Sunday, April 29/18
So here I was thinking life was all strawberries and cream with the outcome of my biopsy and along comes Karma to bitch slap me back to reality.
No, biopsy is still negative so that is a good thing. The problem has been the extreme bleeding and clotting I suddenly started to experience about 10 days ago. Things got so bad I ended up in the emergency at QCH last Wednesday but since it was ruled that my bladder wasn't distended I was sent home and referred back to my surgeon to deal with things.
I've got an 11:30 appointment with him on Monday but since that time the bleeding has stopped as has the clotting.
So than what makes me say Karma has bitch slapped me?
The bleeding came back yesterday afternoon minus the clotting. That isn't all bad in and off itself.
No, the bitch slap comes from I'm now experiencing extreme pain in my kidneys whenever I have to void my bladder, so fucking bad that I'm actually dreading going to urinate now.
So now I'm back to wondering just who the hell I've pissed off, no pun intended, so that I go from one issue to another.
The big reminder I got from my son when he was around and noticed my discomfort was "At least it's not cancer pops".........
And he's right, it isn't and I'm going to deal with this as I've dealt with all the rest. One foot forward day by day.
On a more positive note I've been asked out for drinks so I have that going for me now don't I?
My name is Marcus and life is nothing more than a series of adventures you can either cower away from or take on head first. Guess which strategy I'm choosing to follow..........
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Saturday, April 14, 2018
My Other Family
Saturday, April 14/18
Yesterday at work we had our Q1 review meeting where we went over the tasks and projects we completed for the first three months of the new year, outlined some new objectives, and looked at some of the obstacles that might cause us difficulties and to possibly miss some deadlines.
Our finance team consists of our CFO, Controller, Accounts Receivable, Accounts Payable, and yours truly. Normally we'd all be involved in the review but we have a board meeting Monday so the CFO was working from home during the morning and scheduled to come in to join us for lunch later in the morning.
Usually these meetings are pretty informal with a lot of open discussions around the group and yesterday was really no different.
I got to the meeting room last as I had to do my usual bathroom run due to those damn complications lol
When I got to to room there were some small blank pieces of paper laying face down where I was going to put my laptop so I started to push them away, thinking it was part of a team exercise the controller was going to have us do at some point, and was told to stop pushing them away by the Accounts Payable. I looked up at her and noticed everyone was smiling at me and then she told me to turn them over and read what they said. I said I thought they were there for the group and she laughed and said they were from the group now get reading.
I sat down and read each of them one by one and as I did so I started to smile, then laugh, and than cry.......once I had read those in front of me she handed me one final piece to read.......it's the last one on the display below
My kids, son-in-law, grandson, and the mother of my children were all a wonderful source of support while dealing with things but I'd be a really horrible person if I didn't mention the support my work family gave me as well, from the green tea they bought and made me drink every single morning to the words of encouragement to the simple hugs I got the day before my surgery.
I never really knew how I fit into the whole group dynamic given how much of an introvert I've always viewed myself as being but sometimes something dark can actually bring some light to the world around you, even leaving you feeling like you aren't really as alone as you might think.
My name is Marcus and I've been embracing my second chance with a gusto!!
Yesterday at work we had our Q1 review meeting where we went over the tasks and projects we completed for the first three months of the new year, outlined some new objectives, and looked at some of the obstacles that might cause us difficulties and to possibly miss some deadlines.
Our finance team consists of our CFO, Controller, Accounts Receivable, Accounts Payable, and yours truly. Normally we'd all be involved in the review but we have a board meeting Monday so the CFO was working from home during the morning and scheduled to come in to join us for lunch later in the morning.
Usually these meetings are pretty informal with a lot of open discussions around the group and yesterday was really no different.
I got to the meeting room last as I had to do my usual bathroom run due to those damn complications lol
When I got to to room there were some small blank pieces of paper laying face down where I was going to put my laptop so I started to push them away, thinking it was part of a team exercise the controller was going to have us do at some point, and was told to stop pushing them away by the Accounts Payable. I looked up at her and noticed everyone was smiling at me and then she told me to turn them over and read what they said. I said I thought they were there for the group and she laughed and said they were from the group now get reading.
I sat down and read each of them one by one and as I did so I started to smile, then laugh, and than cry.......once I had read those in front of me she handed me one final piece to read.......it's the last one on the display below
My kids, son-in-law, grandson, and the mother of my children were all a wonderful source of support while dealing with things but I'd be a really horrible person if I didn't mention the support my work family gave me as well, from the green tea they bought and made me drink every single morning to the words of encouragement to the simple hugs I got the day before my surgery.
I never really knew how I fit into the whole group dynamic given how much of an introvert I've always viewed myself as being but sometimes something dark can actually bring some light to the world around you, even leaving you feeling like you aren't really as alone as you might think.
My name is Marcus and I've been embracing my second chance with a gusto!!
Thursday, April 12, 2018
A Wake
Thursday, April 12/18
I attended a wake today for a woman I never met before in my life and after hearing the eulogies I left the mortuary feeling like she was a part of my life and missing her deeply.
One of my coworkers lost her grandmother over the weekend and an email was sent out to a select group of employees with an invitation to attend the wake, I was fortunate enough to be one of those people as I work with her granddaughter on a weekly basis so it felt right to go and show my support for someone I consider a friend.
I sat in the back and listened to the five grandchildren talk about what Nana meant to each of them, the little things she did that made the feel special, and life lessons she imparted to each over the years.
Next up where her son-in-law and daughter-in-law to share some personal observations of the way this wonderful woman made each of them feel part of her family.
