Sunday, May 24, 2015
Today's song is "Flickers" by London Grammar
The past few days have been kind of rough as I've been doing that whole introspection thing and I still can't make heads or tails of what happened with my relationship.
Maybe the reason I was given for the breakup is real but there is a huge part of me that feels like there was something else and that kind of makes me angry as I think I deserve to know how things went from a vacation in Jamaica, being her date at her organizations annual ball, a house hunting trip around her new position, to talking about how we'll handle the long distance to not being ready for a relationship or having enough time for one.........
It is this not knowing that has me sleeping no more than a few hours a night and keeping my mind racing all over the place exploring all the options, sometimes I wish I drank more so that I could just drown the sorrow and confusion and than I mentally kick myself for the thought as that would just bring on a whole new set of problems.
Will I get over this and once more take forward steps? Absolutely! But I think this is going to take me more time than I originally thought as I didn't really understand the depth of my feelings or the hole in my heart that needs time to not only heal but once more allow anyone to get close. You see by nature I am a loner and the mere fact that C was able to get close says a lot about her and what I thought she brought to the table.
I can't count the number of things each day that remind me how much she impacted my life.
Was I not man enough? Her line of work has some of the most extreme Alpha males so there was always a little insecurity lurking inside me that I didn't compare to the men she sees on a daily basis, but I always tried to remind myself that she contacted me first and used that to assuage my fears.
After our first date I didn't think I was good enough for her and tried to push her away but her first question to me was "are you breaking up with me?" and it dawned on me that after one date there really was something clicking between us and maybe I needed to give myself and us a chance so we spoke for a few hours and made the move to continue seeing one another until one day out of the blue as we were saying our goodbyes at the end of a telephone call I said those magic words "I love you" and then there was a very long pause by both of us.....me not because I didn't mean it but for the simple realization that it felt so right to say and her, well maybe there was some shock on her end but I can't say so for sure. She did eventually say the same words back to me so I think it was good.
There are mornings I get up and think to myself I need to send her a text wishing her a good day like we used to exchange or that I haven't heard from her saying she'd gotten to work ok and hoping I had a great day when it slowly dawns on me that isn't happening anymore and I have to put my cell phone back down on the counter.
We didn't even have a fight, like not once that I can recall. Hell, I don't think we even had any disagreements and yet one day it was all over, that is what makes it so hard to understand and accept. Maybe accept isn't the right word as it does take two to make a relationship so in the end I have to accept it but it doesn't make it easier to swallow.
I think back and it feels like I saw a better future with C than I did with my ex and that both surprises me and makes me happy as it means my love wasn't misplaced at all. I moved over three thousand miles to be with my ex and there were times I admit I wondered if I'd made a mistake but I hung in there and ended up with a couple of amazing kids where with C that wasn't really an option, both our choices, and yet the future I saw with her made me feel far more relaxed and calm than I ever saw myself with my children's mother.
I've never been one to think too far ahead and yet with C this just seemed to come naturally. I didn't worry about having to be with her 24/7 as she has her own life and we seemed comfortable doing our own things when we couldn't be together, there wasn't this pressure to spend every free second with one another that I think puts a lot of strain on a new relationship. But at the same time I relished my time with her and found it so easy to just relax and do the little things that make a real relationship like getting groceries or even cutting the lawn. I wanted to do things with and for her not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to do things that would make her smile and take a something off her list. I guess you can say I fully participated in a relationship for the first time as I'm sure my ex would confirm that wasn't me in our marriage, and yes I feel bad about that as well.
In the past I've blogged that love brings both pain and joy, that it shows you that you are alive through the emotions it makes you feel, and that is so damn true as I feel all of them right now.
I had a girlfriend just two weeks ago and now I don't, it sucks so damn much and there isn't much I can do about it.
I want to call her but I can't do that as it isn't what she wants.
I want to wake up next to her and see the morning smile she used to flash me but those are now nothing more than memories.
I miss her and wonder if I even cross her mind anymore......
That might sound harsh but from what I can tell she has kept herself busy with friends and getting ready for her big move, things I thought I'd be helping with but not now.
I've read this posting twice now and almost deleted it to write another but I've tried to be honest with my feelings and though it doesn't paint me in a very good picture it does reflect how I feel these days.
Time will heal my wounds and I'm counting on it as I'm in love but need to let go so the heart can heal and maybe once again skip a beat, skip a beat for a smile, skip a beat for a whispered word in my ear, skip abeat for the touch of a hand, or the brush of lips against mine, but skip a beat once more it shall..........
My name is Marcus and this is my ongoing blog about being a single dad, dating, loving, getting over things, and moving forward with my life.
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