Saturday's Recovery Was All About The Movies

Sunday, June 12/16

So with my back being far more sore than I anticipated I made the decision to stay home completely on Saturday and just relax on the couch with some serious Netflix binging and some of my favourite movies.

What would I do about food you might be thinking....never fear as I'd stocked up on some stuff Wednesday night just in case my optimistic view about the results didn't prevail and  I was stuck housebound.

Now binging on Netflix, CraveTV, and select movies is both a good thing and a bad thing.

Good in that I can catch up on some shows I've recently discovered like Bosch and 19-2 and watch some movies that remind me of what is possible when one opens they're mind to possibilities.

The bad comes in that sometimes they can act as reminder of a different sort......what I've had and lost

Some of the movies I ended up watching included Love Actually, She's Out of Your League, and An American President. The theme in each is things happen that can be good and bad but how you let them impact you is completely in your own hands.

One line from Love Actually really stood out for me and I'm note sure why I never noticed it before but when I heard it last night it made me pause the movie and really think hard about it and how it relates to my own actions in the dating world.

For those who haven't seen the movie here is your spoiler alert so you can stop reading this and come back once you've seen it.

There is a scene where Juliet, played by Kiera Knightly, sort of ambushes Mark, played by Andrew Lincoln, at his home as she is trying to track down the wedding video he shot of her and his best friend. As they sit there watching it she suddenly realizes that almost every scene he shot is a close up of her and as she looks up at him she says "There all of me, but you never talk to me, you don't like me" and he looks away and replies "It's a self preservation thing you see" and walks out leaving her sitting there to ponder her discovery.

Now I'm not saying I've done that exact same thing but I do know in the past I've quickly bailed on a meeting that held potential if I'd just given it a chance. And like mark, it's totally been a self preservation thing on my part as the heart can only take being rejected so many times before it develops serious scar tissue and than nothing can get past it.

I sat there for a few moments and remembered at least 4 times I've done that over the past nine years and wonder what ever made me not act that way with K or C. I think with K it had to be her cute French accent that just sort of captivated me in the short run and let me overlook the differences that would eventually see us go our separate ways, but those few months were good for both of us and reminded me of what was possible when I just don't shut the doors too quickly. It was all eyes with C as I just got lost in them when I came across her profile picture. They had this slight twinkle and when combined with her amazing smile just made me melt inside, willing to step out of my comfort zone to meet her.

No, this isn't a blog entry about how miserable I am without her in my life. True, I'm not overjoyed but life isn't going to end anytime soon.

Nope, it's about the feelings one person can bring out in another, how that connection you feel might help you do things you aren't sure you are capable of doing, like for me it was attending her organizations annual ball and meeting so many amazing people who I hold in very high esteem or attending a social event with her and her entire staff, once more feeling like what I do is insignificant compared to the risks they can be asked to undertake at a moments notice.

I used my movie time to reflect that life, while it might be a little unsteady at times, is always worth pursuing with every ounce of fiber in your being.

Doing this movie day a  month ago would have seen me wallowing in some serious self pity and internally wailing about how it is unfair to not know what really happened but maybe the new me, helped by some seriously strong pain medication, is more at peace with himself. I'm not catching myself reflecting on the what was so much these days and have started to think more about the what can be.

My name is Marcus and this blog is my attempt to document my efforts at being a good father, friend, co-worker, trying to perfect my 8 iron from +135 yards, and searching for that all elusive thing we all deserve.......love