Wednesday, June 28/17
So the two most important males in my life will have both had major milestones this week and I couldn't be happier for them if I tried.
Sunday was baby Jack's baptism and he was so adorable. His mom had him dressed up in a cute outfit that included suspenders and a bow tie. Now I admit that I'm probably a tad bit biased but my grandson totally rocks a bow tie, doesn't hurt that he already knows how to flash a smirky smile, I'm thinking there are many hearts to be broken by that lad before not very long.
One cool fact that my son is actually is nephew's Godfather. Don't think I've ever seen my son smile so much as when he was holding his nephew, there is a real bond there and it's only going to get stronger as baby Jack grows and realizes his uncle will always be there for him and have his back no matter what.
I took lots of pictures and have been sharing them with friends and family but will continue to practice my policy of not posting information or images of my family in order to let them remain private, sorry but there won't be any changes in my approach to that aspect of my life.
Now the second event will occur tomorrow when my son graduates high school and moves onto the next phase of his life - university!!!
As good as I like to think I am with words I can honestly say that there is no way I can even begin to describe the pride and pleasure I feel right now just writing about it let alone the emotions that will course through me tomorrow as I sit there and watch him walk across the stage to receive his hard earned diploma.
I'm booked off tomorrow and as I was leaving work today everyone was wishing me well and telling me to pass on congratulations to my son, as well as to enjoy the moment, and my boss told me not to cry too much, making me laugh and say no promises as I know there will be a few tears as my youngest makes the walk.
This is the second time I'll be sitting in the audience watching one of my kids and it won't happen again for another eighteen years until my grandson makes the same walk himself, and walk it he will if the comments I've heard from my daughter and her fiance.
When I was in my thirties I used to wonder what being middle aged offered me and now I know all too well, more joy than I ever imagined as I get to watch my kids and grandson reach milestones and pass through the various phases of life.
As they do it offers me the chance to relive some of those same moments myself. First year university was exciting and scary at the same time, something I'll be able to relate to with my son, Raising a child as my daughter is now doing brings back some rich memories, times I was almost pissing myself with doubt if I could even get through a day alone with my daughter and than my son when he came along without something happening that I couldn't handle.
Life brings us many challenges but I honestly don't think any are presented that we can't really meet head on if we just put our minds to it and try our hardest.
My name is Marcus and I cried a little on Sunday when my grandson was baptized and I'm going to do so again tomorrow when my son raises his diploma above his head and makes eye contact with his mother and I in the audience.
I didn't really think of a musical suggestion for today's blog as I'm not sure one song could cover off both of these events but than it dawned on me the song just has to reflect my mood and it is a pretty damn good one right now so lets go with Hard Times by Paramore.....has a great beat and just makes me want to dance around whenever I hear it :)
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Thursday, June 22, 2017
It's been a strange 7-10 days in my world
Thursday, June 22/17
So I can say with all honesty that the last 7 to 10 days have been a bit trying for a number of reasons, both good and bad.
It started with my central air pretty much giving up the ghost back on June 10th, just in time for the weather to turn hot. Temps in my house were hitting close to 88 on the main level and that meant that I was pretty much living in the man cave as it was quite a bit cooler down there as well as leaving Moki down in the laundry room in order to protect her from the heat while I was at work. Now before anyone gets upset at the thought of the wonder puppy in the laundry room while I was gone let me assure you it wasn't all that bad as I had her big pillow set up, lots of food, water, tonnes of her toys, and left the radio on for her as well as positioning her crate so it blocked the door and let her see out into the man cave and some natural light. I don't like having her down there but the alternative was to risk her health with the extreme heat and that wasn't something I was even going to contemplate.
This was followed up with the information about the ceremony for C's position and the endless advice I received from friends and family on what I should do with this information. The majority was to go up and watch the ceremony and maybe see if the connection could somehow be rekindled, with the minority just telling me to let sleeping dogs lay. I was torn and didn't make my final decision until the drive to my daughters place to celebrate Father's Day. Now my daughter wasn't aware of the situation until her brother opened that can of worms for me by telling her "Guess what dad is thinking of doing tomorrow?" as she opened the door for us........
