Friday, June 03/16
The following entry was inadvertently posted before it was done as it looks like I accidentally clicked on publish versus save when I was reviewing it.......I am still working on it and hope to complete it this weekend.
*********************************************************************************
Sunday, May 29/16
I never imagined there would come a blog entry that I would find so difficult to post let alone even have to mentally compose and possibly survive.
One thing I've always told my kids is that talking about things is much better than keeping them inside and it came as a horrible realization that I've been really good at talking the talk and not actually walking the walk when it comes to this. Christ, I've been dreading this moment so much that I can actually feel the tears ready to roll down my cheeks.
Originally this entry was written in my normal style of one paragraph followed by another but I've decided to break it into each component day starting with lucky Friday the 13th.
So here goes nothing...........
Friday, May 13/16
The week had been crazy with insane deadlines from corporate, dealing with the team at work, balancing time with my son making sure he was doing good and staying current with his school, all the while trying to find some inner sense of peace and coping with the sense that something was just off kilter.
Friday was the start and couldn't come quickly enough as I'd managed to book the afternoon off and planned on getting in a warm up round before my game with B on Saturday up at Timber Run. I scored a tee time for 3pm at Glen Mar and played pretty well with the exception of my short game as I wasn't able to dial in my wedges distance wise and couldn't read a green if my life depended on it, both annoyed me as in the past my short game was my strength but so far this year I've been good off the tee and struggling from the 100 yards and in. Even as I was playing I had a feeling that something just wasn't right thought I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time.
When I got home I cleaned up my clubs and made sure the batteries were charged on my GPS as I really need the help in determining distances these days, even more important as I'm still not 100% comfortable with my distances with my Ping G30 irons as one day I seem to hit the 7 a nice 150 yards and the next I'm lucky to get it 140 yards, which may not seem like a big deal but that 10 yard difference might be the distance I need to earn only my second sub 90 round.
I checked my emails and saw a message from someone I had chatted with on eHarmony asking if I was free to meet for a drink on Saturday so I let her know I should be free anytime starting after 3pm and waited for a response. We ended up exchanging cell numbers and settled on a place and time with a few texts. I really had no set expectations about the whole meet for a drink but my daughter was happy for me when I replied to her text with the details when she asked me what I was doing post golf on Saturday. My kids know that Saturday mornings means golf for dad so they don't even bother asking what my plans are until the afternoon. See sometimes being predictable can be a good thing.
I was in bed asleep well before 10pm as we had a 9:04 am tee time and it's about a 45 minute drive from my place to the course and I wanted to make sure that Moki got a good walk before I left, that I had some breakfast, and arrived with enough time to work on my putting. I'm notorious for arriving literally minutes before a tee time and than having that rushed feeling on the first tee that normally results in a nice big fat double bogey on the first hole, something I've vowed to eliminate this season and so far so good.
Saturday, May 14/16
I woke up early and got Moki down to the park and did our usual thing and let Moki off her leash as she's trained enough to listen to my commands and not take off running around. As we made our way down the walkway I noticed she was stopping every now and again and just watching me as I caught up with her, now usually I've got to remind her to wait up but it was almost as if she was keeping an eye on me for some reason but I didn't think too much about it as she is kind of clingy at times and I just wrote this off to her knowing I was leaving soon and trying to get some extra attention.
I beat B to the course and was able to work on some short wedges as well as my putting before he arrived and we teed off on the first. Now this was a new course for both of us so we took our time at each tee to try and see the lay of the hole and make note of any areas to avoid as while I love new courses I also find them kind of hard the first time as you have no clue about any of the holes.
We didn't play too bad nor did we shoot the lights out, no we pretty much played as expected for a first time but it just seemed like I was struggling with all of my shots, feeling slightly off key if you will, though my score didn't reflect anything bad.
As we made the turn from the front nine to the back and I was getting ready to tee off on the 10th hole B looked over and asked me what was bothering me, sort of surprising me with the question as I didn't think anything was and told him so, he responded by telling me to look down at my grip on my driver. when I looked down I noticed my hands were white from how hard I was gripping my club.
In the past I've had what is termed a dominant right hand grip in that my right hand slides so that my palm is aligned to the club shaft facing my intended target and almost always results in a closed club face and wicked hook. I was able to overcome this tendency about 2 years ago but one characteristic of it was my hands would turn white from the strong grip and this is what I saw when I looked down.
He moved over and told me to take a moment and he'd tee off. I went and stood by the cart and tried to figure out what had me gripping the club so hard that my hands went white and actually tingled a bit. I took some deep breathes and relaxed a bit so that when I did hit my driver I crushed the longest drive of my life and it must have sailed a good 325 yards leaving me with a very workable mid iron to potentially set up a birdie opportunity.
B looked at me as if to say what was up, I shrugged my shoulders to say I had no clue, and he told me if getting me to step back was going to lead to those kind of drives he wasn't going to say anything more and let me shank my drives.
I made my par to his bogey and we proceeded to the tee box for #11 and as I walked up to survey the short par 3 I just stood there staring at the hole. As B walked up next to me with his own Garmin GPS to check the distance for himself I turned and looked back at the 10th hole and than once more at the 11th hole before muttering to myself "fuck me"
B looked at me as if to say what now and I told him "I've played this hole before" upon which he laughed and said that would be hard to have done since this was my first time on the course.
I looked back at the 10th and said "Not only have I played this hole but I've played the 10th as well"
He looked at me like I'd been drinking so I looked back at the 11th and said "The hole plays right to left from the elevated tee about 138 yards with a large pond in front, no room to overshoot the green, with a bail area out to the right if one is too chicken to take on the green. The last hole played about 460 yards left to right down a valley to an elevated green. We just played the 10th and 11th holes at Petawawa"
He looked from the 11th back to the 10th and than at me. "Are you sure?"
"Absolutely, I played those holes double digits last summer while visiting C and would know that layout if I was blindfolded"
He stared at me for a moment said that explained why I looked so angry the last few holes.
He was right, I was angry and could feel it building up inside me as things started to fall into place.
Now my false feelings from last night made sense as last summer I used to get off work early on my single weekends, go home and grab my clubs, travel bag, and Moki before heading up the valley to spend the weekend with C and I must have been having some subconscious memories on Friday.
We didn't talk much the rest of the round as B sensed I was dealing with some feelings and gave me my space. I think I ended up shooting a decent 46 on the back but couldn't tell you for certain as I left the scorecard on the cart when I turned it in.
As we said our goodbyes in the parking lot he looked at me and said "You've got some serious shit to deal with about C or it's going to eat you alive" I smiled wanly and said "That's easier said than done my friend"
As I drove home through Carleton Place it struck me that with my luck I'd cross paths with C's ex or her sons as they live in the area, just another reminder of how badly I'd fucked up"
I got home around 1:30 and took Moki for another walk and even though I let her off the leash she stayed by my side almost as if to let me know she was there for me.
Once back at the house I tried calling my ex to ask her when we were going to go look at cars for our son. She answered and said she was just thinking about calling me but could she do so in a few minutes as she was busy. I told her of course and hung up. About a minute later my son texted me that they were out looking at cars and than sent me another saying they'd bought a car. Now you can imagine how that came across since I was going to be paying for half.
He followed that up with a picture of his mom behind the wheel of a car. I can't begin to tell you how pissed off that made me feel and I told myself to calm down or I was going to blow a gasket. When his mom called me a few minutes later she had me on speaker phone and before I could lose my shit she said "please tell me you didn't fall for your son's joke?" and I could hear him in the background saying "J pranks, J pranks" while laughing with his girlfriend.
I responded with "J grounded, J grounded" and heard everyone laugh in response. She told me she'd warned him not to joke around about it but I know how he is and should have known better.
They had test driven both a Hyundai and a Mazda. He liked the Hyundai but loved the Mazda and his mom liked the Mazda as it offered more safety features. She asked me if I could take him over on Tuesday and test drive it for myself and I reminded her he had his first soccer practise on Tuesday but maybe Monday would work. She told me the sales rep was off on Monday and as a side fact that he was the brother of our daughters b/f. I told her I'd see about going now and texted K to see if I could put our drink meeting off from 3:30 to 4:30 explaining why. She was cool with it and we reset for 5pm.
So off I went to Kanata Mazda to meet J and see about a Mazda3. I liked the safety features as outlined by J and think the car looked nice but the test drive is what really sold me on the car.
Now I've been on more than a few test drives in my life but none ever had me gripping the safety strap for dear life before as J demonstrated how the car easily handled on a wet and gravelly road as an example of how well it will do on a slick and snowy road come this winter. J looked over at me and laughed as he told me not to worry, Mazda shows them just how far they can push a car during a test drive. Now that may be but I do wonder if they advise the sales rep to bring some wet wipes for those of us who almost soil ourselves. Of course I jest with that comment but I did walk away from the test drive with the feeling that should something happen to my son while he's driving I sure as hell want him in that model as it left me feeling like it offered the best protection. Period. End of story.
