Friday, May 29/15
No song today as I really can't think of one that would accurately reflect my mood.
Closure......we all want it, we all need it, and some will feel that they deserve it. Unfortunately closure comes when both parties are able to fulfill the needs of the other and it doesn't seem like I'll be getting my closure any time soon.
Tonight was my final meeting with C to exchange the stuff we had each left at the others house over the last few months. For me that meant getting back the keys to my house I'd given her and packing a small box with her stuff to bring to her place. It never really dawned on me till today when I was going through things how much she had left at my place and yet it felt kind of right to me at the same time.
We talked briefly and things are still the same in terms of why she ended things but there is a piece of me that just doesn't buy her story and thinks she is holding something back as two people don't go from where we were to breaking up in the span of one weekend without something else causing it.
I doubt I'll ever know the whole story and while that sucks for me there is little I can do other than remember some incredible times and keep my head up as I know I was really into her and the potential we had, hell lets be honest and say I still am and it is almost damn near impossible to find someone who not only stimulates your libido let alone your mind, and she did that!!
So I'm going to put on my big boy pants now and get on with my life, doing my best not to let this show up in the blog anymore. Just know that every now and than one of the more interesting entries might be related to some awesome memory slipping past my guard and making me feel a bit lost for a moment in time.
Closure.....nice to have but not the end of the world if it isn't forthcoming.
Btw......Romantic Me was hoping for a text tonight but Logical Me hit him on the back of the head like Gibbs does to DeNozo on NCIS.......take a moment and visualize it......you are welcome for that smile you just had :)
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
My Daily Battle with Myself.....
Tuesday, May 26/15
Today's song is "Golden Slumbers" by The Beatles
I bet the title of this post has you wondering what my real topic will be about since I like to say one thing and mean something else, well rest assured that today's subject really is about the daily battle I have with myself, one I've had for as long as I can remember.
No, that isn't some reference to having a mental issue, but so what if it was, are we not able to be open with one another to discuss such things if one of us was actually facing those kinds of demons? I'd like to think we've evolved but I admit there are still those who think adults, and in particular men, have to grow up, be strong, and to quote my stepfather, grow a pair.
I'm sad that my mom didn't get to see grandson and thankful he was never exposed to the vitriol my stepfather was famous for dishing out. Actually, I would have never allowed that man near my children so I guess I'm really only sorry my mom isn't around for her grandchildren.
OK, sorry about that, seems like I sort of got off track there for a moment, happens when one tends to think about this, that, and a little bit of everything and just free form write his thoughts. Mea Culpa!
So what exactly do I mean by my inner battles?
That is easy to answer and difficult to reconcile at the same time.
Inside of me resides two kinds of person. One is a romantic who believes in love, romance, tenderness, commitment, and finding and being with the one. The counter to this romantic side is logic. Now my logical side is cold, hard, and rational. It doesn't want me to open up, to expose myself to people less it result in hurt, ridicule, and a sense of loss. To make this easier lets refer to the romantic me as RM and the logical me as LM.
RM & LM battle every single day over almost everything. Now I'm sure you're scratching your head or laughing at that last statement thinking to yourself that they can't argue every day but trust me when I say they do that they really do. Well, really LM fights with RM and it sees that as it's primary purpose less RM do something stupid like fall in love. LM wasn't speaking to RM for a few days there last week but now he's back with a vengeance.
When I was dating C Romantic Me flourished and Logical Me was banished to the darkest depths of the emotional closet we all have and use as needed. Some people also refer to this closet as the place we store our baggage or even compartmentalizing one's emotions.
RM came out in how I expressed myself as I really saw things in a new light. Now I like my house but to be honest it has the same paint in all the rooms that it came with when I moved in 4 years ago. RM had started mentally nudging me to make some changes, to add some colour, to dare I say let my feelings show in a paint other than taupe.
RM had me rethinking my front and back yards and the layout of the walkway to my front door and possible changes to the side deck.
RM was looking at the things I eat and making subtle hints about adding some healthier choices to my diet and dropping some of the poorer choices I'd been making now for a few years.
RM loves a good movie that has a happy ending. RM is the part of me that makes me cry when the time is right, be it a movie, television show, line from a book, or lyrics from a song.
RM is all about the possibilities. RM believes that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. RM sees last minute trips to Dairy Queen for a soft serve cone or blizzard as critical to a relationship.
RM is the light that guides me in the darkest night as I try and find my way through life looking for friendship, love, and ultimately the One. RM is key to my happiness and reminds me that the line of J.P.'s from "Angels in the Outfield" that goes "It could happen" is far more true than most of us ever give credit.
LM doesn't like any of this and does it's best to show me the ugly truth about people and life. It reminds me for every sappy ending to a movie someone gets hurt along the way. LM doesn't like any colours other than black and white as that's how it sees the world. LM will point out that it's almost closing time or raining too hard to make that drive to DQ. LM thinks losing in love is pointless and tries to keep me from trying to reach out when the mood strikes me.
LM reminds me that love songs can make one feel hurt for the very reason that the writer actually did get hurt and chose to put that pain into words in order to share the pain.
RM likes Taylor Swift for the romance and LM likes her for calling out all of her former boyfriends in her lyrics. Probably the only time I can think of when the two agreed on something.
Logical Me has been having a field day reminding me of just how much I've been hurting lately, the paralysis I've felt over C, and that I'm better off not thinking about her and getting on with my life, my very single and not committed life.
Romantic Me took a break to recharge his batteries but came back with fury today. RM reminded me that while I may be hurting that nothing has been written in stone, this last chapter of this book hasn't been penned yet. RM reminds me that when I am open to love and being honest with myself and those around me my sense of calmness is so large that almost nothing gets me down.
Romantic Me has been countering the hurt with random acts of kindness whenever the situation presents itself the past few days. Romantic Me is forgiving. Romantic Me embraces new chances and doesn't hold a grudge.
Romantic Me awaits a text message and won't listen as Logical Me says not to bothering holding my breathe for it.
So while I am composed of both romance and logic, that while they may war for control of my emotions, that logic wants my brain to win out over my heart, I chose love. I chose romance. I chose the opportunities that life has yet to bring me.
We all have these inner battles. The key to make sure you side with the one that has your real best interests at heart, and when think of it doesn't romance involve the heart..........
Today's song is "Golden Slumbers" by The Beatles
I bet the title of this post has you wondering what my real topic will be about since I like to say one thing and mean something else, well rest assured that today's subject really is about the daily battle I have with myself, one I've had for as long as I can remember.
No, that isn't some reference to having a mental issue, but so what if it was, are we not able to be open with one another to discuss such things if one of us was actually facing those kinds of demons? I'd like to think we've evolved but I admit there are still those who think adults, and in particular men, have to grow up, be strong, and to quote my stepfather, grow a pair.
