December 31, 2017
Just wanted to take a moment to wish each of you a very Happy New Year's and hope 2018 brings you peace, joy, prosperity, and maybe even love :-)
I'm spending the day taking care of my sick son as it seems he has come down with a cold and than heading over to my daughters to babysit my adorable grandson Baby Jack as she attends a wedding with her fiance.
2017 has been an interesting year for me to say the least.
I've gotten to watch my grandson develop into this adorable little baby boy who loves to smile, laugh, get thrown into the air, and explore the world around him. Much better than he was just a little lump that ate, slept, and pooped. Now if I can just get him to start talking to me it would be cake, and i love me some good cake lol
My son went to Europe on a class trip for his senior year, he graduated high school with merit, and started university. To call me a proud father would be an understatement. I think I'm enjoying his first year at university more than I enjoyed my own lol
My daughter continues to make me smile every time I see her dealing with her son. The love she has for her little boy is beyond description. She has truly developed into a fine woman in her own right and both her mother and I take great pride in the lady she has become.
Work has been interesting in that at the early part of the year I was totally throwing myself into it and doing crazy hours but over the course of the summer I reigned it in and started to live my life as I should have all along: work to live and not live to work.
The dating front has been a mixed bag and that is all on me as I never really got my groove on and put myself out there till towards the end of summer, start of fall. Now I've put it on hold once again as getting involved with anyone at this point seems kind of senseless.
Health wise things started out fantastic with my high blood pressure being so under control and my A1C1 staying in the positive range and keeping me off any new medications. Of course as recent blog postings have come to show, not all is well in Marcusville........
I'm not going to rehash the recent events as they are all in prior posts other than to say I'm not going to let them define who I am or the path I'm going to take.
I used to have the following in my closing of every posting...."master the 35 yards wedge over a bunker" or some variety and I did master that shot this past summer......so now my new tag line is kick the tumors ass and live to be that old man who annoys people with "when I was younger........"
So here is hoping you raise a glass tonight of your favourite beverage to the New Year with someone near and dear to your heart and 2018 brings you nothing but good tidings.
My name is Marcus and 2017 was an interesting year and I'm planning on making 2018 even better between watching my kids and grandson grow up, to hitting the mid 80's consistently, to making cancer tap out in a submission hold, to maybe even meeting the perfectly imperfect one for me with whom I share my last first kiss. It's a new year so anything is possible!!!
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Friday, December 29, 2017
Thursday Brought Some Confusion, Nerves, a Laugh, And The Bombshell
Friday, December 29/17
I think to say yesterday was a filled with a variety of emotions for me would be putting it mildly.
Wednesday night was one of the most anxious nights of my life and sleep hardly came to me at all, and when it did it was in short 10-15 minute sequences. I've noticed that Moki has become very clingy the last few days, almost as if she sensed my unease and was trying her best to show me some love and bring a sense of calmness to me.
Thursday morning I awoke to one of the coldest days in recorded history for Ottawa with a high of minus 21 and low of minus 27. The kicker was the windchill which made it feel like -37!!! Kind of not the way I wanted the day to start off.
The instructions I had were to be at the Queensway Carleton Hospital for 8:00 am to get some blood work done, the fourth round in the last month, and then be upstairs at the Endo-Cysto Clinic for 9:00 am and the planned procedure. All of that sounds pretty simple and easy to do right?
Well I arrived on time and went down to diagnostics to check in for the blood work and am asked if I have a requisition for them. Nope, tell them everything was arranged by the specialists office and I've not even met the doctor yet. This is met with some confusion and frowns and they call his office only to learn that all the requisitions are up in the Endo-Cysto Clinic so we have to wait for them to be run down. Once they arrive it's noted that only one vial is needed, this again resulting in some some strange faces that lead them to tell me it's odd to only draw one vial and not the usual 2-3 for testing. The blood letting complete I head upstairs to the clinic.
Upon arriving I'm given a batch of paperwork to complete, shown where to change into a gown, lockers for my clothes, and the waiting room with the notice that a nurse will come get me shortly.
I get changed and head into the waiting room to find 3 other people waiting before me. I smiled and said hello before checking my emails on my iPhone, which I was told I could actually bring with me. As I'm checking them out I listen to the conversation around me and learn that my doctors name is coming up quite a bit, all in a good way that makes me feel a little less apprehensive.
Things are slow as it sounds like he was called into the OR for a consult and thus causing a bit of a backlog with his own schedule. Take your time doc is all I can think to myself.
Soon the door opens and this young nurse calls my name and leads me down the hallway to a day surgery room for the procedure. As we are walking into the room she confirms my identity and what I'm here for today. First is easy and the second I have to admit I'm not entirely sure and explain the sequence of events as I know them. Another frown as she is looking at my chart, now I'm getting a little frazzled with all the frowns and lack of knowledge as to my reason for being there. She has me lay down on the examining table and tells me to try and relax as they sort things out. So I've got to say that is probably the last thing to tell someone when you've pretty much just admitted you have no fucking clue why they are there in the first place. Now I try and be as fair as possible and know it's not her fault and apologize if I seem upset, how Canadian of me, this elicits a smile and she tells me no problem.
As I'm laying there another nurse comes in and they are chatting very quietly as they go over my chart in fine detail, way more quieter than I think is normal so of course my skin begins to crawl and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, thinking to myself I wonder what my blood pressure is at right that moment, probably off the charts.
