Feb 22/13 - Had the "Other" talk with my son

Today’s musical recommendation is “Mad World” by Tears for Fears

 
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I had the talk with my son the other day. No, not the sex one as I don’t think I’m ready yet for him to explain how things work and think it will be very uncomfortable to sit through it lol

No, the talk I’m referring to centers around being safe in a mad and crazy world.  Now I know we live in Canada and it is nothing like the United States and I thank God for that far more often than I ever thought possible, especially given that I grew up down there, but the truth is that the world you and I grew up in is long gone and one we’ll likely never see again.

It feels like not a single day goes by without some kind of news story about a shooting, whether it’s at a school, courthouse, mall, or on the street. I read a story that there were something like 93 deaths over a span of 6 days in shooting related incidents and it scared the living crap out of me.

When I was a young lad we’d stay out till all hours in the summer and our parents would just yell out the door for us to come home, other adults could tell us to knock it off when we acted up and we’d actually listen, and the scariest part about school was whether we forgot our lunch money, didn’t do our homework, or missed the bus. Today those are the least of the worries we face as parents, now we worry about bullying, drugs, alcohol, and some crazy person deciding they’ve had enough and it is time to bring a gun out and show the world how they deal with things.

Now my son has to call either his mom or I when he gets home to let us know where he is, what his plans are for the afternoon, and who he’ll be hanging out with. We installed a friend finder app on his cell phone so we know where he is for those times he has it on mute and can’t hear it ringing, least this way we have some comfort in knowing we can track him down. Sounds kind of stalkerish and he isn't too crazy about these things but better safe than sorry.

I look at his cell phone as I do life preservers on a boat – not as something it would be nice to have but something you better damn well make sure are on board at all times.

So last week when I found out he’d been leaving his cell phone at home I kind of lost it and blew a gasket with him and for one of the few times in his life actually raised my voice at him. I asked him why he was leaving it at home and he said that because he texts a lot during the afternoon and evening that the battery wasn’t always charged and sometimes he felt a bit self-conscious about having one when not all his friends do. I said the way to counter the low battery was to make placing it on the charger on his desk part of his bedtime routine like brushing his teeth and that of all his friends I could probably name less than a handful who didn’t have a cell phone so that argument wasn’t going to fly. He confessed that he was getting a tonne of texts during the day while in class from friends and hated having to deal with them as he worried about getting in trouble. I said there was no law that required him to respond to text messages right away and he was more than capable of telling his friends not to text him during class as he wouldn’t respond until lunch or after school.

My primary message was that I wanted that phone around him in case, heaven forbid, there was ever a need for him to call 911 because some psycho was roaming the halls randomly shooting through doors. He half laughed and said that kind of stuff doesn’t happen here and I shouldn’t be so paranoid. I looked him in the eyes and said I’m sure that is just what a lot of parents thought when they sent their kids off to high school those fateful mornings in Columbine, Colorado and Taber, Alberta. I told him that the subject wasn’t up for debate and his mom and I had talked about it and agreed to present a united front in the event he balked about it with us. I told him to look at my face and ask himself if he thought he was seeing my joking around face or my “not taking any crap” serious face right now. He looked and said he thought it looked to him like I wanted to cry and I said part of me did as this is another piece of innocence being stripped away from what should be some of the best years of growing up that can never be replaced, that it made me sick to think that when I drop him off in the morning I have to make sure to tell him I love him on the outside chance that something horrible might happen.

Do I think that something as wicked and evil like Newtown could happen in Ottawa? Not very likely but on the other hand I’m not willing to take any chances when it comes to my son’s life and will do everything in my power to protect him and give him every chance to grow up. I came close to losing him once to a health issue that nobody knew about and won’t make the same mistake with something I have some control over.

So I had the other talk with him and he’s been making sure to charge his phone overnight and has it in his pocket when we leave for school every morning. Hopefully someday we can get back to having the sex talk and he can fill me in on everything I don’t know and should…..but the key is making sure we can get to that point in time to have that talk.

My name is Marcus and I’m looking to date and hopefully meet the One

I have a dog  --  I don't dance  --  The dog will dance for treats and attention  -- the dog is a princess and high maintenance but I still love her

Feb 12/13 Valentine's Day

Today's musical recommendation - Open Season by the High Highs
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I dread Thursday.  For those of you living under a rock this Thursday is Valentine’s Day.  No, I don’t dread it because I’m single and won’t be sharing it with the one.