I'm sad that my mom didn't get to see grandson and thankful he was never exposed to the vitriol my stepfather was famous for dishing out. Actually, I would have never allowed that man near my children so I guess I'm really only sorry my mom isn't around for her grandchildren.
OK, sorry about that, seems like I sort of got off track there for a moment, happens when one tends to think about this, that, and a little bit of everything and just free form write his thoughts. Mea Culpa!
So what exactly do I mean by my inner battles?
That is easy to answer and difficult to reconcile at the same time.
Inside of me resides two kinds of person. One is a romantic who believes in love, romance, tenderness, commitment, and finding and being with the one. The counter to this romantic side is logic. Now my logical side is cold, hard, and rational. It doesn't want me to open up, to expose myself to people less it result in hurt, ridicule, and a sense of loss. To make this easier lets refer to the romantic me as RM and the logical me as LM.
RM & LM battle every single day over almost everything. Now I'm sure you're scratching your head or laughing at that last statement thinking to yourself that they can't argue every day but trust me when I say they do that they really do. Well, really LM fights with RM and it sees that as it's primary purpose less RM do something stupid like fall in love. LM wasn't speaking to RM for a few days there last week but now he's back with a vengeance.
When I was dating C Romantic Me flourished and Logical Me was banished to the darkest depths of the emotional closet we all have and use as needed. Some people also refer to this closet as the place we store our baggage or even compartmentalizing one's emotions.
RM came out in how I expressed myself as I really saw things in a new light. Now I like my house but to be honest it has the same paint in all the rooms that it came with when I moved in 4 years ago. RM had started mentally nudging me to make some changes, to add some colour, to dare I say let my feelings show in a paint other than taupe.
RM had me rethinking my front and back yards and the layout of the walkway to my front door and possible changes to the side deck.
RM was looking at the things I eat and making subtle hints about adding some healthier choices to my diet and dropping some of the poorer choices I'd been making now for a few years.
RM loves a good movie that has a happy ending. RM is the part of me that makes me cry when the time is right, be it a movie, television show, line from a book, or lyrics from a song.
RM is all about the possibilities. RM believes that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. RM sees last minute trips to Dairy Queen for a soft serve cone or blizzard as critical to a relationship.
RM is the light that guides me in the darkest night as I try and find my way through life looking for friendship, love, and ultimately the One. RM is key to my happiness and reminds me that the line of J.P.'s from "Angels in the Outfield" that goes "It could happen" is far more true than most of us ever give credit.
LM doesn't like any of this and does it's best to show me the ugly truth about people and life. It reminds me for every sappy ending to a movie someone gets hurt along the way. LM doesn't like any colours other than black and white as that's how it sees the world. LM will point out that it's almost closing time or raining too hard to make that drive to DQ. LM thinks losing in love is pointless and tries to keep me from trying to reach out when the mood strikes me.
LM reminds me that love songs can make one feel hurt for the very reason that the writer actually did get hurt and chose to put that pain into words in order to share the pain.
RM likes Taylor Swift for the romance and LM likes her for calling out all of her former boyfriends in her lyrics. Probably the only time I can think of when the two agreed on something.
Logical Me has been having a field day reminding me of just how much I've been hurting lately, the paralysis I've felt over C, and that I'm better off not thinking about her and getting on with my life, my very single and not committed life.
Romantic Me took a break to recharge his batteries but came back with fury today. RM reminded me that while I may be hurting that nothing has been written in stone, this last chapter of this book hasn't been penned yet. RM reminds me that when I am open to love and being honest with myself and those around me my sense of calmness is so large that almost nothing gets me down.
Romantic Me has been countering the hurt with random acts of kindness whenever the situation presents itself the past few days. Romantic Me is forgiving. Romantic Me embraces new chances and doesn't hold a grudge.
Romantic Me awaits a text message and won't listen as Logical Me says not to bothering holding my breathe for it.
So while I am composed of both romance and logic, that while they may war for control of my emotions, that logic wants my brain to win out over my heart, I chose love. I chose romance. I chose the opportunities that life has yet to bring me.
We all have these inner battles. The key to make sure you side with the one that has your real best interests at heart, and when think of it doesn't romance involve the heart..........
Monday, May 25, 2015
Kids to the rescue
Monday, May 25/15
Today's song is "Fooling Yourself" by Styx
Some blogger background here......Styx was the very first concert I ever attended back at the Fox Theatre in San Diego. The Mr. Roboto tour if memory serves and one awesome show to attend.
So over the weekend my kids came to my rescue without even meaning to or even knowing what they had done to save dear old dad once again.
It started on Friday at my son's soccer practice and a comment he made to his teammates when they were being a tad rude to the new assistant, that would be me, telling them to knock it off and maybe as a team they could learn something from an experienced coach. One of the kids made a comment saying he was sure I didn't know much about the game when both my son and two of his teammates who played for me before laughed at him and one said "You are right, he probably can't teach you anything but he taught us how to play like champions and guided our teams to two first place finishes and a perfect season over the last three years" and then all turned looked at one another before turning to face me and gave me their undivided attention.
When this season started my goal was to be a soccer dad and not coach at all but there have been some issues with the assistant coach assigned to his competitive team and they asked me to reconsider if I could help out. I had a long talk with my son and he said he'd be ok with it as long as I didn't go overboard and we both laughed.
I'm happy to help and am working really hard to stay in the background as this is his season to shine on his own and so far he's been more than holding his own against kids with years of rep soccer under their belts.
Saturday saw the next incident to make me smile and thank the stars above for the kids I've been blessed to parent. I was out having some sushi with my son and as we were leaving the restaurant a woman and her teenage daughters were walking up and my son held the door open for them and wished them a great lunch. Nothing too special about it except most kids would have stepped out the door and reached back to hold it open but he stepped back inside and held it open so they had room to come in together. As we walked across the parking lot a man came out of the restaurant and called out to us to please wait up, as he walked up to us he reached out and shook my son's hand and thanked him for being so polite and showing his daughters how a real gentlemen acts and turned to me to say I should be proud of the man I'd raised. I smiled and told him he had no idea how proud my son makes me day in and day out. As we got into the car I told him what a wonderful son he was and to remind me to compliment his mom on raising him the right way and the laughed and said it was all my doing. I'll admit to looking out the window so he couldn't see my eyes glistening at his remark.
The final act came Sunday night when out of the blue my daughter stopped by to say hi and give me a hug. I asked her what that was for and she smiled and said it was payback for all the hugs I have her over the years when she was feeling down about something. I guess I looked a little confused as she told me that she knew I was having a rough time with things and this was her way of reminding me that I'm not walking it alone, my family is there and they've got my back.
I've done my best to raise my kids to be respectful, caring, and empathetic to those around us. My ex has done the same and I'd like to think that between us we've done a good job, it's weekends like the one just passed that I'm reminded of the two greatest things I've ever been part of...........
