This is what I need...........

October 31/15

The snow hasn't even hit yet and already I'm getting antsy!!

I think I need to be here again very soon.....

This was the beach across from the resort we stayed at down in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Warm sands, cool water, refreshing drinks, and revitalizing company :)

Just a thought or two........

October 31/15

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Be Strong & Willing to Let Go

October 31/15

I wish this blog entry was a scary story triggered by Halloween but unfortunately it's not.

Sometimes that which you fear the most comes true....not because it was going to happen but because you obsessed about it and made it a self fulfilling prophecy.

I managed to do that with my relationship with C this week and now I don't have one any longer.

This one was totally on me and I accept complete blame for what happened.

I was so worried about getting hurt that I saw things that weren't there, compared myself to people she associated with and found myself falling short when that very difference was partially what she liked the most about me, and in the end shut down communications when they were needed most in an attempt to make her show me I mattered to her..........

I did matter to her.....I know that but the insecure me needed to hear it more often lately and it does get wearing on a person after a while.

C rocks completely. She is the total package of looks, brains, and charm.  She has her own interests and indulged me with my addiction to golf....I think she actually encouraged it a bit and that is pretty rare to say the least.

I think I'm mature enough to give her some space and maybe at some point she'll give me/us another chance........if not it's my loss as she does make me a better me and I'll continue down that path as I sort of like the transformation she started me on the last year or so..........

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself and let the past be just that, the past, so it doesn't come back and bite you in the ass. I wasn't able to do that and have the teeth marks to show for it now.

Life is like a long term university course that doesn't often offer a do over....sometimes you've got to study hard and other times you need to let loose and experience what it has to offer.

I'm taking an F on this phase of the course but will do my best to learn from it and hopefully get that grade up really soon.

Does it make me bad if.........

October 30/15

I originally had plans to be out of town for Halloween and subsequently didn't stock up on candy to pass out when the kids swarmed my neighbourhood.

Now because I can't get over something and have let it diminish my self confidence and how I interact I'll be home this weekend after all.

I'm still not keen on stocking up on candy and have been contemplating going to see a movie on Halloween so as to avoid cowering in my man cave with Moki the Wonder Puppy.

I wonder if this makes me a bad person or neighbour?

One thing that sort of works in my favour is that the number of kids who actually do trick or treat in my neighbourhood has dropped year over year from a high of 150 back in 2011 to about 70 last year.

Key Couple Milestones

October 30/15

Happy Halloween to everyone. Yes, it's a day early but I'm sure more than one of you either dressed up for school or work today or are going to a party tonight :)

Me? I'm home tonight recovering from two days of taking care of my son after her had all his wisdom teeth out yesterday. He did super good but now on day 2 is having some swelling issues along with continuing to fight a wicked cough.

At the moment he's down in the man cave with his girlfriend watching something on Netflix and enjoying the Wendy's frosty she brought him - young love :)

Something about her being over and trying to take care of him got me to thinking about milestones and/or activities that can either make or break a relationship.

Lets face it, a guy being sick or post operative and acting like a total baby is enough to test the patience of any woman let alone a sixteen year old teenager.

So as I thought about them and how they are doing it made me kind of think about things that can make or break a new relationship and here are my top three so far:

1. Take a holiday together.  I think this is a huge test as it is most likely the first time you've spent an extended period of time together and lets be honest, if it gets awkward you can't just grab your keys and head back to your place now can you. No, you've got to share some close quarters, talk about the things you'd like to do while on holiday, and that means more than just about sex, though that is always a good topic to discuss. Don't even get me started about the whole bathroom aspect to being on holiday together lol

2. Undertake a Do-It-Yourself (DIY) project. This can be a home improvement or something as simple as assembling furniture. I'm almost convinced that the furniture assembly is the most tricky as most men won't read the instructions and there are always pieces left over....literally

3. Attend a large family gathering. This isn't the same as meeting the parents or kids for the first time in my mind. It is actually worse as there are brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and nephews and nieces involved with his, and all are checking you out in one way or another to make sure you make the cut.


Over the course of the last year, and it has been almost a year since I started dating C, I'm happy to say that I've done all three of these with C.

The closest we came to a glitch was the airport in Montego Bay down Jamaica way when someone who shall remain nameless, C, used her big boss voice on me to get me moving a tad bit faster upon debarking from the plane so as to get us through customs before the crowds and associated time delays developed.

September saw us assemble a combination electric fireplace/media centre from Canadian Tire. Think I shocked her by actually reading all the instructions before we started the project and earned some boyfriend points in the progress, since lost this week by acting like an idiot when she didn't text me on Monday in a time appropriate manner but that's a blog entry for another day.

