Friday, April 15/16
Last Saturday was about running some errands and I made my son come along so he could get some extra behind the wheel practise and it also allowed us some time together. I've really come to enjoy the conversations we have as we are driving around or making our way through a shop.
Normally I'd be the one getting groceries on my own and our routine is when I get home he meets me at the door and I hand off a couple of bags of groceries, he puts them on the counter, and meets me back at the door for the next load. Once the car is unloaded I'll sort out things that go somewhere other than the kitchen and he moves them for me.
Now when we got home we went to the trunk and I handed him my house keys and told him to take the case of water in and I'd bring the rest of the bags in like usual. He did as asked but instead of going into the office he stood there with a confused look on his face as I walked up and waited for him to go into the house.
He turned to me and said "Dad, it smells like coffee in the house"
Now since neither of us drinks coffee and we'd been gone for almost two hours that made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Without thinking I dropped the bags and grabbed him and pulled him away from the door and told him to go stand behind the car. I don't know why I reacted that way but for some reason I'll admit to being very afraid at that moment. I slowly walked into the kitchen and he was right, there was a strong smell of coffee in the air, a very fresh smell. I looked over at the counter to check the Tassimo I'd bought back in the fall for when C was staying over as she loves her morning coffee to see if it was on but it wasn't. Neither did I see any cups on the counter or the breakfast nook, yet the scent of coffee was unmistakable. I could hear him getting anxious outside so I poked my head out the door and told him to relax while I checked things out, getting a nod of acceptance and a quick "be careful" in return.
I took my time and checked out each room and then the man cave, basement, and laundry room but couldn't see where the smell was coming from. I went back outside to see my son chatting with our next door neighbour and she asked if everything was ok and I replied I had no clue what caused the smell of coffee to be so strong but there wasn't anybody in the house nor any evidence that could explain it to my satisfaction.
As my son went to get the last bags from the back of the car I asked my neighbour, another person I know whose first name starts with C, if she'd seen anyone at the house while we were gone and she said no, she hadn't seen anyone all morning.
Something about my question or how I asked it made her pause and she looked at me for a moment before asking "You have a feeling about this don't you?"
I did and I didn't but couldn't put my finger on it and just shrugged my shoulders. She shook her head and said that wasn't a good enough answer.....and just looked at me waiting for more information.
I asked my son to sort things out and I'd be in the house in a few minutes. Once I heard him busy opening and closing cupboard doors I turned back to C and said "For a brief moment I thought C might have been here and not finding me or wanting to wait around she left".
Neighbour C squeezed my shoulder and said she wished she could say it happened but as far as she knew there hadn't been anyone around. I thanked her and went inside to finish putting things away.
As I was moving things around I could sense my son standing behind me and without turning around told him I didn't know what made the house smell like coffee but everything was ok. He sort of snorted and replied he wasn't worried about that but more wondered who I thought had been in the house, knowing that only four people have a key to my house: me, him, his sister and C.
He asked me if I thought it was C and I told him for a brief moment I had but I doubted she'd have been there without leaving me a note so while anything is possible I wasn't betting the mortgage money on it. He smiled at me as he reached past me to grab a bottle of cold water and I could hear him softly saying "stranger things have happened pops" as he headed to his room and some serious gaming.
In the span of a few minutes I experienced the gamut of emotions: fear, worry, hope, and regret.
The rest of the day went without any further incidents and it wasn't until dinner that my son broached the subject again when he asked me "what would you have done if she had been here?"
My best answer and the I gave him was that I really don't know. I have days where I'm able to put that out of my life and then those days where literally anything can remind me of my loss.
I know I screwed things up with C that week she was in town for her meetings but upon more thought I don't think that was enough for her to end things with me so I'm once again at that place in life where something was happening with her that I'm party too or fully aware of, something or things that led her to the decision she made.
I guess what I'd like most is to talk face to face to see what happened. We had talked about so many things we hoped to do together and I just don't understand how we go from there to not speaking for going on almost six months now. Yes, it's been six months and I still have feelings for her, strong one's if I'm honest with myself, I mean for me to have been thinking about marriage means there was something more there than just a physical connection as for me the mental is as important as the physical, and she rocked me in both those worlds.
My name is Marcus and I'm not as far along on my road to recovery as I had thought. Guess it's time to rethink my approach to dealing with this whole situation as I've got to get on with my life.
\M
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