I drove from the dealer over to D'Arcy McGee's to meet K for a drink. I got there a bit early and settled into a booth, ordered a cold one, and sent my son a text giving him my feedback on the car and let him know I really liked it and think it was the perfect car for him. As I read his happy response K arrived and we got to chatting.
I'm really not into the whole meet and greet drink date thing but had vowed to give it a real chance as it was time to begin moving forward with my life.
We sat there having a drink and talked. Talked about what we do for a living, our kids and how they make us equally happy and mad, about what we were looking for in life. All the usual stuff you talk about when first meeting someone. This was one of the few times that it didn't come across feeling like an interview of some type and I can say without any doubt I was enjoying the ebb and flow of the conversation.
Things were going good up until the moment K asked the question.
I was sitting there taking a sip of my drink, watching our server approach from behind K when she asked me the question "When was the last time you had sex?"
I almost choked on my drink when she asked and the server stood there smiling at me as she said "I was going to ask if there was anything else I could bring either of you but think I'll wait for the answer to the ladies question" and almost half laughed in unison with K.
I wiped my mouth and replied "Nice try but I think we're good"
With a glint in her eye she looked me square in the eye and said "Oh, I'm sure you are" and walked off to check on her other tables.
I looked over at K and could see her smiling at me as she waited for me to respond to her question.
"That is an interesting question to ask on a meet and greet, isn't that usually a second or third date question"
"You are an interesting man but there is something just under the surface that makes me wonder"
"Makes you wonder?"
"Wonder what makes you smile and get out of bed in the morning"
"Well usually the alarm or my dog bugging me to take her for a walk"
"Cute but you know that isn't what I meant. So when was the last time you had sex?"
I sat there and flashed back to October and looked away out the window to gather my thoughts
She seemed to take my action as hesitation and laughed as she said "Was it that bad you can't remember?"
"No, actually it was exceptional just like it had been each and every time prior to the last time"
I don't think she'd been expecting that for an answer as she just stared at me. After a moment she asked me what happened that made it end.
I took a swallow of my drink and smiled as I told her "I don't know and wish I did as it still haunts me to this day"
She looked a little puzzled as she asked me "What do you mean you don't know, how is that possible?"
I sighed and explained what I thought had happened that fateful week just before Halloween and she shook her head as she listened to me. Recapping those fateful days doesn't get easier with the passing of time
She asked if I wanted her to reciprocate with her own time and I politely declined as I didn't think it was any of my business. She seemed a bit flustered by this and asked why I answered the question in the first place if that was how I felt about it. I kind of chuckled and said it was due to my children, how when they were younger I told them they could ask me any question they had and I'd answer them honestly and went onto explain that I pretty much tried to follow that process in my every day life.
She smiled and wondered out loud if doing that ever got me into trouble by being asked the wrong question to which I laughed and said like being asked when the last time was that I had sex right....
We chatted a bit more and around 7pm decided to call it a night. I walked her to her car and she played with her keys a bit, a sign I've come to learn that women utilize to kill for time and allow the male to lean in for a kiss, and told me she'd enjoyed our drink date and would love to hear from me again but she got the feeling I wasn't feeling it back.
I half smiled and said I thought I was ready for this after six months but that one question brought it up all over for me again and I didn't want to lead her on. She reached up and softly put her hand on my cheek and said she was sorry for causing me to feel the hurt again. I gave her a quick hug and said I don't think it had ever left. She told me if I ever wanted to just talk to give her a call and she'd be more than happy to talk about it or anything else. As she got into her car she looked over her shoulder at me and said she hoped the other woman knew what she had lost in me............
I went to my car and just sat inside it wondering when I was going to be over this and almost gave into making the drive up the valley but couldn't bring myself to falling that far.
When I got home I let Moki out in the backyard and stood on the back of the deck to watch as she ran around with the carefree abandon she loves to display when she is outside.
I got her a treat when we went inside and did something I rarely do by pouring myself a very stiff drink. Sitting down on the couch with the lights off and rain gently falling outside I just watched as people and cars went past sipping my drink as I did......not sure what snapped me out of it but eventually I went to change and made myself a bite to eat before trying to drown my emotions in another drink and Netflix. Eventually I headed off to bed and the endless battle with Moki as to who really owns the bed in my room and thus gets the majority of the space, sadly I lost out to a small puppy, as it seems I do most nights.
Sunday, May 15/16
The morning sun broke through the crack in my curtains to awaken me and remind me I wanted to do a few things before deciding if another round was in my cards. I shaved and showered before heading out to gas the car for the coming week and get the pitiful amount of groceries I go through during my bachelor week.
My phone chirped around 11am signaling a new text and I saw it was from K. She was asking how I was doing and once more apologized for the question, I told her I was fine and not to worry about it as it's part of the process. She asked if I was up for meeting for breakfast but I begged off as even the thought of making small talk left me feeling mentally exhausted. I told her I thought I was just going to lay low for a bit in regards to the whole dating thing and she let me know she understood and hoped I could get some resolution as being left as I was completely sucked.
I ended up going over to GlenMar around 2pm and played 27 holes as I literally had nothing else to do with my time and being home alone, albeit with Moki, wasn't something I was looking forward to as it just gives me way too much time to brood, something I think I've become way too good at the past few months.
When I got home I was physically drained and must have been in bed by 8:30 and slept the soundest sleep I've had in the past few months, only waking once when I heard Moki in the kitchen doing her usual middle of the night food bowl run.
That made me lay there and wonder what C did with the bed and dog food she'd had at her place. Small thoughts like that just seem to permeate my life on almost a daily basis.
Thursday, May 19/16
All week long I had been doing really well about bringing my lunch but today was one of those days I couldn't seem to get my act together in the morning and thus ran out of time before having to head off to work so I decided to kill two birds with one stone and grab a bite to eat and price a new grip for my putter at lunchtime.
Around 10 I turned around at my workstation when I heard A muttering to himself to find holding his reading glasses. I asked what was wrong and he said there was a screw missing in the hinge. I suggested he go down to the repair lab and see if they have any extras. He smiled at me as he stood up and told me he knew there was a reason he liked me. He was back in a few minutes with a frown and told me that the one screw he needed was one they didn't have on hand.
He asked me if I knew of any optometrists in the area and the only one I could think of was over by the Kanata Centrum and told him he could come with me at lunch as I was going to be right near it since Golf Town was in the same complex. He agreed and back to work we went.
Noon rolled around and we headed off to lunch. First stop was the optometrist and some quick repair work. We decided to have Harvey`s for lunch as it was located between the optometrist and Golf Town. As we ordered and ate our lunch we talked about the usual and he asked what my plans were for the long weekend, I told him it would probably include some golf on Saturday and that I was going to the putting clinic at Kevin Haime`s on Monday. He asked how I liked it there and I told him it was a really good and the same place I`d gotten fitted for clubs last summer.
He asked me which clubs I ended up buying and I told him the Ping G30`s at which he whistled asking if those were a tad bit on the high end price wise. I smiled and said they were around $1,100 and I`d never have bought them for myself, he asked than how did I end up with them and I said they were my birthday gift from C last summer.
He put his food down and looked me direct on as he asked "Wait a minute, you`re telling me she spent that kind of money on you and less than a month later breaks up with you?"
He made me tell him the whole story about what happened that week and when I finished he looked at me and said "I'm sorry but either you've left something out of how things went down that week or something else was going on with her as there is no way someone spends that kind of money on a boyfriend only to break up a month later, I don't care how much free cash they have"
I told him I wish I knew as the unknown was slowly driving me nuts. Maybe she ran into someone that week while in Ottawa and a flame reignited, that would suck for me but at least it's a reason other than "the relationship isn't giving me what I need".
He asked me how things were between us physically, saying he didn't want any details, and I said as far as I could tell they were great, she'd never given any indication she was unhappy with me in that area.
The first time she broke up with me I could sort of accept her logic as so much was going on in her life with the position change, selling her home, looking for a place in the valley, arranging the move of her household, and getting her sons resettled with their dad. I say sort of as I'd like to think when those things hit is when you turn to your partner for support instead of trying to carry that load yourself.
Now this time it is just plain fucked up!
I'd rather have the truth no matter how blunt or painful than get the line I got from her. I think I deserved better than the crap she fed me on the phone. Pretty sure if anyone who works for her tried to use such a line she'd ream them a new one and I know she'd never accept such a weak excuse from a guy breaking up with her.
But the rub to the whole thing is that there is nothing I can do but bend over and take it unless I want to do something dramatic, and by this I don't mean pull a John Cusack from "Say Anything" but go to see her at work or her home, neither of which is an option in my book as one gets me in trouble with the RCMP and the other just makes me come across as a weak and pathetic man. Which I'm sure is how this post paints me anyways.
We finished lunch and headed back to work skipping Golf Town as I'd lost interest in it at the moment.
As we got off the elevator he asked if that meant the door was closed to any communications with C moving forward and I sort of half laughed and said "No, I'm sure if she called I'd talk to her as I really felt something with her that I hadn't felt with anyone in a very long time"
C might have closed the door between us, possibly locking it as well but I like to think of that door as one between hotel rooms that can be locked or unlocked from both sides. It just takes one knock to possibly open a door.
