Happy New Years!!!!

December 31/15

Wishing each of you a very Happy New Years!!!

I hope the New Year brings you peace, happiness, health, and love.

2015 has been interesting for me in a lot of ways, some good and some not so good, but a year well lived and I'm hoping 2016 follows form and gives me much fodder to blog about.

This time last year I was nervously waiting to spend the evening with C at her friend T's place and meeting a new group of her friends. Nothing beats ringing in the New Year sharing a kiss with the one you love :)

My plans have changed for this year from possibly being with C at one of our houses or on a beach somewhere down south to now being the designated driver for my son and some friends as they'll be ringing in the New Year at a house party.  While it's not the night I'd been hoping for it won't be all bad as I'll be doing that all important dad thing for my son and be there for him.

Come the ringing of the bell and dropping of the ball in Times Square I'll raise my glass of Pepsi and toast my family and friends, and yes, say a soft message of hope to the one that got away, she won't hear me but something tells me she'll know it somehow :)

Goodbye 2015 and welcome 2016!!!!

Moki and the Sighs

December 31/15

Today's musical recommendation is "Let It Go" by Laidback Luke featuring Trevor Guthrie.

It might be a bit indicative of where I'm heading with my life and the recent changes :)


Today's blog title sort of sounds like a 50's rock band doesn't it?

Last night I was lounging on the couch down in the man cave watching the movie Ashby with Mickey Rourke, Nat Wolff, Emma Roberts, and Sarah Silverman. A little more thought provoking than I was expecting but a good watch nonetheless.

So about halfway through the movie Moki was snuggled up next to me when she suddenly raised her head and looked at the opposite end of the couch and let out a huge sigh before turning to look at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen her flash me and trust me that dog knows how to work the eyes.

I paused the movie and rubbed behind her ear asking what was wrong and she, I kid you not, looked back at the other end of the couch and gave another sigh before resting her head on my thigh.

Now to say I was both perplexed and worried might be an understatement as Moki can be very chatty when she wants, what with her looks and playful nipping at my hands, but I've never seen her act like this before.

I sat there watching her and glanced over to where she'd been looking when she made the sighs and it suddenly hit me like a Nolan Ryan fastball........she had been looking at the spot C used to sit when she was over and expressing her own sense of loss as she had a wonderful connection with C, sometimes such that I think the little diva would have gladly gone with C up the valley if given the opportunity.

As this all dawned on me I could see in my mind past moments where we'd been watching Suits and Moki had been curled up in C's lap or stretched out along her legs and I knew that Moki was missing C in her own special way and letting me know that I wasn't the only one to suffer from my actions.

Thinking about this made me realize that Moki has been more on edge to noises around the house and now I think it was her being ultra alert to C coming home and not understanding where her other human friend had gone.

I'm pretty confident my kids are doing fine, other than worrying about me, as we hadn't really interacted enough with the kids on a regular basis to have that bond develop but I totally forgot all about Moki and how excited she'd get when C was at my place or we made the "valley drive" as I used to call it to go and see C at her place this summer.

It is kind of a sad funny how when we go through something we don't always think of the impact it has on anyone else let alone our furry family.

I restated the movie and made a note to myself to be a little more attentive to Moki as she has had a loss in her life just as much as I have with the departure of C.


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"

My own private sadist reminded me......

December 30/15

I think the Verve's Bitter Sweet Symphony is the perfect pairing to this blog entry :)

So over the weekend I wasn't at the gym as much as I should have been and this morning I was reminded once again that my goal of dropping weight and getting more toned is part of a continuous process that requires my active, willing or not, participation if it's going to succeed.

How was I reminded? Connor took no pity on me and using some highly thought out routines proceeded to blow my legs up with standard squats mixed with bar bell presses that were followed by the worst torture ever and put on display for everyone on the floor to see.......

Walking lunges!!!!

Here is what they look like:

Now I'm not going to try and kid you into thinking that's me above or that the weights I was carrying across my shoulders were that heavy but when you've not been active almost any weight is going to be tough....especially as you attempt the walking lunge across a 30 yard distance and than back.

I was fairly good on the way out but lost it half way back as my thighs just turned to jelly.