They finish chatting and the older nurse, as in her mid 30's probably, begins to set up an IV stand with some saline solutions and the younger nurse, think along the lines of late 20's comes over to tell me to pull my surgical pants down past my knees and the gown up past my waist as she is going to apply some iodine to my nether regions and it might feel cold and kind of greasy.
I burst out laughing and both look at me like I'm losing it so I smile and say this wasn't how I envisioned being touched after a two year hiatus. The younger one looks at the older one and than down at me and says "really, it's been two years?" I smiled at her and said it's not the end of the world just not how I saw this streak ending.
As I'm saying that I hear a male voice from out of my view ask what streak and the nurses tell the doctor about my streak. He smiles at me and laughingly says not only is it ending with his nurse but also with himself as he makes sure I have all the right equipment. Talk about an ice breaker lol
He grabs my chart and comes to sit on a chair next to the table and says "So refresh me why you are here as there is a little bit of confusion this morning and I want to understand things better"
So I tell him about my high blood pressure and how because of my age my doctor gets blood work and urine drawn every 6 months to monitor my A1C1 and cholesterol, how the work down back in April showed some trace amounts of blood in my urine and than again back in October, so she decided to have an ultra sound down just to make sure things were ok. I explained the ultrasound came back showing a black spot on my bladder that resulted in my referral to see him. That his office called me back in mid December to set up a meeting with him to review the ultrasound and now it seems like somehow I'm being prepped for a procedure.
As I was saying all of this he was reading my charts and looking at the ultrasound. When I finished he put everything down and told me that because of my age and ethnicity that I was more likely to have potential problems and thus the reason my doctor was being more aggressive than usual in her approach to the results.
So he outlined what was going to happen and told me he was going to make sure we got answers.
Now what he did was pretty much place a micro thin diagnostic camera up my urethra, very medical term for penis, and into my bladder so he could fill it with saline and see what this spot was that showed up on my ultrasound. Now I've never given birth and probably never will but I'd venture to say that this as close to the feeling that I'm going to get. Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I had during the exam.
They spun a monitor around so I was able to see exactly what he was seeing and before long this little lump of what looked like crystals came into view. At this point I was still holding out hope for polyps but knew at that moment my hopes were in vain. The next words he told me confirmed my worst fears...."You have a tumor"
He slowly withdrew the probe and told me once I got cleaned up and changed he'd meet with me to discuss the findings and our next steps. But wait it gets even better as at the last moment he decided to check my prostrate and now I could feel even more violated.........
The nurse walked me back to the change room, handing me a prescription for an antibiotic related to the procedure, and explained I might feel a little discomfort over the next 24-48 hours urinating. Well she was fucking right with that last statement as it feels like I'm trying to pass a string of barbed wire.
I met the doctor in the conference room where he drew me a diagram of my kidneys, tubes, and bladder, explaining the inter-connectivity of everything. He said that normally they'd have scraped the tumor off my bladder wall and had it sent to pathology to determine if it is benign or malignant but because of my age he wanted to get a CT scan done of my kidneys and bladder and that doing anything to my bladder right now might distort the readings so he was going to wait till the CT scan was completed.
He said that there is no way to know the status of the tumor without doing the pathology but that because it was caught so early he was confident we could treat it and I'll make a full recovery, though he did temper that by saying nothing was 100% certain.
He told me that no matter what the CT scan reveals that I will be having surgery to remove the tumor and then be on medicine to help combat any recurrences. The surgery should be a day procedure but it could entail an overnight stay depending on how things turn out. The last part is a bit of a blur as all I could do is think about my kids and Baby Jack - I'm nowhere near ready to give up on seeing them grow up and told the doctor that whatever it takes to make sure I'm around I'm 100% behind.
I explained about my daughter getting married and asked if the surgery could wait until after we return from Mexico and he said that barring anything drastic showing up on the CT scan he would make sure it wasn't scheduled until after the 21st and told me to enjoy me to enjoy the moments as they come.
I drove home and poured myself a very stiff drink and just sat there and let the tears come.
My poor dog had no clue what was going on so she curled up in my lap and laid her head on my stomach and looked up at me with her puppy dog eyes, which of course touched off more tears from me.
After a little while I called my ex and broke the news to her as it does impact her through the kids. She was really quiet and I thought for a moment she had hung up before I heard her sigh and exclaim "Fuck Cancer! we're beating this"
We talked for a bit and she told me not to hesitate to ask for help as I'm not in this alone.
I told her that I'm still not going to tell the kids till after we get back from Mexico and still might put it off until after I have the surgery and know the results of the pathology. She said it's my call but I should expect some anger from them when they do find out that I held off telling them but she completely agrees with my decision as both of them would be far too worried about me than to think about the wedding or university.
The good thing is that I know my daughter will have a strong shoulder to lean on when the news does come out and my son will do his best to make me laugh and entertain me with tonnes of soccer trivia.
Last night was pretty fucking awful as my mood swung back and forth from thinking the worst to hoping for the best, mixed in with anger and tears, way more than I thought possible. I didn't give into the anger and am glad to say there are no holes in any of the walls or doors.
I woke up this morning feeling really nothing inside, mostly just burned at both ends, but have been making myself clean up the Xmas decorations and take down the tree, not because of yesterday as it was always my plan to clean up today but now it's serving to help keep me busy.