The final two speakers were her son and daughter. The love and pride each had in them for the mother she'd been to them over the years, the obstacles she'd overcome in raising them, and the moral compass she'd instilled in each of them resounded clearly as they spoke of her and the love that was always present when she was around any member of her family, whether a blood relative or an extended member.
As I sat there listening to each person share something special about Nana I couldn't help but think when my time comes I honestly hope I've had half the impact on my own family this amazing woman had on hers over the years.
I'm sad and lonely knowing that this wonderful woman is no longer there for her family, that her oldest granddaughter, my friend, will feel a little adrift in the coming days, but I hope that as she walks around the Glebe that the sun shines perfectly on a flower and reminds her of the joy she shared with her Nana, that even though she isn't here for her, that she'll never be gone from her heart.
My name is Marcus and I cried over the loss of a woman I never had the good fortune to meet and hope to one day meet her so I can thank her.............
I attended a wake today for a woman I never met before in my life and after hearing the eulogies I left the mortuary feeling like she was a part of my life and missing her deeply.
One of my coworkers lost her grandmother over the weekend and an email was sent out to a select group of employees with an invitation to attend the wake, I was fortunate enough to be one of those people as I work with her granddaughter on a weekly basis so it felt right to go and show my support for someone I consider a friend.
I sat in the back and listened to the five grandchildren talk about what Nana meant to each of them, the little things she did that made the feel special, and life lessons she imparted to each over the years.
Next up where her son-in-law and daughter-in-law to share some personal observations of the way this wonderful woman made each of them feel part of her family.
The final two speakers were her son and daughter. The love and pride each had in them for the mother she'd been to them over the years, the obstacles she'd overcome in raising them, and the moral compass she'd instilled in each of them resounded clearly as they spoke of her and the love that was always present when she was around any member of her family, whether a blood relative or an extended member.
As I sat there listening to each person share something special about Nana I couldn't help but think when my time comes I honestly hope I've had half the impact on my own family this amazing woman had on hers over the years.
I'm sad and lonely knowing that this wonderful woman is no longer there for her family, that her oldest granddaughter, my friend, will feel a little adrift in the coming days, but I hope that as she walks around the Glebe that the sun shines perfectly on a flower and reminds her of the joy she shared with her Nana, that even though she isn't here for her, that she'll never be gone from her heart.
My name is Marcus and I cried over the loss of a woman I never had the good fortune to meet and hope to one day meet her so I can thank her.............
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Slightly Offended
Tuesday, April 10/18
So I had a message last night asking if I was passive-aggressive in my use of the blog and trying to get some attention from a certain lady with regards to my Sunday posting.
Let me be perfectly clear here....I'm a grown ass 55 year old man who doesn't need to play high school games to let a woman know how I feel.
Every single morning I drag my ass out of bed and put on my big boy boxer briefs, big boy pants or golf shorts depending on the day/season, and a big boy shirt. I go out and face the day head on and when something needs to be said I use my outside voice to express my feelings. I don't need to use the blog to let a woman know I might be interested in her nor would I insult her, you, or myself to using this forum to express my message.
I really am more than capable of telling her how I might feel about her and think I've done a pretty good job of it in the past when the moment called for it, either in person, on the phone, with a sweet text, or email that she could read first thing in the morning upon arrival at the office.
The recent postings have been in no way meant to send anyone a message. They have been my attempts to continue dealing with the turn my life almost took and the new fresh perspective on things that has been granted to this man.
Does the lady in particular read the blog? She did at one point as I shared it with her as it is part of who I am and I thought it important for her to understand that about the man she was seeing. But I have no clue if she has read it lately and won't venture a guess as to what she might think or feel about any of the entries posted since October 2015.
There is a saying that I hear more often than I'd like to admit, one that really just annoys the hell out of me for some reason, but one that sort of says it all when spoken out loud.....it is what it is
So in the future when reading the blog please don't try and read more into an entry that is there, trust me when I say that if I was trying to reach out to someone I have the contacts to get the job done in a lot less public manner.
My name is Marcus and I'm still searching for the one who is imperfectly perfect for me, and while I wait to bump shopping carts at Loblaw's I think it's time I get over to Keven Haime's and start preparing for the first wave of course openings near me :)
So I had a message last night asking if I was passive-aggressive in my use of the blog and trying to get some attention from a certain lady with regards to my Sunday posting.
Let me be perfectly clear here....I'm a grown ass 55 year old man who doesn't need to play high school games to let a woman know how I feel.
Every single morning I drag my ass out of bed and put on my big boy boxer briefs, big boy pants or golf shorts depending on the day/season, and a big boy shirt. I go out and face the day head on and when something needs to be said I use my outside voice to express my feelings. I don't need to use the blog to let a woman know I might be interested in her nor would I insult her, you, or myself to using this forum to express my message.
I really am more than capable of telling her how I might feel about her and think I've done a pretty good job of it in the past when the moment called for it, either in person, on the phone, with a sweet text, or email that she could read first thing in the morning upon arrival at the office.
The recent postings have been in no way meant to send anyone a message. They have been my attempts to continue dealing with the turn my life almost took and the new fresh perspective on things that has been granted to this man.
Does the lady in particular read the blog? She did at one point as I shared it with her as it is part of who I am and I thought it important for her to understand that about the man she was seeing. But I have no clue if she has read it lately and won't venture a guess as to what she might think or feel about any of the entries posted since October 2015.
There is a saying that I hear more often than I'd like to admit, one that really just annoys the hell out of me for some reason, but one that sort of says it all when spoken out loud.....it is what it is
So in the future when reading the blog please don't try and read more into an entry that is there, trust me when I say that if I was trying to reach out to someone I have the contacts to get the job done in a lot less public manner.