Connor took some pity on me and didn't make me crawl the last 10 yards but I think he considered it for a few moments.

He reminded me that because our sessions only last 30 minutes they have to be highly intense in order to get the most out of them and that I need to be committed to coming in on my off days and doing the equipment circuit he has outlined for my training if I hope to get the most results, and I do, I really do.

I finished off with 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, my self chosen instrument of pain, as my cool down period before heading home to shower and head off to work.

I had some shirts hanging in the armour in the basement and went down to find one and had a rude awakening when I started back up the stairs when my right thigh muscle went into spasms in protest lol

I could picture it looking up at me and saying "You might want to rethink that whole going to work thing as I think we're down here for a bit buddy" lol

Happy to report after a moment I was able to power my way up the stairs, not without a bit of pain, and get my ass to work.

You can guess where I'll be tomorrow morning and at some point on New Years Day as I'll be damned if that sadist is going to get the best of me again come this Saturday!!!!!


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"

The Reflecting Gets A Helping Hand From A Movie

December 30/15

Give this one a listen and let me know what you think: Legendary by Powers


So late last night I'm laying in bed making some notes for the blog on my iPad when my phone pings that I've got some new emails so I pause to check them out and lo and behold I've got a couple asking me where the blog entry is for today.......

Reading them made me chuckle and remind myself that a promise made must be kept and I did make a promise a while back to blog more often, and to be fair I do think I've been doing better, what with the days I've posted multiple entries for your amusement and edification. (Yes, the blogger is now into using big words these days for some strange reason)

My last post talked about how this time of year gets one to reflecting on things that have transpired over the course of the preceding twelve months and the trend continued yesterday as I got into a discussion with my friend Andy from the logistics department over lunch.

I've been doing a much better job of being more extroverted at the new job and can say I've made some new friends, Andy & Victor among them and both work in logistics, which is kind of odd since I don't really deal with that group as part of my day to day activities.

So as we headed down to the cafeteria to grab lunch before they closed, it's on reduced hours this week given the low attendance in the building, Andy asked me how my weekend was and what cool things I got for Xmas. We exchanged details and as we stood in line waiting for our orders he turned and asked me what I got from C. I didn't respond for a moment and he asked me what was wrong and I told him that we'd broken up back in October. He seemed flustered and apologized saying he had no clue as I hadn't said anything about it. I told him I was still dealing with it and just trying not to think about her too much. He sort of laughed and asked how that was going for me, I asked what did he mean by that, he just shook his head and said there were many times lately that he'd noticed me sitting at my desk apparently lost in thought and that he wasn't the only person in our area to comment about it. I sort of ruefully shook my head and said some days are better than others but all in all not too great.

As we sat down he asked me what happened, prefacing it by saying it was none of his business and if  it was too hard to talk about we could discuss how crappy my beloved ManU is playing these days.

I said it was ok and maybe talking would help me a bit so I gave him the scoop. His first comment was that "You were fine with the distance when she was up the valley but as soon as she's down in the city not being able to get a hold of her bothered you?"

I looked up from my soup and replied "I never said I wasn't an idiot now did I?"

I think he sensed my mood shifting and asked me if I'd seen any movies over the weekend and I explained my daughter and her boyfriend had showed me a streaming site and I was able to watch a few new ones over the past few days. He asked for some of the names and I mentioned Sunshine on Leith, The Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials, Pitch Perfect 2, and Sleeping With Other People.

He laughed and said does he dare ask what the last one was about and I chuckled in response.

So before I go on I'll provide the obligatory "SPOILER ALERT" and let you decide if you want to continue or go surf another site................

Ok, guessing if you're still reading this that you've decided to read on or are just too damn lazy to bother trying to find a more interesting site. Trust me there are a lot of them :)

The movie is about a good-natured womanizer and a serial cheater who form a platonic relationship that helps reform them in ways, while a mutual attraction sets in.