Today's song is "Fooling Yourself" by Styx
Some blogger background here......Styx was the very first concert I ever attended back at the Fox Theatre in San Diego. The Mr. Roboto tour if memory serves and one awesome show to attend.
So over the weekend my kids came to my rescue without even meaning to or even knowing what they had done to save dear old dad once again.
It started on Friday at my son's soccer practice and a comment he made to his teammates when they were being a tad rude to the new assistant, that would be me, telling them to knock it off and maybe as a team they could learn something from an experienced coach. One of the kids made a comment saying he was sure I didn't know much about the game when both my son and two of his teammates who played for me before laughed at him and one said "You are right, he probably can't teach you anything but he taught us how to play like champions and guided our teams to two first place finishes and a perfect season over the last three years" and then all turned looked at one another before turning to face me and gave me their undivided attention.
When this season started my goal was to be a soccer dad and not coach at all but there have been some issues with the assistant coach assigned to his competitive team and they asked me to reconsider if I could help out. I had a long talk with my son and he said he'd be ok with it as long as I didn't go overboard and we both laughed.
I'm happy to help and am working really hard to stay in the background as this is his season to shine on his own and so far he's been more than holding his own against kids with years of rep soccer under their belts.
Saturday saw the next incident to make me smile and thank the stars above for the kids I've been blessed to parent. I was out having some sushi with my son and as we were leaving the restaurant a woman and her teenage daughters were walking up and my son held the door open for them and wished them a great lunch. Nothing too special about it except most kids would have stepped out the door and reached back to hold it open but he stepped back inside and held it open so they had room to come in together. As we walked across the parking lot a man came out of the restaurant and called out to us to please wait up, as he walked up to us he reached out and shook my son's hand and thanked him for being so polite and showing his daughters how a real gentlemen acts and turned to me to say I should be proud of the man I'd raised. I smiled and told him he had no idea how proud my son makes me day in and day out. As we got into the car I told him what a wonderful son he was and to remind me to compliment his mom on raising him the right way and the laughed and said it was all my doing. I'll admit to looking out the window so he couldn't see my eyes glistening at his remark.
The final act came Sunday night when out of the blue my daughter stopped by to say hi and give me a hug. I asked her what that was for and she smiled and said it was payback for all the hugs I have her over the years when she was feeling down about something. I guess I looked a little confused as she told me that she knew I was having a rough time with things and this was her way of reminding me that I'm not walking it alone, my family is there and they've got my back.
I've done my best to raise my kids to be respectful, caring, and empathetic to those around us. My ex has done the same and I'd like to think that between us we've done a good job, it's weekends like the one just passed that I'm reminded of the two greatest things I've ever been part of...........
Sunday, May 24, 2015
I'm trying but it's so damn hard at times
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Today's song is "Flickers" by London Grammar
The past few days have been kind of rough as I've been doing that whole introspection thing and I still can't make heads or tails of what happened with my relationship.
Maybe the reason I was given for the breakup is real but there is a huge part of me that feels like there was something else and that kind of makes me angry as I think I deserve to know how things went from a vacation in Jamaica, being her date at her organizations annual ball, a house hunting trip around her new position, to talking about how we'll handle the long distance to not being ready for a relationship or having enough time for one.........
It is this not knowing that has me sleeping no more than a few hours a night and keeping my mind racing all over the place exploring all the options, sometimes I wish I drank more so that I could just drown the sorrow and confusion and than I mentally kick myself for the thought as that would just bring on a whole new set of problems.
Will I get over this and once more take forward steps? Absolutely! But I think this is going to take me more time than I originally thought as I didn't really understand the depth of my feelings or the hole in my heart that needs time to not only heal but once more allow anyone to get close. You see by nature I am a loner and the mere fact that C was able to get close says a lot about her and what I thought she brought to the table.
I can't count the number of things each day that remind me how much she impacted my life.
Was I not man enough? Her line of work has some of the most extreme Alpha males so there was always a little insecurity lurking inside me that I didn't compare to the men she sees on a daily basis, but I always tried to remind myself that she contacted me first and used that to assuage my fears.
After our first date I didn't think I was good enough for her and tried to push her away but her first question to me was "are you breaking up with me?" and it dawned on me that after one date there really was something clicking between us and maybe I needed to give myself and us a chance so we spoke for a few hours and made the move to continue seeing one another until one day out of the blue as we were saying our goodbyes at the end of a telephone call I said those magic words "I love you" and then there was a very long pause by both of us.....me not because I didn't mean it but for the simple realization that it felt so right to say and her, well maybe there was some shock on her end but I can't say so for sure. She did eventually say the same words back to me so I think it was good.
There are mornings I get up and think to myself I need to send her a text wishing her a good day like we used to exchange or that I haven't heard from her saying she'd gotten to work ok and hoping I had a great day when it slowly dawns on me that isn't happening anymore and I have to put my cell phone back down on the counter.
We didn't even have a fight, like not once that I can recall. Hell, I don't think we even had any disagreements and yet one day it was all over, that is what makes it so hard to understand and accept. Maybe accept isn't the right word as it does take two to make a relationship so in the end I have to accept it but it doesn't make it easier to swallow.
I think back and it feels like I saw a better future with C than I did with my ex and that both surprises me and makes me happy as it means my love wasn't misplaced at all. I moved over three thousand miles to be with my ex and there were times I admit I wondered if I'd made a mistake but I hung in there and ended up with a couple of amazing kids where with C that wasn't really an option, both our choices, and yet the future I saw with her made me feel far more relaxed and calm than I ever saw myself with my children's mother.
I've never been one to think too far ahead and yet with C this just seemed to come naturally. I didn't worry about having to be with her 24/7 as she has her own life and we seemed comfortable doing our own things when we couldn't be together, there wasn't this pressure to spend every free second with one another that I think puts a lot of strain on a new relationship. But at the same time I relished my time with her and found it so easy to just relax and do the little things that make a real relationship like getting groceries or even cutting the lawn. I wanted to do things with and for her not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to do things that would make her smile and take a something off her list. I guess you can say I fully participated in a relationship for the first time as I'm sure my ex would confirm that wasn't me in our marriage, and yes I feel bad about that as well.
In the past I've blogged that love brings both pain and joy, that it shows you that you are alive through the emotions it makes you feel, and that is so damn true as I feel all of them right now.
I had a girlfriend just two weeks ago and now I don't, it sucks so damn much and there isn't much I can do about it.
I want to call her but I can't do that as it isn't what she wants.
I want to wake up next to her and see the morning smile she used to flash me but those are now nothing more than memories.
I miss her and wonder if I even cross her mind anymore......
That might sound harsh but from what I can tell she has kept herself busy with friends and getting ready for her big move, things I thought I'd be helping with but not now.
I've read this posting twice now and almost deleted it to write another but I've tried to be honest with my feelings and though it doesn't paint me in a very good picture it does reflect how I feel these days.