My name is Marcus and I'm still searching for the one who is imperfectly perfect for me, and while I wait to bump shopping carts at Loblaw's I think it's time I get over to Keven Haime's and start preparing for the first wave of course openings near me :)
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Sunday Brunch and a Little Disclosure
Sunday, April 08/18
So today was an interesting day if I say so myself lol
My son and I met up with my daughter, son-in-law and Baby Jack for brunch this morning at Milestones as it is sort of our go to place, well that and Gabriel's in Bridlewood :-)
I guess going to Milestones at the Centrum was poetic justice given that was where Corinne and I used to go, well that and Zak's Diner :-) (notice a trend here, always two options when it comes to brunch with me).
So after we placed our orders we began to catch up on the things going on in each of our lives and sharing some smiles and laughs as Baby Jack was trying his best to get into the conversation with his new founds words......moo, mama, and baa baa............
I was sitting next to my son with my daughter across from me and Baby Jack between her and my son-in-law when my son-in-law looked at me and asked "Can I ask you a question?"
I looked up and started to reply "Yes, you can but......"
When I was interrupted by both my kids saying "be careful what you ask as I'll answer honestly and you might not like the answer"........and then both of them burst out laughing and high fiving each other across the table.
My son-in-law looked a little confused so my son took pity on him and said that since both his sister and him were little I'd had a policy where they could ask me anything they wanted and I would answer the question with complete honesty but I always added the caveat that they should be careful as the answer might not be what they expected it would be and/or be embarrassing"
"Embarrassing?" was his next comment as he looked between his wife and my son.
"Hell Yes!" was my daughters reply with a laugh as she proceeded to tell him how I responded to her question about oral sex when she thought she had the perfect question to make me go back on my policy of answering anything they asked me.
He looked at me with what I think was some new respect as he pondered whether he wanted to continue and ask me his question.
After a moment or so he looked at my daughter and my son before turning to me and asking me "Have you ever thought about getting married again?" and proceeded to get smacked in the back of the head by my daughter reaching around behind my grandson so he wouldn't see.
"Are you stupid? why the hell would you ask my dad that question" was her comment to him said in such a voice that I knew he was sleeping in the guest room tonight.
I smiled and took a drink of my iced tea and simply replied "Yes, I was thinking about it a little while ago"
Now I wasn't expecting the response I got but guess I shouldn't have been too surprised by it.
Both of my kids went deathly silent and turned to look at me as if I'd grown horns on my head and started speaking in Latin. It was almost comical and all I could do from bursting out laughing.
"Dad, who, when, and why didn't I know" was my daughters initial attempt at words
"So that was why you mentioned possibly selling the house a few years ago" was my son's comment.
"What? dad talked to you about selling his house" was her next comment and directed to my son.
"Yeah, he mentioned there was a chance he'd be selling it and didn't want me to be blindsided by it"
Turning to look at me she said "You mean like I am right now learning not only was dad thinking about selling his house but he wanted to get married again"
My son-in-law looked at me and said almost in a whisper "They know your sitting here in front of them right?"
I took a bite of my eggs and looked over at him and replied nodding in the affirmative "Wait for it" and smiled as I sensed things were going to get interesting very fast.
My daughter and son were staring at me and suddenly my daughter almost jumped up and shouted at me "That's why you asked mom if you two could finalize the divorce back in 2015 right?"
"And now we are starting to see the light" and took another bite of my eggs
Now my daughter has never been known for her patience or discretion and I was kind of impressed she hadn't lost her mind yet but that was soon to change.
"Why did you ask mom to finalize the divorce dad? I mean you guys both didn't seem to be in any rush for years and then suddenly out of the blue mom had papers on the desk at home"
"Hun, one thing I've learned over the years was that women are very hesitant to date a man who is only separated as the thinking is he must still have feelings for his wife but neither your mother or I knew that was ever going to happen but I never pushed to finalize things as it helped your mom when she was dating as it let her off the hook if things got too serious"
"So what changed to make you want the divorce"
Just as I started to respond my son blurted out "Corrine" and smiled at me as if he'd just solved a Rubik's cube in record time.
I simply nodded my head and smiled as I said I needed the divorce so I could ask her to marry me and that was why I had it finalized in September 2015 as it was my intent to ask her while having dinner at the Blue Cactus.
My daughter doesn't shed tears all that easy but she looked at me and her eyes were wet as she reached over to hold my hand and softly said "Oh Dad, I'm so sorry"
I smiled and said I guess it just wasn't my time yet.
My son asked me if I had talked to anyone about it and I said I had been planning on seeing her sons when they were at their dads place to ask if they were ok with it but things sort of fell apart when I got my nose out of place and she broke up with me before I talked to them.
My son-in-law looked at me and asked me "Whenever I saw you sitting by the pool in Mexico it looked like you were kind of sad but you usually did a good job hiding your feelings, were you thinking about her at those moments?"
I smiled and said yes, she had crossed my mind more than once while in Mexico.
The waitress came over and asked if we needed anything and my son jokingly said "a do over for my dad would be great" and that seemed to confuse her so I said just the bill please.
I settled things up and carried Baby Jack out to his parents car and reminded him he was my favourite grandchild and would always be my first.
On the drive home my son asked me if I was ok and I smiled and said I was fine, that it just wasn't my time and it taught me a lot about myself and relationships.
As we walked into the house he reminded me that I'd recently been given a second chance and not to waste it. Smart kid I have there :)
My daughter sent me a text a little while later asking if I'd given any thought to trying to talk to Corrine and I said no, that ship has sailed and she's doing just fine in her new position.
Truth is I briefly did think about reaching out to her back in December but common sense took over and I've gotten rid of all the contact information I had for her just to be safe.