Jason Sudeikis plays Jake the womanizer and Alison Brie plays Lainey the serial cheater. Both have great chemistry in the movie and you can see them falling for each other at some point, after of course dealing with some internalized issues.  I explained the premise to Andy and talked about the scene where Jake has his bullshit called out by his boss on why he treats women like he does and he pleads innocent but you can see the wheels turning as he starts to understand his actions better and realizes his first sexual encounter was with the woman of his dreams and how he pushes all others away after a bit as they can't measure up to his memories. Of course this woman is Lainey and they lost their virginity's to one another back in college. Don't be mad, I did warn you about the spoiler alert now didn't I?

As I finished describing the scene I looked outside at the snow and didn't say anything for a bit so Andy asked if I was ok. I shrugged and said I could see some of me in the character of Jake. Andy sat back and asked "you think you are a womanizer?"

Not in the sense of the character in the movie but in a more loosely defined way I do think I am.

You see I tend to talk to women and things go along smoothly and then when it comes time to do the whole meet and greet thing, whether it's for drinks or a meal, I find an excuse and bail. My history is replete with examples. I once posted a blog about my dating numbers and they aren't huge but here is the fact that I left out of that blog, most likely subconsciously, that for each date I've been on with a woman there are probably two to three that I've bailed on. None of this is because they were bad people but mostly because I just couldn't see anything happening long run and because of that I didn't want to waste either of our time. Sounds kind of harsh and maybe another reason I can legitimately be called an asshole.

Andy pushed his tray back and said that might have been true in the past but he couldn't say for sure since we only became friends in June and anyways how do I explain dating C if that is my modus operandi?

I smiled and said in the grand scheme of things C is my Lainey. The one who made me see the world around me in a different light. Plus it didn't hurt that she was the bolder one of us and made all the first moves thus removing those opportunities for me to cut the line and run.

As we headed for the elevator and back to work he asked me how I even met C and I told him on eHarmony. He asked what it was like in the dating world and I told him honestly my worst nightmare being as I'm a total introvert around women and thank goodness for eHarmony lol  He asked if I was on other sites and I told him I'd tried Plenty of Fish years ago but its more a meat market than anything, basically the place to go to find sex. He looked at me kind of oddly so I explained that sex is easy but real love so much harder to find, to build upon, and to keep for the duration, case in point my results with C.

He asked what was going to happen now between C and myself and I replied nothing. I had reached out at Xmas to see how she was and if there was a chance of meeting and been told it was not something she was interested in. He asked if I thought that meant she'd found someone and I said I didn't really know and would prefer not to ever know as that might be too much for me to handle at the moment.

As I sat down at my desk and begin pretending to review the revenue allocation worksheet used to calculate transfer pricing among our foreign subsidiaries it dawned on me that I don't know what is going on with her and hadn't really thought much along those lines.

It's almost comical how this breakup has left me feeling more down than the ending of my marriage did eight years ago. How I took a vow at that point to never let myself become involved with anyone or have a real relationship and C came along and blew those vows to dust, lighting up my life and actually getting me contemplating asking her the big question.

Not sure what to make of all this other than maybe it's Karma for something I did in a prior life but sure beats believing in reincarnation and coming back as the gnat on a donkeys ass doesn't it.


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"

As one closes another opens.......

December 28/15

My musical suggestion today comes from James Bay with "Let It Go"

So here we are the last day of my four day weekend and it appears to be one of reflection for me on the year that is fast coming to an end.

I'm not really too big on sayings and yet they seem to permeate the blog a lot more than I would have expected these days.  The current one is "As one door closes, another door opens" and I think it is dead on for the year as we look at the end of 2015 and the fresh opportunities of 2016.

But here is the thing folks, this is strictly an arbitrary demarcation of time as can you really say that the mere passing of the clock to one second past midnight on the 31st magically transforms our lives in such a way as to put the past year into storage and leave us thinking that the new year offers all kinds of wonderful opportunities.

No, I think the key to all of this is remembering that we have the ability to make our lives change as we want them to change. It's almost hilarious how people decide that January is the month they are suddenly going to head to the gym and get into shape, give up a vice like smoking, or develop new hobbies. Any these can be undertaken at any time of our choosing so lets stop kidding ourselves into believing that the changing of one year for another is the critical moment. That moment is actually that point in time where you realize it needs to be done and than motivating yourself to get it done.

