Toothbrush

Sunday, July 10/16

Today's musical suggestion is also the basis of the blog: "Toothbrush" by DNCE


I was up early this morning which is unusual since I didn't get to bed until almost 2am this morning as I sort of got lost between reading and watching a documentary on Ronaldo Cristiano. Don't tell my son about the last one as he is a die hard Messi fan and would never forgive me for going over to the dark side, so to speak.

Moki and I did a nice little walk along the Trans Canada and while walking I had my ear buds in and listened to music, including today's song.

Prior to this morning I hadn't really paid much attention to the words but as we walked they sort of broke past my wandering mind and made it think about the things I still have at my place that were C's and wondered if any of the items I left at her place were still there or if she'd gotten rid of those reminders.

None of the stuff we'd left at each others place included clothing though I'd been getting ready to start leaving some stuff at her place as I was spending more time there than she was at my place and it seemed the natural evolution in the process.

It's kind of funny that we pretty much had some of the same things at each others place though each geared more to the others sexuality if you know what I mean.

I read somewhere that when a relationship ends you go through several phases and each can take anywhere from 2-4 months to complete. The first is phase covers the hurt you feel at the loss of the relationship and the attempts you make to try and get it back. The second phase is the anger stage and where you just seemed pissed off all the time at the perceived unfairness of it all. The third phase is what I would call the stage of neutrality and where you don't think so much about the other person nor do you really look outside your own immediate circle and envision moving on, it's sort of like being in a numb state of limbo, dull but not going to rock the waves the boat of life is resting upon. The final stage is where you awaken and begin to remember that life is something to be experienced and that is usually best done with someone who makes you smile and feel good inside.

These phases are passed through in order but a person can relapse into a previous phase should something act like a trigger point.  For myself, I think I've done the first three phases and slowly started to acknowledge the existence and desire to enter the last stage. I have my moments where I sort of revert to stage one but they are becoming fewer and farther apart, lasting less and less as time passes. I think it is this that has kept me from embracing the last stage as fully as I should as I worry not about myself but how unfair it might be to meet someone, like them , them like me, only to have a reminder of what was and be in a down mood for a bit, no matter how short a time it might be.

I sort of reverted back to phase one momentarily last weekend when I was driving home from my late Sunday round at Pakenham and noticed a black SUV pass me on the way down the valley to Ottawa. At first I didn't think anything of it but than it hit me that C drove the exact same model and maybe she was heading down to drop her youngest off at his dad's place. My heart literally exploded into a faster beat and I felt my stomach churn with butterflies. I debated on whether I should speed up and see if it was her or leave things alone. I ended up speeding up and while it was an attractive female driving the SUV it wasn't C. I can honestly say I felt a sense of relief as I don't know what I would have done if it had been her, make some weak assed wave saying hello or just stare straight ahead down the highway.

So in my one night stand is a small box with a toothbrush and other items that C left many months ago. I should dispose of them but somehow doing so feels wrong, not that I expect her to show up and be part of my life as I've accepted that isn't going to happen, yet the thought of disposing of those items makes me feel dirty and unworthy in some way.

How have you dealt with items left over after the end of a relationship and how did doing that make you feel? Did it give you a sense of liberation and help you move onto phase 4 or leave you feeling a bit sad? I think it might do both for me but not sure I'm ready to face the sadness just quite yet.

Marcus