So while I had sort of put things on hold pending yesterday it seems like I've got to continue with that approach as changing jobs would be stupid given my awesome insurance coverage and dating would be unfair as my mind is so not going to be into meeting anyone let alone open to talking about life.
My name is Marcus and all I've got to say is I have a new motto and it's "FUCK CANCER!!!!
I debated if a musical suggestion was in order today and my new motto sort of led me to this one "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
I think to say yesterday was a filled with a variety of emotions for me would be putting it mildly.
Wednesday night was one of the most anxious nights of my life and sleep hardly came to me at all, and when it did it was in short 10-15 minute sequences. I've noticed that Moki has become very clingy the last few days, almost as if she sensed my unease and was trying her best to show me some love and bring a sense of calmness to me.
Thursday morning I awoke to one of the coldest days in recorded history for Ottawa with a high of minus 21 and low of minus 27. The kicker was the windchill which made it feel like -37!!! Kind of not the way I wanted the day to start off.
The instructions I had were to be at the Queensway Carleton Hospital for 8:00 am to get some blood work done, the fourth round in the last month, and then be upstairs at the Endo-Cysto Clinic for 9:00 am and the planned procedure. All of that sounds pretty simple and easy to do right?
Well I arrived on time and went down to diagnostics to check in for the blood work and am asked if I have a requisition for them. Nope, tell them everything was arranged by the specialists office and I've not even met the doctor yet. This is met with some confusion and frowns and they call his office only to learn that all the requisitions are up in the Endo-Cysto Clinic so we have to wait for them to be run down. Once they arrive it's noted that only one vial is needed, this again resulting in some some strange faces that lead them to tell me it's odd to only draw one vial and not the usual 2-3 for testing. The blood letting complete I head upstairs to the clinic.
Upon arriving I'm given a batch of paperwork to complete, shown where to change into a gown, lockers for my clothes, and the waiting room with the notice that a nurse will come get me shortly.
I get changed and head into the waiting room to find 3 other people waiting before me. I smiled and said hello before checking my emails on my iPhone, which I was told I could actually bring with me. As I'm checking them out I listen to the conversation around me and learn that my doctors name is coming up quite a bit, all in a good way that makes me feel a little less apprehensive.
Things are slow as it sounds like he was called into the OR for a consult and thus causing a bit of a backlog with his own schedule. Take your time doc is all I can think to myself.
Soon the door opens and this young nurse calls my name and leads me down the hallway to a day surgery room for the procedure. As we are walking into the room she confirms my identity and what I'm here for today. First is easy and the second I have to admit I'm not entirely sure and explain the sequence of events as I know them. Another frown as she is looking at my chart, now I'm getting a little frazzled with all the frowns and lack of knowledge as to my reason for being there. She has me lay down on the examining table and tells me to try and relax as they sort things out. So I've got to say that is probably the last thing to tell someone when you've pretty much just admitted you have no fucking clue why they are there in the first place. Now I try and be as fair as possible and know it's not her fault and apologize if I seem upset, how Canadian of me, this elicits a smile and she tells me no problem.
As I'm laying there another nurse comes in and they are chatting very quietly as they go over my chart in fine detail, way more quieter than I think is normal so of course my skin begins to crawl and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, thinking to myself I wonder what my blood pressure is at right that moment, probably off the charts.
They finish chatting and the older nurse, as in her mid 30's probably, begins to set up an IV stand with some saline solutions and the younger nurse, think along the lines of late 20's comes over to tell me to pull my surgical pants down past my knees and the gown up past my waist as she is going to apply some iodine to my nether regions and it might feel cold and kind of greasy.
I burst out laughing and both look at me like I'm losing it so I smile and say this wasn't how I envisioned being touched after a two year hiatus. The younger one looks at the older one and than down at me and says "really, it's been two years?" I smiled at her and said it's not the end of the world just not how I saw this streak ending.
As I'm saying that I hear a male voice from out of my view ask what streak and the nurses tell the doctor about my streak. He smiles at me and laughingly says not only is it ending with his nurse but also with himself as he makes sure I have all the right equipment. Talk about an ice breaker lol
He grabs my chart and comes to sit on a chair next to the table and says "So refresh me why you are here as there is a little bit of confusion this morning and I want to understand things better"
So I tell him about my high blood pressure and how because of my age my doctor gets blood work and urine drawn every 6 months to monitor my A1C1 and cholesterol, how the work down back in April showed some trace amounts of blood in my urine and than again back in October, so she decided to have an ultra sound down just to make sure things were ok. I explained the ultrasound came back showing a black spot on my bladder that resulted in my referral to see him. That his office called me back in mid December to set up a meeting with him to review the ultrasound and now it seems like somehow I'm being prepped for a procedure.
As I was saying all of this he was reading my charts and looking at the ultrasound. When I finished he put everything down and told me that because of my age and ethnicity that I was more likely to have potential problems and thus the reason my doctor was being more aggressive than usual in her approach to the results.
So he outlined what was going to happen and told me he was going to make sure we got answers.
Now what he did was pretty much place a micro thin diagnostic camera up my urethra, very medical term for penis, and into my bladder so he could fill it with saline and see what this spot was that showed up on my ultrasound. Now I've never given birth and probably never will but I'd venture to say that this as close to the feeling that I'm going to get. Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I had during the exam.