The truth is that I’ve always dreaded Valentine’s Day, but not for the reason you may think.

I am a romantic at heart and think that love should be shared each and every day you find yourself fortunate enough to be in a relationship and not because there is one artificial day set aside to show the rest of the world what great partners we are.

Romance isn’t the stress of trying to find the perfect gift, book the best restaurant, or ensuring the flowers or candy get delivered before a predetermined time.

No, to me romance is a touch as we pass one another, a glass of cold orange juice left on the bathroom counter for when the shower is done, finding your favorite magazine laying on your night stand, a card in the mail out of the blue, a smile from across the room, a text for no reason, lunch time dates that elicit a smile and a sigh, and so many other things.

I’ve been fortunate for the most part to have had partners who shared my view on romance and shunned the hoopla that surrounds Valentine’s Day. I also had one relationship where she focused so much energy and time on Valentine’s Day that I should have seen it as a sign of the coming apocalypse, I kid you not.

Now I’m sure much of what I just wrote will leave many shaking their heads and saying “No wonder the man is still single, he has no clue what makes a woman happy” and I concede there might be some validity to your thoughts. I did say some as I’m more and more of the opinion that there are a lot of us out there thinking things have gotten way too complicated around this one day.

So maybe you are wondering what I would do this Thursday if I was with the One. That is a fair question and I’ll just say this, I wouldn’t force anything and am confident that at the end of that day, like every other day we shared, she would close her eyes at the end of the day knowing how much I love her and cherish her presence in my life.

So having read this far what is your take on Valentine’s Day?

Dec 14/12 - Why?

Today as I worked on a special project behind closed doors at work I kept seeing breaking news flashes on the internet of the shooting at a grade school in Newton Connecticut and it left me feeling sick to my stomach.

As a parent one of my worst fears is something happening to my children when they are at school or work. The thought of them having to face such an action without me around to try and protect them has to be the most horrifying sensation I'll ever experience.

As I sit here looking at texts from both ot my children I am openly crying at the pain and sorrow the parents of Newton are now left feeling.

 
Why do humans act with such depravity towards one another?

What kind of courage does it take to walk into a school of small children and shoot them as you wander from class to class?

I know this won't come across as very enlightened or politcally correct in this day and age but I truly hope that the soul of monster who did this rots in a very dark and dank part of hell for eternity.

My heart goes out to the families ripped asunder at this senseless act of violence who have lost a loved one and to the survivors who will end up with years of anguish as they deal with wondering there but for the turn of handle it could have been them and the reality that these families, victims and survivors will now face one another day in and day out wondering what could have been.

May we look back someday and point to it as the final act of brutality that finally saw society step up and say enough is enough when it comes to guns and take the steps necessary to protect our children.

Marcus

How about some Clarity?

January 20/13

Today’s musical recommendation is “Why Can't I Have You?” by The Cars

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Recently I posted a blog answering a question about what it was I'm looking for in a partner and in it I mentioned some of the women I've had the good fortune to meet while spending time on the pond.

It seems like some people read that blog and somehow took my words and read into them that I've dated a lot of women and am basically some kind of man-whore who is on here to add some notches to my belt.

Reality is much different than what a lot of you may think.

I've been on my own since Feb '07 and did the numbers earlier today and was a little surprised to see I've gone out a total of 34 times with a different woman.

Now 34 might seem like a large number to some people but lets take a closer look.

I've been single for just under 71 months. During that time I've had 2 relationships that involved multiple dates and were monogamous.

So 34 dates over 71 months works out to one new person every 2 months. When we subtract the 10 months after my separation where I did not date let alone even talk to a female other than through work, the 8 months I was in the 2 previously mentioned relationships, and the 15 months I've taken myself off the market in order to recharge my mental batteries it is now 32 women over 38 months. The average drops to one new date every 1.2 months.

Not looking so much like a man-whore now am I?

The thing that stands out is that I have dated more than I thought, that I've always been respectful of those I've dated and never dated more than 1 woman at a time, and while I've not been able to meet the one I've actually been active in my search for her.

Now to me a man-whore is a guy who is looking to get laid and only get laid. I've had far more opportunities for that than I ever thought possible but I respect myself a tad bit more than to just jump into bed with anyone I might meet. I like being able to look my children in the eye and give them advice about life with a clear conscience and could not do that if I was the man-whore a few of you have declared me to be.