My name is Marcus and I never thought I'd consider getting married again but I think for the one I'd walk down that path once again if it was something she wanted........
So today was an interesting day if I say so myself lol
My son and I met up with my daughter, son-in-law and Baby Jack for brunch this morning at Milestones as it is sort of our go to place, well that and Gabriel's in Bridlewood :-)
I guess going to Milestones at the Centrum was poetic justice given that was where Corinne and I used to go, well that and Zak's Diner :-) (notice a trend here, always two options when it comes to brunch with me).
So after we placed our orders we began to catch up on the things going on in each of our lives and sharing some smiles and laughs as Baby Jack was trying his best to get into the conversation with his new founds words......moo, mama, and baa baa............
I was sitting next to my son with my daughter across from me and Baby Jack between her and my son-in-law when my son-in-law looked at me and asked "Can I ask you a question?"
I looked up and started to reply "Yes, you can but......"
When I was interrupted by both my kids saying "be careful what you ask as I'll answer honestly and you might not like the answer"........and then both of them burst out laughing and high fiving each other across the table.
My son-in-law looked a little confused so my son took pity on him and said that since both his sister and him were little I'd had a policy where they could ask me anything they wanted and I would answer the question with complete honesty but I always added the caveat that they should be careful as the answer might not be what they expected it would be and/or be embarrassing"
"Embarrassing?" was his next comment as he looked between his wife and my son.
"Hell Yes!" was my daughters reply with a laugh as she proceeded to tell him how I responded to her question about oral sex when she thought she had the perfect question to make me go back on my policy of answering anything they asked me.
He looked at me with what I think was some new respect as he pondered whether he wanted to continue and ask me his question.
After a moment or so he looked at my daughter and my son before turning to me and asking me "Have you ever thought about getting married again?" and proceeded to get smacked in the back of the head by my daughter reaching around behind my grandson so he wouldn't see.
"Are you stupid? why the hell would you ask my dad that question" was her comment to him said in such a voice that I knew he was sleeping in the guest room tonight.
I smiled and took a drink of my iced tea and simply replied "Yes, I was thinking about it a little while ago"
Now I wasn't expecting the response I got but guess I shouldn't have been too surprised by it.
Both of my kids went deathly silent and turned to look at me as if I'd grown horns on my head and started speaking in Latin. It was almost comical and all I could do from bursting out laughing.
"Dad, who, when, and why didn't I know" was my daughters initial attempt at words
"So that was why you mentioned possibly selling the house a few years ago" was my son's comment.
"What? dad talked to you about selling his house" was her next comment and directed to my son.
"Yeah, he mentioned there was a chance he'd be selling it and didn't want me to be blindsided by it"
Turning to look at me she said "You mean like I am right now learning not only was dad thinking about selling his house but he wanted to get married again"
My son-in-law looked at me and said almost in a whisper "They know your sitting here in front of them right?"
I took a bite of my eggs and looked over at him and replied nodding in the affirmative "Wait for it" and smiled as I sensed things were going to get interesting very fast.
My daughter and son were staring at me and suddenly my daughter almost jumped up and shouted at me "That's why you asked mom if you two could finalize the divorce back in 2015 right?"
"And now we are starting to see the light" and took another bite of my eggs
Now my daughter has never been known for her patience or discretion and I was kind of impressed she hadn't lost her mind yet but that was soon to change.
"Why did you ask mom to finalize the divorce dad? I mean you guys both didn't seem to be in any rush for years and then suddenly out of the blue mom had papers on the desk at home"
"Hun, one thing I've learned over the years was that women are very hesitant to date a man who is only separated as the thinking is he must still have feelings for his wife but neither your mother or I knew that was ever going to happen but I never pushed to finalize things as it helped your mom when she was dating as it let her off the hook if things got too serious"
"So what changed to make you want the divorce"
Just as I started to respond my son blurted out "Corrine" and smiled at me as if he'd just solved a Rubik's cube in record time.
I simply nodded my head and smiled as I said I needed the divorce so I could ask her to marry me and that was why I had it finalized in September 2015 as it was my intent to ask her while having dinner at the Blue Cactus.
My daughter doesn't shed tears all that easy but she looked at me and her eyes were wet as she reached over to hold my hand and softly said "Oh Dad, I'm so sorry"
I smiled and said I guess it just wasn't my time yet.
My son asked me if I had talked to anyone about it and I said I had been planning on seeing her sons when they were at their dads place to ask if they were ok with it but things sort of fell apart when I got my nose out of place and she broke up with me before I talked to them.
My son-in-law looked at me and asked me "Whenever I saw you sitting by the pool in Mexico it looked like you were kind of sad but you usually did a good job hiding your feelings, were you thinking about her at those moments?"
I smiled and said yes, she had crossed my mind more than once while in Mexico.
The waitress came over and asked if we needed anything and my son jokingly said "a do over for my dad would be great" and that seemed to confuse her so I said just the bill please.
I settled things up and carried Baby Jack out to his parents car and reminded him he was my favourite grandchild and would always be my first.
On the drive home my son asked me if I was ok and I smiled and said I was fine, that it just wasn't my time and it taught me a lot about myself and relationships.
As we walked into the house he reminded me that I'd recently been given a second chance and not to waste it. Smart kid I have there :)
My daughter sent me a text a little while later asking if I'd given any thought to trying to talk to Corrine and I said no, that ship has sailed and she's doing just fine in her new position.
Truth is I briefly did think about reaching out to her back in December but common sense took over and I've gotten rid of all the contact information I had for her just to be safe.
My name is Marcus and I never thought I'd consider getting married again but I think for the one I'd walk down that path once again if it was something she wanted........
