The Tune Up

Sunday, January 22/17

One of my first ever blogs talked about how I believe it's important to talk to someone when dramatic or even traumatic events happen in your life. You need to be able to get things off your chest, hear the words and not just replay the thoughts in your mind, and have someone offer you some feedback on the event, what part you played in it, and what you can do to recover, learn, and move forward from it.

When I first separated from my ex I spend the first year trying to understand where we went wrong. Not so I could correct those things about myself in order to win her back but so I could learn from them and hopefully not duplicate them in any future relationships I might enter into.

I've gone back now and again over the years to talk to my person for what I like to call a tune up.

Getting an emotional tune up makes perfect sense. We get our cars tuned up so why not do so for the most complicated machine we'll ever own.....our minds

When my son got sick and almost died on us back in '09 it was those talks and that one special night with Miss Laura that allowed me to retain my sanity and kept me moving forward one step and day at a time.

Now to remind each of you, that night with Miss Laura was purely an emotional release and didn't involve any kind of sexual contact. She sensed my fragile state of mind, how tightly wound I was from dealing with my son's sickness, and took it upon herself to get me rip roaring drunk so I was able to really release my feelings. I've never seen her since that night but know that I'll always be in her debt for what she did for me.

Now lately I've found myself feeling really emotional, literally almost crying at the drop of a hat, so I knew it was time for a tune up and made the call to book an appointment.

Sometimes it just takes one to make me feel like I've got a handle on things and sometimes I'm there for a few sessions, but in the end I always come around and start to feel back in control of my life.

The first part of that initial session is always hard as I don't always know what the trigger point was that brought me in but my doctor is patient and she knows how to get me to open up and begin the process.

I went in for a visit this past Wednesday and her first question to me was "How is your love life?, Are you seeing anyone?, Are you dating?"

"Non-existent, no, and no" was my response and that made her smile.

"Why are you smiling?"

"You didn't hesitate before replying so that means it is something on your mind whether you realize it or not"

I sat there and thought about her response and what she had to say makes sense as I do feel like something is missing in my life.

In prior years I've never really given being single much thought as I was content with how my life was progressing and couldn't miss what I hadn't had in quite awhile.

She made me talk about my relationship with C and how the ending of that one was really on me for the most part, how I've been avoiding putting myself out there as I'm not the most patient person when it comes to dealing with other people.

As I said those last words she sort of raised one eyebrow as if to say why not and get me to confess that I don't suffer fools easily and that is one of my biggest weaknesses as a person, the inability to see a person for something other than how they can stimulate me mentally.

Last year when I went in for my tune up I didn't actually see her as she was on a sabbatical and in Europe so we never got to talk about my relationship with C so I think she used this session to get a feel for it and how I felt about her.

She asked me what I missed the most about being in a relationship, not my relationship specifically with C but a relationship in it's most basic terms.

The first thought that came to mind was presence. The presence of someone in my life who took an interest in me, what made me well me, as I would do the same for her. We talked about this in general terms for a bit and ended the session with this question...........

"What is the first reaction you feel when I say C's name?"

"My heart skips a beat" was my instant answer

She made a note and than looked at me and said "Maybe but your eyes got a little gleam when I said her name"

"Do you miss her body?"

I think one of the reasons I like my therapist is she doesn't hold back and is always putting me on the spot, not giving me time to think about my answer but rather getting me to respond in an almost shot gun approach so the rawness comes out at the same time.

"Yes, but it's really more than just that, it's the essence of who she was, how she made me feel when I was around her, and mostly how I felt when we were apart, the sense of joy for life she forced past my barriers."

Our session came to an end and as I was getting ready to leave she looked at me, smiled, and said "You are more ready to date than you realize, you just have to accept that you deserve some joy once again in your life"

I'm not going to argue and say she is wrong but I don't think she fully understands how damn difficult I find meeting new people, let alone an attractive woman who might catch my eye. Think I've got more chance of a hole in one than I do of meeting my one again......but since it's still statistically possible for that elusive hole in one than I guess finding love is also possible..........

My name is Marcus and I don't think talking about an issue or problem is ever a bad thing, but sometimes that first conversation can be daunting, hang in there and remember this, if you can't like the person you are how can you ever expect anyone else to like the person you are........