I struggle at the moment to write anything

October 28/13

I find myself struggling to write these past few days, not for want of a topic, nor for lack of desire to express myself, but yet I still struggle to put thought to page....

I feel as if there is a hole inside me consuming my energy and leaving me adrift, emotionless and spent. I know this is a false feeling as emotions race through me as fast as the messages can be transmitted from synapse to synapse.

I sat on my deck yesterday after cutting the lawn and raking the leaves and tried to figure out why I feel this sense of loss and came up with naught. My life is not empty as my children come and go in time spent with me, my work forces me to consider alternatives in dealing with new reporting structures and demands, and while I feel the last round has passed on the greens I know this isn't the cause of my dismay.

I wonder if this is the part of growing old alone that I have feared all along making its presence felt.

Is this what entropy in a human feels like?

Might this be my hearts way of telling me that the time and energy searching to find the one has been for nothing and I should possibly stop the effort and focus on the here and now?

There is a small part of me that weeps daily at the loss I feel, the loss of being alone, the endless times I make a meal that will only feed one, the times spent making one half of a bed slept in by one person night after night, the times I've wanted to shout out when in the kitchen "Hun, do you want a drink?"...................

Is this a phase that will pass with time or remain to remind me of what once was but shall be never more........

Has that half joked unofficial vow of celibacy become more reality than I ever dreamed possible?

Does the a fact that many a day passes without even the merest thought of physical comfort with a partner mean that part of me is dead, to never be awakened again.....

As I sit in my office staring at these words on the monitor, every now and than pausing to sip from the first weekday drink I have allowed myself in more years than I care to count, with the dog laying at my feet, I know that there are worse ways for my life to have gone and yet I resist the thought that this is all I have left to face day by day........

Tomorrow will bring new opportunities to reassert my will to experience love and romance, the hope is that the will to meet them presents itself once more........


It has been awhile since I made any musical recommendations and guess maybe it is time I resume that pursuit so here is one to listen to and ponder....it seems to reflect my mood quite well today

Here With Me by Susie Suh & Robot Koch

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