My decision to head back to the gym could easily have been put off to the new year but I made the call to start in November when the thought crossed my mid and proceeded to bounce around my somewhat empty head, the damn ringing this caused almost drove me bonkers.

My reflections have been about the numerous things that happened during the year, both good and bad, both extraordinary and routine. If we're lucky our life has ample occurrence's of all of them.

2015 saw me in in a relationship, broken up, got back together, and alone once more. Those were good, bad, extraordinary, and almost routine. I found the ability to love with all my heart and had it reciprocated in kind, I developed patience in dealing with distance, well to some extent I did, and realized that what I brought to the relationship wasn't measured by my income or possessions, but rather the way I made her feel when we were together, how she missed me when we were apart, and how I changed myself to be a better person worthy of that love without even knowing I was doing it.

There was a point where it dawned on me that C made quite a bit more than me and it bothered me for a little while as I didn't think I was bringing equal weight to the relationship. We talked about it and I knew from her words and smile that I was being completely silly as it was me the person who mattered to her and not my bank account. Her generosity wasn't out of pity but love in seeing those around her happy and being able to make them smile.

It's taken me a while to figure out that when she looked at me she didn't see my pear shape but rather the man I was inside, the one who stood tall for his family and friends, the man who worried about her when she was out of the office as she is in a dangerous occupation, but one I'd never tell to quit as I know how much she loves what she does and how important it is to her and our country.

This weekend didn't go as it should have as instead of being alone and splitting time between the gym and binge watching Netflix I should have been spending it with C, probably doing some of those same things but also wandering around Chapters, Golf Town, Ikea, and maybe hitting the market for dinner and a walk around Parliament to see the lights. Instead of waking up to Moki hogging the bed I should have been waking up to the view of an exquisite hip. My walk with Moki would have been a twin act and not a solo performance.

All in all, not the weekend I'd been planning a few months ago but the one I got nonetheless and the one I will have moving forward as I had the most imperfectly perfect woman for myself and didn't accept things as they were without doubting my worthiness.

It is one thing to be self aware and do some self evaluations and quite another to do so in such a manner as to be making yourself worry about nonexistent issues, as I did.

For as smart as I am, and I'm actually pretty damn smart given the tests, I can be pretty damn stupid at times when it comes to matters of the heart and my own views on my self. It something I've been working on and thought I'd conquered but for some reason all my self doubts came back when C made the move to her new position. It's funny how I didn't feel them before she made the move as a lot of the same people I compared myself against were present in her life but for some reason her being there and me being here just made them stand out more in my mind.

The last year saw me fall head over heals for her and thinking about the future in ways I never thought would cross my mind. Funny how love can take you down a path you don't see yourself walking but when you find yourself on it, it just feels so natural.

I miss C far more than I've ever missed someone before. I feel worse inside right now than I did when my marriage ended and that should make me feel bad as that was the mother of my children but yet I don't.....not because I didn't care for the mother of my children but more because I knew C was the one, the one I'd searched for my entire life. She moved me out of my comfort zone like nobody else has ever done and that was amazing.

My son is in Sudbury this weekend with his mom and her boyfriend visiting his family and out of the blue I got this text "Dad, pain is fleeting but the memory lasts a lifetime"

I don't have a clue what made him send it as we haven't spoken since Christmas but sometimes I think I've got to check my place for hidden cameras as between the two of them my kids have this uncanny knack of sending me well timed texts with subtle and sublime messages that just seem to hit home.

Come this Thursday I'll be raising a toast to C and thanking her for making my 2015 so special, wishing her nothing but an awesome 2016, and maybe taking more of those baby steps towards an emotional recovery that lets me begin to the see the beauty around me once again.

As we move closer to the end of the year over the next few days I'll be blogging about my year and all I went through, as a means of entertaining you, reminding myself of how good it really was, and gently packing away my package in preparation of the new year and maybe creating some new memories.


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"

Anna Kendrick

December 27/15

One of my favourite thespians has to be Miss Anna Kendrick. She is a wonderful performer, can sing like nobody's business, is pretty much drop dead beautiful, and has a comedic wit about her that makes me smile every time I watch her...on film or TV that is.....what other kind of watching would I be doing?.......I mean with the restraining order and all it is now much harder to steal one of her straws.........I'm just kidding.......or am I?........I really am just kidding

AK, as her friends like to call her, like I know what her friends call her, hell for all I know her nickname might be blue balls for all she causes....just kidding...........back to my rambling blog entry...AK is doing these mini commercials for Kate Spade and they are hilarious.