The ironic thing is that I've met several women on this site who have done multiple dates in the same day in order to meet guys in order to maximize free time given custody arrangements or work schedules and yet having never done that myself find I've been classed as some kind of womanizer. Interesting place this pond can be at times.

Now this posting may come across as a little angry and that is probably more true than I'd like to admit but no one, myself included, likes to see their reputation or intent impugned.

I am looking for the "ONE". That means I'm going to put myself out there and meet people. Maybe I'll get lucky and meet her soon but since I'm a realist I'm not going to panic if it means a date a month or even a date every other week given my alternate week custody arrangement.

So given all the above maybe I'm just a regular guy hoping to meet the one who steals my heart and gets me off the pond - isn't that why you are here?

My name is Marcus and I'm looking for the One.

Feb 08/13 - Words.......

Today’s musical recommendation is “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge. Oddly enough SWR is an all guy band from Southern California.

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Have you ever stopped to wonder about the power of words?

The right words can lift your spirits and make you smile, my you look simply ravishing in that dress, and they can leave you feeling deflated and unloved, you aren’t really thinking of wearing that tonight are you?

There are the spoken words we use to communicate and the one’s left unsaid that actually say more than we can ever imagine and whose impact can be felt long after the sun has set.

Sometimes we are the party expressing those unspoken words and don’t ever know we’ve done so. Other times we’ve been the recipient of them and felt the deep cuts they may or may not have been meant to cause us.

One word can have multiple meanings and depending on how we use it defines a sentence and message. Live from the Apollo Theatre versus live for tomorrow…..one word with multiple opportunities to express a message.

I love you spoken unasked versus being asked if you love them…..of course I love you, why do you ask such silly questions……is it really a silly question or a simple attempt to achieve some confirmation of feelings from one person to another

Hearing my partner say I love you out of the blue would make my hear pound while hearing the same words as we got ready to fall asleep didn’t quite generate the same feeling. Now don’t get me wrong and think for a moment I didn’t like hearing those words at night but reach back into your memory and ask yourself if the unexpected didn’t have just that tad bit more oomph to it than the expected.

How about when you know the words are coming and suddenly they don’t? When in a relationship I’m all about ending calls with the simple “love you” and when I don’t hear it back alarms start to go off and numerous questions begin racing through my pea sized mind – does she not love me? Is she mad at me? Can this be the beginning of the end?

I agree that response on my part is kind of humorous but the worry still comes out when the expected doesn’t happen. I think that is mixture of human nature, the evolution of dating, and the complexity of relationships in the modern age. When you don’t feel that connection anymore, you tend to resist expressing yourself quite so freely and one of the easiest ways to begin to establish your independence is to hold back on key words or expressions.

Women use words to try and cushion the blow of rejection – we can still be friends – whereas men will say what comes to mind and not think of the consequences – I don’t feel it anymore and think it best to just end things now. The male approach is more brute force but in the real world the more honest communication as the female approach can leave a man wondering if there is some hope of reconciliation. Usually there isn’t but we males tend to grasp at any lifeline possible, especially if we are being blindsided by the words.

I started thinking about this topic last night after a discussion with my son. He asked me a question and didn’t like my response and made a pithy comment, as teenagers are want to do these days. I started to respond and literally froze before I got the first words out. He laughed and asked me what was the matter and I smiled at him and said “It is better I take my time in thinking about how I wish to respond to you than regret my words later”

He didn’t understand what I meant and said so, so I explained that once I say a word or phrase I can’t take it back no matter how much I might want to do so, that it is far better to say nothing and have someone think me a fool than open my mouth and confirm their suspicions. He laughed and said he liked how that sounded and he would keep it in mind for when he has a girlfriend. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he wouldn’t be getting many words in edge wise with any girlfriends he might have in his teenage year’s lol

So when I have to respond to someone I weigh my words very carefully, most of the time, and now do the same with my written words as well. It might seem like I’m at a loss for words but let me assure that is hardly ever the case, it is more likely I’m doing my best to leave your suspicions about me unconfirmed, least for the moment.


My name is Marcus and I’m looking to date and hopefully meet the One

I have a dog -- I don't dance -- The dog will dance for treats and attention -- the dog is a princess and high maintenance but I still love her

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My objective with the posts is to express my feelings on a number of topics and hopefully get people to see outside the box for you never know what you might miss by focusing too much on one thing. There is nothing wrong with living in the box as long as you realize there is a world outside that box and it just might be a pretty cool place to visit now and again.....I'm just saying