As he told her what was going on the look in her eyes was enough to tell me it was time to cut those strings once and for all and the decision was easily made to stay away. I'd pretty much made that call before this little impromptu discussion as my going up would have only been for myself and not benefited C in the least. I remember something she told me when she made the move up the valley to take on the position back in 2015, that the ceremony was more for the person giving up the position than the person taking it on, that means it was about her and her getting to celebrate the last two years honing her skills doing what she has spent her entire career trying to achieve, and it was not in me to even bring a small bit of doubt to her day. I'm pretty sure I could have been very unobtrusive and remained in the background but it would have taken only a glimpse to possibly make something so special just a tad bit less special for her and that is something I would never knowingly do.
I had already booked off the week of the 19th as my son has his final exams that week and I wanted to be around to offer him support and encouragement as he has tended to get really stressed during this week, more often than not unnecessarily as he puts too much pressure on himself.
So Monday instead of driving up the valley I drove down to Smith Falls to play a course ranked in the top 50 in Canada in an attempt to keep my mind occupied. For the most part it worked and I played one of my best rounds of the year but it didn't happen without one hiccup.
It seems that when I was pulling some tees and the divot repair tool C gave me on the first tee box that I somehow knocked the ball maker off of it and didn't find this out till I went to mark my ball on the first green. I was pretty upset and viewed this as some form of karma for not going up to see what was happening at the ceremony. I got myself settled and I think just let everything I was feeling out on the drive I launched on the 11th hole as the two guys I was playing with just watched the ball and than looked at me and asked what or who the hell was I so mad at as I think the ball literally exploded off my driver and ended up about 325 yards away dead straight now the middle of the fairway of a long par 5....by far the longest drive I've ever managed playing this game over the last 25 plus years and it seemed to be what I needed as I seemed to calm down after that and felt the most at ease that I have over the last week or so. Golf really is my zen and I need to remember that going forward when things aren't going like I would hope.
Tuesday was all about getting the new A/C installed. Turned out to be an all day process and let me spend a lot of time catching up on some reading. By 6 pm my place was bearable and everyone got a good nights sleep.
Wednesday was his first exam and while he was sitting for it I met my daughter at a local gymnastics spot and got to spend sometime with my most awesome grandson. I had shaved and trimmed my goatee as I think it was confusing him as he'd been crying the last few times he saw me leaving me feeling a bit sad but the new look seems to do the trick as he was very chatty and full of smiles as we goofed around on a trampoline. We hit Costco after wards to stock up on some supplies as this Sunday is his baptism and there is going to be a large party once it's over. I also got in another round of golf and still managed to BBQ some steaks for dinner as my son moved onto studying for today's data management exam.
Now today started off on a very weird note as I awoke @ 6:30 to see the following text on my cell that seemed to come in around 1 this morning while I slept "Hey, Why didn't it work out? What did you do?"
Nothing too strange about the text itself as it could cover any number of stupid things I've done over the last year or so but for the fact that it showed as coming from a number and not someone actually in my contacts. You can imagine the thoughts that went through my mind as I lay there in bed wondering who sent me the text.
I replied with "Who is this?" and got a response back around 9 saying "Sorry, wrong number"
I thought about it for a moment before sending "Are you sure? Those questions seem to be right up my alley given events in my life" and was rewarded with "Pretty sure, nobody could fuck up as bad as my cousin did" and this got me to send "Again, not so sure as you've never met me lol"
As it turns out Ashley's cousin did manage to fuck up worse than I ever could by getting caught screwing his fiance's best friend one week before the big day. I feel bad for the bride to be but it's also nice to know that I'm not the only guy who has managed to fuck up a perfectly good relationship.
Seems I've also picked up a new friend in Ashley who has been texting me off and on all day. From dark clouds come forth silver linings.
