My Daily Battle with Myself.....

Tuesday, May 26/15

Today's song is "Golden Slumbers" by The Beatles


I bet the title of this post has you wondering what my real topic will be about since I like to say one thing and mean something else, well rest assured that today's subject really is about the daily battle I have with myself, one I've had for as long as I can remember.

No, that isn't some reference to having a mental issue, but so what if it was, are we not able to be open with one another to discuss such things if one of us was actually facing those kinds of demons? I'd like to think we've evolved but I admit there are still those who think adults, and in particular men, have to grow up, be strong, and to quote my stepfather, grow a pair.

I'm sad that my mom didn't get to see grandson and thankful he was never exposed to the vitriol my stepfather was famous for dishing out. Actually, I would have never allowed that man near my children so I guess I'm really only sorry my mom isn't around for her grandchildren.

OK, sorry about that, seems like I sort of got off track there for a moment, happens when one tends to think about this, that, and a little bit of everything and just free form write his thoughts. Mea Culpa!

So what exactly do I mean by my inner battles?

That is easy to answer and difficult to reconcile at the same time.

Inside of me resides two kinds of person. One is a romantic who believes in love, romance, tenderness, commitment, and finding and being with the one. The counter to this romantic side is logic. Now my logical side is cold, hard, and rational. It doesn't want me to open up, to expose myself to people less it result in hurt, ridicule, and a sense of loss. To make this easier lets refer to the romantic me as RM and the logical me as LM.

RM & LM battle every single day over almost everything. Now I'm sure you're scratching your head or laughing at that last statement thinking to yourself that they can't argue every day but trust me when I say they do that they really do. Well, really LM fights with RM and it sees that as it's primary purpose less RM do something stupid like fall in love.  LM wasn't speaking to RM for a few days there last week but now he's back with a vengeance.

When I was dating C Romantic Me flourished and Logical Me was banished to the darkest depths of the emotional closet we all have and use as needed. Some people also refer to this closet as the place we store our baggage or even compartmentalizing one's emotions.

RM came out in how I expressed myself as I really saw things in a new light. Now I like my house but to be honest it has the same paint in all the rooms that it came with when I moved in 4 years ago. RM had started mentally nudging me to make some changes, to add some colour, to dare I say let my feelings show in a paint other than taupe.

RM had me rethinking my front and back yards and the layout of the walkway to my front door and possible changes to the side deck.

RM was looking at the things I eat and making subtle hints about adding some healthier choices to my diet and dropping some of the poorer choices I'd been making now for a few years.

RM loves a good movie that has a happy ending. RM is the part of me that makes me cry when the time is right, be it a movie, television show, line from a book, or lyrics from a song.

RM is all about the possibilities. RM believes that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  RM sees last minute trips to Dairy Queen for a soft serve cone or blizzard as critical to a relationship.

RM is the light that guides me in the darkest night as I try and find my way through life looking for friendship, love, and ultimately the One. RM is key to my happiness and reminds me that the line of J.P.'s from "Angels in the Outfield" that goes "It could happen" is far more true than most of us ever give credit.

LM doesn't like any of this and does it's best to show me the ugly truth about people and life. It reminds me for every sappy ending to a movie someone gets hurt along the way. LM doesn't like any colours other than black and white as that's how it sees the world. LM will point out that it's almost closing time or raining too hard to make that drive to DQ. LM thinks losing in love is pointless and tries to keep me from trying to reach out when the mood strikes me.

LM reminds me that love songs can make one feel hurt for the very reason that the writer actually did get hurt and chose to put that pain into words in order to share the pain.

RM likes Taylor Swift for the romance and LM likes her for calling out all of her former boyfriends in her lyrics. Probably the only time I can think of when the two agreed on something.

Logical Me has been having a field day reminding me of just how much I've been hurting lately, the paralysis I've felt over C, and that I'm better off not thinking about her and getting on with my life, my very single and not committed life.

Romantic Me took a break to recharge his batteries but came back with fury today. RM reminded me that while I may be hurting that nothing has been written in stone, this last chapter of this book hasn't been penned yet. RM reminds me that when I am open to love and being honest with myself and those around me my sense of calmness is so large that almost nothing gets me down.

Romantic Me has been countering the hurt with random acts of kindness whenever the situation presents itself the past few days. Romantic Me is forgiving. Romantic Me embraces new chances and doesn't hold a grudge.

Romantic Me awaits a text message and won't listen as Logical Me says not to bothering holding my breathe for it.

So while I am composed of both romance and logic, that while they may war for control of my emotions, that logic wants my brain to win out over my heart,  I chose love. I chose romance. I chose the opportunities that life has yet to bring me.

We all have these inner battles. The key to make sure you side with the one that has your real best interests at heart, and when think of it doesn't romance involve the heart..........