Tuesday, February 23/16
Apologies for the title of today's post but sometimes you've just got to call it like it is and the hell with trying to be politically correct..........
I was looking at the blog earlier today and it dawned on me that I've now posted almost 300 entries over the last few years, some follow a theme, some are just out there in left field, but all have been from the heart and I hope that has come through in the words, those written and those words buried between the lines, yes there are words hidden in the words and not always on purpose, but through some unconscious trick as I put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard these days.
I know I've posted before about the duality of my personality, the logical me who uses his mind to see the world around himself, the romantic me who believes anything is possible when you are in love with all you're heart.
I've been doing a good job, nay a great job, suppressing my inner romantic these past few months, I mean what else could I do with the way things turned out for me after my epic and complete self destruction back in the fall. Yes, I've been totally fooling myself and tonight reality came knocking at the front door with a vengeance and bitch slapped the shit out of me.
But for this story to be complete I need to back up a bit and talk about my time at Movati after work and the simple question that sort of set me up for tonight's emotional roller coaster.
I would never have joined Movati if it hadn't been for C as she loved going there and actually offered at one point to get me a membership but I wasn't convinced it was for me or I'd use it enough to make it worthwhile. If I'd only known than how much it would change my life I'd have jumped at the offer with both feet.
I took yesterday off from the gym so made sure to bring my kit with me to work so I could hit the gym on my way home today.
Now back in the fall C bought me a 3 pack of t-shirts that bear the logo of her organization and though I've put some things away to avoid being reminded of her these are still in use as I'm proud of that organization and even more proud of her role within it. So under my hoodie I was wearing the grey t-shirt from that pack and as I was changing into my workout gear I noticed a guy looking at the logo and I just smiled as I headed out to begin my workout.
As I was doing some leg presses the same guy came up and told me he liked the shirt and wondered where he could get one for himself. I half laughed as I told him the only way I knew of was to either be a member of the organization or get one as a gift from someone who is a member. He asked if I was a member and I smiled and shook my head in the negative as I told him mine came as a gift from my ex girlfriend who is a member. I think the answer caught him off guard and he didn't know what to say other than sorry and walked off to do his own thing.
My mind wasn't really on my workout but I powered through and did another 40 mins of cardio before heading home for some dinner with Moki.
Dinner was some simple pasta with a side salad and a glass of Pinot Grigio.
After dinner I went downstairs to watch some Netflix and that is when things started to take a turn for the worse as I was already in a mood thinking about C.
As I scanned the recent additions I came across a remake of the movie "About Last Night" with Kevin Hart, Michael Ealy, Regina Hall , and Joy Bryant. The original had Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, James Belushi, and Elizabeth Perkins. I like the remake over the original as I think the music that plays throughout the movie is much better and the chemistry between the actors more honest with Hart & Ealy.
Now as you can tell this one is a romantic comedy which if you've read any of the older posts to this blog will know is to me what kryptonite is to Superman. Logical me was screaming to choose anything but this movie while romantic me was laughing manically as he knew what was coming and the consequences be damned.
So I curled up on the coach with Moki and spent the next two hours being reminded of what love can do to you when you let it, that sometimes you fuck things up, and every now and than you get a second chance to make things right and maybe, just maybe recover enough to find that love once again.
Unlike Michael Ealy in the movie, I won't be experiencing any such romantic recovery and that completely sucks and not in the fun way. No, I just get the reminders that we don't all get the Hollywood ending we see in the movies.
The movie made me sad, hell it made it me cry, and though there are some who will read that and mock me for confessing to such an emotion I don't give a damn as I had my one and now I don't, and trust me that loss is the deepest one I've ever felt in my life.
To make things worse the closing song is "This Time' by John Legend and the words ring so true each time I hear it.
I knew coming home it was going to be rough tonight but I just compounded it by watching that movie and listening to the one song.........romantic me is all glee as he's pummeled logical me into submission, at least for this night
Being single wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know what real love offers.
I'm single
I wish I wasn't
I'm in love
It is an unrequited love
I'm a hopeless romantic
I feel helpless
I don't think I'd have it any other way else I wouldn't be true to myself and my feelings and in the end isn't that all we really have.......truth in ourselves and the ability to feel
Marcus
Oh, I almost forgot......today's suggested song is.......you guessed it....."This Time" by John Legend
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