So here I sit wondering where all this will lead and I don't really have an answer.
Over the course of the last few weeks a lot of things have happened in my life that I'd love to share but can't as it's now just me........well I do sort of share them in the blog but it's not the same as seeing her reaction face to face or hearing her voice as we talk about them.
There were many years where I've felt that I didn't need a relationship and I was ok with that as I was doing other things that kept me occupied but the truth is that it took falling in love to remind me how being part of a couple can enrich my life for the better.
I've been pretty good about not trying to know what was going on with C as knowing didn't help me deal with the loss but last night I gave into temptation and pinged her FB account to see a new picture of her with her sons from May that showed all of them looking happy and smiling, her smile melted my heart like usual, and it dawned on me that since all three were in the picture it means someone else had to have taken it..........so I guess I do have my answer after all and should put this to rest once and for all......................................
Apologies for the time it took me to finish this post but it isn't always easy to write about such an incredibly fresh and painful wound all at one time.
My name is Marcus and I once knew what love felt like. Love makes you smile, your heart beat faster, your eyes twinkle, and sometimes it leaves you feeling hurt and confused too.....but that's ok as it means the feelings were real and someday you might experience them once again.........it can happen
Monday, May 30, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2016
Weekend recap coming soon - Update to the Update
Monday, May 16/16
So it was a busy weekend with lots of golf, should be no surprise there right?
Played a new course and along the way had a bit of a moment that reminded me of the scene from the movie Network with William Holden.....
I'll update this entry later tonight with all that happened and my possible actions moving forward.
Marcus
Update Thursday, May 19/16
Apologies for the delay in getting this one posted but it's proving far harder than I thought when I started out writing it, I've prepared a post three times and none have felt right in my mind.
There are some raw emotions to express and part of me just wants to let them out as they flow and the more PC part of me says I can't say what I want to say the way I let it flow without offending some people....plus the rawness kind of hurts and I've had to step back more than once to compose myself lest the dark side engulf me emotionally, not something I want to experience and thus the delay.
There is a part of me that feels like once this gets posted I'll be taking a hiatus from the blog and yet another part that feels life might just continue as is without any further issues.
Guess time and the posting will tell on both those scores..................
Update Tuesday, May 24/16
Ok, this is almost getting to be downright ridiculous the time it's taking me to post one simple entry or so you'd think.....
But it's not really an easy one to think about, write, let alone post.
I've tried really hard since I started this blog to try and have a message when I post an entry and I'm struggling with the message on this one as it's more about some raw emotions and how it has slowly morphed into something I'm having a hard time dealing with. I thought the advent of summer would be beneficial to me but I'm really almost finding it to be the exact opposite and that has left me feeling like I just took a shot to the jaw.
I'm working on it bit by bit and maybe might have it done by the weekend, it's going to surely be the longest entry to date and more and more looking like the last one for a while as I try and digest my feelings and how I deal with them.
Marcus
So it was a busy weekend with lots of golf, should be no surprise there right?
Played a new course and along the way had a bit of a moment that reminded me of the scene from the movie Network with William Holden.....
I'll update this entry later tonight with all that happened and my possible actions moving forward.
Marcus
Update Thursday, May 19/16
Apologies for the delay in getting this one posted but it's proving far harder than I thought when I started out writing it, I've prepared a post three times and none have felt right in my mind.
There are some raw emotions to express and part of me just wants to let them out as they flow and the more PC part of me says I can't say what I want to say the way I let it flow without offending some people....plus the rawness kind of hurts and I've had to step back more than once to compose myself lest the dark side engulf me emotionally, not something I want to experience and thus the delay.
There is a part of me that feels like once this gets posted I'll be taking a hiatus from the blog and yet another part that feels life might just continue as is without any further issues.
Guess time and the posting will tell on both those scores..................
Update Tuesday, May 24/16
Ok, this is almost getting to be downright ridiculous the time it's taking me to post one simple entry or so you'd think.....
But it's not really an easy one to think about, write, let alone post.
I've tried really hard since I started this blog to try and have a message when I post an entry and I'm struggling with the message on this one as it's more about some raw emotions and how it has slowly morphed into something I'm having a hard time dealing with. I thought the advent of summer would be beneficial to me but I'm really almost finding it to be the exact opposite and that has left me feeling like I just took a shot to the jaw.
I'm working on it bit by bit and maybe might have it done by the weekend, it's going to surely be the longest entry to date and more and more looking like the last one for a while as I try and digest my feelings and how I deal with them.
Marcus
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Just an Observation.........
Sunday, May 15/16
Heroes by Scala & Kolacny Brothers
Yesterday I took the first small step on my road to emotional recovery and met someone for drinks.
This post isn't about or the exchange that took place over the following 3 hours but it might be fodder for a future entry, still haven't decided about that yet.
No, this post is a general observation about hero's.
Not sure how the talk turned to our prior relationships or the whole best date, worst date stories but it did somehow and that is what got me thinking about hero's.
Over the course of my dating life I've met teachers, nurses, a doctor, and a couple of members of the military. When the lady I was having drinks heard the last one she made a comment about how well the military must pay as there are more than a few who reside in Kanata, which by some standards is considered an upper middle to middle upper income class neighbourhood.
Now knowing what I know about the pay scales of the military she is somewhat right, the pay is not too bad and at some spots someone with equivalent work experience as myself with 20+ years in service might make 140% of what I make, which isn't too bad.
But the catch is that when I get done with an assignment the odds are I'm not going to jump when I hear a door slam thinking it's an IED going off, I'm not going to have flashbacks of someone I've served with being injured, maimed, or God forbid killed. I'm not going to come home and think I'm better off dead than dealing with day to day issues. And I'm not going to end up possibly being homeless and left as discarded by a government that is so short sighted as to fail to provide services for returning veterans.
No, I'm not going to do any of those things nor will I have to face the moral dilemma of having to stand up and place myself in harms way in order to protect all that I hold dear for my country, I won't have to be prepared to leave my home and spend upwards of a year or more away from my family, doing so because I know it's the right thing to do. I won't stand guard on the proverbial wall while the rest of society sleeps sound knowing me and my comrades are there for them.
Hero's come in many shapes, colours, and sizes. It's a term often loosely bandied about, sometimes for those who don't deserve it and once in a while applied to one's self by someone who is so far from being one that hearing the self proclaimed statement laying claim to it makes me want to throw up and punch them in the face.
Hero's put others safety first without thinking about the cost to themselves.
I've dated a few women who were hero's and they never once considered themselves one.
But they are. Oh they absolutely are!!
So next time you see a nurse, a doctor, a police officer, a teacher, a firefighter, or a member of the military have the courage to say thank you and shake their hand as you do as it is the very least they deserve from each of us.
My name is Marcus and if you can't stand behind the hero's please feel free to stand in front of them.
Update: May 15/16 @ 11:06 AM
I've received a message stating the following "We get it, you miss C but for the love of God please stop posting entries about her!"
I admit in my mind C is one of those hero's mentioned above but this post isn't about her or any attempt to get on her good side so she'll talk me again.
The post is about who I think is a hero and how much we owe them, emphasis on them and not one particular person. I'm at the stage where I can admit that ship has sailed and I'm moving on but that doesn't mean I can't and don't appreciate the sacrifices made by people.
Heroes by Scala & Kolacny Brothers
Yesterday I took the first small step on my road to emotional recovery and met someone for drinks.
This post isn't about or the exchange that took place over the following 3 hours but it might be fodder for a future entry, still haven't decided about that yet.
No, this post is a general observation about hero's.
Not sure how the talk turned to our prior relationships or the whole best date, worst date stories but it did somehow and that is what got me thinking about hero's.
Over the course of my dating life I've met teachers, nurses, a doctor, and a couple of members of the military. When the lady I was having drinks heard the last one she made a comment about how well the military must pay as there are more than a few who reside in Kanata, which by some standards is considered an upper middle to middle upper income class neighbourhood.
Now knowing what I know about the pay scales of the military she is somewhat right, the pay is not too bad and at some spots someone with equivalent work experience as myself with 20+ years in service might make 140% of what I make, which isn't too bad.
But the catch is that when I get done with an assignment the odds are I'm not going to jump when I hear a door slam thinking it's an IED going off, I'm not going to have flashbacks of someone I've served with being injured, maimed, or God forbid killed. I'm not going to come home and think I'm better off dead than dealing with day to day issues. And I'm not going to end up possibly being homeless and left as discarded by a government that is so short sighted as to fail to provide services for returning veterans.
No, I'm not going to do any of those things nor will I have to face the moral dilemma of having to stand up and place myself in harms way in order to protect all that I hold dear for my country, I won't have to be prepared to leave my home and spend upwards of a year or more away from my family, doing so because I know it's the right thing to do. I won't stand guard on the proverbial wall while the rest of society sleeps sound knowing me and my comrades are there for them.
Hero's come in many shapes, colours, and sizes. It's a term often loosely bandied about, sometimes for those who don't deserve it and once in a while applied to one's self by someone who is so far from being one that hearing the self proclaimed statement laying claim to it makes me want to throw up and punch them in the face.
