Love is.........

Wednesday, February 27/19

On March 11th I've got a meeting scheduled and once it's over I think I'll be in a position to post some blog entries about changes that have been going on in my life, so please be patient and some of the references in entries over the past month or so will make a little more sense, I hope.....

So I was sitting in the lobby of my building just outside the cafe that serves the twin towers this afternoon and I happened to overhear a conversation between two women that made me rethink some of my thoughts about love and my approach, well what I think was my approach going back a few years.

Now neither of these women work for the same company as me so I have no clue who they are and I'm pretty confident I've never seen them before and probably won't ever run into them again given the large number of people who cross paths over the course of the day in the building, all of which makes this random encounter that much more interesting.

There are these little areas setup in the lobby that have really comfy low seats arranged around a central low table and spread around them are 2 or 4 top tables where people can eat lunch, work on laptops, or play cards, really whatever strikes a persons mood. I was sitting in one of the low seats with my ear buds in acting like sound dampeners without any music playing just reading my tablet and snacking on some fruit and veggies I'd packed for my lunch, just minding my own business when two women sat at a 2 top table sort of to my right and started to chat while eating salads.

I didn't really pay them much attention as they sat down and I'm pretty sure they thought I had music playing as they didn't hesitate to begin having a rather interesting conversation about relationships and love.

Since I won't likely come across them again I'm going to go ahead and use the names they called one another as I don't think it's breaking any privacy issues, least ways that is what I'm trying to convince myself of right now.

I'd say they were between late 20's to early 40's and that shows you just how broken my age detector really is these days as I have no clue how old they could of been other than they were younger than me, but that's not so hard to be given my own advanced age lol

The blond was named Emily and the brunette was named Yvette and had a delectable little French accent.

The conversation basically centered around Emily's decision, made from the sound of things that very morning, to end things with her boyfriend of close to two years and her basis for the decision. Here is my best recollection of the exchange.

Emily: So I've decided I'm done with Matt and I'm going to end things tonight when I go to his place for dinner

Yvette: WHAT! Why? I thought things were good between you two

Emily: They are good but I don't see him in the plan.

Yvette: Oh Em, you know I love you, but sometimes your views on relationships and love make me want to pull my hair out. You can't treat love like a business plan and lay it out so formally.

Emily: How is wanting someone that fits into my life plan wrong?

Now this is where it made me pay attention, probably more than I should have....

Yvette: Relationships aren't business, They're messy and they're complicated - they're organic, they breathe, they evolve over timer, they don't live by any set of rules

Emily: <Huge Sigh>  But I don't like messy and I hate complicated

Yvette: Of course you don't but you don't get to decide these things as they aren't controllable, the best you can hope for is to find someone with whom you can share the ride with

Emily: Well that sure as shit isn't Matt and I'm more certain of that than anything else right now, a girl in a relationship shouldn't have to use her vibrator as much as I do these days......

At this point Yvette started having a coughing attack as she had been taking a drink when she heard that and tried her best not to spit it out all over her friend.

I think they realized this was a conversation they needed to have in a less public place and picked up their stuff and left to head back to work. I sat there for a few more minutes thinking about all I had just heard.

Love is organic is my biggest takeaway from the entire conversation as it's so true. We can try and plan things out but we'd best be ready for the proverbial monkey wrench to be thrown our way now and again, rolling with the punch is something we're all told growing up and it's nowhere truer than when it comes to love.

Love is messy. It evokes emotions, it makes us feel like we are floating above the clouds one moment and plummeting to our deaths the next, it causes our hearts to beat with anticipation and with dread, love doesn't play favourites, it doesn't care about your race, age, religion, or sexual orientation.

Love will make you feel alive one day and dead to the world the next, it'll make you the centre of the universe and then as quickly leave you feeling completely isolated and alone.

Love hurts, love excites, love is what we all want in our lives, no matter what we might try and tell ourselves.

I know that I used to be more like Emily than I ever thought. I like to sort of plan things out and when my plan didn't pan out I'd get rattled, this led me to sort of start taking a step back whenever someone showed interest in me as I'd ask myself "why bother, they'll just end up hurting me"

Pretty sad way to go into it with someone new right?

When I would go out with anyone I'd start looking for those little signs that meant it wouldn't work out and than I'd use them to justify my decision to not see them again.

The only time I didn't follow this model was when I met Corinne. No, this isn't a post about laminating for a lost love, it's about how people can change you from one mind set to another.

When I met her for lunch I sensed a connection, helped by the several hours prior that we'd spend chatting on the phone, but even thought my heart kicked a beat faster while we sat across from one another I was already mentally cataloging the ways I wasn't good enough for her, trying to find my exit strategy when she blew that out of the water and leaned over to kiss me, telling me she'd been imaging the feel of my lips on hers all day long.

She side tracked me and when I tried to distance myself the next day she called me out on my bullshit and wouldn't let me act so stupidly, making me agree that we had something strong developing between us.

Now I know there are those who have read some of the older posts and want to point out that we did end up breaking up but that's not the point I'm trying to make here....she got me to think outside my normal box and that is what love does, it mixes things up.

Sure we split up a year later but oh what a year it was in my books, the most alive I'd felt since the first years of my marriage, she reminded me that I am a good guy and just need to stop getting into my own head so damn much, that I don't need to let others expectations control me, that changing things up is never a bad thing.

I miss that aspect of being with her and think I need to force that train of thought to become a more central theme in how I approach things going on in my life, sort of what I started to do back in October but won't be able to talk about for another week or so.

It's funny that you can have your heart broken by someone and still be thankful for the time you were with them as you know that in the end you came out of it a better person, which is how I feel about my time with Corinne.

Love isn't rooted in concrete, it can be permanent and it can be as fleeting as the clouds floating across the sky, it really depends on the people involved and how they mesh what they want from each other.

I don't try and imagine things with anyone that extend past the next month or so, least not until there is a relationship developing, and then I'd probably push things out a few months at a time.

In hindsight, such a wonderful superpower to have, I'm sure I got too invested in things with Corrine and scared the shit out her as she has to do more planning for her carer and didn't need it at home as well. They say a smart person learns from their mistakes so here's hoping I'm as smart as I like to think I am and don't sabotage the next relationship I'm in.......

My name is Marcus and I hope love finds it's way into my life as I like to think I'm a good catch but guess that is more something I should let others decide upon for themselves.

Questions and/or comments are always welcome - ooasm2018@gmail.com

Tonight's musical suggestion is "Echoes of You" from the new Marianas Trench album. I'm really liking the sound of this one and think the wait between albums was well worth it.

P.S. Emily, If you ever come across this blog, know that real relationships mean not needing a vibrator, I'm just saying :-)