So once my son was off to his exam I went and played some more golf before meeting my daughter at Chapters and buying some books for my grandson, hoping he is as into books as his grandfather and so looking forward to reading him some bedtime stories, especially on New Years Eve as I'm already lined up to babysit him while his mom goes to a friends wedding.
So my week off has been all about getting a new A/C, being there to help my son any way he needed while taking exams, getting to see my daughter and grandson, while dealing with the last vestiges of a failed relationship. With C's move to D.C. coming up it will also mean I won't have to worry about bumping into her in the west end, something that was in the back of my mind.
I ended my day with a viewing of one of my favourite movies, one that makes me optimistic that love might be out there waiting for me to open my eyes.......Love Actually
My name is Marcus and most times I'm in control but sometimes life gets to me and I doubt what my future holds relationship wise. Even as I experience these moments I try and be the best parent, friend, and golfer possible as I search for my one, the imperfectly perfect woman who will make me smile and feel butterflies once again :)
I had a different song in mind for today's musical suggestion but as I was writing this entry I was listening to some music videos on YouTube and came across this one.....Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield and think it pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment
So I can say with all honesty that the last 7 to 10 days have been a bit trying for a number of reasons, both good and bad.
It started with my central air pretty much giving up the ghost back on June 10th, just in time for the weather to turn hot. Temps in my house were hitting close to 88 on the main level and that meant that I was pretty much living in the man cave as it was quite a bit cooler down there as well as leaving Moki down in the laundry room in order to protect her from the heat while I was at work. Now before anyone gets upset at the thought of the wonder puppy in the laundry room while I was gone let me assure you it wasn't all that bad as I had her big pillow set up, lots of food, water, tonnes of her toys, and left the radio on for her as well as positioning her crate so it blocked the door and let her see out into the man cave and some natural light. I don't like having her down there but the alternative was to risk her health with the extreme heat and that wasn't something I was even going to contemplate.
This was followed up with the information about the ceremony for C's position and the endless advice I received from friends and family on what I should do with this information. The majority was to go up and watch the ceremony and maybe see if the connection could somehow be rekindled, with the minority just telling me to let sleeping dogs lay. I was torn and didn't make my final decision until the drive to my daughters place to celebrate Father's Day. Now my daughter wasn't aware of the situation until her brother opened that can of worms for me by telling her "Guess what dad is thinking of doing tomorrow?" as she opened the door for us........
As he told her what was going on the look in her eyes was enough to tell me it was time to cut those strings once and for all and the decision was easily made to stay away. I'd pretty much made that call before this little impromptu discussion as my going up would have only been for myself and not benefited C in the least. I remember something she told me when she made the move up the valley to take on the position back in 2015, that the ceremony was more for the person giving up the position than the person taking it on, that means it was about her and her getting to celebrate the last two years honing her skills doing what she has spent her entire career trying to achieve, and it was not in me to even bring a small bit of doubt to her day. I'm pretty sure I could have been very unobtrusive and remained in the background but it would have taken only a glimpse to possibly make something so special just a tad bit less special for her and that is something I would never knowingly do.
I had already booked off the week of the 19th as my son has his final exams that week and I wanted to be around to offer him support and encouragement as he has tended to get really stressed during this week, more often than not unnecessarily as he puts too much pressure on himself.
So Monday instead of driving up the valley I drove down to Smith Falls to play a course ranked in the top 50 in Canada in an attempt to keep my mind occupied. For the most part it worked and I played one of my best rounds of the year but it didn't happen without one hiccup.
It seems that when I was pulling some tees and the divot repair tool C gave me on the first tee box that I somehow knocked the ball maker off of it and didn't find this out till I went to mark my ball on the first green. I was pretty upset and viewed this as some form of karma for not going up to see what was happening at the ceremony. I got myself settled and I think just let everything I was feeling out on the drive I launched on the 11th hole as the two guys I was playing with just watched the ball and than looked at me and asked what or who the hell was I so mad at as I think the ball literally exploded off my driver and ended up about 325 yards away dead straight now the middle of the fairway of a long par 5....by far the longest drive I've ever managed playing this game over the last 25 plus years and it seemed to be what I needed as I seemed to calm down after that and felt the most at ease that I have over the last week or so. Golf really is my zen and I need to remember that going forward when things aren't going like I would hope.