I stumbled upon them when reading some of her recent tweets.....man can that woman tweet and draw some serious chuckles.......so without further ado please check out this link and watch the four episodes posted so far.......

https://www.katespade.com/missadventure/episode-3/?cm_sp=anna110615-_-anna-_-episode1

and never have I ever been so jealous of a dog, someone named Milo, or a dog named Milo as I am of Milo :)

Anna, if you're ever up in Ottawa give me a shout and I'll treat you to a beaver tail......no, not that kind you saucy little minx but rather a truly Canadian pastry that fuels us through the winter and skating on the Rideau Canal.

And yes, to answer the unspoken question being tossed about the room by that damn elephant, Anna is on my list....as creepy as that sounds lol

Enjoy folks and Google her twitter for some more laughs :)

Marcus

Boxing Day Laughs

December 26/15

Today's musical suggestion is "11:11" by the Arkells, another Canadian Indie band. What can I say, we rock good music in the True North!!!!


So this morning I received a text from a friend telling me she was heading out to do some Boxing Day shopping and she wondered if I wanted to tag along and she'd buy lunch afterwards.

As tempting as that was, I mean who doesn't like a free meal, I declined saying I'd rather have both my testicles removed with a rusty butter knife without any anesthesia than face any more shopping.

She texted me back a smiley face and called me a wuss!. I can live with that as I've been called much worse in my life for much better reasons lol

I ended up taking Moki for her morning walk , why not as I was awake now, and worked on her off leash commands as I like letting her off her leash and running around like the puppy she is. As we were walking down the path towards the elementary school we came across a woman walking her dog and pushing her baby in a stroller. Moki got all excited as the other dog was off leash as well but she did really good and stayed by my side. As we passed one another Moki hesitated and I let her go and say hello thinking she would try and play with the other dog but no, she wanted to say hi to the other human instead, which sort of miffed the other dog a bit.

We proceeded on our walk and made the circuit around the park and once again came across the other dog and her owner. They'd stopped at the big end of the park and she was throwing a ball for her dog to chase down. Moki looked at me and I said "Go" and waved my hand outwards and she didn't need a second invitation and shot off like a puck off of Erik Karlsson's stick on a power play!!!

She sprinted across the grass only to find her efforts ignored as the other dog paid her no attention, possibly out of revenge for Moki's earlier transgression. Moki ran over to the lady and got some attention and then sprinted full out back to where I was standing and jumped up at me for some love.

She kept looking from me to the other dog and I smiled down and said "You had your chance puppy and looks like she doesn't want to play" and started to walk home once more. As I did Moki begin spinning around in circles, something she does when she gets excited, and I couldn't help but bursting out in laughter and smiles as she is just so darn cute.

Our walk ended with a treat and fresh hugs and now I'm going to get ready to head off to the gym for my own endorphin rush.

No shopping for this guy....maybe a movie later and I've still got to run by my ex's place as my daughter texted me that there is a sugar pie in the fridge for me from my former mother-in-law, pays to stay on good terms with your partners as you never know what kind of treats you could end up with :)

For those braving a mall today, my hat is off to you and remember to have a cold one when you get home as I hear it aids in recovering from the shock lol

Day two of my four day weekend :)

My name is Marcus and this blog marks my journey in life as a father, friend, golfer, and potential partner when and if I am lucky enough to find the one who appreciates the quirkiness that is me...

Merry Christmas

December 25/15

Merry Christmas!!

Hope you were good enough to avoid coal in your stocking or so naughty as to make it a moot point :)

As for myself, it's been a good Christmas with many laughs and smiles with my kids, some awesome gifts, and now the silence has descended once more as they've moved onto they're moms for the night.

It was sort of funny around 2pm as my cell seemed to explode with text messages from pretty much everyone I know with Christmas wishes, each of which made me smile and appreciate all the friends that I have.