Hero's put others safety first without thinking about the cost to themselves.
I've dated a few women who were hero's and they never once considered themselves one.
But they are. Oh they absolutely are!!
So next time you see a nurse, a doctor, a police officer, a teacher, a firefighter, or a member of the military have the courage to say thank you and shake their hand as you do as it is the very least they deserve from each of us.
My name is Marcus and if you can't stand behind the hero's please feel free to stand in front of them.
Update: May 15/16 @ 11:06 AM
I've received a message stating the following "We get it, you miss C but for the love of God please stop posting entries about her!"
I admit in my mind C is one of those hero's mentioned above but this post isn't about her or any attempt to get on her good side so she'll talk me again.
The post is about who I think is a hero and how much we owe them, emphasis on them and not one particular person. I'm at the stage where I can admit that ship has sailed and I'm moving on but that doesn't mean I can't and don't appreciate the sacrifices made by people.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Some Sayings To Make You Smile
Wednesday, May 11/16
Happy Hump Day!!
My day has started off on the wrong foot as once again the multitude of consultants working on the buyout have made a complete hash of things and managed to misread each email and piece of information sent to them resulting a tonne of lost time on my end!!!!
So in order to bring balance back into my life I've shared some sayings I found on the Chive website.
Enjoy...
When you stop doing things for fun you might as well be dead - Hemingway
Go ahead, underestimate me - Anonymous
Not all those who wander are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien
It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person - Bill Murray
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours - Wayne Dyer
Only a fool trips on what is behind him - Anonymous
Most of the problems in life come because of two reasons: we act without thinking and we keep thinking without acting - Anonymous
If you don't appreciate a nice ass, something is wrong with you - Anonymous
Everyone has their own struggles so be kind - Anonymous
I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn't get better. You get better - Joan Rivers
Not everyone you lose is a loss - Anonymous
and my favourite and it put everything into perspective for me today.................
Only when mosquito lands on your testicles....do you truly learn to solve problems without violence
Marcus
Happy Hump Day!!
My day has started off on the wrong foot as once again the multitude of consultants working on the buyout have made a complete hash of things and managed to misread each email and piece of information sent to them resulting a tonne of lost time on my end!!!!
So in order to bring balance back into my life I've shared some sayings I found on the Chive website.
Enjoy...
When you stop doing things for fun you might as well be dead - Hemingway
Go ahead, underestimate me - Anonymous
Not all those who wander are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien
It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person - Bill Murray
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours - Wayne Dyer
Only a fool trips on what is behind him - Anonymous
Most of the problems in life come because of two reasons: we act without thinking and we keep thinking without acting - Anonymous
If you don't appreciate a nice ass, something is wrong with you - Anonymous
Everyone has their own struggles so be kind - Anonymous
I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn't get better. You get better - Joan Rivers
Not everyone you lose is a loss - Anonymous
and my favourite and it put everything into perspective for me today.................
Only when mosquito lands on your testicles....do you truly learn to solve problems without violence
Marcus
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
The Double Take and Smile
Tuesday, May 10/16
Today's musical suggestion is "Twice" by Little Dragon
So originally I was supposed to take my son to Bayshore and get some new shorts and these shoes from Vans that he's been eyeing so I didn't take anything out for dinner thinking we'd grab a bite in the food court but as usual that plan never came to fruition as he texted me when he got home from school asking if we could do it tomorrow or Thursday as he's super tired and has a chemistry lab to write up for class tomorrow.
I was a bit bummed as I'd been looking forward to doing some shopping with him but felt good that he knew enough to place school above getting some new clothes.
Of course dinner now became the issue so it meant a run to Pizza Hut on my way home as we like a thin and crispy pizza with some wings, always a pretty good fall back choice.
When I walked through the front door I glanced to my left and than kept heading to the take out counter to place my order but suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and slowly turned around to see what had initially caught my eye............
I smiled as I stood staring at the pay phone mounted on the wall.
I can't remember the last time I actually saw a pay phone which is kind of odd given how they used to be all over the place when I was growing up. Now I'm sure there are a lot more than the one I accidently stumbled upon tonight but it did make me smile and think back to when I was a kid and cell phones were just something from a science fiction movie.
It made me think back to last summer when I was up the valley and came across a full service gas station while driving through Petawawa and was equally shocked that time as well. First that there were still any full service stations around and then that the cost wasn't all that much different from the self serve across the street.
It's sort of funny the things that make us smile as we get older isn't it............
Today's musical suggestion is "Twice" by Little Dragon
So originally I was supposed to take my son to Bayshore and get some new shorts and these shoes from Vans that he's been eyeing so I didn't take anything out for dinner thinking we'd grab a bite in the food court but as usual that plan never came to fruition as he texted me when he got home from school asking if we could do it tomorrow or Thursday as he's super tired and has a chemistry lab to write up for class tomorrow.
I was a bit bummed as I'd been looking forward to doing some shopping with him but felt good that he knew enough to place school above getting some new clothes.
Of course dinner now became the issue so it meant a run to Pizza Hut on my way home as we like a thin and crispy pizza with some wings, always a pretty good fall back choice.
When I walked through the front door I glanced to my left and than kept heading to the take out counter to place my order but suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and slowly turned around to see what had initially caught my eye............
I smiled as I stood staring at the pay phone mounted on the wall.
I can't remember the last time I actually saw a pay phone which is kind of odd given how they used to be all over the place when I was growing up. Now I'm sure there are a lot more than the one I accidently stumbled upon tonight but it did make me smile and think back to when I was a kid and cell phones were just something from a science fiction movie.
It made me think back to last summer when I was up the valley and came across a full service gas station while driving through Petawawa and was equally shocked that time as well. First that there were still any full service stations around and then that the cost wasn't all that much different from the self serve across the street.
It's sort of funny the things that make us smile as we get older isn't it............
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Sunday Smiles
Sunday, May 08/16
So my ex celebrated Mother's Day yesterday with her mom and the kids and that meant I had my son all day today which works out well since he has a math test tomorrow for which he's been studying for the past 4+ hours.
I woke up around 8:45 this morning and sent a text to M one of my co-workers saying I didn't think I was going to be up for playing golf today as my body is feeling the effects of the last week of golf and I'm pretty sure the rain last night was going to leave at least a few fairways at Pakenham with standing water. I know it is shocking to read that I turned down a round of golf given my addiction but I'm trying not to push my back too hard before surgery next month.
Once I was done dealing with that I got up, took a quick shower, and headed off to get groceries while the lad slept. Almost $200 later and I was home putting things away and getting the sleeping bear up so he could clean up and hit the books. Of course he first had to check out the status of our provisions and was happy to see some watermelon, strawberries, cheese, and a fresh baguette for his snacking pleasure. He was even gracious enough to approve of my meal plan for the week, like he has any say in what I prepare, as soon as he starts cooking or buying groceries he can add his two cents lol
After lunch I putzed around the house getting caught up on laundry and cleaned my clubs before laying down on the couch to read for a bit with Moki curled up at my feet. Before long I started to feel drowsy and must have put my tablet down and dozed off for a little nap.
I didn't nap for too long and when I woke up found myself covered with a blanket and my tablet on the breakfast nook. I smiled as I realized my son must have come out of his room to get a snack and seeing me napping decided I was too old to be left to catch a chill so he grabbed the blanket from the chair in my office and covered the old man lest he catch a cold.
It is the small things like these that give me the greatest joy in life and make me realize that my ex and I have done a pretty good job with our kids as both are even headed, kind, caring, and do little things that make others smile.
I might fail at some things in life but so far I'm batting 1,000 when it comes to the whole dad thing and I'll take that over anything else any day and twice on Sunday.
Marcus
So my ex celebrated Mother's Day yesterday with her mom and the kids and that meant I had my son all day today which works out well since he has a math test tomorrow for which he's been studying for the past 4+ hours.
I woke up around 8:45 this morning and sent a text to M one of my co-workers saying I didn't think I was going to be up for playing golf today as my body is feeling the effects of the last week of golf and I'm pretty sure the rain last night was going to leave at least a few fairways at Pakenham with standing water. I know it is shocking to read that I turned down a round of golf given my addiction but I'm trying not to push my back too hard before surgery next month.
Once I was done dealing with that I got up, took a quick shower, and headed off to get groceries while the lad slept. Almost $200 later and I was home putting things away and getting the sleeping bear up so he could clean up and hit the books. Of course he first had to check out the status of our provisions and was happy to see some watermelon, strawberries, cheese, and a fresh baguette for his snacking pleasure. He was even gracious enough to approve of my meal plan for the week, like he has any say in what I prepare, as soon as he starts cooking or buying groceries he can add his two cents lol
After lunch I putzed around the house getting caught up on laundry and cleaned my clubs before laying down on the couch to read for a bit with Moki curled up at my feet. Before long I started to feel drowsy and must have put my tablet down and dozed off for a little nap.