Time will heal my wounds and I'm counting on it as I'm in love but need to let go so the heart can heal and maybe once again skip a beat, skip a beat for a smile, skip a beat for a whispered word in my ear, skip abeat for the touch of a hand, or the brush of lips against mine, but skip a beat once more it shall..........
My name is Marcus and this is my ongoing blog about being a single dad, dating, loving, getting over things, and moving forward with my life.
Today's song is "Flickers" by London Grammar
The past few days have been kind of rough as I've been doing that whole introspection thing and I still can't make heads or tails of what happened with my relationship.
Maybe the reason I was given for the breakup is real but there is a huge part of me that feels like there was something else and that kind of makes me angry as I think I deserve to know how things went from a vacation in Jamaica, being her date at her organizations annual ball, a house hunting trip around her new position, to talking about how we'll handle the long distance to not being ready for a relationship or having enough time for one.........
It is this not knowing that has me sleeping no more than a few hours a night and keeping my mind racing all over the place exploring all the options, sometimes I wish I drank more so that I could just drown the sorrow and confusion and than I mentally kick myself for the thought as that would just bring on a whole new set of problems.
Will I get over this and once more take forward steps? Absolutely! But I think this is going to take me more time than I originally thought as I didn't really understand the depth of my feelings or the hole in my heart that needs time to not only heal but once more allow anyone to get close. You see by nature I am a loner and the mere fact that C was able to get close says a lot about her and what I thought she brought to the table.
I can't count the number of things each day that remind me how much she impacted my life.
Was I not man enough? Her line of work has some of the most extreme Alpha males so there was always a little insecurity lurking inside me that I didn't compare to the men she sees on a daily basis, but I always tried to remind myself that she contacted me first and used that to assuage my fears.
After our first date I didn't think I was good enough for her and tried to push her away but her first question to me was "are you breaking up with me?" and it dawned on me that after one date there really was something clicking between us and maybe I needed to give myself and us a chance so we spoke for a few hours and made the move to continue seeing one another until one day out of the blue as we were saying our goodbyes at the end of a telephone call I said those magic words "I love you" and then there was a very long pause by both of us.....me not because I didn't mean it but for the simple realization that it felt so right to say and her, well maybe there was some shock on her end but I can't say so for sure. She did eventually say the same words back to me so I think it was good.
There are mornings I get up and think to myself I need to send her a text wishing her a good day like we used to exchange or that I haven't heard from her saying she'd gotten to work ok and hoping I had a great day when it slowly dawns on me that isn't happening anymore and I have to put my cell phone back down on the counter.
We didn't even have a fight, like not once that I can recall. Hell, I don't think we even had any disagreements and yet one day it was all over, that is what makes it so hard to understand and accept. Maybe accept isn't the right word as it does take two to make a relationship so in the end I have to accept it but it doesn't make it easier to swallow.
I think back and it feels like I saw a better future with C than I did with my ex and that both surprises me and makes me happy as it means my love wasn't misplaced at all. I moved over three thousand miles to be with my ex and there were times I admit I wondered if I'd made a mistake but I hung in there and ended up with a couple of amazing kids where with C that wasn't really an option, both our choices, and yet the future I saw with her made me feel far more relaxed and calm than I ever saw myself with my children's mother.
I've never been one to think too far ahead and yet with C this just seemed to come naturally. I didn't worry about having to be with her 24/7 as she has her own life and we seemed comfortable doing our own things when we couldn't be together, there wasn't this pressure to spend every free second with one another that I think puts a lot of strain on a new relationship. But at the same time I relished my time with her and found it so easy to just relax and do the little things that make a real relationship like getting groceries or even cutting the lawn. I wanted to do things with and for her not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to do things that would make her smile and take a something off her list. I guess you can say I fully participated in a relationship for the first time as I'm sure my ex would confirm that wasn't me in our marriage, and yes I feel bad about that as well.
In the past I've blogged that love brings both pain and joy, that it shows you that you are alive through the emotions it makes you feel, and that is so damn true as I feel all of them right now.
I had a girlfriend just two weeks ago and now I don't, it sucks so damn much and there isn't much I can do about it.
I want to call her but I can't do that as it isn't what she wants.
I want to wake up next to her and see the morning smile she used to flash me but those are now nothing more than memories.
I miss her and wonder if I even cross her mind anymore......
That might sound harsh but from what I can tell she has kept herself busy with friends and getting ready for her big move, things I thought I'd be helping with but not now.
I've read this posting twice now and almost deleted it to write another but I've tried to be honest with my feelings and though it doesn't paint me in a very good picture it does reflect how I feel these days.
Time will heal my wounds and I'm counting on it as I'm in love but need to let go so the heart can heal and maybe once again skip a beat, skip a beat for a smile, skip a beat for a whispered word in my ear, skip abeat for the touch of a hand, or the brush of lips against mine, but skip a beat once more it shall..........
My name is Marcus and this is my ongoing blog about being a single dad, dating, loving, getting over things, and moving forward with my life.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Relax and take a breathe :)
Saturday, May 23/15
I received a couple of messages telling me I had better not be doing another vanishing act since I didn't post anything yesterday and just wanted to say relax and take a breathe........
While I might be doing that whole unemployed bit it doesn't mean I'm not busy folks. yesterday was spent arranging a couple of appointments for next week, cleaning my place in anticipation of starting my week with my awesome son, and attending is soccer practice for the first time in my new role of assistant coach.
My plan to is to post something new tomorrow while someone I know works on his science and math homework.
On a side note......remember to express just how happy you are with your child's school progress every chance you get as that praise means far more than you'll ever realize right now. I know from my own past where my parents would have been hard pressed to tell you what subjects I was taking let alone how I was doing in them.
Your words matter, use them wisely now and reap the rewards later on............
I received a couple of messages telling me I had better not be doing another vanishing act since I didn't post anything yesterday and just wanted to say relax and take a breathe........
While I might be doing that whole unemployed bit it doesn't mean I'm not busy folks. yesterday was spent arranging a couple of appointments for next week, cleaning my place in anticipation of starting my week with my awesome son, and attending is soccer practice for the first time in my new role of assistant coach.
My plan to is to post something new tomorrow while someone I know works on his science and math homework.
On a side note......remember to express just how happy you are with your child's school progress every chance you get as that praise means far more than you'll ever realize right now. I know from my own past where my parents would have been hard pressed to tell you what subjects I was taking let alone how I was doing in them.
Your words matter, use them wisely now and reap the rewards later on............
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Guilty Pleasures
Thursday, May 21/15
Today's song is "The Lightning Strike" by Snow Patrol
The instrumentals on this song are stand alone and the words just add to the mood it creates.
Guilty pleasures.....we all have them whether we want to admit to them or not
Lately I've been experiencing one of mine as I find it helps center me and gives me some inspiration and more than a few topics to blog about.
