The Weekend Recap - Completed

Friday, June 03/16
The following entry was inadvertently posted before it was done as it looks like I accidentally clicked on publish versus save when I was reviewing it.......I am still working on it and hope to complete it this weekend.

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Sunday, May 29/16

I never imagined there would come a blog entry that I would find so difficult to post let alone even have to mentally compose and possibly survive.

One thing I've always told my kids is that talking about things is much better than keeping them inside and it came as a horrible realization that I've been really good at talking the talk and not actually walking the walk when it comes to this.  Christ, I've been dreading this moment so much that I can actually feel the tears ready to roll down my cheeks.

Originally this entry was written in my normal style of one paragraph followed by another but I've decided to break it into each component day starting with lucky Friday the 13th.

So here goes nothing...........


Friday, May 13/16

The week had been crazy with insane deadlines from corporate, dealing with the team at work, balancing time with my son making sure he was doing good and staying current with his school, all the while trying to find some inner sense of peace and coping with the sense that something was just off kilter.

Friday was the start and couldn't come quickly enough as I'd managed to book the afternoon off and planned on getting in a warm up round before my game with B on Saturday up at Timber Run. I scored a tee time for 3pm at Glen Mar and played pretty well with the exception of my short game as I wasn't able to dial in my wedges distance wise and couldn't read a green if my life depended on it, both annoyed me as in the past my short game was my strength but so far this year I've been good off the tee and struggling from the 100 yards and in.  Even as I was playing I had a feeling that something just wasn't right thought I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time.

When I got home I cleaned up my clubs and made sure the batteries were charged on my GPS as I really need the help in determining distances these days, even more important as I'm still not 100% comfortable with my distances with my Ping G30 irons as one day I seem to hit the 7 a nice 150 yards and the next I'm lucky to get it 140 yards, which may not seem like a big deal but that 10 yard difference might be the distance I need to earn only my second sub 90 round.

I checked my emails and saw a message from someone I had chatted with on eHarmony asking if I was free to meet for a drink on Saturday so I let her know I should be free anytime starting after 3pm and waited for a response. We ended up exchanging cell numbers and settled on a place and time with a few texts. I really had no set expectations about the whole meet for a drink but my daughter was happy for me when I replied to her text with the details when she asked me what I was doing post golf on Saturday. My kids know that Saturday mornings means golf for dad so they don't even bother asking what my plans are until the afternoon. See sometimes being predictable can be a good thing.

I was in bed asleep well before 10pm as we had a 9:04 am tee time and it's about a 45 minute drive from my place to the course and I wanted to make sure that Moki got a good walk before I left, that I had some breakfast, and arrived with enough time to work on my putting. I'm notorious for arriving literally minutes before a tee time and than having that rushed feeling on the first tee that normally results in a nice big fat double bogey on the first hole, something I've vowed to eliminate this season and so far so good.


Saturday, May 14/16

I woke up early and got Moki down to the park and did our usual thing and let Moki off her leash as she's trained enough to listen to my commands and not take off running around. As we made our way down the walkway I noticed she was stopping every now and again and just watching me as I caught up with her, now usually I've got to remind her to wait up but it was almost as if she was keeping an eye on me for some reason but I didn't think too much about it as she is kind of clingy at times and I just wrote this off to her knowing I was leaving soon and trying to get some extra attention.

I beat B to the course and was able to work on some short wedges as well as my putting before he arrived and we teed off on the first. Now this was a new course for both of us so we took our time at each tee to try and see the lay of the hole and make note of any areas to avoid as while I love new courses I also find them kind of hard the first time as you have no clue about any of the holes.

We didn't play too bad nor did we shoot the lights out, no we pretty much played as expected for a first time but it just seemed like I was struggling with all of my shots, feeling slightly off key if you will, though my score didn't reflect anything bad.

