The Cold Hard Truth

Saturday, February 06/16

So today I did something I vowed never to do and reached out once more to C to see if we might see one another to talk about things.

Her response was concise and clear that she has absolutely no interest in me or seeing me again.

The door has been firmly shut by her and I can hear the locks engaging even as I type these words.

Deep inside my heart I knew that was the answer I was going to get but that damn romantic in me was so damned positive that this could be turned around if only we saw one another once again.

Guess I need to start paying more attention to logical Marcus from now on.

So what does this mean for me?

Life will go on and I'll eventually come around to being open to meeting someone, but that is down the road as I try and understand what I did wrong.

Love should make you smile, put butterflies in your stomach, your eyes lite up, and your heart beat faster. Sometimes it'll make you sad and cry. Love can also hurt and cause the deepest ache in your heart. The hurting part isn't enjoyable in the least but when it happens you need to take note that it also means you cared about someone, cared so deeply so as to let them inside and close to you.

I've been fortunate to deeply love two women in my life and yet that love wasn't enough to keep either one in my life. The first is the mother of my children and a wonderful woman, just not one I felt comfortable sharing my deepest fears with and in the end that cost me. The second was C and while I did feel comfortable enough to share my fears I also couldn't control my insecurity of not being good enough for her and in the end that drove her away.

They say confidence is sexy to a woman and if that's the case I might have some work cut out for me.

I know I'm good enough but just don't know how to let it become part of my mental makeup and that is the part that causes me issues.

I still like my ex, note the key word is like, and I'm absolutely still in love with C. I never saw myself being in a relationship with the depth of feelings I think one deserves until C came into my life.

There's nothing to say I can't or won't meet someone down the road who won't bring those same feeling alive in my again, but if my past serves as any indicator than I'm in for a long journey.

Marcus