Tuesday was all about getting the new A/C installed. Turned out to be an all day process and let me spend a lot of time catching up on some reading. By 6 pm my place was bearable and everyone got a good nights sleep.
Wednesday was his first exam and while he was sitting for it I met my daughter at a local gymnastics spot and got to spend sometime with my most awesome grandson. I had shaved and trimmed my goatee as I think it was confusing him as he'd been crying the last few times he saw me leaving me feeling a bit sad but the new look seems to do the trick as he was very chatty and full of smiles as we goofed around on a trampoline. We hit Costco after wards to stock up on some supplies as this Sunday is his baptism and there is going to be a large party once it's over. I also got in another round of golf and still managed to BBQ some steaks for dinner as my son moved onto studying for today's data management exam.
Now today started off on a very weird note as I awoke @ 6:30 to see the following text on my cell that seemed to come in around 1 this morning while I slept "Hey, Why didn't it work out? What did you do?"
Nothing too strange about the text itself as it could cover any number of stupid things I've done over the last year or so but for the fact that it showed as coming from a number and not someone actually in my contacts. You can imagine the thoughts that went through my mind as I lay there in bed wondering who sent me the text.
I replied with "Who is this?" and got a response back around 9 saying "Sorry, wrong number"
I thought about it for a moment before sending "Are you sure? Those questions seem to be right up my alley given events in my life" and was rewarded with "Pretty sure, nobody could fuck up as bad as my cousin did" and this got me to send "Again, not so sure as you've never met me lol"
As it turns out Ashley's cousin did manage to fuck up worse than I ever could by getting caught screwing his fiance's best friend one week before the big day. I feel bad for the bride to be but it's also nice to know that I'm not the only guy who has managed to fuck up a perfectly good relationship.
Seems I've also picked up a new friend in Ashley who has been texting me off and on all day. From dark clouds come forth silver linings.
So once my son was off to his exam I went and played some more golf before meeting my daughter at Chapters and buying some books for my grandson, hoping he is as into books as his grandfather and so looking forward to reading him some bedtime stories, especially on New Years Eve as I'm already lined up to babysit him while his mom goes to a friends wedding.
So my week off has been all about getting a new A/C, being there to help my son any way he needed while taking exams, getting to see my daughter and grandson, while dealing with the last vestiges of a failed relationship. With C's move to D.C. coming up it will also mean I won't have to worry about bumping into her in the west end, something that was in the back of my mind.
I ended my day with a viewing of one of my favourite movies, one that makes me optimistic that love might be out there waiting for me to open my eyes.......Love Actually
My name is Marcus and most times I'm in control but sometimes life gets to me and I doubt what my future holds relationship wise. Even as I experience these moments I try and be the best parent, friend, and golfer possible as I search for my one, the imperfectly perfect woman who will make me smile and feel butterflies once again :)
I had a different song in mind for today's musical suggestion but as I was writing this entry I was listening to some music videos on YouTube and came across this one.....Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield and think it pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Happy Father's Day
Sunday, June 18/17
I would like to wish all the dad's out there a Happy Father's Day!!!
This means all the dad's in traditional families with both a mom and dad, all the dad's in the new modern family that mean's two dads, all the single men who are raising their children on their own, all the mom's pulling double duty as both mom and dad, all the uncles and brothers stepping up to do the right thing......well pretty much anyone who is acting like a dad and making sure children are safe, sound, and feeling loved in this day and age.
I'll be having dinner with my kids later and get to see both my daughter and son as well as my adorable grandson so all is well with me today.
Practice a random act of kindness today and see how just awesome you feel when you bring a smile to someone you don't even know :)
Marcus
I would like to wish all the dad's out there a Happy Father's Day!!!
