Sunday, March 27/16
Yesterday I had some errands to run and decided to use that as an opportunity to get my son some more behind the wheel experience as he'll be taking his G1 test in May and the more he drives the more confident he becomes.
Now having my own driver is kind of cool and even though I can't relax as much when he's driving as I do when my daughter drives it's still different sitting in the passenger seat and observing him as he masters yet another one of life's little obstacles.
We both were in the mood for some Sushi and ended up at our usual spot for lunch. After getting seated and placing our order we settled in some general chit chat about things going on in our lives, with me telling him about the craziness that has been and will be work for the next little while, and him bringing me current on how school is going. As usual our talk turned to soccer and what we think will develop in the various leagues as the seasons wind down, how his summer soccer might work out given his move back to recreational soccer from rep, and who we think has the best chance of winning Euro 2016.
As our food was arriving and we were each going after our favourites he mentioned he'd tried a new place near the Kanata Centrum with his mom that wasn't full meals but rather little samples of different dishes from all over the place, I asked how he liked it and he said it was different, and for some reason it made me ask him if he had tried Haggis when he'd been in England last summer.
Well from the confused look I knew he hadn't as I think it's something you remember if you've ever tried it before and this was confirmed when he asked me what it was. Seeing the look on his face was almost priceless as he visualized what I described, I almost felt kind of sorry for him as I thought he might get sick for a moment but he got over it. I asked if he'd had bangers and mash and he said he'd tried it and also real fish and chips, though it was so large he didn't even have a snack that night afterward, which if you have a teenage son means a lot as they can eat and eat all the time!!!
Thinking about the different foods he'd tried made me wonder about the route of the trip they took as I was curious if they'd been through Belgium on the way from Paris to London and he said he didn't think so as they caught the ferry in some dreary port on the coast of France. I brought up a map of Europe on my iPhone and we figured out they'd crossed at Calais.
He asked why I was asking and I said they got lucky when they went as it was before all the mess of the attacks in Paris and now recently Brussels. I told him I'd just been curious how close they'd been to both epicentres. He said he'd thought about it each time he'd heard of the attacks and was glad that they missed out on that and was home safe and sound.
We went back to chatting about sports as if an unspoken agreement had come up to not mention how close it had been for them while on holiday.
After a few moments I could see him struggling a bit and knew there was something he wanted to say to me but didn't know how to broach the subject so I put my chop sticks down and smiled at him and said "Whatever you want to say or ask isn't going to ask itself son"
He looked around and than back at me and softly replied "but what if what I ask makes you feel sad?"
I paused for a moment and told him "if what you ask me helps you deal with something than I'm more than ok to deal with any pain it might bring me"
Once more he looked around and then said "but what if it's about C?"
I didn't know where this was going so I took a sip of water to gather my thoughts before replying "I'm not sure what you want to ask but lets get it out in the open and deal with it instead of what if'ing it to death ok"
"I know you think about her more than you let on and I was wondering how much you worried about her these days"
I asked what he meant and he said he remembered what I'd said about C and her career and how she'd been in dangerous spots in the past and wondered if recent events made me think more about her and how I was dealing with it all.
I took my time answering as it had all been on my mind a lot lately, not that I could do anything about it but it was still something I was coping with mentally.
I told him when she was working downtown I never really worried about it as her role at that time was more supportive and these things wouldn't have directly impacted her at that time but that as she moved into her new position it was something on my mind all the time. That I knew she could be sent anywhere around the world on literally a moments notice and it had scared the hell out of me. The one time I was up at her place last summer when her work cell started going off at 2am almost made me stop breathing and it wasn't until I was able to understand that there was an issue with some of the people who reported to her and not a call to go somewhere did my heart slow down.
He asked how she reacted when I told her I was afraid for her and I explained I'd never had that conversation with her as the last thing she needed to think about was me worrying about her if she did get sent somewhere dangerous. If that happened she'd have to deal with her concerns for her people and how her boys would be thinking about her, there was no way I was going to add to that mental load, not when she needed me to just support her without adding weight.
I could sense his next question and beat it to it when I said "Yes, that wasn't the right thing to do as I should have shared my feelings but at the time it seemed the best approach"
He smiled at me and said maybe I'd get a chance to rectify my error and I just smiled and wondered when he became such an optimist and didn't have the heart to tell him that boat had sailed on with her finding new happiness and love.
The truth is that I do still worry about her when I hear some of the things going on around the world and the dangers it might cause her, but on the other hand I know she doing something she loves and is damn good at so there's no way I would have ever let her know how damn scared I'd have been had she been sent to deal with these kinds of things. No, I'd have put on my brave face and let her know that I'd be here when she got back......but we moved past that so now I just send safe thought her way whenever something bad happens in the world.
As we left the restaurant my son gave me a love tap on the arm and told me he hoped he hadn't brought up any bad memories and I smiled and told him all my thoughts of and for C were all good and not to worry that much about me as I'm not made of crystal.
Ironically, Brussels is one of the spots open to C for her new assignment when her current one ends and we'd talked about the opportunity of going there for 2 years............
To C and all of those like her.......stay safe and come home to those waiting for you with love and hope.......
Marcus
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