What I Learned in Mexico
Saturday, April 07/18
So the last few months have taken a toll on me both physically and mentally, more than I thought until people began to mention it to me, not always in a good way either I might add. Seems there were some days I was sort of not fun to be around and that doesn't sit well with me at all, I've always hated people who turn inside and here I did the exact thing I disliked.
So Wednesday afternoon on my drive back to the office I reminded myself that I needed to be the person who would bring the changes to my life that I desired and to stop putting things on hold. Getting told I was cancer free was the most liberating news I could receive and I'm not going to waste the second chance I've been given.
I'm still dealing with some complications but nothing that the new med's and a little time won't see cured. My goal was to go out and get drunk on Wednesday, either to drain my sorrows or celebrate, but I didn't do either, it's not really who I am and I didn't have anyone to be my designated driver that night lol
I did go out last night and have a drink as my son thought it was something I needed to do and as we sat there we got to talking about what my plan was now and I smiled and told him I'd been thinking about this for a while and I was going to stop thinking about the past, just relax and enjoy things as they come and maybe find my one!
He looked at me and said he knew exactly when I started to think about letting go and I laughed and asked when he thought that happened. He pushed my drink over to me and said when we were in Mexico and he came back to the room Saturday afternoon to find me sitting on the balcony sipping on a Pina Colada, reading a book, and pausing every now and than to watch golfers play down the 5th fairway that was just down below our room at the resort.
He said I never heard him come into the room as I was just sort of looking off into the distance and he watched me for a few minutes and knew I was feeling alone even though we were down there in a group of 20 in a resort with hundreds of other people. I just sat there and looked at him for a moment without saying anything as what he was telling me hit home.
"Tell me I'm wrong" was his next comment but I couldn't as he was right.
I took a sip of my drink and than looked up at him as I replied "Don't take this the wrong way son as I loved getting to spend time with you in Mexico, but that was really a trip I should have taken with a girlfriend and you're right, I sat on that balcony thinking I was tired of being alone"
"I'm going to repeat something you told me after Victoria and I broke up dad, Man up and go find the one you're meant to be with and stop sitting on the sidelines, you've had every thing in life on hold waiting to see what was going to happen with the surgery and now you know, it's time to act and be happy again"
I smiled as he took the bill from the waitress before I could and paid it saying it was his treat.
It's true that I did do a lot of thinking while in Mexico and realized I was tired of being alone, that once I was past the surgery and any recovery I needed that I was done sitting on the sidelines.
I miss the small things that come with a relationship as well as the big things. Washing dishes after dinner, sitting in the back yard on a lazy weekend afternoon, the scent of her perfume in my bedroom days after her last visit, reminding me of what we did as well as promising what we'll do in the not so distant future.
I'm going to restart my membership and see what develops over the next few months, as well as just keeping my head up and my eyes open to everything going on around me, maybe that way I won't miss any obvious attempts to get my attention when I'm grocery shopping at Sobey's or wandering the aisles at Chapters :-)
My name is Marcus and I'm done sitting on the sidelines, it's time I found my one since I seem to encourage everyone around me to do so.........
So the last few months have taken a toll on me both physically and mentally, more than I thought until people began to mention it to me, not always in a good way either I might add. Seems there were some days I was sort of not fun to be around and that doesn't sit well with me at all, I've always hated people who turn inside and here I did the exact thing I disliked.
So Wednesday afternoon on my drive back to the office I reminded myself that I needed to be the person who would bring the changes to my life that I desired and to stop putting things on hold. Getting told I was cancer free was the most liberating news I could receive and I'm not going to waste the second chance I've been given.
I'm still dealing with some complications but nothing that the new med's and a little time won't see cured. My goal was to go out and get drunk on Wednesday, either to drain my sorrows or celebrate, but I didn't do either, it's not really who I am and I didn't have anyone to be my designated driver that night lol
I did go out last night and have a drink as my son thought it was something I needed to do and as we sat there we got to talking about what my plan was now and I smiled and told him I'd been thinking about this for a while and I was going to stop thinking about the past, just relax and enjoy things as they come and maybe find my one!
He looked at me and said he knew exactly when I started to think about letting go and I laughed and asked when he thought that happened. He pushed my drink over to me and said when we were in Mexico and he came back to the room Saturday afternoon to find me sitting on the balcony sipping on a Pina Colada, reading a book, and pausing every now and than to watch golfers play down the 5th fairway that was just down below our room at the resort.
He said I never heard him come into the room as I was just sort of looking off into the distance and he watched me for a few minutes and knew I was feeling alone even though we were down there in a group of 20 in a resort with hundreds of other people. I just sat there and looked at him for a moment without saying anything as what he was telling me hit home.
"Tell me I'm wrong" was his next comment but I couldn't as he was right.
I took a sip of my drink and than looked up at him as I replied "Don't take this the wrong way son as I loved getting to spend time with you in Mexico, but that was really a trip I should have taken with a girlfriend and you're right, I sat on that balcony thinking I was tired of being alone"
"I'm going to repeat something you told me after Victoria and I broke up dad, Man up and go find the one you're meant to be with and stop sitting on the sidelines, you've had every thing in life on hold waiting to see what was going to happen with the surgery and now you know, it's time to act and be happy again"
I smiled as he took the bill from the waitress before I could and paid it saying it was his treat.
It's true that I did do a lot of thinking while in Mexico and realized I was tired of being alone, that once I was past the surgery and any recovery I needed that I was done sitting on the sidelines.
I miss the small things that come with a relationship as well as the big things. Washing dishes after dinner, sitting in the back yard on a lazy weekend afternoon, the scent of her perfume in my bedroom days after her last visit, reminding me of what we did as well as promising what we'll do in the not so distant future.