As we made the turn from the front nine to the back and I was getting ready to tee off on the 10th hole B looked over and asked me what was bothering me, sort of surprising me with the question as I didn't think anything was and told him so, he responded by telling me to look down at my grip on my driver. when I looked down I noticed my hands were white from how hard I was gripping my club.

In the past I've had what is termed a dominant right hand grip in that my right hand slides so that my palm is aligned to the club shaft facing my intended target and almost always results in a closed club face and wicked hook. I was able to overcome this tendency about 2 years ago but one characteristic of it was my hands would turn white from the strong grip and this is what I saw when I looked down.

He moved over and told me to take a moment and he'd tee off.  I went and stood by the cart and tried to figure out what had me gripping the club so hard that my hands went white and actually tingled a bit. I took some deep breathes and relaxed a bit so that when I did hit my driver I crushed the longest drive of my life and it must have sailed a good 325 yards leaving me with a very workable mid iron to potentially set up a birdie opportunity.

B looked at me as if to say what was up, I shrugged my shoulders to say I had no clue, and he told me if getting me to step back was going to lead to those kind of drives he wasn't going to say anything more and let me shank my drives.

I made my par to his bogey and we proceeded to the tee box for #11 and as I walked up to survey the short par 3 I just stood there staring at the hole. As B walked up next to me with his own Garmin GPS to check the distance for himself I turned and looked back at the 10th hole and than once more at the 11th hole before muttering to myself "fuck me"

B looked at me as if to say what now and I told him "I've played this hole before" upon which he laughed and said that would be hard to have done since this was my first time on the course.

I looked back at the 10th and said "Not only have I played this hole but I've played the 10th as well"

He looked at me like I'd been drinking so I looked back at the 11th and said "The hole plays right to left from the elevated tee about 138 yards with a large pond in front, no room to overshoot the green, with a bail area out to the right if one is too chicken to take on the green. The last hole played about 460 yards left to right down a valley to an elevated green. We just  played the 10th and 11th holes at Petawawa"

He looked from the 11th back to the 10th and than at me. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely, I played those holes double digits last summer while visiting C and would know that layout if I was blindfolded"

He stared at me for a moment said that explained why I looked so angry the last few holes.

He was right, I was angry and could feel it building up inside me as things started to fall into place.

Now my false feelings from last night made sense as last summer I used to get off work early on my single weekends, go home and grab my clubs, travel bag, and Moki before heading up the valley to spend the weekend with C and I must have been having some subconscious memories on Friday.

We didn't talk much the rest of the round as B sensed I was dealing with some feelings and gave me my space. I think I ended up shooting a decent 46 on the back but couldn't tell you for certain as I left the scorecard on the cart when I turned it in.

As we said our goodbyes in the parking lot he looked at me and said "You've got some serious shit to deal with about C or it's going to eat you alive"  I smiled wanly and said "That's easier said than done my friend"

As I drove home through Carleton Place it struck me that with my luck I'd cross paths with C's ex or her sons as they live in the area, just another reminder of how badly I'd fucked up"

I got home around 1:30 and took Moki for another walk and even though I let her off the leash she stayed by my side almost as if to let me know she was there for me.

Once back at the house I tried calling my ex to ask her when we were going to go look at cars for our son. She answered and said she was just thinking about calling me but could she do so in a few minutes as she was busy. I told her of course and hung up. About a minute later my son texted me that they were out looking at cars and than sent me another saying they'd bought a car. Now you can imagine how that came across since I was going to be paying for half.

He followed that up with a picture of his mom behind the wheel of a car. I can't begin to tell you how pissed off that made me feel and I told myself to calm down or I was going to blow a gasket. When his mom called me a few minutes later she had me on speaker phone and before I could lose my shit she said "please tell me you didn't fall for your son's joke?" and I could hear him in the background saying "J pranks, J pranks" while laughing with his girlfriend.

I responded with "J grounded, J grounded" and heard everyone laugh in response. She told me she'd warned him not to joke around about it but I know how he is and should have known better.