I didn't nap for too long and when I woke up found myself covered with a blanket and my tablet on the breakfast nook. I smiled as I realized my son must have come out of his room to get a snack and seeing me napping decided I was too old to be left to catch a chill so he grabbed the blanket from the chair in my office and covered the old man lest he catch a cold.
It is the small things like these that give me the greatest joy in life and make me realize that my ex and I have done a pretty good job with our kids as both are even headed, kind, caring, and do little things that make others smile.
I might fail at some things in life but so far I'm batting 1,000 when it comes to the whole dad thing and I'll take that over anything else any day and twice on Sunday.
Marcus
Happy Mother's Day
Sunday, May 08/16
I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of the mother's out there a Happy Mother's Day!!
This wish goes out to all the married moms, the single moms, the two mom families, and those men who are raising children as a single full time parent as you qualify as well.
Being a parent is a thankless task at the best of times but even more so for mom's of whom so much is just expected without normally any recognition or assistance.
I'm fortunate that the last two women I've been involved with, my ex and C, were both amazing mothers who were creative, loving, nurturing, and empathetic women who raised the bar very high.
My mom passed away in '98 so I'm not able to directly thank her for all she did for me over the years but I still sent silent thoughts her way as I know she looks out for me and my family.
They say you never know what love really means until you feel unconditional love and that usually develops with the arrival of your children and mom's are the biggest source of unconditional love.
I hope each and every one of you know how important you are to your families and they take a moment to let you know how much they appreciate everything you do for them and the love they feel for you.
Happy Mother's Day to each and every one of you!!!!!!
Marcus
I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of the mother's out there a Happy Mother's Day!!
This wish goes out to all the married moms, the single moms, the two mom families, and those men who are raising children as a single full time parent as you qualify as well.
Being a parent is a thankless task at the best of times but even more so for mom's of whom so much is just expected without normally any recognition or assistance.
I'm fortunate that the last two women I've been involved with, my ex and C, were both amazing mothers who were creative, loving, nurturing, and empathetic women who raised the bar very high.
My mom passed away in '98 so I'm not able to directly thank her for all she did for me over the years but I still sent silent thoughts her way as I know she looks out for me and my family.
They say you never know what love really means until you feel unconditional love and that usually develops with the arrival of your children and mom's are the biggest source of unconditional love.
I hope each and every one of you know how important you are to your families and they take a moment to let you know how much they appreciate everything you do for them and the love they feel for you.
Happy Mother's Day to each and every one of you!!!!!!
Marcus
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Golf, golf, and more golf.
Saturday, May 07/16
So since a week ago Friday I've played 4 complete rounds of golf and on Thursday had my best round of the year managing a 91 at Glen Mar that included 2 balls hit out of bounds and 3 shots hit fat due to some takeaway issues.
Today was my first round of the year with my friend B and we both played pretty well for the most part but the couple of lapses cost us dearly as he managed a 94 to my 95.
The best part is when something does go wrong I can review the tells outlined by my instructor Jason and almost always get things back on track.
What do I mean by these tells?
When I push the ball to the right, also known as a slice, it means I've not come all the way around with my hips on my swing and left my right side open at impact, meaning I've not allowed the club head to make a complete transition and when it reaches the ball it's still open or facing slight right of target and that determines the ball flight direction.
When I hit a shot far left it means my grip has gotten too strong and my right hand has slid to the back of the shaft promoting a closed club face and a rather nasty hook. My hook used to be so bad I'd hit a ball 150 yards out from the tee and 50 yards to the left of my initial target.
When I hit the ball fat it normally means I've shifted my body slightly to the right during my takeaway so that the point of impact shifts to a few inches behind the ball and results in the clunker or fat hit that has no power and has been known to hurt my hands and wrist like hell at times.
Topping the ball usually means I've worked the ball too far forward in my stance and the club has already begin an upward arc by the time it gets to the ball and just grazes it as it whips past.
Lots of issues but luckily all can be fixed and don't cause me any where near the frustration they used too in the past.
The one thing I'm struggling with his reading the greens so I'm thinking of doing the putting clinic at Kevin Haime to work on this part of my game. I think I three putted at least 4 times today and that is unacceptable.
The one draw back to today's round was being asked how things are going with C and remembering that I haven't seen B since the breakup. Pretty sure this is the last time I'm going to have talk about the whole thing.
Funny enough B said pretty much the same thing my friend from work A said when we talked about it at lunch on Wednesday. The issue I described wasn't anywhere near enough for someone to end a year long relationship and there has to be more to it or something else was going on with C.
I'm confident I didn't leave anything out and don't want to consider what else could have been going on as anything that comes to mind doesn't bode well for my ego and leaves me feeling slightly sullied.
So the long summer of golf has begun and will continue as I continue to chase my dream of the sub 90 round and loving my new clubs....a special reminder of what I once had in my life.
My name is Marcus and my heart is mending and my golf game coming around. Some people might say I have a slight addiction to golf and my response to that is go big or go home :)
So since a week ago Friday I've played 4 complete rounds of golf and on Thursday had my best round of the year managing a 91 at Glen Mar that included 2 balls hit out of bounds and 3 shots hit fat due to some takeaway issues.
Today was my first round of the year with my friend B and we both played pretty well for the most part but the couple of lapses cost us dearly as he managed a 94 to my 95.
The best part is when something does go wrong I can review the tells outlined by my instructor Jason and almost always get things back on track.
What do I mean by these tells?
When I push the ball to the right, also known as a slice, it means I've not come all the way around with my hips on my swing and left my right side open at impact, meaning I've not allowed the club head to make a complete transition and when it reaches the ball it's still open or facing slight right of target and that determines the ball flight direction.
When I hit a shot far left it means my grip has gotten too strong and my right hand has slid to the back of the shaft promoting a closed club face and a rather nasty hook. My hook used to be so bad I'd hit a ball 150 yards out from the tee and 50 yards to the left of my initial target.
When I hit the ball fat it normally means I've shifted my body slightly to the right during my takeaway so that the point of impact shifts to a few inches behind the ball and results in the clunker or fat hit that has no power and has been known to hurt my hands and wrist like hell at times.
Topping the ball usually means I've worked the ball too far forward in my stance and the club has already begin an upward arc by the time it gets to the ball and just grazes it as it whips past.
Lots of issues but luckily all can be fixed and don't cause me any where near the frustration they used too in the past.
The one thing I'm struggling with his reading the greens so I'm thinking of doing the putting clinic at Kevin Haime to work on this part of my game. I think I three putted at least 4 times today and that is unacceptable.
The one draw back to today's round was being asked how things are going with C and remembering that I haven't seen B since the breakup. Pretty sure this is the last time I'm going to have talk about the whole thing.
Funny enough B said pretty much the same thing my friend from work A said when we talked about it at lunch on Wednesday. The issue I described wasn't anywhere near enough for someone to end a year long relationship and there has to be more to it or something else was going on with C.
I'm confident I didn't leave anything out and don't want to consider what else could have been going on as anything that comes to mind doesn't bode well for my ego and leaves me feeling slightly sullied.
So the long summer of golf has begun and will continue as I continue to chase my dream of the sub 90 round and loving my new clubs....a special reminder of what I once had in my life.
My name is Marcus and my heart is mending and my golf game coming around. Some people might say I have a slight addiction to golf and my response to that is go big or go home :)
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Sunday's Visit and the News
Wednesday, May 04/16
I've been sitting on this one for the last few days but finally got permission to talk about it with friends so here goes nothing........
On Sunday morning I was in the shower around 10am when I heard my cell phone beep with a new text, beep again with another, and finally ring with an incoming call. I wasn't in any rush to get out of the shower as the hot water felt so good on my back and legs still sore from 36 holes of golf.
After a few moments I could hear Moki running around and thought to myself what had gotten into her as she usually sits on the back of the couch watching out the front window or lays in the hallway outside the bathroom doorway lest I sneak out on her.
I figured it might be my son dropping by to get something for school but quickly ruled that one out as he never remembers his house keys once he's at his mom's for the week. Next I thought it might be my daughter swinging by to search for the blender I got her for Christmas that I'm positive she already took to her boyfriends place at least a month ago, which she argues she didn't but what does dad know right?
Well it was my daughter and her boyfriend as she started yelling out as I turned off the shower and dried down "Dad, are you awake or entertaining someone?" She knows damn well there wasn't anyone with me but likes to think of herself as a comedian, a trait she most definitely did not acquire from her father.
"Just getting out of the shower"
"Pops, come into the kitchen"
I snuck into my room and but a t-shirt on and some shorts before heading down the hallway to the kitchen, finding her holding Moki and leaning against the kitchen sink counter top while L was sitting on a bar stool.
She had that look on her face that usually is followed by "Daddy, can you buy me........"
But this time she didn't ask me for anything.
No, she looked at me and said I was going to be a grandpa...............
Now at the time she was holding Moki and stroking her side so I thought she was telling me my dog was pregnant and I know that not to be the case since I got her fixed in December and she hasn't had a cycle since last summer and told her there's no way Moki is having puppies.
