November 25/15
My musical recommendation today is "Way Down We Go" by Kaleo
The beat and rhythm reach something inside of me with this one so take a listen and let me know what you think.
I had to stop and buy a birthday card for someone at lunch today so after picking one, paying for it, filling it out, and mailing it I found myself hungry and decided to grab a quick bite to eat at McDonald's, where I ran into two people (D & M) I used to work with at my old job.
I think we were all surprised to see one another and they made some comments about me being a stranger after getting the boot and I explained that I just needed some separation as I sorted out my feelings about getting turfed back in April.
We ordered, snagged a table, and proceeded to get caught up on everything that had happened to us over the last few months. I was more up-to-date on things at the old company than they knew given I golfed a lot with B over the summer and he kept me informed on the goings on. One thing I learned was that the SVP of Sales had just been given the boot last week so there is some karma in the world and now if the controller could be shown the door I'd have such a nice little smile, not that I hold any grudges lol
So as we were finishing up D asked me how things were going with C and I had to explain that we weren't together anymore and went on to explain how I basically blew things up between us.
D sat there and exchanged a look with M before she looked at me and said matter of fact "You are a complete asshole, you know that right?"
I hung my head and said she was totally right, I am a complete asshole as I had finally found the one and what did I do? I drove her off.
M asked me if I'd called her and I said I can't do that as C was firm in telling me it was over and my calling the last time was what triggered off my insecurity about her finding someone better, to do that again would just leave me on edge.
So the question came up about what I was going to do about it and I just shook my head and said nothing, sometimes you fuck things up so badly there is no coming back from it, this is one of those times for me.
D leaned over and gave me a hug and said she was sorry as she really liked C and thought we made a great couple, I said thanks and imagine how I feel about it since I more than liked her and was thinking of moving to be with her........
So there are times I wonder about myself, knowing full well there are things that make me a decent individual and then there are those times I know I'm a complete fucking mess, sometimes we get reminded of this when we least expect it, like today for me by running into old co-workers.
Now some people might be mad at D for calling them an asshole but I'm not some people, I'm the guy who tries to call it as it is and not delude himself. So D was and is right, I'm an asshole for driving off the one I'd been searching for all these years.
Some might say that maybe she wasn't the one I've been searching for all this time but you know when the one crosses your path, trust me on that, and she was the one....absolutely and completely the one for me.............
My job now is to stop being an asshole and try and put my life back together in such a way that I might be able to consider dating again in the future. The saying actually goes "the not too distant future" but who are we kidding here folks, I've got some serious issues to resolve before I dare put myself out there again!
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