They spun a monitor around so I was able to see exactly what he was seeing and before long this little lump of what looked like crystals came into view. At this point I was still holding out hope for polyps but knew at that moment my hopes were in vain. The next words he told me confirmed my worst fears...."You have a tumor"
He slowly withdrew the probe and told me once I got cleaned up and changed he'd meet with me to discuss the findings and our next steps. But wait it gets even better as at the last moment he decided to check my prostrate and now I could feel even more violated.........
The nurse walked me back to the change room, handing me a prescription for an antibiotic related to the procedure, and explained I might feel a little discomfort over the next 24-48 hours urinating. Well she was fucking right with that last statement as it feels like I'm trying to pass a string of barbed wire.
I met the doctor in the conference room where he drew me a diagram of my kidneys, tubes, and bladder, explaining the inter-connectivity of everything. He said that normally they'd have scraped the tumor off my bladder wall and had it sent to pathology to determine if it is benign or malignant but because of my age he wanted to get a CT scan done of my kidneys and bladder and that doing anything to my bladder right now might distort the readings so he was going to wait till the CT scan was completed.
He said that there is no way to know the status of the tumor without doing the pathology but that because it was caught so early he was confident we could treat it and I'll make a full recovery, though he did temper that by saying nothing was 100% certain.
He told me that no matter what the CT scan reveals that I will be having surgery to remove the tumor and then be on medicine to help combat any recurrences. The surgery should be a day procedure but it could entail an overnight stay depending on how things turn out. The last part is a bit of a blur as all I could do is think about my kids and Baby Jack - I'm nowhere near ready to give up on seeing them grow up and told the doctor that whatever it takes to make sure I'm around I'm 100% behind.
I explained about my daughter getting married and asked if the surgery could wait until after we return from Mexico and he said that barring anything drastic showing up on the CT scan he would make sure it wasn't scheduled until after the 21st and told me to enjoy me to enjoy the moments as they come.
I drove home and poured myself a very stiff drink and just sat there and let the tears come.
My poor dog had no clue what was going on so she curled up in my lap and laid her head on my stomach and looked up at me with her puppy dog eyes, which of course touched off more tears from me.
After a little while I called my ex and broke the news to her as it does impact her through the kids. She was really quiet and I thought for a moment she had hung up before I heard her sigh and exclaim "Fuck Cancer! we're beating this"
We talked for a bit and she told me not to hesitate to ask for help as I'm not in this alone.
I told her that I'm still not going to tell the kids till after we get back from Mexico and still might put it off until after I have the surgery and know the results of the pathology. She said it's my call but I should expect some anger from them when they do find out that I held off telling them but she completely agrees with my decision as both of them would be far too worried about me than to think about the wedding or university.
The good thing is that I know my daughter will have a strong shoulder to lean on when the news does come out and my son will do his best to make me laugh and entertain me with tonnes of soccer trivia.
Last night was pretty fucking awful as my mood swung back and forth from thinking the worst to hoping for the best, mixed in with anger and tears, way more than I thought possible. I didn't give into the anger and am glad to say there are no holes in any of the walls or doors.
I woke up this morning feeling really nothing inside, mostly just burned at both ends, but have been making myself clean up the Xmas decorations and take down the tree, not because of yesterday as it was always my plan to clean up today but now it's serving to help keep me busy.
So while I had sort of put things on hold pending yesterday it seems like I've got to continue with that approach as changing jobs would be stupid given my awesome insurance coverage and dating would be unfair as my mind is so not going to be into meeting anyone let alone open to talking about life.
My name is Marcus and all I've got to say is I have a new motto and it's "FUCK CANCER!!!!
I debated if a musical suggestion was in order today and my new motto sort of led me to this one "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
Christmas 2017
Friday, December 29/17
So first things first, I hope every one had a great Christmas, that Santa spoiled you, and the time spent with family and friends brought you peace and tranquility.
My own was pretty good as it started out with the 9 pm Christmas Eve Mass at St. Patrick's in Fallowfield. The original plan was to do the midnight mass but both my son and I came to the conclusion that neither of us would probably last that long so we adjusted things lol
Christmas day itself was perfect as my daughter, her fiance, and my most amazing grandson Baby Jack hit my place for 8:30 am and the mayhem commenced right away. Baby Jack is at that stage where he wants to walk all the time and squeal with delight, except when he see's his uncle and than he has to be carried around by my son. The sight is something that makes anyone watching break into a huge smile. The love those two have for one another makes my heart grow 2 sizes bigger, to steal a line from the master wordsmith himself, Dr. Seuss.
Baby Jack was more interested in the ornaments on the tree and climbing the stairs than he was in his presents. Moki was more interested in Baby Jack than she was in her own present, a new stuffed toy that she can baby at first and eventually tear apart lol
My daughter got me some stuff for Mexico in the form or a new golf shirt and some books for the flight, my son got me a new Carleton University pullover that is perfect for wearing to work, and Baby Jack gave me hugs and kisses whenever I caught him heading for the stairs, thinking these would distract me from getting mad at him, little bugger seems to understand his grandpa way too well and my future son-in-law laughed each time and just told me I was in trouble.
After the kids left I tidied up before heading over to my daughters for the family dinner. This included my ex, her partner, my former mother-in-law, former sister-in-law, and my nephew.
