Friday, March 04/16
So I've been struggling with how to deal with my son when it comes to his efforts, or lack thereof, related to school and homework.
I am a huge believer in getting as much education as possible, not for the ability to say you've got X number of degrees but for the opportunities that it offers you in life. Let's face it, someone with a degree has a better chance of pursuing a career they enjoy than someone who doesn't, excluding athletes who just use school to be able to play a sport.
Now I'm not saying those without degrees are somehow lesser than those with one, no what I'm saying is that the options to pursue different avenues are more readily available to someone one than someone without.
Both of my kids are pretty damn smart and both have been a source of great frustration for me and my ex at times. It is almost funny how the parent who has been frustrated has been the one with the same gender as the child - my daughter drove my ex crazy and now my son is starting to have the same effects on me.
He understands the importance of getting good grades but it seems like every time I check to see how he's doing he's taking a break of some kind. It has left me feeling like a nagging parent and that isn't something I've ever desired to be before. I've tried reminding him that his chosen career requires a university degree and he understands the emphasis on achieving a high average and then seems to slip back into what I like to call "goofing around". It wouldn't be so hard to handle if all of his report cards haven't had comments about how smart he is and how he needs to learn to apply himself more to get the grades he's capable of.
I've asked him if he likes the life he leads now and how that is all due to the efforts made by his mother and myself, that to get the same life for himself and his own family he has to put forth more effort. All of this seems to last for a bit and then we're back to the same old effort again in a couple of weeks.
I was talking to his mother about the whole situation on Monday and she reminded me of how much trouble we had with our daughter and that no matter how hard we push we can't make him do the work, that at some point we have to hope he sees the light and changes his approach. I told her I got what she was saying but it was literally tearing me up inside as I know how much I struggled in school before it all sort of clicked my senior year of high school and carried forward to university, that this wasn't what I wanted for him, and how I was starting to almost dread my weeks with him as it just feels like all I do is push him to do his school work.
She sighed and told me as hard as this was going to be I really needed to step back and let him do things his way, that it was true he might completely bomb out a semester and than hopefully come to realize what needed to be done to hit his dreams. I understood her message and said I was going to try my best whereupon she laughed and said that would be one of my greatest feats ever if I actually could step back. That sort of stung but as I thought about her comment it also made sense as I have tended to be very protective of him since his health scare back in 2009.
So I took the rest of that night and the following day to think about the whole issue and decided I do need to step back and let him do things his way.
When I got home from work on Tuesday I sat down with him and outlined my issues, how I hated the parent I'd become, and how I was going to stop pushing him about school. I told him that at almost 17 he needed to become more independent and stand on his own feet without having me monitoring his every act. I told him about how hard I'd found school, that my own struggles made me that much more determined that he wouldn't have the same ones himself, that if he needed help his mom and I would make it available but that from this point forward the ball was in his court.
I told him that unfortunately for him he had two parents who were intelligent and had passed that along to him in his DNA, a tough cross to bear but one with infinite rewards if only used the right way. He asked me how I struggled if I was able to earn three degrees and I told him it was all through blood, sweat, and tears. That when I got to grade 12 I knew it was time to buckle down and make the grades I needed so that I could pursue a university degree so I stopped playing football and baseball and just focused on school, that my weekends were spent in libraries trying to catch up on the material I'd spent years blowing off through half assed efforts, that my university days were spent the same way, school at day and working nights as a janitor so I could have the days free for classes and homework.
He asked if my parents helped out and I had to laugh at that and explained I'm positive that neither of them ever even knew what classes I had during my four years of high school. I could see the understanding forming as he realized it was that very lack of interest on their part that had made me always attentive to what classes he was taking and how things were going in them.
I said I had to step back or we'd end up fighting like his mom and sister fought back when she was in high school, asking if he remembered her leaving home due to avoid her mom, and how that wasn't where I wanted our relationship to end up. I told him that my decision didn't mean I loved him any less or didn't care about him but was more my best effort to keep the relationship we have and maybe, just maybe, help him understand what it takes to succeed in life when the cards aren't necessarily in your favour.
As we finished things up he gave me a hug and headed to his room to work on his chemistry and I went to make dinner.
I have to admit I was shaking as I prepped the potatoes and felt sick to my stomach, full of doubt whether this is the right approach to take, I'm not sure but something needs to change or I'll end up losing him as we battle over things and that is not something I'm ever going to let happen.
Christ, just writing this entry has me upset and I can feel the tears demanding release.........
I guess the next few weeks he is over at my place will tell me how well things are going and how he's doing. It's so easy to have a child and so damn hard to be a parent at times.
I was talking with someone a while back and she made the comment that her ex had only wanted to be a father to his son and not a dad and that had struck me as an odd choice of words but on more reflection it makes sense......being a father means paying the bills and being a dad means not only paying the monetary bills but the emotional ones as well............I am proud to be a dad to my kids in every sense of the word.
I'm going to see how things go and keep you updated as maybe some of you are going through the same thing and can learn from my efforts.
Normally this is something you'd share with your spouse or partner but seeing as how I'm single there aren't the same options open to me and that is where this blog comes in handy as a way of letting me vent and seeing new possibilities....for that I thank you the readers
My name is Marcus and this blog chronicles my attempts at parenting, working, mastering the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, dating, and maybe falling in love for the very last time............
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