They had test driven both a Hyundai and a Mazda. He liked the Hyundai but loved the Mazda and his mom liked the Mazda as it offered more safety features. She asked me if I could take him over on Tuesday and test drive it for myself and I reminded her he had his first soccer practise on Tuesday but maybe Monday would work. She told me the sales rep was off on Monday and as a side fact that he was the brother of our daughters b/f. I told her I'd see about going now and texted K to see if I could put our drink meeting off from 3:30 to 4:30 explaining why. She was cool with it and we reset for 5pm.

So off I went to Kanata Mazda to meet J and see about a Mazda3.  I liked the safety features as outlined by J and think the car looked nice but the test drive is what really sold me on the car.

Now I've been on more than a few test drives in my life but none ever had me gripping the safety strap for dear life before as J demonstrated how the car easily handled on a wet and gravelly road as an example of how well it will do on a slick and snowy road come this winter.  J looked over at me and laughed as he told me not to worry, Mazda shows them just how far they can push a car during a test drive. Now that may be but I do wonder if they advise the sales rep to bring some wet wipes for those of us who almost soil ourselves. Of course I jest with that comment but I did walk away from the test drive with the feeling that should something happen to my son while he's driving I sure as hell want him in that model as it left me feeling like it offered the best protection. Period. End of story.

I drove from the dealer over to D'Arcy McGee's to meet K for a drink. I got there a bit early and settled into a booth, ordered a cold one, and sent my son a text giving him my feedback on the car and let him know I really liked it and think it was the perfect car for him. As I read his happy response K arrived and we got to chatting.

I'm really not into the whole meet and greet drink date thing but had vowed to give it a real chance as it was time to begin moving forward with my life.

We sat there having a drink and talked. Talked about what we do for a living, our kids and how they make us equally happy and mad, about what we were looking for in life. All the usual stuff you talk about when first meeting someone. This was one of the few times that it didn't come across feeling like an interview of some type and I can say without any doubt I was enjoying the ebb and flow of the conversation.

Things were going good up until the moment K asked the question.

I was sitting there taking a sip of my drink, watching our server approach from behind K when she asked me the question "When was the last time you had sex?"

I almost choked on my drink when she asked and the server stood there smiling at me as she said "I was going to ask if there was anything else I could bring either of you but think I'll wait for the answer to the ladies question" and almost half laughed in unison with K.

I wiped my mouth and replied "Nice try but I think we're good"

With a glint in her eye she looked me square in the eye and said "Oh, I'm sure you are" and walked off to check on her other tables.

I looked over at K and could see her smiling at me as she waited for me to respond to her question.

"That is an interesting question to ask on a meet and greet, isn't that usually a second or third date question"

"You are an interesting man but there is something just under the surface that makes me wonder"

"Makes you wonder?"

"Wonder what makes you smile and get out of bed in the morning"

"Well usually the alarm or my dog bugging me to take her for a walk"

"Cute but you know that isn't what I meant. So when was the last time you had sex?"

I sat there and flashed back to October and looked away out the window to gather my thoughts

She seemed to take my action as hesitation and laughed as she said "Was it that bad you can't remember?"

"No, actually it was exceptional just like it had been each and every time prior to the last time"

I don't think she'd been expecting that for an answer as she just stared at me. After a moment she asked me what happened that made it end.

I took a swallow of my drink and smiled as I told her "I don't know and wish I did as it still haunts me to this day"

She looked a little puzzled as she asked me "What do you mean you don't know, how is that possible?"

I sighed and explained what I thought had happened that fateful week just before Halloween and she shook her head as she listened to me. Recapping those fateful days doesn't get easier with the passing of time

She asked if I wanted her to reciprocate with her own time and I politely declined as I didn't think it was any of my business. She seemed a bit flustered by this and asked why I answered the question in the first place if that was how I felt about it. I kind of chuckled and said it was due to my children, how when they were younger I told them they could ask me any question they had and I'd answer them honestly and went onto explain that I pretty much tried to follow that process in my every day life.