I said pretty much everyone which means the one I had hoped the most to receive didn't come, so I did something I vowed not to do and sent one of my own with a simple question about us.

I guess if I look at this objectively that the response I got back could be considered my final Christmas gift of the day.....

As I washed the dishes from breakfast I kept looking out the kitchen window hoping beyond hope to see a certain black SUV pull into my drive way as the romantic in me thought she might drive by after dropping her boys off at their dads for Christmas whereas the logical me pretty much spent that same time mocking the romantic me for being so weak as he knew the outcome even if my heart doesn't want to hear the truth, least it didn't until my cell beeped with an incoming text.

The message was simple and pretty straight forward "I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have but seeing one another isn't an option and wouldn't be good, that door has closed"

I thought about it for a little while and realized she couldn't be farther from the truth if she tried as she didn't hurt me but rather I hurt myself by not understanding that not only was she good enough for me but that I was good enough for me, that we merged together perfectly until my own fears got in the way.  I know she reads the blog so I'm hoping she understands what I'm saying, not to win her back as she really has closed that door and moved on with her life, but so she understands that what happened is on me and not her.

There is nothing to say our relationship would have stood the test of time, that we'd still be dating a year from now let alone a few months, well nothing other then my own belief in the one and how when they cross your path you just know inside and I did feel deep inside as the mere thought of her made me smile and feel those butterflies, how each time we touched it was like the first time but without all the teenage angst we all remember so well.

C has nothing to apologize for as she was more than patient and on a scale of 1 to 10 ranked about a 17 in my books. No, any apologies owed are by myself as I blew this up and left her with no options as it was too painful a memory for her to deal with having gone through it once before.

Love sometimes means having to make tough decisions about ending something that you know has depth but also the potential for harm and that was the decision she came too and while it hurts like hell I also respect it.

Respect it enough to do that which I didn't think I had the strength to do......deleted all my contact information for her, not out of anger, not at all out of anger or even hurt, no but rather because I do love her and don't want to be tempted to keep reaching out to her as that would move this from feeling bad to feeling pity and nobody wants to be on the receiving end of such an emotion.

She knows how to get a hold of me should the mood ever strike her but just between you and me I don't think I'd wager much if anything on that happening. I still believe she cares for me and has more than a random thought about our times together but she is protecting her heart and nobody can fault her for that.

So in many ways I look at her text message as my final Christmas gift in that it tells me I'm now free to go on living my life without having to wait around, not that it won't still happen for a long time.

Please don't confuse that to mean I'm free to date as I'm so not free to date, not now, not next week, and probably not for a long time. There is a good chance I won't be dating at all as I'm not sure that love I have for her will ever go away and how fair would it be to go out with someone when my heart truly belongs to another......

The last year has been a roller coaster of emotions with both lows and highs, none of which I'd have missed if given the option.

Should that be the last communication I have with her it won't be the last impact she'll have on my life as the man I am today is partially due to my time with her and something I'd never trade away.

Come May I'll have a reminder with every swing of a club as I chase that little while ball around the course, a reminder that will sure to have me smiling and possibly shedding a tear now and again.

I didn't get the gift I wanted for Christmas but maybe I just might have gotten the gift I needed most to move forward and live my life to it's fullest.

Thank you C, my love shall always be yours and I sincerely hope you find the man who makes you feel inside like you did for me....you deserve it


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"

Merry Christmas and may love find you.....................

T'was The Night Before Christmas......

December 24/15

I love the poem by Clement Clarke Moore and the images it evokes as I read it year after year.

Yes, I said poem as that was it's original form and only made into a story years later.

Here it is in all it's fine form. Take a moment and read it and see if the child in you doesn't peek out from the covers and wonder what that noise was you just heard on the roof.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the houseNot a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

 

Tonight will see my son and I at Midnight Mass and probably me giving him an early gift when we get home before settling in for our version of a long winters nap, Moki curled up in her bed with her own early gift as well.  My daughter has promised, threatened, to be over bright and early for gift exchange and breakfast, at 26 she gets more excited about this day than her little brother ever did, the child is strong in her and shall always be so.

 

I'd like to wish each of you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's regardless of your faith or spiritual following. May you find peace, happiness, and love inside your heart and those around you through your travels.

