Jumbled Feelings

November 12/15

So it looks like the daughter has been talking to the son about dear old dad.

I come to this conclusion based on a conversation with my son as I drove him to work tonight where he asked me what I was doing this weekend. I mentioned that the weather was looking almost good for some golf on Sunday and he laughed and asked me does my golf ever end. I asked what he meant and he said every time we've talked over the last few weeks I've commented on my most recent round and how it's probably my last and that made me laugh as it's so true.

I explained that since it soon will be my last for the next 5 1/2 months I was going to take advantage of every chance I had to get out there and chase the little white ball around a course.

He said I should really consider getting a membership next year seeing as how I'll have more time in town. I asked what he meant by that and he said he knew that C and I weren't together anymore and I wouldn't be playing any golf up the valley next season. I asked how he knew and he said his sister had told him Monday night via text and that he should keep an eye on me and let her know how I was doing. He then asked me how was I doing lol

I thought about it and said better this time around than last and I appreciated him and his sister caring but it was my job to worry about them and not the other way around. This made him smile and as he was getting out of the car to head off to his last shift he said that wasn't how our family rolled and he was right...we do keep an eye out on one another

So as I drove home I thought why wasn't I as devastated this time when C pulled the plug on us and I think part of it was that I never really got as invested as I should have.

Now this isn't too mean I didn't love her as man oh man I did....I do.....but more that I think the way we came back together sort of set things up to be more difficult than they should have been.

When we broke up last time she was getting slammed trying to prepare for a new intense career assignment, selling her home, relocating her boys to their dad's house and all the worries that go with that as well the new school they'd be attending, looking for a place to live up in the valley, reconciling herself to the fact that she wouldn't see her boys very often over the next two years as compared to having them every week full time, and trying to figure out how to balance a long distance relationship.

While I wasn't thrilled with that decision I did understand her reasoning and stepped back when she made her mind up so as to relieve one item from the list of things demanding her attention.

After two months I reached out to see how things were going and we ended up reconnecting and getting back together almost as if nothing had happened, we even decided that we wouldn't let the time apart count negatively towards our time together, meaning we decided to act like those missing two months never happened.

The problem with this was that I was always wondering what would have happened if I hadn't reached out, would we have ever gotten back in touch or gone our separate ways. For me the hard part was thinking here I was the one with the broken heart making the move and it sort of left me feeling like I was the more invested in us, not really the situation but the mind/heart thinks what it wants with little regard to logic.

So while we were together I always wondered what was going on in her mind and if I wasn't a stop gap while she sorted everything out. Not how it was but again bringing logic into this is like trying to explain thermodynamics to a pig.

I don't know if my self confidence would have handled things better if she had been the one to make that call but I do know that I might have felt a little more pride in myself as I think I came across as kind of weak by being the one who got dumped and yet called to check on the other person.

All of these thoughts have been welling around inside me and I wish I had discussed this with C so that maybe we could have worked this out but as they say, what's done is done.

A follower sent me a message the other day saying to just follow the path I'm on and she felt that C and I would end up together once again but I don't think that is an option now as we've both been hurt and I think would be ultra careful letting our feelings out for fear that they might be stepped on again.

The hardest part is that when I think of her I only see her gorgeous eyes and awesome smile. Just thinking of her makes me feel happy and sad at the same time.

While I was waiting on some reports to run this afternoon I too the opportunity to update the wallpaper on my phone from a picture of my son to one of my son and daughter together when I came across the very first cell picture I took of C...almost one year ago as we were wandering in and out of stores down in the Byward Market after we finished our lunch with neither of us wanting the date to end. I took a few moments to scroll through all the pictures on my phone and was pleasantly surprised to see just how many pictures I have of C.. Out at restaurants, my old company Christmas party, before her organizations annual ball, our holiday in Jamaica, and far too many of her snuggled up on a couch with Moki......one lucky puppy

So as I've posted before....this would have been one year for us this weekend and the amazing thing is that in that year we did a lot together, including losing my heart more than once, and through it all it never seemed like a year had passed. For me that is a great sign that you are with the person you're meant to share life with, least ways till you end up letting your insecurities take over and test that person.

When I picked my son up from work I thanked him for caring about me and while this weekend is really going to suck big time I'm going to get through it and be ok.....maybe not right away but for sure there will come a morning when I don't check for a text from her without thinking or fall asleep staring at the empty place next to me.

So this Sunday I'll be at a certain restaurant come 3pm standing at the bar and have a drink while silently toasting the one who got away, thankful that while our time was cut short, there had been a time for us..................