Big hugs all around and my mother-in-law baked me my own sugar pie to take home. She always knows just how to make me smile and I'm so glad my relationship with her is a good one, hell I'm on good terms with all of my ex's family and still consider them my family.
Dinner was turkey, mashed potatoes, and veggies. Perfect meal to end a perfect day.
I ended my day with a glass of Pinot Grigio sitting on the couch at home with Moki snuggled up next to me as we watched the snow falling outside the front window, glistening in the light every now and than, and wished my mom a happy birthday and knew she was smiling down at me with the joy of the holiday season and love for her son, grandchildren, and first great grandchild.
My name is Marcus and my goal was to make the most of this holiday as the future isn't as clear as it was just a few months ago. I'm glad to say mission accomplished as it was one of the best ever.
Today's musical suggestion is one of my favourite from Trans Siberian Orchestra "Carol of the Bells"
Here is the link to a kind of cool video put up by TSO for "Carol Of The Bells" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9wD5qnq_eo
So first things first, I hope every one had a great Christmas, that Santa spoiled you, and the time spent with family and friends brought you peace and tranquility.
My own was pretty good as it started out with the 9 pm Christmas Eve Mass at St. Patrick's in Fallowfield. The original plan was to do the midnight mass but both my son and I came to the conclusion that neither of us would probably last that long so we adjusted things lol
Christmas day itself was perfect as my daughter, her fiance, and my most amazing grandson Baby Jack hit my place for 8:30 am and the mayhem commenced right away. Baby Jack is at that stage where he wants to walk all the time and squeal with delight, except when he see's his uncle and than he has to be carried around by my son. The sight is something that makes anyone watching break into a huge smile. The love those two have for one another makes my heart grow 2 sizes bigger, to steal a line from the master wordsmith himself, Dr. Seuss.
Baby Jack was more interested in the ornaments on the tree and climbing the stairs than he was in his presents. Moki was more interested in Baby Jack than she was in her own present, a new stuffed toy that she can baby at first and eventually tear apart lol
My daughter got me some stuff for Mexico in the form or a new golf shirt and some books for the flight, my son got me a new Carleton University pullover that is perfect for wearing to work, and Baby Jack gave me hugs and kisses whenever I caught him heading for the stairs, thinking these would distract me from getting mad at him, little bugger seems to understand his grandpa way too well and my future son-in-law laughed each time and just told me I was in trouble.
After the kids left I tidied up before heading over to my daughters for the family dinner. This included my ex, her partner, my former mother-in-law, former sister-in-law, and my nephew.
Big hugs all around and my mother-in-law baked me my own sugar pie to take home. She always knows just how to make me smile and I'm so glad my relationship with her is a good one, hell I'm on good terms with all of my ex's family and still consider them my family.
Dinner was turkey, mashed potatoes, and veggies. Perfect meal to end a perfect day.
I ended my day with a glass of Pinot Grigio sitting on the couch at home with Moki snuggled up next to me as we watched the snow falling outside the front window, glistening in the light every now and than, and wished my mom a happy birthday and knew she was smiling down at me with the joy of the holiday season and love for her son, grandchildren, and first great grandchild.
My name is Marcus and my goal was to make the most of this holiday as the future isn't as clear as it was just a few months ago. I'm glad to say mission accomplished as it was one of the best ever.
Today's musical suggestion is one of my favourite from Trans Siberian Orchestra "Carol of the Bells"
Here is the link to a kind of cool video put up by TSO for "Carol Of The Bells" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9wD5qnq_eo
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's!!!!!
Sunday, December 24/17
I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and the Happiest of Holiday's.
Hopefully you are surrounded by family and friends, sharing the joys that this season brings, putting aside the daily grind and able to enjoy time with those close to you.
My son is over for the night and we'll be attending midnight mass at St. Patrick's as we've done each Christmas Eve he has been with me for the last several years.
My daughter, future son-in-law, and Baby Jack will be coming over bright and early to open gifts and have a hearty breakfast before heading back to her place for the same festivities with her mom and grandmother.
I used to dread this time of year for a variety of reasons as the short dark days play havoc with my emotions and the fact that tomorrow is my mom's birthday always left me feeling a bit empty inside.
That changed a few years ago and I've been able to really enjoy the season more and more each year, especially last year with the arrival of Baby Jack. The little man is now walking and tomorrow should be so much fun watching his reaction to opening presents and sharing smiles, laughs, and some teary moments.
I've had some down moments this week preparing for this Christmas as that cloud of uncertainty continues to hang over my head and will be there until Thursday at the least. I've had some issues with sleeping so when it hits I've been using those times to write some notes to my children and Baby Jack just so they know how much they are loved.
Not telling them what is going on has been the easiest decision I've had to make in a long time and also the hardest as it goes against everything I've tried to teach them about being open and sharing what is happening in our lives. How does that saying go....Do as I say, not as I do......Mea Culpa
I'm working on a year in review blog entry and hope to have it posted before the 31st as well as couple of others I had started before the proverbial crap it the fan a few weeks back.
Regardless of how things are going, I wish each of you peace and joy this holiday season and all the ones to come.
My name is Marcus and my Xmas wish list is pretty simple......positive results on Thursday and bumping into the imperfectly perfect one for me...........it's that time of year so anything is possible
I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and the Happiest of Holiday's.
Hopefully you are surrounded by family and friends, sharing the joys that this season brings, putting aside the daily grind and able to enjoy time with those close to you.