This means all the dad's in traditional families with both a mom and dad, all the dad's in the new modern family that mean's two dads, all the single men who are raising their children on their own, all the mom's pulling double duty as both mom and dad, all the uncles and brothers stepping up to do the right thing......well pretty much anyone who is acting like a dad and making sure children are safe, sound, and feeling loved in this day and age.
I'll be having dinner with my kids later and get to see both my daughter and son as well as my adorable grandson so all is well with me today.
Practice a random act of kindness today and see how just awesome you feel when you bring a smile to someone you don't even know :)
Marcus
Thursday, June 15, 2017
A Pain Deeply Felt
Thursday, June 15/17
Well I just did something I vowed I wouldn't and made the call to see when the ceremony was for C's current position and found out its Monday.
I asked if I sent a card would she still get it and was told they would make sure to forward it to her down in Washington D.C. at her new position.
Now I sit here at my desk at work feeling totally lost and with an empty feeling deep inside me.
Guessing that being ever the romantic optimist about things really isn't meant for me and this is one of those times I should have completely ignored Gary as following his goading has taken me from being blissfully unaware to in the know and hurting once again.
None of which is anyone's fault but my own.
I wish C nothing but happiness and hope she finds her one.
Marcus
Well I just did something I vowed I wouldn't and made the call to see when the ceremony was for C's current position and found out its Monday.
I asked if I sent a card would she still get it and was told they would make sure to forward it to her down in Washington D.C. at her new position.
Now I sit here at my desk at work feeling totally lost and with an empty feeling deep inside me.
Guessing that being ever the romantic optimist about things really isn't meant for me and this is one of those times I should have completely ignored Gary as following his goading has taken me from being blissfully unaware to in the know and hurting once again.
None of which is anyone's fault but my own.
I wish C nothing but happiness and hope she finds her one.
Marcus
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Shut Up Gary!!!!
Saturday, June 03/17
"Shut up Gary!!"
Those words were ringing through my head most of the morning as I slogged my way through one of my worst rounds of golf in the last few years.
It's not that I was playing horribly but rather that I couldn't for the life of me string together more than two consecutive good swings during the entire round. I'd hit a huge drive, well huge for me at 240 yards, and than immediately shank my 3 wood an amazing 75 yards. Talk about wasting the previous shot and making a total muck of things.
I'd like to say that part of the problem was that fickle bitch Mother Nature and her steadfast refusal to allow summer to get here but I'm not sure she was the entire problem this morning.
Now on the subject of the weather this morning.......I was half expecting to get a first snow of the season discount as both Brandt and I were convinced we were going to see snow fall before the round was over......how cold was it? well it actually got colder as we played and not warmer as is the norm.
So why was I so upset with Gary and who the hell is this guy that he can make me so mad?
Gary is my inner voice.
Stop laughing, we all have one and I just happened to name mine Gary. It's a better than using Marcus as that would just be too weird now wouldn't it.
Gary likes to remind me of the distances I used to be able to hit, convincing me I still can, and than smirks when I leave my wedge short, as if I should have known better. Damn Gary and his mocking laugh.
Every now and again Gary will put just a twinge of doubt in the back of my mind in that little space he's carved out that makes me second guess my club selection.
Normally Gary likes to get me to up club after a good shot, making me think I can pull it off again. Case in point this morning after a great tee shot off on the finishing 18th that went about 265 yards and still left me over 280 yards from the green I started to reach for my 4 hybrid knowing I could use it to get me to within 100 yards and possibly finish the round with a chance at birdie or par at worst, but Gary had other plans, reminding me that as well as I hit that 4 I should be able to hit my new 3 hybrid even better, even though I hadn't used it all morning, so instead of doing what I knew was best for this shot I listened to Gary.........and promptly hit a knuckle shot that barely cleared the creek a hundred yards in front of me............where I did hit the 4 hybrid and smoked the crap out of it to just sit off the edge of the green......stupid Gary.