What is this guilty pleasure you ask?
One Tree Hill
Now before you laugh at my for enjoying a show built around the drama and angst of a group of high school students from mythical Tree Hill, North Carolina take a moment and think back about your own high school experience. Mine wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as that posed on the show but there are some similar experiences that bring back memories both good and bad.
One think I like about OTH is that they didn't try and prolong the show by keeping the characters in high school longer than was necessary but allowed them to grow up, move on with life, and face new challenges and opportunities.
I'm just finishing up season 8 with one more to go and I see quite a bit of similarity between Nathan Scott and myself in terms of how we view fatherhood and being there for our children all the while battling the demons of how we were raised by our respective fathers.
OTH is but one of my guilty pleasures and given how life has gone for me lately I think I'll be revisiting some of them over the next little while as I cope with things and try and stay on an even keel.
These guilty pleasures might include but are not limited too.....
Those are but a few of mine and now I ask that you consider some of your own and possibility partake of one or two this coming weekend.
M
Today's song is "The Lightning Strike" by Snow Patrol
The instrumentals on this song are stand alone and the words just add to the mood it creates.
Guilty pleasures.....we all have them whether we want to admit to them or not
Lately I've been experiencing one of mine as I find it helps center me and gives me some inspiration and more than a few topics to blog about.
What is this guilty pleasure you ask?
One Tree Hill
Now before you laugh at my for enjoying a show built around the drama and angst of a group of high school students from mythical Tree Hill, North Carolina take a moment and think back about your own high school experience. Mine wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as that posed on the show but there are some similar experiences that bring back memories both good and bad.
One think I like about OTH is that they didn't try and prolong the show by keeping the characters in high school longer than was necessary but allowed them to grow up, move on with life, and face new challenges and opportunities.
I'm just finishing up season 8 with one more to go and I see quite a bit of similarity between Nathan Scott and myself in terms of how we view fatherhood and being there for our children all the while battling the demons of how we were raised by our respective fathers.
OTH is but one of my guilty pleasures and given how life has gone for me lately I think I'll be revisiting some of them over the next little while as I cope with things and try and stay on an even keel.
These guilty pleasures might include but are not limited too.....
- Hoosiers, the movie that is with Gene Hackman and not the state of Indiana
- Dairy Queen soft swirl cone, but not dipped, oh no, never dipped
- Sitting on my deck with my iPod, a cold drink, and a book by Dick Francis
- The driving range so I can let some frustration out through the timely application of my driver
- A walk through Ikea, not to buy anything but just to check things out
- Letting Moki off her leash in the park and running around like the crazy puppy she is
Those are but a few of mine and now I ask that you consider some of your own and possibility partake of one or two this coming weekend.
M
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
The Blog
May 20/2015
The blog is back for a variety of reasons but the primary one is to offer some help.
Help for who you may ask.....
Myself mostly as I find writing is a huge release and grants me some sense of calm in a turbulent world.
I also hope it helps anyone who takes the time to read any of the postings. Not that it will offer a solutions to any problems you may be experiencing but more from the observation that we all go though those same moments and seeing how I face them, view them, and hopefully overcome them can offer you encouragement in your own struggles.
I don't blog to get sympathy as I'm one of those people who feel we are all the masters of our own destiny and that we each must like the person we are before we can hope to like anyone else in the deeper sense of the word as superficial liking is readily possible, but we all strive for that deeper feeling that leaves our hearts pounding, pupils dilated, and gasping for air........
I'm not blogging to win votes, earn money, or even try and get someone back. I'm blogging for the simple reason that I enjoy putting pen to paper and creating something.
You don't have to like it, respect it, or even keep reading.
No, you just owe it to yourself to stay true to the person you are now and the one you want to be as you pass through the various stages of your life.
I am recently freshly wounded from the ending of a relationship that meant far more to me than I realized when I was actually part of it. There is a saying that says you don't know what you have till you've lost it.........from my own recent experiences, trust me that one is very true........
C knows about the blog as I mentioned it to her when we first started dating. It was one thing she didn't know about as several of her co-workers had done some rather serious research on me as they are pretty protective of her. She knew I'd done one but not where to find it online. She does now and I hope that none of these posts make her uncomfortable, sad, or even angry.
Rather I hope she comes to understand the positive effect she had on me and how much I appreciate the growth she has brought about these past few months, the joy she raised inside me, the trust I have in her to live her life to the fullest as she continues to grow as a person, a parent, and someday someone's partner.
I don't know what my future holds but I have some unfinished dreams that I hope to see come true someday.......some I've shared on the blog and some I've talked about one on one with people...and a few I recently came to see as possible........maybe those will still happen..........
The blog is back for a variety of reasons but the primary one is to offer some help.
Help for who you may ask.....
Myself mostly as I find writing is a huge release and grants me some sense of calm in a turbulent world.
I also hope it helps anyone who takes the time to read any of the postings. Not that it will offer a solutions to any problems you may be experiencing but more from the observation that we all go though those same moments and seeing how I face them, view them, and hopefully overcome them can offer you encouragement in your own struggles.
I don't blog to get sympathy as I'm one of those people who feel we are all the masters of our own destiny and that we each must like the person we are before we can hope to like anyone else in the deeper sense of the word as superficial liking is readily possible, but we all strive for that deeper feeling that leaves our hearts pounding, pupils dilated, and gasping for air........
I'm not blogging to win votes, earn money, or even try and get someone back. I'm blogging for the simple reason that I enjoy putting pen to paper and creating something.
You don't have to like it, respect it, or even keep reading.
No, you just owe it to yourself to stay true to the person you are now and the one you want to be as you pass through the various stages of your life.
I am recently freshly wounded from the ending of a relationship that meant far more to me than I realized when I was actually part of it. There is a saying that says you don't know what you have till you've lost it.........from my own recent experiences, trust me that one is very true........
C knows about the blog as I mentioned it to her when we first started dating. It was one thing she didn't know about as several of her co-workers had done some rather serious research on me as they are pretty protective of her. She knew I'd done one but not where to find it online. She does now and I hope that none of these posts make her uncomfortable, sad, or even angry.
Rather I hope she comes to understand the positive effect she had on me and how much I appreciate the growth she has brought about these past few months, the joy she raised inside me, the trust I have in her to live her life to the fullest as she continues to grow as a person, a parent, and someday someone's partner.
I don't know what my future holds but I have some unfinished dreams that I hope to see come true someday.......some I've shared on the blog and some I've talked about one on one with people...and a few I recently came to see as possible........maybe those will still happen..........
Dinner with the daughter
May 20/2015
Today's song is "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam
I think the lyrics sum up perfectly how I've been feeling the past few weeks.