I'm going to restart my membership and see what develops over the next few months, as well as just keeping my head up and my eyes open to everything going on around me, maybe that way I won't miss any obvious attempts to get my attention when I'm grocery shopping at Sobey's or wandering the aisles at Chapters :-)
My name is Marcus and I'm done sitting on the sidelines, it's time I found my one since I seem to encourage everyone around me to do so.........
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
B E N I G N !!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 04/18
I think the title of the post pretty much says it all ;-)
I went into today's appointment with a lot of worry and dread but one look at my surgeons smiling face and I knew the results before he even said a word!
I'm still having some post surgical issues and am now on a new antibiotic to combat an infection and another medicine to deal with the pressure and discomfort I'm experiencing but in the grand scheme of things those are pretty minor issues to me right now.
Not going to write much more than this tonight as I'm heading out to have a celebratory drink with my kids but I do want to thank everyone who wrote me and said a prayer on my behalf, really means the world to me.
Family & Faith were and continue to be the rocks upon which I anchor my life.
Today is Day One of my new life and I don't plan on wasting one moment of the precious gift I've been given.
Baby Jack, grandpa is going to be around for many years and get to see you start school and play hockey!!!
My name is Marcus and I can't begin to explain how excited I am right this moment. Hey, the One, I'm coming for you so get ready babe :-)
Fuck Cancer in all shapes and forms!!!!
I think the title of the post pretty much says it all ;-)
I went into today's appointment with a lot of worry and dread but one look at my surgeons smiling face and I knew the results before he even said a word!
I'm still having some post surgical issues and am now on a new antibiotic to combat an infection and another medicine to deal with the pressure and discomfort I'm experiencing but in the grand scheme of things those are pretty minor issues to me right now.
Not going to write much more than this tonight as I'm heading out to have a celebratory drink with my kids but I do want to thank everyone who wrote me and said a prayer on my behalf, really means the world to me.
Family & Faith were and continue to be the rocks upon which I anchor my life.
Today is Day One of my new life and I don't plan on wasting one moment of the precious gift I've been given.
Baby Jack, grandpa is going to be around for many years and get to see you start school and play hockey!!!
My name is Marcus and I can't begin to explain how excited I am right this moment. Hey, the One, I'm coming for you so get ready babe :-)
Fuck Cancer in all shapes and forms!!!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
One Freaking Scary Tuesday
Tuesday, April 03/18
So over the weekend I started to experience some difficulties from the surgery but really didn't give them much thought as I figured it was just my mind playing tricks as the stress about Thursday's appointment has been building but turns out sometimes it's not your mind sending a message but actually your body saying something is up and pay attention buddy......
Saturday I had a slight pinkish hue to my urine but it only happened the once so I didn't pay it any mind. Sunday and Monday everything was normal but I started to develop some pressure and it felt like I had a full bladder all the time, even after voiding my bladder it felt like I could use the restroom right away, but I really thought it was my mind playing tricks on me so no action on my part.
This morning started off similar with the pressure but everything else was normal. Just before heading out the door I voided as traffic can make my drive in to the office take between 45-55 minutes and sure enough I had a pink hue once again. Now this made me pause and I waited a bit as I knew I was going to need to relief myself again and sure enough not 15 minutes later I had to go once again......except now the pink hue was dark red and I knew I had a problem.............
I wasn't able to get a hold of the specialist so called my family doctor and they booked me in for an early morning appointment to see what was going on.......as I was leaving for that appointment I tried the surgeons office one last time and finally got through but he was in surgery all day so his assistant took down the details and sent him text while telling me to go ahead and see my family doctor in the meantime.
My doctor ordered up blood and urine workup and thinks what has happened is that I have developed a post surgical infection along with the scar from the surgery breaking off inside my bladder and this has caused the bleeding, something my surgeon also texted back to his office to pass along to me too.
So now I'm on new antibiotics, hopefully they won't upset my stomach like the last ones did and my Thursday appointment has now been moved to tomorrow. My family doctor didn't have the biopsy results so no news there yet, that comes tomorrow right after lunch.
Now I've sort of accepted that I'm likely to be told some bad news tomorrow but I'm doing fine as I know this form of cancer is treatable and I've got some good medical people on my side but it's the chemo I'm really dreading and that was what had me freaking out this morning more than anything else......I can deal with the disease but not so much the treatment.......kind of weird eh?
Think next time my body sends me a message I might not be so quick to write it off to an over active imagination and take it face value that just maybe there might actually be a problem.
My name is Marcus and I've got to do a better job of fluffing things off or it might come back to bite me in the ass!!!
I didn't forget.......FUCK CANCER!!
So over the weekend I started to experience some difficulties from the surgery but really didn't give them much thought as I figured it was just my mind playing tricks as the stress about Thursday's appointment has been building but turns out sometimes it's not your mind sending a message but actually your body saying something is up and pay attention buddy......
Saturday I had a slight pinkish hue to my urine but it only happened the once so I didn't pay it any mind. Sunday and Monday everything was normal but I started to develop some pressure and it felt like I had a full bladder all the time, even after voiding my bladder it felt like I could use the restroom right away, but I really thought it was my mind playing tricks on me so no action on my part.
This morning started off similar with the pressure but everything else was normal. Just before heading out the door I voided as traffic can make my drive in to the office take between 45-55 minutes and sure enough I had a pink hue once again. Now this made me pause and I waited a bit as I knew I was going to need to relief myself again and sure enough not 15 minutes later I had to go once again......except now the pink hue was dark red and I knew I had a problem.............
I wasn't able to get a hold of the specialist so called my family doctor and they booked me in for an early morning appointment to see what was going on.......as I was leaving for that appointment I tried the surgeons office one last time and finally got through but he was in surgery all day so his assistant took down the details and sent him text while telling me to go ahead and see my family doctor in the meantime.