"No father, not the dog but me" as she rolled her eyes at me in exasperation and L burst out laughing as he said to her "Well he at least said something unlike your mom"
At that moment images of my little girl through the years flashed through my mind and I felt tears as I walked over and gave her a hug and shook L's hand.
I asked her when she knew and she said since Friday, L since yesterday, her mom for about 15 minutes as they'd just come from my ex's place, and now me for 5 minutes.
She told me about the 5 home tests she took Friday and how each one kept telling her the same thing and she worried how to tell L about it. I looked over at him and he was beaming with joy and love so I'm pretty sure that is the least of her worries.
So I'm going to be a grandpa sometime in late December or early January.
I'm too young to be one but I still can't wait to hold my grandchild, go to the park, and watch him/her grow up. I'm sort of hoping it's a little girl and just like her mom, especially the 13-15 year age range when my own daughter was such a handful lol
I can see some future posts coming about this new phase but for now I'm just glad to share it with someone as you don't know how hard it's been to keep this to myself.
Marcus
I've been sitting on this one for the last few days but finally got permission to talk about it with friends so here goes nothing........
On Sunday morning I was in the shower around 10am when I heard my cell phone beep with a new text, beep again with another, and finally ring with an incoming call. I wasn't in any rush to get out of the shower as the hot water felt so good on my back and legs still sore from 36 holes of golf.
After a few moments I could hear Moki running around and thought to myself what had gotten into her as she usually sits on the back of the couch watching out the front window or lays in the hallway outside the bathroom doorway lest I sneak out on her.
I figured it might be my son dropping by to get something for school but quickly ruled that one out as he never remembers his house keys once he's at his mom's for the week. Next I thought it might be my daughter swinging by to search for the blender I got her for Christmas that I'm positive she already took to her boyfriends place at least a month ago, which she argues she didn't but what does dad know right?
Well it was my daughter and her boyfriend as she started yelling out as I turned off the shower and dried down "Dad, are you awake or entertaining someone?" She knows damn well there wasn't anyone with me but likes to think of herself as a comedian, a trait she most definitely did not acquire from her father.
"Just getting out of the shower"
"Pops, come into the kitchen"
I snuck into my room and but a t-shirt on and some shorts before heading down the hallway to the kitchen, finding her holding Moki and leaning against the kitchen sink counter top while L was sitting on a bar stool.
She had that look on her face that usually is followed by "Daddy, can you buy me........"
But this time she didn't ask me for anything.
No, she looked at me and said I was going to be a grandpa...............
Now at the time she was holding Moki and stroking her side so I thought she was telling me my dog was pregnant and I know that not to be the case since I got her fixed in December and she hasn't had a cycle since last summer and told her there's no way Moki is having puppies.
"No father, not the dog but me" as she rolled her eyes at me in exasperation and L burst out laughing as he said to her "Well he at least said something unlike your mom"
At that moment images of my little girl through the years flashed through my mind and I felt tears as I walked over and gave her a hug and shook L's hand.
I asked her when she knew and she said since Friday, L since yesterday, her mom for about 15 minutes as they'd just come from my ex's place, and now me for 5 minutes.
She told me about the 5 home tests she took Friday and how each one kept telling her the same thing and she worried how to tell L about it. I looked over at him and he was beaming with joy and love so I'm pretty sure that is the least of her worries.
So I'm going to be a grandpa sometime in late December or early January.
I'm too young to be one but I still can't wait to hold my grandchild, go to the park, and watch him/her grow up. I'm sort of hoping it's a little girl and just like her mom, especially the 13-15 year age range when my own daughter was such a handful lol
I can see some future posts coming about this new phase but for now I'm just glad to share it with someone as you don't know how hard it's been to keep this to myself.
Marcus
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Reliving the Nightmare
Tuesday, May 03/16
So over the course of the last couple of weeks my son has been battling headaches and missed a couple of days of school because of them.
Any one who has followed the blog knows this tends to set off my panic alarms as headaches were the very first symptom he displayed back in '09 when he developed his sinus infection and resulting brain abscess.
Now he's had headaches since than and even had a recurrence of the sinus infection a few years back but not like the one's he was having lately. The one good thing is that he didn't lose his appetite or suddenly want to isolate himself in his room in order to avoid sound or light.
But the fact that these headaches were so persistent and were coming across as sinus headaches sort of made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.
So last Tuesday I made an appointment to take him into see our family doctor on Friday but he didn't even make it through first period on Wednesday before I was getting a text asking if I could come get him as he was feeling light headed. I picked him up and called the doctors office to see if they could get him in that day and was able to secure a spot during clinic hours at 6pm but not with our doctor as she wasn't on clinic coverage that week, the alternative was taking him to CHEO and waiting for a few hours so we decided to do the clinic.
When I made the appointment the nurse told me she'd make sure the doctor seeing him read up on his file so he'd be prepared for us. At the time that sounded perfect but hindsight would prove me wrong.
We got there on time and were whisked back to one of the patient rooms and the doctor went over his symptoms, asking a lot of questions, and did an examination to see what could be going on.
He felt that the headaches weren't neurological in nature, were sinus related, and more than likely the result of seasonal allergies, which my son does suffer from, which could be treated with an antibiotic, one which he's taken before and proven successful in getting him better.
Now where things sort of detoured is when the doctor added the caveat that should any of the other symptoms appear I was to immediately take him to CHEO and have them give him a CT scan or MRI so we could rule out a new brain abscess. That is the very last thing to say in front of someone who has had one once before as it dredges up so many horrible memories. We were also given papers to get blood work done to check his white cell count and iron levels to make sure those were good.
After we left my son was quiet and didn't say a word as I filled the prescription or when I loaded up on some probiotic yogurt to help his stomach deal with the impact of the medicine. When we got home he asked if I could make him a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup, his go to meal when he isn't feeling great. We watched a little television before we made it an early night as we had to be at the lab for 7am in order to avoid the long lines, as it was we still ended up waiting almost an hour before it was his turn. He was a trooper when they drew the blood, as he should be given how often they did it in 09/10 while he was at CHEO.
I agreed to let him stay home but he wasn't allowed to use the computer or play any video games. He ended up pretty much alternating between naps and doing some reading for chemistry.
We had some pork chops and rice when I got home and got caught up on some of the shows I had recorded over the past couple of weeks and it was lights out by 9pm as he had a chemistry test on Friday morning.
Friday came around and I could tell something was bothering him as he pushed his cereal from one part of the bowl to the next without eating any of it but given how he deals with things I waited for him to talk to me about it. I didn't have to wait too long as he was antsy in the car ride to school and by the time we were nearing Arby's I could see he was fighting back tears so I pulled into the parking lot and asked him what was wrong.
"Dad, what if it's back? I'm scared"
I told him there was no way in hell I'd let anything happen to him nor would his mother or sister. "Hell, you're sister would drag a doctor by the collar to treat you if she had too"
He tried to smile but I could see this was really shaking him up so I asked why he thought it was back and he said he'd had the headaches for almost a week, though the intensity fluctuated, and now this morning he'd had no appetite, and the comments by the doctor freaked him out.
I told him that the last time this happened he'd had the headaches build up over a course of two weeks, completely lost his appetite, couldn't even hold down water, couldn't stand any sound, and any kind of light made him nauseous. I said it was true that he did have the headache but up until this morning his appetite had been fine, reminding him of the dinner and snacks he had consumed just last night, and neither sound nor light was bothering him at all. I told him even if it was back that given his history the first thing they'd do is a MRI and at the first sign of a new abscess they'd flood his system with a cocktail of antibiotics to kick it's ass!!!!
I said that his medical history now worked in his favour as CHEO wouldn't hesitate this time like they did back in '09 and getting him treated would be much smoother but I didn't think he was going to need it as the antibiotics were going to kick in over the next couple of days and he'd be fine.
I asked him to try and go to school as he'd missed too much this semester plus being around people would be the best thing as if he did have an issue someone would notice it right away versus being at home alone made me nervous as I hated being out of touch with him.
I called his mom and we talked to her on speaker so he could hear the conversation and she pretty much reiterated all I had said and asked him one question "Of everyone you know who do you think would be rushing you to CHEO if there was any doubt about things? and he smiled at me and replied "Dad" which made his mom laugh and say "You're damned right so don't worry and leave that to us"
He appeared to calm down and agreed to go to school with the agreement that if he felt worse he could call and we'd come and get him. I dropped him off and as I was pulling into the parking lot at work my cell went off and I thought to myself "well that didn't take long" and looked down and was surprised to see the call was from his mother.
"What's up?"
"You know if he does call, it'll be you he calls right?
"Why do you say that?"
"Marcus, he feels safer with you when he's sick as he knows you'll move heaven and earth to protect him"
"Don't be silly, you'd do the same thing"
"You're right I would, but you've already done it once and saved his life and he'll never forget that"
He made it through the day without any incident and he called me Friday night to let me know his headache was down to a 2 from a 6 on his pain scale (0 is no pain and 10 is he wants to die it hurts so bad) and he'd eaten a nice grilled steak , baked potato, and green beans for dinner while watching a movie with his mom and her partner. Better news could not be sweeter to my ears!!!!