Even though I know Gary does not have my best interests at heart and costs me strokes during my rounds I also know I'm far from done listening to him when I play.....not just because I'm a glutton for punishment, which I am since I acknowledge being a golfer, but mostly due to the fact that his little jabs to man up and hit certain clubs has been beneficial to my game in that I know do hit my driver every chance I get, I'm pulling my 3 wood out on more of the longer par 3's that are running in excess of 200 yards, and I'll continue to do so going forward.
Gary might cost me some strokes now and again, ok more often than I'd like, but he has also helped get my game to the point where I can realistically see myself breaking 90 on a consistent basis this summer, when it arrives that is.
Now I can hear Gary chortling from his dank dark little cave and that's fine for now, he's sort of earned that right these past couple of years as he's also been there when I was dealing with all kinds of things reminding me that taking chances and failing always beats than sitting back and not even trying.
Shut up Gary, nobody wants to hear your thoughts on why I'm single...................
What do you call your inner voice, that source of doubt and confidence, that drive that keeps you moving forward?
Marcus
"Shut up Gary!!"
Those words were ringing through my head most of the morning as I slogged my way through one of my worst rounds of golf in the last few years.
It's not that I was playing horribly but rather that I couldn't for the life of me string together more than two consecutive good swings during the entire round. I'd hit a huge drive, well huge for me at 240 yards, and than immediately shank my 3 wood an amazing 75 yards. Talk about wasting the previous shot and making a total muck of things.
I'd like to say that part of the problem was that fickle bitch Mother Nature and her steadfast refusal to allow summer to get here but I'm not sure she was the entire problem this morning.
Now on the subject of the weather this morning.......I was half expecting to get a first snow of the season discount as both Brandt and I were convinced we were going to see snow fall before the round was over......how cold was it? well it actually got colder as we played and not warmer as is the norm.
So why was I so upset with Gary and who the hell is this guy that he can make me so mad?
Gary is my inner voice.
Stop laughing, we all have one and I just happened to name mine Gary. It's a better than using Marcus as that would just be too weird now wouldn't it.
Gary likes to remind me of the distances I used to be able to hit, convincing me I still can, and than smirks when I leave my wedge short, as if I should have known better. Damn Gary and his mocking laugh.
Every now and again Gary will put just a twinge of doubt in the back of my mind in that little space he's carved out that makes me second guess my club selection.
Normally Gary likes to get me to up club after a good shot, making me think I can pull it off again. Case in point this morning after a great tee shot off on the finishing 18th that went about 265 yards and still left me over 280 yards from the green I started to reach for my 4 hybrid knowing I could use it to get me to within 100 yards and possibly finish the round with a chance at birdie or par at worst, but Gary had other plans, reminding me that as well as I hit that 4 I should be able to hit my new 3 hybrid even better, even though I hadn't used it all morning, so instead of doing what I knew was best for this shot I listened to Gary.........and promptly hit a knuckle shot that barely cleared the creek a hundred yards in front of me............where I did hit the 4 hybrid and smoked the crap out of it to just sit off the edge of the green......stupid Gary.
Even though I know Gary does not have my best interests at heart and costs me strokes during my rounds I also know I'm far from done listening to him when I play.....not just because I'm a glutton for punishment, which I am since I acknowledge being a golfer, but mostly due to the fact that his little jabs to man up and hit certain clubs has been beneficial to my game in that I know do hit my driver every chance I get, I'm pulling my 3 wood out on more of the longer par 3's that are running in excess of 200 yards, and I'll continue to do so going forward.
Gary might cost me some strokes now and again, ok more often than I'd like, but he has also helped get my game to the point where I can realistically see myself breaking 90 on a consistent basis this summer, when it arrives that is.
Now I can hear Gary chortling from his dank dark little cave and that's fine for now, he's sort of earned that right these past couple of years as he's also been there when I was dealing with all kinds of things reminding me that taking chances and failing always beats than sitting back and not even trying.
Shut up Gary, nobody wants to hear your thoughts on why I'm single...................
What do you call your inner voice, that source of doubt and confidence, that drive that keeps you moving forward?
Marcus
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