My son is over for the night and we'll be attending midnight mass at St. Patrick's as we've done each Christmas Eve he has been with me for the last several years.
My daughter, future son-in-law, and Baby Jack will be coming over bright and early to open gifts and have a hearty breakfast before heading back to her place for the same festivities with her mom and grandmother.
I used to dread this time of year for a variety of reasons as the short dark days play havoc with my emotions and the fact that tomorrow is my mom's birthday always left me feeling a bit empty inside.
That changed a few years ago and I've been able to really enjoy the season more and more each year, especially last year with the arrival of Baby Jack. The little man is now walking and tomorrow should be so much fun watching his reaction to opening presents and sharing smiles, laughs, and some teary moments.
I've had some down moments this week preparing for this Christmas as that cloud of uncertainty continues to hang over my head and will be there until Thursday at the least. I've had some issues with sleeping so when it hits I've been using those times to write some notes to my children and Baby Jack just so they know how much they are loved.
Not telling them what is going on has been the easiest decision I've had to make in a long time and also the hardest as it goes against everything I've tried to teach them about being open and sharing what is happening in our lives. How does that saying go....Do as I say, not as I do......Mea Culpa
I'm working on a year in review blog entry and hope to have it posted before the 31st as well as couple of others I had started before the proverbial crap it the fan a few weeks back.
Regardless of how things are going, I wish each of you peace and joy this holiday season and all the ones to come.
My name is Marcus and my Xmas wish list is pretty simple......positive results on Thursday and bumping into the imperfectly perfect one for me...........it's that time of year so anything is possible
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Thank You
Sunday, December 10/17
I would like to take a moment to express my thanks for all the messages I've received and encouragement sent my way.
All of the entries I post to this blog are only meant to get you the reader to pause for a moment, asking yourself if any of that particular blog resonates, and hopefully help you see something in a new light.
Along the way I get to express my feelings and experience a form of therapy, not a replacement for the real thing but rather a booster shot if you will.
The past week has been a bit hazy as my mind has wandered all over the place but a couple of things happened on Thursday that are helping me put things into perspective and make some progress.
The first came with the call for my visit to the specialist. It's happening between Christmas and the New Year so at least I've got that one off my plate. But with every good news comes the possibility of some bad news and I think that also came about with that call. Seems I'm not just seeing the specialist to discuss the ultrasound findings but actually having an exploratory procedure done at that time.
Not the most thrilling of calls but I should have some clarity of where things stand before heading down to Mexico for my daughters wedding in January. Based on the decision to do the procedure I'm going to go out on a limb and hypothesize that we have eliminated the minor infection angle and are now looking at possible polyps or cancer, yes I'm willing to use the c word here and I'm actually psyching myself up to battle the bitch head on if that's what it comes too.
The second came celebrating my grandson's 1st birthday with only the family on Thursday night. Watching him with everyone made me realize that even though life can sometimes throw us a curve ball that there is so much I can be thankful for. I've been loved in my life, been in love, have 2 amazing kids who make me smile every single day, and now a wonderful little grandson who truly is the light of my life, able to make me cry with nothing more than a smile sent my way.
There is a song that has been embraced by the Liverpool Football Club that says "You'll Never Walk Alone" and I know that come what may that I'll never be alone as family, friends, and my faith will always be there for me.
I was going to put the blog on hold until after the holiday's but given the uncertainty going on in my life at the moment figure continuing to blog would be one of the best things I can do, so having said I'll keep doing this for however long I can or the mood strikes me.
My name is Marcus and I'm still looking for someone to trade me some limes in exchange for the lemons life has given me.........what would life be like without a sense of humour, don't have a clue and not willing to find out just quite yet.
Today's musical suggestion is "Winter Song" by Ali & Theo. Kind of sad but I love the instrumentals supporting the lyrics. Here is the YouTube link for those interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRu2qbF66Jk
I would like to take a moment to express my thanks for all the messages I've received and encouragement sent my way.
All of the entries I post to this blog are only meant to get you the reader to pause for a moment, asking yourself if any of that particular blog resonates, and hopefully help you see something in a new light.
Along the way I get to express my feelings and experience a form of therapy, not a replacement for the real thing but rather a booster shot if you will.
The past week has been a bit hazy as my mind has wandered all over the place but a couple of things happened on Thursday that are helping me put things into perspective and make some progress.
The first came with the call for my visit to the specialist. It's happening between Christmas and the New Year so at least I've got that one off my plate. But with every good news comes the possibility of some bad news and I think that also came about with that call. Seems I'm not just seeing the specialist to discuss the ultrasound findings but actually having an exploratory procedure done at that time.
Not the most thrilling of calls but I should have some clarity of where things stand before heading down to Mexico for my daughters wedding in January. Based on the decision to do the procedure I'm going to go out on a limb and hypothesize that we have eliminated the minor infection angle and are now looking at possible polyps or cancer, yes I'm willing to use the c word here and I'm actually psyching myself up to battle the bitch head on if that's what it comes too.
The second came celebrating my grandson's 1st birthday with only the family on Thursday night. Watching him with everyone made me realize that even though life can sometimes throw us a curve ball that there is so much I can be thankful for. I've been loved in my life, been in love, have 2 amazing kids who make me smile every single day, and now a wonderful little grandson who truly is the light of my life, able to make me cry with nothing more than a smile sent my way.