She smiled and wondered out loud if doing that ever got me into trouble by being asked the wrong question to which I laughed and said like being asked when the last time was that I had sex right....

We chatted a bit more and around 7pm decided to call it a night. I walked her to her car and she played with her keys a bit, a sign I've come to learn that women utilize to kill for time and allow the male to lean in for a kiss, and told me she'd enjoyed our drink date and would love to hear from me again but she got the feeling I wasn't feeling it back.

I half smiled and said I thought I was ready for this after six months but that one question brought it up all over for me again and I didn't want to lead her on. She reached up and softly put her hand on my cheek and said she was sorry for causing me to feel the hurt again. I gave her a quick hug and said I don't think it had ever left. She told me if I ever wanted to just talk to give her a call and she'd be more than happy to talk about it or anything else. As she got into her car she looked over her shoulder at me and said she hoped the other woman knew what she had lost in me............

I went to my car and just sat inside it wondering when I was going to be over this and almost gave into making the drive up the valley but couldn't bring myself to falling that far.

When I got home I let Moki out in the backyard and stood on the back of the deck to watch as she ran around with the carefree abandon she loves to display when she is outside.

I got her a treat when we went inside and did something I rarely do by pouring myself a very stiff drink. Sitting down on the couch with the lights off and rain gently falling outside I just watched as people and cars went past sipping my drink as I did......not sure what snapped me out of it but eventually I went to change and made myself a bite to eat before trying to drown my emotions in another drink and Netflix. Eventually I headed off to bed and the endless battle with Moki as to who really owns the bed in my room and thus gets the majority of the space, sadly I lost out to a small puppy, as it seems I do most nights.


Sunday, May 15/16
The morning sun broke through the crack in my curtains to awaken me and remind me I wanted to do a few things before deciding if another round was in my cards. I shaved and showered before heading out to gas the car for the coming week and get the pitiful amount of groceries I go through during my bachelor week.

My phone chirped around 11am signaling a new text and I saw it was from K. She was asking how I was doing and once more apologized for the question, I told her I was fine and not to worry about it as it's part of the process. She asked if I was up for meeting for breakfast but I begged off as even the thought of making small talk left me feeling mentally exhausted. I told her I thought I was just going to lay low for a bit in regards to the whole dating thing and she let me know she understood and hoped I could get some resolution as being left as I was completely sucked.

I ended up going over to GlenMar around 2pm and played 27 holes as I literally had nothing else to do with my time and being home alone, albeit with Moki, wasn't something I was looking forward to as it just gives me way too much time to brood, something I think I've become way too good at the past few months.

When I got home I was physically drained and must have been in bed by 8:30 and slept the soundest sleep I've had in the past few months, only waking once when I heard Moki in the kitchen doing her usual middle of the night food bowl run.

That made me lay there and wonder what C did with the bed and dog food she'd had at her place. Small thoughts like that just seem to permeate my life on almost a daily basis.


Thursday, May 19/16
All week long I had been doing really well about bringing my lunch but today was one of those days I couldn't seem to get my act together in the morning and thus ran out of time before having to head off to work so I decided to kill two birds with one stone and grab a bite to eat and price a new grip for my putter at lunchtime.

Around 10 I turned around at my workstation when I heard A muttering to himself to find holding his reading glasses. I asked what was wrong and he said there was a screw missing in the hinge. I suggested he go down to the repair lab and see if they have any extras. He smiled at me as he stood up and told me he knew there was a reason he liked me. He was back in a few minutes with a frown and told me that the one screw he needed was one they didn't have on hand.

He asked me if I knew of any optometrists in the area and the only one I could think of was over by the Kanata Centrum and told him he could come with me at lunch as I was going to be right near it since Golf Town was in the same complex. He agreed and back to work we went.

