In a Holding Pattern

Sunday, December 03/17

Have you ever had one of those weeks where things just seem to happen and have you wondering when the next body blow is coming?

Well that has been my week and I have to admit the last few days have been one fucking emotional roller coaster as I digest things and try and determine just what the hell my options are when the dust settles.

Because I've been battling high blood pressure the last few years I tend to get blood and other tests done every six months. Nothing unusual in that and they've always come back fairly routine and help my family physician fine tune the dosage of my medications, the last few times my BP has been doing really great, think along the lines of normal 120/80 type readings.

The one hiccup, and you knew there had to be one if I was writing a blog entry, was the trace amounts of blood in my urine. The first time it happened it was nothing to get too concerned about and a note was made to see what happened with my next test results, odds are it being a slight infection that would heal naturally over time.

Well the next test results came back a week and a half ago and still showed blood but now it was a bit higher. Could still be an infection but my doctor is careful if she is nothing else and she ordered up an ultrasound to just be on the safe side, a procedure that takes about 25-35 minutes.

I had my ultrasound last Monday and when we hit the hour mark knew things weren't as good as I was hoping. Of course the technician couldn't say anything but sometimes they don't have to say a word to convey a message. She told me the urologist would review the test and my doctor would get the results Thursday at the earliest and more likely not until this coming week.

My doctor called me on Wednesday to tell me there was some spots on the ultrasound and I was getting a referral to see a specialist.  So much for not hearing from anyone until this week.

Being the person I am I did some research and was pretty much gob smacked with what it all might mean. Could still be an infection, could also be polyps, and could also be the big C.

Here is where life gets interesting, well that is one way of putting it, the maternal side of my family is riddled with the big C and that bastard has managed to take a few ancestors for a ride. So as you can imagine I'm feeling a bit freaked out right now.

I'm waiting to hear from the specialist about the next steps and the rather invasive procedure they need to perform to even tell me what the hell it all means, all the while doing my best to show nothing but a calm exterior.

This is where being single really sucks big time, not that this is something I'd want to put anyone one through but it would be nice to have someone to talk to about it and give me a lift to and from the procedure.

I had to talk to my ex about it as it impacts her through the kids and I'll say she was just as supportive as I thought she would be and as I would be for her. I let her know that until I have some definitive answers I'm keeping this from the kids, my daughter would lose her mind and want to cancel her wedding and my son would be just as devastated and trying to deal with this and university would overwhelm him.

Than there is baby Jack.................

I can't even begin to express how much love I have for that little guy, how watching him grow up from the little lump in a blanket to the walking, waving, and smiling little boy he is today makes me feel so alive inside.

We had his first birthday party yesterday and it was almost as if he sensed something is up as he wouldn't let me out of his sight, constantly walking over to me and reaching up for me to lift him up and give him kisses, much more than to anyone else and my daughter was giving me some looks like as if to ask what's up. I just smiled and said it was a phase with him.

I managed a few moments alone with my ex post party as we cleaned up the kitchen and told her I was revising my will since baby Jack was now part of the picture, asking if she would be the executor of my estate since the one named in my current version passed away a year ago. She told me she would but that I didn't need to do those things yet, maybe she is right but I'd rather start getting things together now than put them off and leave people having to deal with a mess.

I think she might have talked about it with her partner, which is her right and something I'm a tad jealous of if I'm honest, as he came up to me while I was standing on the deck getting some fresh air and reminded me that we are golfing while in Mexico and he wasn't going to hear anything about me thinking about not playing. He's a bigger introvert than I am so for him to say that is a pretty nice gesture, I've always appreciated that he understands I'm the father to his partners children and never once overstepped his boundaries but has still always been there for them when needed. I couldn't ask for anything more from my ex's partner.

Normally I'd be so optimistic about this but given my family history it is kind of hard to feel that way at the moment.

I'm not writing this entry to get anyone to feel bad for me or offer up sympathy. People all around the world deal with these kinds of things and nothing makes my situation stand out more than anyone else's. No, I'm blogging about it so that people are aware that following up on tests and paying attention to the warning signs can help increase the odds of beating the problem.

Because of my regular testing related to my high blood pressure it sounds like this was discovered at the early stages and makes it very treatable, odds are I'm going to come out of this fine, so please take that as my public service announcement to get tested when you should and be proactive.

My life is sort of in a holding pattern for the moment while I wait, which makes doing things in the future sort of difficult, like having to work around a wedding taking place next month that I'm not missing for anything in the world. I've got a lot to still do in life and am going to do everything in my power to make sure I'm around to do them. Watch my daughter get married, continue supporting my son at university, and not just financially lol, and watch my grandson develop into a man in his own right. Maybe I'll also get the opportunity to meet the one imperfectly perfect woman for me :)

My name is Marcus and life has thrown me some lemon's.........I'm looking to trade them for some limes to go with my cerveza's on the beach or rum and coke with dinner while in Mexico.

Today's musical suggestion is "Caught Me Thinkin" by The Bahamas