There is a song that has been embraced by the Liverpool Football Club that says "You'll Never Walk Alone" and I know that come what may that I'll never be alone as family, friends, and my faith will always be there for me.
I was going to put the blog on hold until after the holiday's but given the uncertainty going on in my life at the moment figure continuing to blog would be one of the best things I can do, so having said I'll keep doing this for however long I can or the mood strikes me.
My name is Marcus and I'm still looking for someone to trade me some limes in exchange for the lemons life has given me.........what would life be like without a sense of humour, don't have a clue and not willing to find out just quite yet.
Today's musical suggestion is "Winter Song" by Ali & Theo. Kind of sad but I love the instrumentals supporting the lyrics. Here is the YouTube link for those interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRu2qbF66Jk
Sunday, December 3, 2017
In a Holding Pattern
Sunday, December 03/17
Have you ever had one of those weeks where things just seem to happen and have you wondering when the next body blow is coming?
Well that has been my week and I have to admit the last few days have been one fucking emotional roller coaster as I digest things and try and determine just what the hell my options are when the dust settles.
Because I've been battling high blood pressure the last few years I tend to get blood and other tests done every six months. Nothing unusual in that and they've always come back fairly routine and help my family physician fine tune the dosage of my medications, the last few times my BP has been doing really great, think along the lines of normal 120/80 type readings.
The one hiccup, and you knew there had to be one if I was writing a blog entry, was the trace amounts of blood in my urine. The first time it happened it was nothing to get too concerned about and a note was made to see what happened with my next test results, odds are it being a slight infection that would heal naturally over time.
Well the next test results came back a week and a half ago and still showed blood but now it was a bit higher. Could still be an infection but my doctor is careful if she is nothing else and she ordered up an ultrasound to just be on the safe side, a procedure that takes about 25-35 minutes.
I had my ultrasound last Monday and when we hit the hour mark knew things weren't as good as I was hoping. Of course the technician couldn't say anything but sometimes they don't have to say a word to convey a message. She told me the urologist would review the test and my doctor would get the results Thursday at the earliest and more likely not until this coming week.
My doctor called me on Wednesday to tell me there was some spots on the ultrasound and I was getting a referral to see a specialist. So much for not hearing from anyone until this week.
Being the person I am I did some research and was pretty much gob smacked with what it all might mean. Could still be an infection, could also be polyps, and could also be the big C.
Here is where life gets interesting, well that is one way of putting it, the maternal side of my family is riddled with the big C and that bastard has managed to take a few ancestors for a ride. So as you can imagine I'm feeling a bit freaked out right now.
I'm waiting to hear from the specialist about the next steps and the rather invasive procedure they need to perform to even tell me what the hell it all means, all the while doing my best to show nothing but a calm exterior.
This is where being single really sucks big time, not that this is something I'd want to put anyone one through but it would be nice to have someone to talk to about it and give me a lift to and from the procedure.
I had to talk to my ex about it as it impacts her through the kids and I'll say she was just as supportive as I thought she would be and as I would be for her. I let her know that until I have some definitive answers I'm keeping this from the kids, my daughter would lose her mind and want to cancel her wedding and my son would be just as devastated and trying to deal with this and university would overwhelm him.
Than there is baby Jack.................
I can't even begin to express how much love I have for that little guy, how watching him grow up from the little lump in a blanket to the walking, waving, and smiling little boy he is today makes me feel so alive inside.
We had his first birthday party yesterday and it was almost as if he sensed something is up as he wouldn't let me out of his sight, constantly walking over to me and reaching up for me to lift him up and give him kisses, much more than to anyone else and my daughter was giving me some looks like as if to ask what's up. I just smiled and said it was a phase with him.
I managed a few moments alone with my ex post party as we cleaned up the kitchen and told her I was revising my will since baby Jack was now part of the picture, asking if she would be the executor of my estate since the one named in my current version passed away a year ago. She told me she would but that I didn't need to do those things yet, maybe she is right but I'd rather start getting things together now than put them off and leave people having to deal with a mess.
I think she might have talked about it with her partner, which is her right and something I'm a tad jealous of if I'm honest, as he came up to me while I was standing on the deck getting some fresh air and reminded me that we are golfing while in Mexico and he wasn't going to hear anything about me thinking about not playing. He's a bigger introvert than I am so for him to say that is a pretty nice gesture, I've always appreciated that he understands I'm the father to his partners children and never once overstepped his boundaries but has still always been there for them when needed. I couldn't ask for anything more from my ex's partner.
Normally I'd be so optimistic about this but given my family history it is kind of hard to feel that way at the moment.
I'm not writing this entry to get anyone to feel bad for me or offer up sympathy. People all around the world deal with these kinds of things and nothing makes my situation stand out more than anyone else's. No, I'm blogging about it so that people are aware that following up on tests and paying attention to the warning signs can help increase the odds of beating the problem.
Because of my regular testing related to my high blood pressure it sounds like this was discovered at the early stages and makes it very treatable, odds are I'm going to come out of this fine, so please take that as my public service announcement to get tested when you should and be proactive.
