her worry about how much does she share about her prior relationship.
So that is my question......how much do you share about prior relationships with your current partner and how soon or long do you wait before sharing things, how deep does the sharing go, and if you really feel like they are the one for you, do you hold anything back.........
Lots to ponder there right?
I can only speak from my own experiences being married twice and in what I'd call 2.5 other serious relationships outside of marriage.
I can't say there was much to share with my first wife as I'd only had a couple of high school girlfriends before her but I do know that I found it difficult at times to share my dreams and worries with her from about the mid point of our marriage till the end. I think it was about that time that I realized we weren't really meant for one another and it didn't make sense to open myself up to her and share what could be used against me later on. Now I know some will read that and say I was acting in a self-fulfilling way by not sharing with her and thus the inevitable end of our relationship was being hastened along, and maybe they're right, but I was the one in the relationship and knew we'd reached the point of no return with some of her comments and actions and wasn't willing to endure any more heartache and just cut my losses at that point.
I know I've blogged before how I left my first marriage with almost no self confidence and how Suzanne made me realize during our brief but rather intense relationship, the .5 of the 2.5 I've had for those wondering, that I was a far better man than I thought or was led to believe. But I only shared some superficial thoughts or experiences with Suzanne, maybe because I knew what we had was more transitory than either of us were willing to admit, and it didn't seem like something that needed to be done. I'll admit this one was more about the physical than anything else and I have no shame from any walks I made from her place the next morning and know for a fact she had a little hitch in her step and smile on her face when she made her own from my place.
Marriage number two was a little different in that my ex was pretty independent and had already been raising her daughter, soon to be my daughter, for almost five years before we started seeing one another. In some ways I rejoiced in her independence as it meant all the decision making wasn't being left up to me and in some ways that made it a little harder to share my experiences from the first marriage as in her eyes she couldn't see how someone would have put up with what I did for that many years, as she told me once "Bitch was crazy and didn't deserve the love" and she was right but I've not always been able to see such things so clearly. I shared more with her than I thought and yet at times it felt like I hadn't shared anything at all, sort of a strange statement to read but it really is how I felt most of the time. To this day I don't think I ever talked to her about Suzanne as I'm pretty sure that would have made her more than a little jealous to hear and I don't like playing games like that in the least. I don't think she was ever really worried I would stray but did let me know two times that she didn't like the way a couple of women would look at me or flirt, things I never noticed being mister oblivious lol
Karine was the first serious relationship post marriage and interesting for a number of reasons. First off was the fact that she lived on the Gatineau side of the river and was French Canadian. Neither of these things is bad but more out of the ordinary where I am concerned as I perfectly unilingual and never saw myself dating from the Quebec side. The second interesting fact was that she was the first time I'd dated someone ten years younger than myself, coupled with she had no children. We dated for about seven months and shared quite a bit with one another, including the fact that I was not adverse to having more children and she wasn't sure if she wanted to have any at all, exclusive of my son and daughter, who she never even met as I wasn't sure the time was right. Maybe that should be my litmus test on when the time is right to share the deep feelings or experiences, when I reach that point in time when I think meeting my kids is good is also the time to share deep things. Maybe that is backwards as what if we share things and find them so different from what we expect that we don't want them to meet our kids, interesting conundrum don't you think.
With Karine I can say I shared more and yet not enough as things sort of broke down between us when I started looking for a house to buy and didn't think to include her in the process, well from her perspective I should have included her, and it came up when I showed her the floor plans for one I was seriously considering making an offer on and she commented that she hadn't even seen it yet and it looked like there was only room for one car in the driveway. My response of "But I've only got one car" brought complete silence on the call and it was at that point I realized that we hadn't shared any thoughts whatsoever on where each of us saw things going. I saw us dating for another year or so before we came to the big decisions and she saw us at that point now and told me she'd been talking to a realtor about selling her place so she could help with a bigger down payment on the one we were going to buy and wasn't against living in Kanata as long as I promised to visit her family every couple of weekends in Montreal. Needless to say we both realized that while we enjoyed spending time with one another we hadn't felt the need to verbalize what we both were feeling and that probably wasn't an good indicator of how we'd do as a couple living together.
And then there was Corinne................
Of anyone I've let into my life I can honestly say I think I was the most open with her about things that had transpired with me before meeting her, I shared the good and the bad, and I'm pretty sure I was open about my hope for the future.
Hindsight says I might have been a too open on that future part as maybe my seeing us together as she transitioned through the various phases of her movements through her organization was what made her take a step back and say to herself "Oh, Hell No!"
I'm kidding with that last bit......mostly as I do wonder if my being open to talking about what might happen to us made her nervous as I'm sure not many guys would have been as open and honest about not minding following a partner around.
I don't think there was a subject we didn't talk about or were afraid to talk about if the moment called for it. Communicating wasn't really an issue with her and it was that way from the start with some really good conversations on the phone before we even met for the first time. I think it was that easy rapport that made the initial date, yes it was a date and not a meet-n-greet as it involved a meal, go so well and left neither one of us wanting it to end that chilly Saturday down in the market.
I think it's clear to see that I've run the gamut from not sharing enough to sharing everything important and maybe sharing too much too soon.
If I had to take one approach I'd follow the one I employed with Corinne but maybe leave out some of the thoughts about the future and let her more lead that aspect of the sharing so she would have been more comfortable.
How much do you share and why that amount?
My name is Marcus and I'm searching for my one but along the way I'm going to see what life brings me by way of new friends and adventures.
Today's musical suggestion is "Really Don't Care" by Postmodern Jukebox with Morgan James on lead vocals and the happiest guy I've ever seen on tambourine.
Watch the YouTube video here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EddjOiFcp9Y
As always, comments and questions are welcome at ooasm2018@gmail.com
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