My doctor ordered up blood and urine workup and thinks what has happened is that I have developed a post surgical infection along with the scar from the surgery breaking off inside my bladder and this has caused the bleeding, something my surgeon also texted back to his office to pass along to me too.
So now I'm on new antibiotics, hopefully they won't upset my stomach like the last ones did and my Thursday appointment has now been moved to tomorrow. My family doctor didn't have the biopsy results so no news there yet, that comes tomorrow right after lunch.
Now I've sort of accepted that I'm likely to be told some bad news tomorrow but I'm doing fine as I know this form of cancer is treatable and I've got some good medical people on my side but it's the chemo I'm really dreading and that was what had me freaking out this morning more than anything else......I can deal with the disease but not so much the treatment.......kind of weird eh?
Think next time my body sends me a message I might not be so quick to write it off to an over active imagination and take it face value that just maybe there might actually be a problem.
My name is Marcus and I've got to do a better job of fluffing things off or it might come back to bite me in the ass!!!
I didn't forget.......FUCK CANCER!!
Monday, April 2, 2018
Some Insomnia, YouTube, and the Perfect Teen Spirit
April 02/18
So I woke up this morning around 2 am as has become my custom the last few weeks. It doesn't matter how tired I am when I go to bed, I'm almost guaranteed to wake up at some point and nothing I can do at that point will let me fall back asleep. I do have something to take before bed that helps me make it through the night but I'm really trying hard to limit the amount of drugs in my system these days as I take more than enough for high blood pressure, cholesterol, and the continuing nausea I seem to have inherited from the chemo.
Now my cure is to get up and read a bit, watch a little Netflix, or search for video's on YouTube.
My YouTube searches run the gamut from funny wedding toasts, flash mobs, unique wedding proposals, support videos for veterans, to straight up music videos for both old and new artists.
Last night, really this morning, it was a series of Imagine Dragon videos covering "Radioactive" that were from "T in The Park" and a collaboration with Mystere from Cirque du Soleil. The later reminded me of a live performance I took in many year ago at the Fox Theatre in San Diego between Shadowfax and Dance Company Momix, that show really started my love affair with music and the arts.
As I was listening to the Mystere video I scanned down the right side to see what other videos were lined up to play and came across one by U2 where they were with a choir from Harlem so I clicked on it and watched them interact and felt my heart lessen a little bit. Along the right side I noticed another video simply titled "U2 - One - Live Symphony Orchestra & Choir"
Now I love whenever a group can perform with an orchestra or choir and the combination enhances a song I already like so I thought why not play it next.
I sat there and had my mind blown away by the performance as it was so deep and rich. I played the next one up titled "Nirvana - Smells like Teen Spirit - Live Symphony Orchestra & Choir"
I love the original performance of this song by Nirvana and have probably played it hundreds of times over the years but this one is the most incredible I've ever heard and the only one that had me crying without even knowing until I felt the tears fall upon my hands........
I spent the next 2 hours watching these videos and feeling happiness, sadness, anger, joy, love, and a sense of loss that I never fully knew existed deep within me.
I've said before that music has the ability to enhance or deflect my moods but never before have I ever come across one single performance that made me feel everything all at once and left me gasping in uncontrollable sobs........but this one song did........and still does hours later........as I walked Moki this morning I played the album on my iPhone and didn't even realize the tears were back until a couple I was passing stopped to ask if everything was ok with me as they noticed my red eyes and moist cheeks......I assured them I was fine and it was just the power of a song and one voice that had me shaken up so much.
All of these songs were performed by a group called Cinematic Pop and sung by an amazing young woman named McKenna Breinholt.
It isn't just the singing of McKenna but the looks of the artists in the orchestra and choir that make the song come alive, they live the performance and make me so glad to be alive to feel the love they have for what they do.
I've added the links below and challenge you to watch them and not feel something inside you......
Nirvana Teen Spirit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4VfaxeYOt8
U2 One: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMPXzAcIKkI
Hallelujah: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6g8kkx7C-c
and the one that started it all off
Imagine Dragons with Mystere on Radioactive: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMDbY996c34
The drums on Radioactive simply blow me away and are so primal it's almost scary.
My name is Marcus and music soothes my troubled soul more than usual these days.
Fuck Cancer!!
So I woke up this morning around 2 am as has become my custom the last few weeks. It doesn't matter how tired I am when I go to bed, I'm almost guaranteed to wake up at some point and nothing I can do at that point will let me fall back asleep. I do have something to take before bed that helps me make it through the night but I'm really trying hard to limit the amount of drugs in my system these days as I take more than enough for high blood pressure, cholesterol, and the continuing nausea I seem to have inherited from the chemo.
Now my cure is to get up and read a bit, watch a little Netflix, or search for video's on YouTube.
My YouTube searches run the gamut from funny wedding toasts, flash mobs, unique wedding proposals, support videos for veterans, to straight up music videos for both old and new artists.
Last night, really this morning, it was a series of Imagine Dragon videos covering "Radioactive" that were from "T in The Park" and a collaboration with Mystere from Cirque du Soleil. The later reminded me of a live performance I took in many year ago at the Fox Theatre in San Diego between Shadowfax and Dance Company Momix, that show really started my love affair with music and the arts.
As I was listening to the Mystere video I scanned down the right side to see what other videos were lined up to play and came across one by U2 where they were with a choir from Harlem so I clicked on it and watched them interact and felt my heart lessen a little bit. Along the right side I noticed another video simply titled "U2 - One - Live Symphony Orchestra & Choir"
Now I love whenever a group can perform with an orchestra or choir and the combination enhances a song I already like so I thought why not play it next.