Last night I had dinner with my daughter which of itself isn't all that shocking but the fact that I'm blogging about it really is as I've tended to not talk about her that much in the blogs, not because I feel any less for her than I do her brother but more from a sense of letting her have her privacy as she charts her way into adulthood. Now you may ask why I don't extend the same courtesy to my son and the best answer I have is that his path isn't set yet and I tend to interact with him more than I do her as he still needs some dad advice whereas most days my daughter turns to her mother for such things.
It used to bother me that I wasn't her first choice when she needed to talk but one day I realized that when there is something heavy weighing on her that she does turn to me to talk about things, not have me provide her with an answer but more to be her sounding board and allow her the time to reach her own conclusion and find the path that best suits her needs. I think it was with her that I learned the difference between listening to a person and really hearing the message they are sending. Hopefully you understand the context of that last sentence and if not please think about it as it is really important in how you interact with a person, especially someone you may feel close too.
My daughter turns 26 this week and because there is a family birthday dinner planned for the actual day we moved our own dinner up to last night so I could see her, tell her how much I love her, and spend some one on one time together with out any distractions. I grilled up some steaks and we watched the season premier of "The Bachelorette" and generally had a pretty nice time. She was even patient with my repeated question as to who was who on the show lol
When I was getting dinner ready there was a moment that made me pause and reminded me that not everything is peaches and cream with me these days. It came when I asked her to get the butter out of the fridge for the green beans while I was pulling the roasted potatoes out of the oven and she laughed and made a comment about the nice bottle of champagne she saw in the back of the fridge and said she was surprised to see one in my house. There is a running joke, well the joke is really on me if truth be told, that I should never be around champagne as it is literally my own private kryptonite and renders me powerless, not in the sense that I can't do anything but more along the lines that if someone suggests something to me I tend to take it as instructions.....not always to my own best interests if you know what I mean lol
I didn't answer her right away and she turned to find me staring out of the kitchen window thinking about how that particular bottle came to be in my house, she asked me what was wrong and I shook my head and told her nothing, that she just reminded me I needed to return it. She laughed again and said she was pretty sure you can't return bottles to the LCBO and I told her I meant to C as she had bought it to see if it really was my weakness as I'd confessed that to her on our first date back in November. She tried to change the subject by saying how good the potatoes smelled and I sort of sighed and said it was another reminder of C as he had taught me to dice them as I did and the perfect blend of seasonings to use on them. I looked back out the window and it dawned on me just how many little things serve as reminder of the impact a person can have on you that you don't see at the time. My daughter came over and gave me a hug and asked me how I was doing, I told her fine, and she said to me "No dad, I mean how are you really doing?" and for only the fifth time I shed tears in front of my daughter as I let the hurt and loss overwhelm my heart, the other times being the passing of my mother, the birth of my son, the day he came home from CHEO back in 2010 after his brain surgeries, and the day she graduated from high school.
She hugged me tightly and reminded me of what I'd told her in the past about allowing oneself to let the feelings out, that time does heal all wounds, and that I would come out of this stronger for having allowed myself to care about someone. I smiled down at her and asked her when she got so smart and she just smiled back and told me she'd had a couple of good role models growing up......
After dinner and the end of the show we shared some birthday cupcakes and as she was getting ready to leave she softly kissed me on the cheek and told me that I didn't know what the future holds so the best thing I could do was to take things one day at a time and remind myself of all the good times I've experienced over my life and ways I can add to them going forward.
As I watched her drive away I wondered when had the child become the parent and I knew at that moment that whenever she is blessed with children of her own that they'll be in good hands.......
Today's song is "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam
I think the lyrics sum up perfectly how I've been feeling the past few weeks.
Last night I had dinner with my daughter which of itself isn't all that shocking but the fact that I'm blogging about it really is as I've tended to not talk about her that much in the blogs, not because I feel any less for her than I do her brother but more from a sense of letting her have her privacy as she charts her way into adulthood. Now you may ask why I don't extend the same courtesy to my son and the best answer I have is that his path isn't set yet and I tend to interact with him more than I do her as he still needs some dad advice whereas most days my daughter turns to her mother for such things.
It used to bother me that I wasn't her first choice when she needed to talk but one day I realized that when there is something heavy weighing on her that she does turn to me to talk about things, not have me provide her with an answer but more to be her sounding board and allow her the time to reach her own conclusion and find the path that best suits her needs. I think it was with her that I learned the difference between listening to a person and really hearing the message they are sending. Hopefully you understand the context of that last sentence and if not please think about it as it is really important in how you interact with a person, especially someone you may feel close too.
My daughter turns 26 this week and because there is a family birthday dinner planned for the actual day we moved our own dinner up to last night so I could see her, tell her how much I love her, and spend some one on one time together with out any distractions. I grilled up some steaks and we watched the season premier of "The Bachelorette" and generally had a pretty nice time. She was even patient with my repeated question as to who was who on the show lol
When I was getting dinner ready there was a moment that made me pause and reminded me that not everything is peaches and cream with me these days. It came when I asked her to get the butter out of the fridge for the green beans while I was pulling the roasted potatoes out of the oven and she laughed and made a comment about the nice bottle of champagne she saw in the back of the fridge and said she was surprised to see one in my house. There is a running joke, well the joke is really on me if truth be told, that I should never be around champagne as it is literally my own private kryptonite and renders me powerless, not in the sense that I can't do anything but more along the lines that if someone suggests something to me I tend to take it as instructions.....not always to my own best interests if you know what I mean lol
I didn't answer her right away and she turned to find me staring out of the kitchen window thinking about how that particular bottle came to be in my house, she asked me what was wrong and I shook my head and told her nothing, that she just reminded me I needed to return it. She laughed again and said she was pretty sure you can't return bottles to the LCBO and I told her I meant to C as she had bought it to see if it really was my weakness as I'd confessed that to her on our first date back in November. She tried to change the subject by saying how good the potatoes smelled and I sort of sighed and said it was another reminder of C as he had taught me to dice them as I did and the perfect blend of seasonings to use on them. I looked back out the window and it dawned on me just how many little things serve as reminder of the impact a person can have on you that you don't see at the time. My daughter came over and gave me a hug and asked me how I was doing, I told her fine, and she said to me "No dad, I mean how are you really doing?" and for only the fifth time I shed tears in front of my daughter as I let the hurt and loss overwhelm my heart, the other times being the passing of my mother, the birth of my son, the day he came home from CHEO back in 2010 after his brain surgeries, and the day she graduated from high school.
She hugged me tightly and reminded me of what I'd told her in the past about allowing oneself to let the feelings out, that time does heal all wounds, and that I would come out of this stronger for having allowed myself to care about someone. I smiled down at her and asked her when she got so smart and she just smiled back and told me she'd had a couple of good role models growing up......
After dinner and the end of the show we shared some birthday cupcakes and as she was getting ready to leave she softly kissed me on the cheek and told me that I didn't know what the future holds so the best thing I could do was to take things one day at a time and remind myself of all the good times I've experienced over my life and ways I can add to them going forward.
