Heavy is the.......

Wednesday, December 05/18

So in one of the episodes of The Crown Elizabeth is talking to her grandmother and she is told something that made me think about how that is true about love.....

"Heavy is the head that holds the crown"

I was laying in bed this morning when that phrase just popped into my thoughts but more along the lines of love and my interpretation goes something like this.....

"Heavy is the heart that has been broken"

We've all had our heart broken at one time or another and had that aching hollow feeling inside our chest where our heart used to reside.

More often than not it's been broken by someone else's action but there are those rare times we take an action that results in this pain being self inflicted, it's rare but does happen, most often when you know the decision to end things is for the best in the long run but know it's going to hurt like hell in the short run, exceedingly hurt like a mother fucker!!

I've been on both sides of that equation and neither side feels good. I hated having my heart ripped out by someone, hated ripping it out myself when I had to end something, and hated the pain I caused someone who I could no longer be with but who once meant something to me.

Sometimes the pain is transitory and other times it's like the damn thing puts down roots and won't let go no matter what you do.

I had transitory when my marriage ended and I was looking at starting fresh in life. Roots of a damn oak tree was what I went through when things went south with Corrine, being honest requires me to admit that I doubt all those roots have been dug up and removed just quite yet, though I've made enough progress to put myself back out there for another shot at the so called golden ring.

Now I'm the first to admit that the mere thought of putting myself back out there is enough to give me heart palpitations and not the good kind when you make eye contact with someone across a room and just feel that electric shock course through your body, and we've all had that so don't even think about playing dumb on this one folks as I'll call bullshit right away.

But I am doing just that, putting myself back in the game so to speak, as I've come to realize that I'd rather risk the possibility of getting hurt than sit on the sidelines and moan and bitch about how much I hate being alone, and I've come to realize more and more the last few months that I really do hate being alone, probably more than I hate the Toronto Maple Leafs and I loathe that organization to my very core so that's saying quite a bit.

So there may come a time, hopefully sooner rather than later as I'm not getting any younger, when I meet a nice woman who so catches my eye that I step out of my comfort zone and actually approach her to say something lame like "Hi, how are you doing today?" in the hope she might feel something in return and respond in a positive manner.

People always find it shocking to hear me describe myself as an introvert as they say I don't come across as introverted or shy in the least but it really is how I see myself. It's easier for me to talk in front of a room of 500 people than it is to just talk to one woman I find attractive.

I have no game when it comes to that oh so important first greeting and there are no do overs once you've put your foot in your mouth and have no hope of recovering.

Now having said that I am happy to be open once more to finding love and all it's wonderful intricacies, both small and large.

My name is Marcus and my heart is healed enough to allow someone to get close once again.