I sat there and had my mind blown away by the performance as it was so deep and rich. I played the next one up titled "Nirvana - Smells like Teen Spirit - Live Symphony Orchestra & Choir"
I love the original performance of this song by Nirvana and have probably played it hundreds of times over the years but this one is the most incredible I've ever heard and the only one that had me crying without even knowing until I felt the tears fall upon my hands........
I spent the next 2 hours watching these videos and feeling happiness, sadness, anger, joy, love, and a sense of loss that I never fully knew existed deep within me.
I've said before that music has the ability to enhance or deflect my moods but never before have I ever come across one single performance that made me feel everything all at once and left me gasping in uncontrollable sobs........but this one song did........and still does hours later........as I walked Moki this morning I played the album on my iPhone and didn't even realize the tears were back until a couple I was passing stopped to ask if everything was ok with me as they noticed my red eyes and moist cheeks......I assured them I was fine and it was just the power of a song and one voice that had me shaken up so much.
All of these songs were performed by a group called Cinematic Pop and sung by an amazing young woman named McKenna Breinholt.
It isn't just the singing of McKenna but the looks of the artists in the orchestra and choir that make the song come alive, they live the performance and make me so glad to be alive to feel the love they have for what they do.
I've added the links below and challenge you to watch them and not feel something inside you......
Nirvana Teen Spirit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4VfaxeYOt8
U2 One: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMPXzAcIKkI
Hallelujah: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6g8kkx7C-c
and the one that started it all off
Imagine Dragons with Mystere on Radioactive: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMDbY996c34
The drums on Radioactive simply blow me away and are so primal it's almost scary.
My name is Marcus and music soothes my troubled soul more than usual these days.
Fuck Cancer!!
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Easter Weekend :-)
Sunday, April 01/18
Well Happy Easter to one and all (again)!!!
I was asked what my long weekends consist of when I'm alone, meaning my son is at his moms for her week, and it sort of depends on the weather I'd say.
If it was warmer weather I'd be on a golf course as much as possible but over the winter months and early spring before courses open I spend a lot of time watching movies, fiddling around on my computer increasing my excel skill set, and doing some reading.
As I thought about that a bit more I came to realize my whole routine has changed a bit over the last few months. Now I seem to read almost every single night regardless of anything else going on around me and have taken to watching a lot of YouTube music videos from a lot of different genre's. TV has completely fallen by the wayside and when I do turn it on, it's usually to watch something on HGTV or maybe some golf, just to check things out and not hours spend watching any of the early season tournaments. I really hadn't realized how much I've been reading until my son mentioned it last week and asked just how many books I've read in the last few weeks. I laughed and said not that many but he said there were at least 4 on my night stand with bookmarks and he took my iPad and counted over 45 books in my iBooks there were new from after the first of the year, so I guess I'm reading a lot, way more than I thought lol
This weekend has marked the return of weather decent enough to almost clear all the snow away and lure Moki outside for a walk in the park again. I'll just say this......the little diva has her prance back in full effect when we walk down the street to the park and again when we walk home, knowing some of the neighbours are going to see her lol
Today I'll be going over to my daughters to see the family and give them Easter cards and chocolates, plus the most adorable stuffed bunny for Jack :)
Might go see a movie tomorrow - my son saw "Game Night" recently and said it was surprisingly good so it has that going for it, as well as Rachel McAdams, who is totally on my list!!!
Nothing special really other then some quiet time at home with a book, some wine, and a nice plate of cheddar and a baguette to snack on.
How has your weekend been? Any exciting activities done so far or on the agenda?
My name is Marcus and it is weekends like these that make me appreciate my life and all the people in it.
P.S. Cancer take a hike! (Don't think it's appropriate to use my normal tag line today)
Well Happy Easter to one and all (again)!!!
I was asked what my long weekends consist of when I'm alone, meaning my son is at his moms for her week, and it sort of depends on the weather I'd say.
If it was warmer weather I'd be on a golf course as much as possible but over the winter months and early spring before courses open I spend a lot of time watching movies, fiddling around on my computer increasing my excel skill set, and doing some reading.
As I thought about that a bit more I came to realize my whole routine has changed a bit over the last few months. Now I seem to read almost every single night regardless of anything else going on around me and have taken to watching a lot of YouTube music videos from a lot of different genre's. TV has completely fallen by the wayside and when I do turn it on, it's usually to watch something on HGTV or maybe some golf, just to check things out and not hours spend watching any of the early season tournaments. I really hadn't realized how much I've been reading until my son mentioned it last week and asked just how many books I've read in the last few weeks. I laughed and said not that many but he said there were at least 4 on my night stand with bookmarks and he took my iPad and counted over 45 books in my iBooks there were new from after the first of the year, so I guess I'm reading a lot, way more than I thought lol
This weekend has marked the return of weather decent enough to almost clear all the snow away and lure Moki outside for a walk in the park again. I'll just say this......the little diva has her prance back in full effect when we walk down the street to the park and again when we walk home, knowing some of the neighbours are going to see her lol
Today I'll be going over to my daughters to see the family and give them Easter cards and chocolates, plus the most adorable stuffed bunny for Jack :)
Might go see a movie tomorrow - my son saw "Game Night" recently and said it was surprisingly good so it has that going for it, as well as Rachel McAdams, who is totally on my list!!!
Nothing special really other then some quiet time at home with a book, some wine, and a nice plate of cheddar and a baguette to snack on.
How has your weekend been? Any exciting activities done so far or on the agenda?
My name is Marcus and it is weekends like these that make me appreciate my life and all the people in it.
P.S. Cancer take a hike! (Don't think it's appropriate to use my normal tag line today)
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