My life is sort of in a holding pattern for the moment while I wait, which makes doing things in the future sort of difficult, like having to work around a wedding taking place next month that I'm not missing for anything in the world. I've got a lot to still do in life and am going to do everything in my power to make sure I'm around to do them. Watch my daughter get married, continue supporting my son at university, and not just financially lol, and watch my grandson develop into a man in his own right. Maybe I'll also get the opportunity to meet the one imperfectly perfect woman for me :)
My name is Marcus and life has thrown me some lemon's.........I'm looking to trade them for some limes to go with my cerveza's on the beach or rum and coke with dinner while in Mexico.
Today's musical suggestion is "Caught Me Thinkin" by The Bahamas
Have you ever had one of those weeks where things just seem to happen and have you wondering when the next body blow is coming?
Well that has been my week and I have to admit the last few days have been one fucking emotional roller coaster as I digest things and try and determine just what the hell my options are when the dust settles.
Because I've been battling high blood pressure the last few years I tend to get blood and other tests done every six months. Nothing unusual in that and they've always come back fairly routine and help my family physician fine tune the dosage of my medications, the last few times my BP has been doing really great, think along the lines of normal 120/80 type readings.
The one hiccup, and you knew there had to be one if I was writing a blog entry, was the trace amounts of blood in my urine. The first time it happened it was nothing to get too concerned about and a note was made to see what happened with my next test results, odds are it being a slight infection that would heal naturally over time.
Well the next test results came back a week and a half ago and still showed blood but now it was a bit higher. Could still be an infection but my doctor is careful if she is nothing else and she ordered up an ultrasound to just be on the safe side, a procedure that takes about 25-35 minutes.
I had my ultrasound last Monday and when we hit the hour mark knew things weren't as good as I was hoping. Of course the technician couldn't say anything but sometimes they don't have to say a word to convey a message. She told me the urologist would review the test and my doctor would get the results Thursday at the earliest and more likely not until this coming week.
My doctor called me on Wednesday to tell me there was some spots on the ultrasound and I was getting a referral to see a specialist. So much for not hearing from anyone until this week.
Being the person I am I did some research and was pretty much gob smacked with what it all might mean. Could still be an infection, could also be polyps, and could also be the big C.
Here is where life gets interesting, well that is one way of putting it, the maternal side of my family is riddled with the big C and that bastard has managed to take a few ancestors for a ride. So as you can imagine I'm feeling a bit freaked out right now.
I'm waiting to hear from the specialist about the next steps and the rather invasive procedure they need to perform to even tell me what the hell it all means, all the while doing my best to show nothing but a calm exterior.
This is where being single really sucks big time, not that this is something I'd want to put anyone one through but it would be nice to have someone to talk to about it and give me a lift to and from the procedure.
I had to talk to my ex about it as it impacts her through the kids and I'll say she was just as supportive as I thought she would be and as I would be for her. I let her know that until I have some definitive answers I'm keeping this from the kids, my daughter would lose her mind and want to cancel her wedding and my son would be just as devastated and trying to deal with this and university would overwhelm him.
Than there is baby Jack.................
I can't even begin to express how much love I have for that little guy, how watching him grow up from the little lump in a blanket to the walking, waving, and smiling little boy he is today makes me feel so alive inside.
We had his first birthday party yesterday and it was almost as if he sensed something is up as he wouldn't let me out of his sight, constantly walking over to me and reaching up for me to lift him up and give him kisses, much more than to anyone else and my daughter was giving me some looks like as if to ask what's up. I just smiled and said it was a phase with him.
I managed a few moments alone with my ex post party as we cleaned up the kitchen and told her I was revising my will since baby Jack was now part of the picture, asking if she would be the executor of my estate since the one named in my current version passed away a year ago. She told me she would but that I didn't need to do those things yet, maybe she is right but I'd rather start getting things together now than put them off and leave people having to deal with a mess.
I think she might have talked about it with her partner, which is her right and something I'm a tad jealous of if I'm honest, as he came up to me while I was standing on the deck getting some fresh air and reminded me that we are golfing while in Mexico and he wasn't going to hear anything about me thinking about not playing. He's a bigger introvert than I am so for him to say that is a pretty nice gesture, I've always appreciated that he understands I'm the father to his partners children and never once overstepped his boundaries but has still always been there for them when needed. I couldn't ask for anything more from my ex's partner.
Normally I'd be so optimistic about this but given my family history it is kind of hard to feel that way at the moment.
I'm not writing this entry to get anyone to feel bad for me or offer up sympathy. People all around the world deal with these kinds of things and nothing makes my situation stand out more than anyone else's. No, I'm blogging about it so that people are aware that following up on tests and paying attention to the warning signs can help increase the odds of beating the problem.
Because of my regular testing related to my high blood pressure it sounds like this was discovered at the early stages and makes it very treatable, odds are I'm going to come out of this fine, so please take that as my public service announcement to get tested when you should and be proactive.
My life is sort of in a holding pattern for the moment while I wait, which makes doing things in the future sort of difficult, like having to work around a wedding taking place next month that I'm not missing for anything in the world. I've got a lot to still do in life and am going to do everything in my power to make sure I'm around to do them. Watch my daughter get married, continue supporting my son at university, and not just financially lol, and watch my grandson develop into a man in his own right. Maybe I'll also get the opportunity to meet the one imperfectly perfect woman for me :)
My name is Marcus and life has thrown me some lemon's.........I'm looking to trade them for some limes to go with my cerveza's on the beach or rum and coke with dinner while in Mexico.
Today's musical suggestion is "Caught Me Thinkin" by The Bahamas
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