October saw me driving down with my son to visit C at her parents place for Thanksgiving. One attended by an additional 12 members of her family. Things went off without a hitch and my son didn't hold back at dinner which made him very popular with C's mom :)

We actually followed up the Saturday Thanksgiving dinner at her parents place with one at mine on Monday for my two kids and their partners. It was my first time making a turkey and with a lot of help from C it turned out really well. So much so that I won't hesitate to do another one should the mood strike.

All in all, we've hit our stride on these and now I'm just wondering what other milestones we could face moving forward. Living together or buying a car are probably big ones that could happen down the road.

Relocation is always on the list as C could see a job transfer in 2017 and it could be outside of Canada. She mentioned Washington DC and for a moment there I was lost as to how to respond but after a bit of time I could see that as something really fun to experience with her should it happen.

So what milestones do you think are important for a couple to experience and overcome if they're to have a successful relationship?

Changes coming???

October 28/15

There are things going on in my life that I don't appear to have control over and it has me feeling like the conductor of a train that is going off the rails.....I can see it happening but can't seem to do a damn thing about it..........

The funny thing is that just when things seem to be going well for me something just has to go sideways......

Happened back in April/May and now feels like it is happening again.

The hardest part is the whole deja vu-ness of it all........

One thing I know for certain is that if things transpire like before there won't be any going down this road ever again.........like the saying goes....fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me

I don't like being shamed, but then I doubt anyone really does, now do they?

M

The Big D

October 27/15

Back on October 2/15 I was driving up the valley to spend the weekend with C when I had one of those moments we all have at one time or another. For some of us those moments are lite hearted and full of smiles and laughter, and for some they are dark, bring on a sweat, and make you pray that the strength you always thought you had was real.....and enough to stay the course

There is an abyss that we all face at some point in our lives. For the majority of us it will come as we slowly leave this temporal existence and move onto the next and for a small minority, though not as small as you'd think, it is faced far sooner in life than is reasonable. Some will face it young and get over it to go on and lead fulfilling lives, others will face it as a moment with a loved one after receiving news that is less than kind, and others may face it more than once.

We step to the edge of this abyss, this dark, deep, and unfathomable gulf that draws us in and attempts to hold our attention as it works its hooks into us.

As I drove I felt the onset of my old friend once more, an odd choice of words I'm sure you'll agree but better to embrace and battle it then deny it is here to torment and tease me again, not even knowing at the time what brought it back as life had felt so good lately.

I sat there music blaring and Moki the wonder puppy curled up on the seat to me with her head resting on my hand when I wondered what it would be like to slowly lift my hands off the wheel and let fate take it's course............to drift off the edge and just be free of everything

I didn't do that as the cost would be far too high a toll to pay....not in dollars and cents but in emotions and crushed lives.....mine, my children, my few friends, my puppy, and those who knew me but couldn't be classified as anything other than acquaintances. All would be left wondering how I could do such a thing.......the actual act is easy to do or not as the case might be.....what is difficult is the acceptance that such an act is even needed.

How low must a person feel in order to even entertain such thoughts?

Not really very low as I've battled these thoughts for years and years, never once succumbing to them but coming closer than I like more than once many years ago.

When I was in grade 7 my social group was pretty evenly split between males and females, we all hung out together and experienced those preteen and early teen years as a sort of nuclear family.

I knew what was going on with them better than I did my own family.

In that group was a young girl named Kelly, I'm violating my rule on never using real names as she'll never know and her initial won't give her personality like her name does.

Kelly was beautiful, smart, athletic, charming, and had every guy panting over her. She knew it and never once used it against any of us. Kelly had a little sister and a father. Kelly's mother was nowhere around when I first met her and it wasn't until a few months later that I found out she'd walked into the garage one morning after seeing Kelly and sister off to school, closed all the doors, started the car up, and sat down on the floor and silently fell asleep to never awaken again.

At just age eleven Kelly became a mother to her little sister and female head of the house as her father worked long hours as a marketing executive for some consumer products company. That has stuck with me for almost 40 years now.....how much burden her mother placed on her when she decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.......and based on many conversations with her over the next several years the one thing that stood out to me was how nobody was even aware of how fragile things were with her mom.

It is that knowledge that keeps me battling the beast......has seen me win the war so far and hopefully forever......but there are no guarantees....life doesn't work that way

For me it hits most often in the fall/winter when it gets cooler and the days a bit shorter. It hit me when I lived in Southern California but not as hard or often as it has since I've been in Canada. Part of me thinks it has to do with my mom being a December baby and her passing in '98 left me with a bit of an emotional hole that reaches out to remind me of my loss.