As I watched her drive away I wondered when had the child become the parent and I knew at that moment that whenever she is blessed with children of her own that they'll be in good hands.......
Monday, May 18, 2015
Happiness is......
May 18/2015
Today's song is "Summer Dress" by July Talk
Yesterday my son had a soccer game with his new competitive team and I went and did the first of what will be many dad moments and watched him play not as his coach but as his dad and it was kind of cool. I forgot just how amazing he is on the pitch with a soccer ball at his foot and some fierce determination to impose his will on his opponent, something he shares in common with his equally amazing sister.
As well as playing for his own team he was asked to spare for the other U16 competitive team in the game right after his and while that team didn't play nearly as well as his own, he did manage a couple of great scoring opportunities while playing his more natural striker position.
I didn't get much of chance to talk with him post games as it is weekend with his mom and he was dead exhausted given how much time he'd been on the pitch so I gave him a fist bump and wished him a great week and told him I'd see him on Friday.
When I got home he sent me a text telling me he thought he played like crap with some weak defence and a couple of missed scoring chances. I thought about his message and instead of texting back I called to talk about it with him directly as I don't like when he gets down on himself as he as a very bad habit of being harder on himself than he deserves as well as feeling like he has let people down, pretty huge weights for anyone to carry let alone a sixteen year old.
We talked for about 15 minutes and I think he got the message I was trying to send, reminding him that it was only his teams second exhibition game and with the limited practices they've had due to some serious attendance issues not nearly as bad as he thought. He paused at the end and thanked me for my words and said he could always count on me to tell it like it is, which made me smile as the one thing I've never done is feed either of my children false praise.
About an hour after we hung up he sent me a text apologizing for not asking me how I was doing as he knows it's been kind of rough on me the last few weeks with the whole job and relationship losses still kind of fresh and raw. I responded that I was doing ok and that I appreciated him asking but that it wasn't his job to look after me but my job to look after him. His next text said he just wanted me to be happy and I assured him I was.
That got me thinking about happiness and it dawned on me that a lot of people view it as a destination and think it is something to strive for much like planning for a new car or vacation next year, but I think it is much more nebulous than that, more a state of mind feeling than a destination.
I think we experience various states of mind and happiness is but one of many, like sadness, euphoria, lust, anger, and boredom. Each of them serves a purpose in our lives and it is perfectly fine to feel each of them at various points in our lives, denying them is like saying the sun will rise in the West and set in the East, just not going to happen anytime soon.
So while I'm not happy at the moment I know there will come a time when I'll feel that way again, in the meantime I'll keep doing what I'm doing to keep my mind occupied while doing the whole job search thing and not let things get me down too much.
So be happy, be sad, be angry, be excited, but just keep on being...........
Today's song is "Summer Dress" by July Talk
Yesterday my son had a soccer game with his new competitive team and I went and did the first of what will be many dad moments and watched him play not as his coach but as his dad and it was kind of cool. I forgot just how amazing he is on the pitch with a soccer ball at his foot and some fierce determination to impose his will on his opponent, something he shares in common with his equally amazing sister.
As well as playing for his own team he was asked to spare for the other U16 competitive team in the game right after his and while that team didn't play nearly as well as his own, he did manage a couple of great scoring opportunities while playing his more natural striker position.
I didn't get much of chance to talk with him post games as it is weekend with his mom and he was dead exhausted given how much time he'd been on the pitch so I gave him a fist bump and wished him a great week and told him I'd see him on Friday.
When I got home he sent me a text telling me he thought he played like crap with some weak defence and a couple of missed scoring chances. I thought about his message and instead of texting back I called to talk about it with him directly as I don't like when he gets down on himself as he as a very bad habit of being harder on himself than he deserves as well as feeling like he has let people down, pretty huge weights for anyone to carry let alone a sixteen year old.
We talked for about 15 minutes and I think he got the message I was trying to send, reminding him that it was only his teams second exhibition game and with the limited practices they've had due to some serious attendance issues not nearly as bad as he thought. He paused at the end and thanked me for my words and said he could always count on me to tell it like it is, which made me smile as the one thing I've never done is feed either of my children false praise.
About an hour after we hung up he sent me a text apologizing for not asking me how I was doing as he knows it's been kind of rough on me the last few weeks with the whole job and relationship losses still kind of fresh and raw. I responded that I was doing ok and that I appreciated him asking but that it wasn't his job to look after me but my job to look after him. His next text said he just wanted me to be happy and I assured him I was.
That got me thinking about happiness and it dawned on me that a lot of people view it as a destination and think it is something to strive for much like planning for a new car or vacation next year, but I think it is much more nebulous than that, more a state of mind feeling than a destination.
I think we experience various states of mind and happiness is but one of many, like sadness, euphoria, lust, anger, and boredom. Each of them serves a purpose in our lives and it is perfectly fine to feel each of them at various points in our lives, denying them is like saying the sun will rise in the West and set in the East, just not going to happen anytime soon.
So while I'm not happy at the moment I know there will come a time when I'll feel that way again, in the meantime I'll keep doing what I'm doing to keep my mind occupied while doing the whole job search thing and not let things get me down too much.
So be happy, be sad, be angry, be excited, but just keep on being...........
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Some recent life changes
May 17/2015
Today's song is "Use Me" by Bill Withers
Well here we are at the tail end of the long weekend and my keyboard won out the fight and has me back blogging once more.
There have been many changes in my life since the last time I posted a blog and I thought I'd take this moment to share some before once more beginning the process of posting blog entries.
Let's see......back in March I took my first real vacation since it seems like forever, though my son resented that comment when I told him how much I was looking forward to it, but then he thinks spending a week down in Orlando is the perfect getaway and it is, for us as a father and son where I am completely focused on making sure he is having fun.
No, this vacation was spent at an all inclusive down in Jamaica with the wonderful woman who I was seeing, booked by her for us and I can't ever tell her how much that week meant to me, I think it literally saved my sanity as my work was driving me over the deep end. Nothing beats relaxing on the beach or by the pool, being plied with drinks, while sitting next to someone who really makes you think the sun won't ever sit. The lady shall remain nameless following my rule about not naming names with anything other then the first initial, in this case C.
April saw me attending a very formal function related to her career that required me to wear a tuxedo. Now I'm not one to get a big head about my appearance, if you saw a picture of me you'd better understand that line, but I have to say I wore that tux quite well. The night was a lot more fun than I expected as I was really nervous about all the people I'd be meeting and more than a bit nervous that I might say something that would reflect poorly on C as she holds a rather important position within her organization and has actually been given a promotion that is her dream assignment and one that will be the highlight of her career - that is all I'm going to say other than she worked hard for it, deserves it, and will kick ass in the new role.