Over the weekend I heard from his mom that he was doing better and it looked like the antibiotics had kicked in perfectly once again and that she'd heard from our family doctor that his blood work had come back all clear with his white count just where it needed to be. Looks like we nipped another sinus infection in the early stages and it's something we'll have to always watch out for with him.
I can honestly admit now that I was scared this was a repeat as the persistence of the headaches shook me up and had me ready to head to CHEO and the possibility of more trauma.
It is times like these that I hate being alone, not because I want to dump this emotional toll on another person but just so I could have someone there for me as I dealt with it. We all need a shoulder to lean on sometimes and that would have qualified as a shoulder moment.
My name is Marcus and this blog is my attempt to document being a parent, friend, employee, mastering the perfect 8 iron from +135 yards, and attempts to date once again. Some of the entries are light hearted and others, like this one, are emotionally draining. I leave it up to you the reader to pick and choose which you read and hope they offer some insight into the blogger as well as yourself.
So over the course of the last couple of weeks my son has been battling headaches and missed a couple of days of school because of them.
Any one who has followed the blog knows this tends to set off my panic alarms as headaches were the very first symptom he displayed back in '09 when he developed his sinus infection and resulting brain abscess.
Now he's had headaches since than and even had a recurrence of the sinus infection a few years back but not like the one's he was having lately. The one good thing is that he didn't lose his appetite or suddenly want to isolate himself in his room in order to avoid sound or light.
But the fact that these headaches were so persistent and were coming across as sinus headaches sort of made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.
So last Tuesday I made an appointment to take him into see our family doctor on Friday but he didn't even make it through first period on Wednesday before I was getting a text asking if I could come get him as he was feeling light headed. I picked him up and called the doctors office to see if they could get him in that day and was able to secure a spot during clinic hours at 6pm but not with our doctor as she wasn't on clinic coverage that week, the alternative was taking him to CHEO and waiting for a few hours so we decided to do the clinic.
When I made the appointment the nurse told me she'd make sure the doctor seeing him read up on his file so he'd be prepared for us. At the time that sounded perfect but hindsight would prove me wrong.
We got there on time and were whisked back to one of the patient rooms and the doctor went over his symptoms, asking a lot of questions, and did an examination to see what could be going on.
He felt that the headaches weren't neurological in nature, were sinus related, and more than likely the result of seasonal allergies, which my son does suffer from, which could be treated with an antibiotic, one which he's taken before and proven successful in getting him better.
Now where things sort of detoured is when the doctor added the caveat that should any of the other symptoms appear I was to immediately take him to CHEO and have them give him a CT scan or MRI so we could rule out a new brain abscess. That is the very last thing to say in front of someone who has had one once before as it dredges up so many horrible memories. We were also given papers to get blood work done to check his white cell count and iron levels to make sure those were good.
After we left my son was quiet and didn't say a word as I filled the prescription or when I loaded up on some probiotic yogurt to help his stomach deal with the impact of the medicine. When we got home he asked if I could make him a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup, his go to meal when he isn't feeling great. We watched a little television before we made it an early night as we had to be at the lab for 7am in order to avoid the long lines, as it was we still ended up waiting almost an hour before it was his turn. He was a trooper when they drew the blood, as he should be given how often they did it in 09/10 while he was at CHEO.
I agreed to let him stay home but he wasn't allowed to use the computer or play any video games. He ended up pretty much alternating between naps and doing some reading for chemistry.
We had some pork chops and rice when I got home and got caught up on some of the shows I had recorded over the past couple of weeks and it was lights out by 9pm as he had a chemistry test on Friday morning.
Friday came around and I could tell something was bothering him as he pushed his cereal from one part of the bowl to the next without eating any of it but given how he deals with things I waited for him to talk to me about it. I didn't have to wait too long as he was antsy in the car ride to school and by the time we were nearing Arby's I could see he was fighting back tears so I pulled into the parking lot and asked him what was wrong.
"Dad, what if it's back? I'm scared"
I told him there was no way in hell I'd let anything happen to him nor would his mother or sister. "Hell, you're sister would drag a doctor by the collar to treat you if she had too"
He tried to smile but I could see this was really shaking him up so I asked why he thought it was back and he said he'd had the headaches for almost a week, though the intensity fluctuated, and now this morning he'd had no appetite, and the comments by the doctor freaked him out.
I told him that the last time this happened he'd had the headaches build up over a course of two weeks, completely lost his appetite, couldn't even hold down water, couldn't stand any sound, and any kind of light made him nauseous. I said it was true that he did have the headache but up until this morning his appetite had been fine, reminding him of the dinner and snacks he had consumed just last night, and neither sound nor light was bothering him at all. I told him even if it was back that given his history the first thing they'd do is a MRI and at the first sign of a new abscess they'd flood his system with a cocktail of antibiotics to kick it's ass!!!!
I said that his medical history now worked in his favour as CHEO wouldn't hesitate this time like they did back in '09 and getting him treated would be much smoother but I didn't think he was going to need it as the antibiotics were going to kick in over the next couple of days and he'd be fine.
I asked him to try and go to school as he'd missed too much this semester plus being around people would be the best thing as if he did have an issue someone would notice it right away versus being at home alone made me nervous as I hated being out of touch with him.
I called his mom and we talked to her on speaker so he could hear the conversation and she pretty much reiterated all I had said and asked him one question "Of everyone you know who do you think would be rushing you to CHEO if there was any doubt about things? and he smiled at me and replied "Dad" which made his mom laugh and say "You're damned right so don't worry and leave that to us"
He appeared to calm down and agreed to go to school with the agreement that if he felt worse he could call and we'd come and get him. I dropped him off and as I was pulling into the parking lot at work my cell went off and I thought to myself "well that didn't take long" and looked down and was surprised to see the call was from his mother.
"What's up?"
"You know if he does call, it'll be you he calls right?
"Why do you say that?"
"Marcus, he feels safer with you when he's sick as he knows you'll move heaven and earth to protect him"
"Don't be silly, you'd do the same thing"
"You're right I would, but you've already done it once and saved his life and he'll never forget that"
He made it through the day without any incident and he called me Friday night to let me know his headache was down to a 2 from a 6 on his pain scale (0 is no pain and 10 is he wants to die it hurts so bad) and he'd eaten a nice grilled steak , baked potato, and green beans for dinner while watching a movie with his mom and her partner. Better news could not be sweeter to my ears!!!!
Over the weekend I heard from his mom that he was doing better and it looked like the antibiotics had kicked in perfectly once again and that she'd heard from our family doctor that his blood work had come back all clear with his white count just where it needed to be. Looks like we nipped another sinus infection in the early stages and it's something we'll have to always watch out for with him.
I can honestly admit now that I was scared this was a repeat as the persistence of the headaches shook me up and had me ready to head to CHEO and the possibility of more trauma.
It is times like these that I hate being alone, not because I want to dump this emotional toll on another person but just so I could have someone there for me as I dealt with it. We all need a shoulder to lean on sometimes and that would have qualified as a shoulder moment.
My name is Marcus and this blog is my attempt to document being a parent, friend, employee, mastering the perfect 8 iron from +135 yards, and attempts to date once again. Some of the entries are light hearted and others, like this one, are emotionally draining. I leave it up to you the reader to pick and choose which you read and hope they offer some insight into the blogger as well as yourself.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
The Son's Dating Question
Sunday, May 01/16
My musical suggestion today is "Give Me Your Love" by Sigala featuring John Newman & Nile Rodgers
So last Monday my son's girlfriend came by Sylvan to say hello to him since it was close to her house and she didn't get a chance to see him on the weekend due to both of them having heavy homework commitments.
I asked him if he would like to have her over for dinner with the understanding that we'd drive her home at 9pm as he still had to do some reading for his world religion class.
When we dropped her off at her dads place she made a comment that his new girlfriend was over and how she didn't like her too much. My son asked why and she replied that she's a nurse and always suggesting ways to eat better and such things.
As we drove home my son asked me if I'd ever dated a nurse before and I had to think about it before answering as I couldn't remember if I had or not. I think he sensed me reviewing things mentally and smiled at me he said "Seriously Dad! You've dated so many you can't even remember if one was a nurse or not?"
The truth is that I sort of confused myself with trying to determine if meeting someone for a drink counted as a date. Still not sure about that one but that's neither here nor there when it comes to his question as he doesn't differentiate between the two.
I once posted a blog entry outlining the number of dates I'd been on up to that point in time and was sort of surprised by the number, though I still don't consider it over the top as a one time meet and greet does not a relationship make.
So once we were home I asked him to give me a few minutes to think back into the cobwebs that is my memory and I'd let him know if a nurse was ever one of those dates.
It ended up taking me more than a few minutes as I had to give it some serious thought as I didn't want to give him false information.
So after reviewing things here is the list I disclosed to him. Over the course of the past nine years I've dated women in the following fields.....
Government workers in agencies like Transport Canada, Health Canada, and the Treasury Board.
Of teachers there have been eight, including one who teaches at his high school but that wasn't known to me till after the date and she hasn't ever taught any class he was in.