Noon rolled around and we headed off to lunch. First stop was the optometrist and some quick repair work. We decided to have Harvey`s for lunch as it was located between the optometrist and Golf Town.  As we ordered and ate our lunch we talked about the usual and he asked what my plans were for the long weekend, I told him it would probably include some golf on Saturday and that I was going to the putting clinic at Kevin Haime`s on Monday. He asked how I liked it there and I told him it was a really good and the same place I`d gotten fitted for clubs last summer.

He asked me which clubs I ended up buying and I told him the Ping G30`s at which he whistled asking if those were a tad bit on the high end price wise. I smiled and said they were around $1,100 and I`d never have bought them for myself, he asked than how did I end up with them and I said they were my birthday gift from C last summer.

He put his food down and looked me direct on as he asked "Wait a minute, you`re telling me she spent that kind of money on you and less than a month later breaks up with you?"

He made me tell him the whole story about what happened that week and when I finished he looked at me and said "I'm sorry but either you've left something out of how things went down that week or something else was going on with her as there is no way someone spends that kind of money on a boyfriend only to break up a month later, I don't care how much free cash they have"

I told him I wish I knew as the unknown was slowly driving me nuts. Maybe she ran into someone that week while in Ottawa and a flame reignited, that would suck for me but at least it's a reason other than "the relationship isn't giving me what I need".

He asked me how things were between us physically, saying he didn't want any details, and I said as far as I could tell they were great, she'd never given any indication she was unhappy with me in that area.

The first time she broke up with me I could sort of accept her logic as so much was going on in her life with the position change, selling her home, looking for a place in the valley, arranging the move of her household, and getting her sons resettled with their dad. I say sort of as I'd like to think when those things hit is when you turn to your partner for support instead of trying to carry that load yourself.

Now this time it is just plain fucked up!

I'd rather have the truth no matter how blunt or painful than get the line I got from her. I think I deserved better than the crap she fed me on the phone. Pretty sure if anyone who works for her tried to use such a line she'd ream them a new one and I know she'd never accept such a weak excuse from a guy breaking up with her.

But the rub to the whole thing is that there is nothing I can do but bend over and take it unless I want to do something dramatic, and by this I don't mean pull a John Cusack from "Say Anything" but go to see her at work or her home, neither of which is an option in my book as one gets me in trouble with the RCMP and the other just makes me come across as a weak and pathetic man. Which I'm sure is how this post paints me anyways.

We finished lunch and headed back to work skipping Golf Town as I'd lost interest in it at the moment.

As we got off the elevator he asked if that meant the door was closed to any communications with C moving forward and I sort of half laughed and said "No, I'm sure if she called I'd talk to her as I really felt something with her that I hadn't felt with anyone in a very long time"

C might have closed the door between us, possibly locking it as well but I like to think of that door as one between hotel rooms that can be locked or unlocked from both sides. It just takes one knock to possibly open a door.

So here I sit wondering where all this will lead and I don't really have an answer.

Over the course of the last few weeks a lot of things have happened in my life that I'd love to share but can't as it's now just me........well I do sort of share them in the blog but it's not the same as seeing her reaction face to face or hearing her voice as we talk about them.

There were many years where I've felt that I didn't need a relationship and I was ok with that as I was doing other things that kept me occupied but the truth is that it took falling in love to remind me how being part of a couple can enrich my life for the better.

I've been pretty good about not trying to know what was going on with C as knowing didn't help me deal with the loss but last night I gave into temptation and pinged her FB account to see a new picture of her with her sons from May that showed all of them looking happy and smiling, her smile melted my heart like usual, and it dawned on me that since all three were in the picture it means someone else had to have taken it..........so I guess I do have my answer after all and should put this to rest once and for all......................................

Apologies for the time it took me to finish this post but it isn't always easy to write about such an incredibly fresh and painful wound all at one time.

My name is Marcus and I once knew what love felt like. Love makes you smile, your heart beat faster, your eyes twinkle, and sometimes it leaves you feeling hurt and confused too.....but that's ok as it means the feelings were real and someday you might experience them once again.........it can happen