April also begin a streak of some dark actions as my company finished a major review of it's worldwide operations and as I'm sure you can guess resulted in my own position being moved from Canada to the USA as part of the process. Now I knew it was coming as I'm smart enough to understand that when you move 90% of your sales from one country to another there isn't the same need for someone with my skill set but I was caught unaware by the timing.
April was also my son's 16th birthday and it reminded me just how much time has passed since he used to fall asleep on my chest as but a wee little thing, leaving me with a nice little pool of drool on my shirt. To this day the mere thought of that young man can bring me to tears as I don't know what I did in a prior life to earn the joy he's brought me along with his older sister but I thank the stars above every night before I go to sleep for another day spent being they're dad!
So they say things happen in 3's and May saw the second one come along when C had to make a decision about her life. See she is trying to sell her house as her new promotion requires her to move about an hour and a half away, won't include her own boys as they'll transition to their dad's due to school and some travel requirements she is facing, spend as much time with her son's as possible before the new position starts, find a new house, attend a language course that is mandatory for her career, complete another critical course she needs to stay on her career path, and take over her new very time consuming assignment. Something had to give and it was a pretty basic equation that the one thing that wasn't critical was a relationship with me. Now I don't say that glibly but rather as a statement of fact as I do my best not to kid myself.
I'll admit this one hit me harder than the job loss as I can find another one of those but finding someone you actually like, have some common interests with, enjoy the new interests she has brought into your life is pretty damn hard to do these days, much as my older posts attest too......
Is my world ending? No, but it has gotten a bit darker lately. Will it remain dark? No, as my kids are a huge source of support and continue to remind me that things happen for a reason and as my son told me on Thursday just before he went to bed "Remember dad, everything's going to be ok" and gave me a huge hug.
The hardest part is there are so many reminders of what I had around me that there are times my heart aches and I have to fight back the tears. Simple things like a picture, a home renovation show, or the way I prepare a meal as C was a great source of new meals and really worked on me to improve my eating habits.
I miss her and I'm sure that won't go away anytime soon but that's ok because it reminds me that anyone worth having is worth having strong feelings for and about, and I do, oh how I do.
I spent the weekend hoping I might get a call or text saying she made a mistake and wanted to see me but that is the romantic in me as I know she didn't make her decision lightly and she feels some of the same pain I am feeling.
A friend told me that maybe once she gets settled she might reach out to me but I don't see her as the kind of person to do that and thus am not holding out any hope as that will do nothing but prolong the pain I do feel and pain is only meant to be endured for a time before it does more bad than good.
Love might be bittersweet but I'd rather to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
C, you made me a better man and I thank you for that, truly wish you nothing but happiness, and hope you find someone who makes your heart skip a beat as you did mine............
Today's song is "Use Me" by Bill Withers
Well here we are at the tail end of the long weekend and my keyboard won out the fight and has me back blogging once more.
There have been many changes in my life since the last time I posted a blog and I thought I'd take this moment to share some before once more beginning the process of posting blog entries.
Let's see......back in March I took my first real vacation since it seems like forever, though my son resented that comment when I told him how much I was looking forward to it, but then he thinks spending a week down in Orlando is the perfect getaway and it is, for us as a father and son where I am completely focused on making sure he is having fun.
No, this vacation was spent at an all inclusive down in Jamaica with the wonderful woman who I was seeing, booked by her for us and I can't ever tell her how much that week meant to me, I think it literally saved my sanity as my work was driving me over the deep end. Nothing beats relaxing on the beach or by the pool, being plied with drinks, while sitting next to someone who really makes you think the sun won't ever sit. The lady shall remain nameless following my rule about not naming names with anything other then the first initial, in this case C.
April saw me attending a very formal function related to her career that required me to wear a tuxedo. Now I'm not one to get a big head about my appearance, if you saw a picture of me you'd better understand that line, but I have to say I wore that tux quite well. The night was a lot more fun than I expected as I was really nervous about all the people I'd be meeting and more than a bit nervous that I might say something that would reflect poorly on C as she holds a rather important position within her organization and has actually been given a promotion that is her dream assignment and one that will be the highlight of her career - that is all I'm going to say other than she worked hard for it, deserves it, and will kick ass in the new role.
April also begin a streak of some dark actions as my company finished a major review of it's worldwide operations and as I'm sure you can guess resulted in my own position being moved from Canada to the USA as part of the process. Now I knew it was coming as I'm smart enough to understand that when you move 90% of your sales from one country to another there isn't the same need for someone with my skill set but I was caught unaware by the timing.
April was also my son's 16th birthday and it reminded me just how much time has passed since he used to fall asleep on my chest as but a wee little thing, leaving me with a nice little pool of drool on my shirt. To this day the mere thought of that young man can bring me to tears as I don't know what I did in a prior life to earn the joy he's brought me along with his older sister but I thank the stars above every night before I go to sleep for another day spent being they're dad!
So they say things happen in 3's and May saw the second one come along when C had to make a decision about her life. See she is trying to sell her house as her new promotion requires her to move about an hour and a half away, won't include her own boys as they'll transition to their dad's due to school and some travel requirements she is facing, spend as much time with her son's as possible before the new position starts, find a new house, attend a language course that is mandatory for her career, complete another critical course she needs to stay on her career path, and take over her new very time consuming assignment. Something had to give and it was a pretty basic equation that the one thing that wasn't critical was a relationship with me. Now I don't say that glibly but rather as a statement of fact as I do my best not to kid myself.
I'll admit this one hit me harder than the job loss as I can find another one of those but finding someone you actually like, have some common interests with, enjoy the new interests she has brought into your life is pretty damn hard to do these days, much as my older posts attest too......
Is my world ending? No, but it has gotten a bit darker lately. Will it remain dark? No, as my kids are a huge source of support and continue to remind me that things happen for a reason and as my son told me on Thursday just before he went to bed "Remember dad, everything's going to be ok" and gave me a huge hug.
The hardest part is there are so many reminders of what I had around me that there are times my heart aches and I have to fight back the tears. Simple things like a picture, a home renovation show, or the way I prepare a meal as C was a great source of new meals and really worked on me to improve my eating habits.
I miss her and I'm sure that won't go away anytime soon but that's ok because it reminds me that anyone worth having is worth having strong feelings for and about, and I do, oh how I do.
I spent the weekend hoping I might get a call or text saying she made a mistake and wanted to see me but that is the romantic in me as I know she didn't make her decision lightly and she feels some of the same pain I am feeling.
A friend told me that maybe once she gets settled she might reach out to me but I don't see her as the kind of person to do that and thus am not holding out any hope as that will do nothing but prolong the pain I do feel and pain is only meant to be endured for a time before it does more bad than good.
Love might be bittersweet but I'd rather to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
C, you made me a better man and I thank you for that, truly wish you nothing but happiness, and hope you find someone who makes your heart skip a beat as you did mine............
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