Three members of the armed forces, surprisingly one from each service, though all were based here in Ottawa.
Two realtor's, including one who I think could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.
One car sales person, one car service repair technician, and one service manager.
One exotic dancer, though in my defence that didn't come out till the second round of drinks
Seven women who worked in not for profits
One psychologist
One doctor
One police officer
Two dental hygienists
One bank manager
Three accountants
One head hunter or executive recruiter as she preferred to be called
One waitress
One publicist
Three software engineers and two hardware engineers
One make up artist
One construction worker
and about ten who worked in retail.
Now I'm pretty sure this is close to covering them all but I'm going to hedge my bets and say there might be a field or two I've missed and apologize now for that.
Surprisingly a nurse isn't among those I've dated since being single.
When I shared the list with him he smiled and told me I sure did get around a lot. I had to explain that I listed anyone I've gone out with whether for a first drink or a real date and not to be so quick to judge me some kind of man whore for goodness sakes.
He than asked me which field was the most interesting and before I could reply he smiled and said he already knew and named the one in which C works.........smart boy that son of mine
So I've dabbled my dating experience across a wide spectrum of career fields but can honestly say only a few really sparked my mind and that is just as critical as sparking my libido as intelligence is so damn sexy!!!
Marcus
My musical suggestion today is "Give Me Your Love" by Sigala featuring John Newman & Nile Rodgers
So last Monday my son's girlfriend came by Sylvan to say hello to him since it was close to her house and she didn't get a chance to see him on the weekend due to both of them having heavy homework commitments.
I asked him if he would like to have her over for dinner with the understanding that we'd drive her home at 9pm as he still had to do some reading for his world religion class.
When we dropped her off at her dads place she made a comment that his new girlfriend was over and how she didn't like her too much. My son asked why and she replied that she's a nurse and always suggesting ways to eat better and such things.
As we drove home my son asked me if I'd ever dated a nurse before and I had to think about it before answering as I couldn't remember if I had or not. I think he sensed me reviewing things mentally and smiled at me he said "Seriously Dad! You've dated so many you can't even remember if one was a nurse or not?"
The truth is that I sort of confused myself with trying to determine if meeting someone for a drink counted as a date. Still not sure about that one but that's neither here nor there when it comes to his question as he doesn't differentiate between the two.
I once posted a blog entry outlining the number of dates I'd been on up to that point in time and was sort of surprised by the number, though I still don't consider it over the top as a one time meet and greet does not a relationship make.
So once we were home I asked him to give me a few minutes to think back into the cobwebs that is my memory and I'd let him know if a nurse was ever one of those dates.
It ended up taking me more than a few minutes as I had to give it some serious thought as I didn't want to give him false information.
So after reviewing things here is the list I disclosed to him. Over the course of the past nine years I've dated women in the following fields.....
Government workers in agencies like Transport Canada, Health Canada, and the Treasury Board.
Of teachers there have been eight, including one who teaches at his high school but that wasn't known to me till after the date and she hasn't ever taught any class he was in.
Three members of the armed forces, surprisingly one from each service, though all were based here in Ottawa.
Two realtor's, including one who I think could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.
One car sales person, one car service repair technician, and one service manager.
One exotic dancer, though in my defence that didn't come out till the second round of drinks
Seven women who worked in not for profits
One psychologist
One doctor
One police officer
Two dental hygienists
One bank manager
Three accountants
One head hunter or executive recruiter as she preferred to be called
One waitress
One publicist
Three software engineers and two hardware engineers
One make up artist
One construction worker
and about ten who worked in retail.
Now I'm pretty sure this is close to covering them all but I'm going to hedge my bets and say there might be a field or two I've missed and apologize now for that.
Surprisingly a nurse isn't among those I've dated since being single.
When I shared the list with him he smiled and told me I sure did get around a lot. I had to explain that I listed anyone I've gone out with whether for a first drink or a real date and not to be so quick to judge me some kind of man whore for goodness sakes.
He than asked me which field was the most interesting and before I could reply he smiled and said he already knew and named the one in which C works.........smart boy that son of mine
So I've dabbled my dating experience across a wide spectrum of career fields but can honestly say only a few really sparked my mind and that is just as critical as sparking my libido as intelligence is so damn sexy!!!
Marcus
G O L F ! ! !
Sunday, May 01/16
So my favourite season of the year is under way full steam.
No, it's not spring, nor summer, or even fall. You can rule out winter as well.
Nope, my favourite season is golf!!
Since April 17th I've managed 3 full rounds of golf and one half round for 63 holes.
This weekend I've played 18 at Pakenham Highlands on Friday and another 18 yesterday at Glen Mar with the possibility of adding 9 more this afternoon.
I play so much golf for a couple of reasons. The first being that I'm single and have a lot of free time on my hands and hate sitting around. Second being that I love the challenge the game presents and forcing myself to stay calm even during those rounds when things aren't falling into place.
My goal is to place 36 holes per weekend this season and get my handicap down to a 15-16 range.
Right now I'd say it's inched it's way up closer to a 19-20 so I have my work cut out for me.
Someone once said my time spent on the course was probably the reason I was single and to that I call bullshit as I've never placed golf above anyone I was seeing.
I golfed when I was up the valley visiting C and loved my times there, when she was with me it was even better as I hoped she could see how happy it made me just as I could see how much joy she got from her career and talking about it.
But to be fair there were times I didn't go and golf when I could have as the time spent just being with her was even better, and something I hope she knew.
Golf is important to me but it is not the end all be all for me.
No, being part of something means far more to me than my golf game.
But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around twiddling my thumbs while I re-enter the dating world and seeing what might transpire. Nope, I'll keep swinging my sticks until such time as I have a better option for those select few hours each weekend.
My name is Marcus and I have a slight addiction to golf. Now I'm not looking to cure this addiction at the moment but rather feed the beast as much as possible. Are you game?
So my favourite season of the year is under way full steam.
No, it's not spring, nor summer, or even fall. You can rule out winter as well.
Nope, my favourite season is golf!!
Since April 17th I've managed 3 full rounds of golf and one half round for 63 holes.
This weekend I've played 18 at Pakenham Highlands on Friday and another 18 yesterday at Glen Mar with the possibility of adding 9 more this afternoon.
I play so much golf for a couple of reasons. The first being that I'm single and have a lot of free time on my hands and hate sitting around. Second being that I love the challenge the game presents and forcing myself to stay calm even during those rounds when things aren't falling into place.
My goal is to place 36 holes per weekend this season and get my handicap down to a 15-16 range.
Right now I'd say it's inched it's way up closer to a 19-20 so I have my work cut out for me.
Someone once said my time spent on the course was probably the reason I was single and to that I call bullshit as I've never placed golf above anyone I was seeing.
I golfed when I was up the valley visiting C and loved my times there, when she was with me it was even better as I hoped she could see how happy it made me just as I could see how much joy she got from her career and talking about it.
But to be fair there were times I didn't go and golf when I could have as the time spent just being with her was even better, and something I hope she knew.
Golf is important to me but it is not the end all be all for me.
No, being part of something means far more to me than my golf game.
But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around twiddling my thumbs while I re-enter the dating world and seeing what might transpire. Nope, I'll keep swinging my sticks until such time as I have a better option for those select few hours each weekend.
My name is Marcus and I have a slight addiction to golf. Now I'm not looking to cure this addiction at the moment but rather feed the beast as much as possible. Are you game?
Happy May Day
Sunday, May 01/16
For all those Socialists and died in the wool Communists who follow the blog let me wish you a Happy May Day.
The day is either a celebration of Spring or in honour of workers the world.
Socialists use the day to remind the world of the evils of capitalism and how embracing the dogma of pure Socialism will enhance our lives for the better.
I'm not going to get into the pros and cons of one ideology over another except to pose the rhetorical question asking I wonder how all those killed under Stalin and the Chinese Communist Party feel about living in those so called workers paradises. Do we even broach the subject of the Kim folly going on in the workers heaven that is North Korea? I think not.
Either way.......enjoy the first day of May and might it be the starting of a wonderful spring and summer for everyone around the world.
It's raining today in Ottawa so my round of golf is on hold though I'm hoping it clears up enough to allow me to possibly play the back nine at Glen Mar this afternoon.
Marcus
For all those Socialists and died in the wool Communists who follow the blog let me wish you a Happy May Day.
The day is either a celebration of Spring or in honour of workers the world.
Socialists use the day to remind the world of the evils of capitalism and how embracing the dogma of pure Socialism will enhance our lives for the better.
I'm not going to get into the pros and cons of one ideology over another except to pose the rhetorical question asking I wonder how all those killed under Stalin and the Chinese Communist Party feel about living in those so called workers paradises. Do we even broach the subject of the Kim folly going on in the workers heaven that is North Korea? I think not.
Either way.......enjoy the first day of May and might it be the starting of a wonderful spring and summer for everyone around the world.
It's raining today in Ottawa so my round of golf is on hold though I'm hoping it clears up enough to allow me to possibly play the back nine at Glen Mar this afternoon.
Marcus
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)