On that particular Friday I think it was the gorgeous scenery that did me in. Sounds sort of dumb to associate one with the other but it was a reminder of growing up and all the time I spent in Regina with my grandfather and cousins, literally some of the best moments of my life, and I felt momentarily lost as I gazed out on the beauty of the Ottawa Valley.........and for a brief moment didn't want to continue on anymore.........it would be so easy to just let things go but life wasn't meant to be easy....it is a continuous exam.....a test of ones endurance.....our will to preserver onwards when the odds are stacked against us.........life is the ultimate game where the stakes are literally and figuratively the same thing.......the joy of waking up each morning to face it all over once more

It was at that moment that I thought of my son and my daughter. I've yet to walk her down the aisle nor have I seen him graduate high school.......both events I've vowed to make come hell or high water.

Now you might ask what is to stop me once I've seen these come true...........

Mind games.........I play them with myself in that once I meet one objective I declare another one that presents some insurmountable challenge that will take me some time to meet.......

I've got a list of them and will bring them out when needed to make sure I'm around for a very long time to come......but that isn't too say I don't struggle with the welcoming siren call of the Abyss.....

All of us who suffer from depression.........some of us fail in our efforts and give in to the that monster...leaving wreckage in our wakes......while some of us fight the good fight, throwing out anchors left and right to retain our sanity....or what passes for it in this day and age.........

I feel it even as I right this blog, reminding me of those things I've done in life that make me feel ashamed, the pain I've caused people, the disappointment I've brought onto myself.....but I counter by reminding myself that my children are loved, my time spent volunteering in the community has helped others and offered me some redemption..........that is what we all seek in one form or another as we coast along the ripples our lives leave on the pond of life.........

The Big D doesn't refer to Dallas........it isn't a football rallying cry..........

The Big D is a beast we all encounter at one time.....it is what we do when we face it that matters the most.........it is those actions that will define us and the legacy we will leave behind........

For me I hope that the fact that I struggled with this demon but never gave in will offer my children and future grandchildren some aspect of my inner strength.......one I may doubt now and again but never ignore...........

I live with depression but I don't let it diminish my life.................

Kelly, I'll always remember you and the strength you showed me.....and promise to do my utmost to be strong for my own children so they never know the pain you carried and cried out on my shoulder that one dark and rainy night many years ago.............

The Struggle

October 27/15

I've been really lax about updating the blog and the reason is I am struggling with some mixed emotions that came up during my drive up the valley a few weeks ago.

I think a lot when there is nothing going on around me that requires me to concentrate, probably why I love golf so much, it allows me to just let my mind wander and explore this and that.

The other side of that benefit is that I think a lot......and sometimes my mind reminds me of things that are best left in the closet, under the bed, or stored away in the overhead compartment.

It is the last that has been causing me the problem for the last month.

The thought that came up during the drive really hit home and reminded me how fragile life is and how close to the edge we all are at some point in time, or times as it varies from person to person.

Two weekends ago C was over and we were doing something, the actual thing escapes me at the moment, when she had to use her cell phone to look something up on Google and it came up that she'd been checking out the blog and commented on how long it had been since my last post.

I said I had a topic I was working on but that it was a difficult one for me and I was wrestling with how best to write it out, she mentioned I didn't have to write the hard one's but could go easy now and again. I laughed and said if it was only that easy to do for me but I'm more wired for the hard stuff than the fluffy stuff........

So all this to say I've been slowly working on the post that started with a  Friday drive up the valley back in September and will be putting it online over the next few days.

It scares me to post as it leaves me feeling vulnerable but I've always said to myself that the day I avoid a post to feel better about myself is the day I need to cease the blog.........and I don't see that happening any time soon so no worries

Marcus

Blogger Update Oct 5th

Monday, October 5th.

I've got a couple of posts in the final editing stage and hope to have them up in the next day or so.

Sometimes the process is really easy and the words just flow, allowing me to post almost immediately and other times the topic is there but the words don't seem to really fit the thought or message and I have to sort of massage them into place. The later seems to be occurring more often than I am used to or like.

I spent the weekend up the valley visiting with C and had a major moment hit me on the drive up Friday - think shovel to the forehead kind of moment that left me the most rattled I've ever been in my life and with some serious questions about myself.  I'm trying to put this into words so that any reader will understand and yet not judge me too harshly....I am human after all

Marcus