Wednesday, July 13/16
Sunday was an interesting day in that in the middle of a store I felt an intense wave of anger and it took me a moment to understand what triggered it.
So as I blogged Friday was all about the golf but Sunday was all about feeling the anger and letting it go, hopefully once and for all.
I got up a little late on Sunday and after doing a few chores and taking Moki for a nice walk in the park I headed over to Ikea as there was this desk blotter I'd seen the last time I was there with my daughter that I've convinced myself will look really nice on my desk. Spoiler alert, it looks awesome and makes me feel cool.
Now I normally love me a good walk through Ikea as there is almost always something I come across that I need or can use in my house. Usually I have a nice little bounce in my step when wandering around and this time everything just seemed off and left me feeling really uneasy. You know that feeling you get when you just know something unpleasant is going to happen and there isn't damn thing you can do to avoid that oncoming disaster, well that was how I felt and it just slammed me out of the blue and I couldn't quite put a finger on the trigger point.
Well I took a moment and sat down on a couch and sort of let my mind go and took in all the sights around me and it dawned on me there were couples all over the place, literally in any direction I looked, checking things out, measuring items, talking about colours and styles, kidding around with one another, holding hands, and just basically being part of something greater than themselves individually.
As I took all this in I felt that anger building in me and was really confused as to why I was feeling that particular emotion before realizing that it was anger at not having something that I was given after refusing to seek it out.
When my marriage ended it hurt, the loss of my family was pretty damn intense and the only thing that saved me was getting some counseling that helped me see that while I was a participant in the ending of a relationship, I was one of two and it took both of us to make it work and both of us to stop trying that led to it's ending.
I didn't date for almost the first two years after the separation and it was for a number of reasons, primary being my son and wanting to spend as much time with him when he was with me and secondary being an unwillingness to put myself in a situation where I could get hurt again.
When I did decide to start dating I held back and never let myself become fully invested in the process, always backing away before things got to serious, that moment of truth when you take the next step in the process, that act of intimacy. It's not that I didn't enjoy those moments but I held back and denied myself, slowly over time convincing myself that I didn't need those kinds of complications in my life, that somehow free time spent golfing, taking walks, watching and coaching my kids in sports, reading books, listening to music, and watching movies was more than enough to satisfy my needs.
This strategy worked for me, for many years I was able to fool myself into thinking I was complete and happy following this path.
Until you came into my life and showed me what love, yes the dreaded L word, could bring me and what I could bring you. You didn't just come into my life you came in like a banshee and woke up all my repressed feelings, leaving me floundering like a virgin, showing me what it was like to be part of something bigger than just myself. You took me from being happy as is to wondering what life might hold if I was willing to follow you around as your career progressed, something I had never once contemplated before in my life. The touch of your hand on my shoulder as you walked past sent shivers up my spine, the brush of your lips on my cheek gave me goose bumps, my emotions bursting to be felt and acknowledged like never before. I told you I loved you way sooner than I thought I would and even before you had expressed such feelings, heady new ground for this introvert.
Being around you made me come out of my shell in ways I never imagined possible. You teased me for calling myself an introvert but the truth is that is exactly what I was before I met you, somehow you changed me into an extroverted introvert, if such a thing makes sense.
And that was the basis for my anger. I missed those feelings, those times with you, and I just wanted to scream out "How fucking dare you change my life and than just walk away from us" I was happy before you came and stole my heart with your smile, infectious laugh, and that Goddamn twinkle in your brown eyes whenever you looked at me.
As I sat there I screamed these things deep inside and could feel my chest tighten as I knew that moment was critical to my survival and ability to move forward.
Over the past few weeks I've given thought to driving up and trying to talk you, to contacting your friend F on Facebook and asking her how you're doing, to just about doing anything to make contact as I've been feeling so lost these days. But I didn't do any of them nor will I. Not for fear of the response I might receive, lets be honest here and admit that nothing you say could make me feel worse than putting all this out there for the world to read, at least you have your anonymity whereas I post my name to these entries every single day.
So there I sat feeling real anger towards you for the very first time ever. Anger that is deserved and yet leaves me feeling slightly sullied, as if it is beneath me to admit this emotion. It frightens me a bit, knowing you breached my armour and were able to hurt me in this way. I'll get over it but the sad fact is that I doubt I'll ever be as open with someone as I was with you.
After a bit I was able to regain my inner calm and finished up my shopping, taking in all the couples around me and now adding a twinge of jealousy to my emotions as I know we once acted just as they were doing now around me.
I ended up going to play golf once I was done at Ikea and don't think I've ever hit a golf ball as hard as I did that round, it was very cathartic just letting my anger flow down my arms into my hands and feeling the club head explode against the golf ball over and over.
Monday was a blur at work and I played more golf, a full 18 at Glen Mar that saw me shoot a solid 89 and left me feeling a bit better.
Tuesday was soccer practice for my son's team and I just wasn't feeling it and almost bailed but ended up going so I could see him for a bit, he's with his mom this week, and help the lads prepare for our game this Thursday.
My role with this team seems to have evolved without my even knowing it from 2nd assistant to defacto head coach as the 1st assistant just defers all decision making to me. The good thing is that the lads seem to enjoy the coaching and my son has reassured me that he is more than happy to have me involved this season.
I had them working on some passing drills followed up with some crossing and shooting drills to remind them that it's ok to take a shot now and than, we seem to hesitate at this and it's costing them dearly so the reminders needs to be sent over and over to shoot and shoot again.
When practice ended my son came over and gave me a fist bump as he asked me what happened to me. I didn't understand the question and asked what he meant and he told me that I seemed more like my old self, less distracted, and happier with things. I sort of did a double take at that and pulled him in a for a hug and told him I was fine, that something that had been on my mind had been sorted out.
He smiled at me and asked if that meant I'd talked to C and I shook my head and said that wasn't happening and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like that was just my loss anymore.
He looked at me not sure what I meant and I took pity on him and said the anger I had for the breakup was out of me and it was time to move forward with life.
He asked if that meant I'd refuse to talk to her if she called or came by the house and I told him no, I'd talk to her but my life wasn't on hold waiting for that day to happen, I had too much to gain and wasn't waiting around for her anymore.
It's almost funny that the deep emotions I didn't know were inside me and controlling my responses to everything going on in my life were so obvious to my son and yet I was oblivious to them myself.
C, I'm still angry at you and hope someday you open up to me as to why you did what you did but I'm not waiting around on you anymore. I know we made each other happy but for some reason that wasn't enough for you and I hope you do find that with someone as we all deserve to love and be loved, you and me both more than some people I know.
Take care, be safe, keep those eyes open, and know that every time I hit a golf ball I'm reminded of you and that feeling you brought back into my life.
Semper Fi.....wrong saying but you get the drift
Marcus
I've been the man in the box these last few months and now I'm not so this song is pretty appropriate in my mind - Alice in Chains "Man In the Box"......great bass riffs and some interesting lyrics
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