 

I'll take extra opportunities to hug my children tonight and tomorrow knowing these days become more fleeting as they grow up and establish families and traditions of they're own.

 

I'd like to wish C and her boys the Merriest of Christmas's and hope they stay safe and sound. My love for her does not grow dimmer as time passes and that continues to show me that the one was in my life and though but for a brief moment of time, she continues to make me smile and feel warm inside.

 

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

 

TSO Rocked!!

December 23/15

Last night was the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert and as usual they tore down the building!!!

It was one of the first traditions I established with my kids post separation and something we look forward to each year. Nothing beats seeing my son's eyes as he takes in the spectacle of the story or seeing my daughters head swaying to the rhythm of the songs.

If you've never been to one of the concerts or heard the music I highly suggest you take a moment to YouTube them and possibly start with Christmas Eve/Sarajevo or Wizards in Winter.

I never thought I'd see a heavy metal concert but in many ways that is what TSO is like, with ripping guitar riffs, pounding drums, keyboards and electric violin adding notes, all mixed with a locally secured string ensemble and vocals that make you feel like crying at times when listened too in conjunction with the story.

Last night was the first time we've ever sat in the front row and it blew my mind like no other concert has ever done. Both of my kids commented on how we've been slowly working our way around the concert seating chart and agreed we just need to stay front and centre from now on.

I won't go into details on the play list other than to say, music moves me and I've blogged about it many times before and will do so many times again over the life of this blog. TSO has the unique ability to put notes together that leave me sobbing at times and that is pretty damn awesome.

Any time an artist, whether it be a musician, writer, or thespian can make you feel an emotion, any emotion, and have you crying or gasping for air they've given you an impressive performance, one worth talking about and trying to see as often as you can.

TSO mixes things up year over year while still bringing the classics back as well. It stays fresh and yet still feels all warm and comfortable.

The only negative about last night was in who wasn't there with us but maybe the future will remedy that down the road. No, that isn't a revelation of any kind but more me having some holiday hope that something could happen in my favour at some point.  A guy can dream can't he?

So one more concert in the books and hopefully many more to come, age won't matter as the couple sitting next to me had to be in they're sixties and they were bouncing around like teenagers!!!

My thanks to all the artists and support people who make Trans Siberian Orchestra one of the best concerts in the world.

Marcus

Just in case I get too busy and forget........

December 22/15

So life is picking steam with the fast approach of Christmas and my need to finish off my shopping.

Last year I was so much more prepared and far more proactive in getting all of my shopping done in a more timely manner, possibly another example of the positive influence someone had on me :)

I'm off this afternoon to try and get it all done and then home to have dinner before heading back out with the kids to see Trans Siberia Orchestra in concert at the Canadian Tire Centre - they put on an amazing show and the only drawback is who won't be there but nothing I can do about that now.

So with all that's going on this week it means the posts may be a little slower or even less frequent so I thought it best to send all of you the following:

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's to each of you and your loved ones. May 2016 bring you health, happiness, prosperity, love, and peace.

Marcus

Monday was my closest day yet......

December 21/15

So after a busy weekend with early alarms on both Saturday (6am for a 7am soccer game) and Sunday (8am for a 10am shopping excursion) this morning rolled around way too early for me.

This morning when my alarm went off at 5am I admit to being less than thrilled at the prospect of leaving my warm and comfortable bed to trudge my way through the cold and damp morning to work myself weary at the gym.  Little did I know that it was not only cold and damp but also wet with rain having fallen during the night.

I flipped the alarm off and settled back in for some more sleep telling myself that taking the day off from working out wouldn't be the end of the world, and it in truth it really wouldn't, but after laying there for a moment I realized how easy it would be to start skipping days and blaming it on feeling too tired or sore.

I had a little discussion with inner me and made the point that I'm more than willing to get up to play a round of golf in the summer as I enjoy it so why not make that same commitment to my gym plan as I'm really starting to enjoy it, hopefully seeing even more benefits this summer with increased energy and more options at playing back to back days :)

So I dragged myself out of bed, got my gear together, had a piece of toast with some yogurt and off I went to the gym.

Thirty minutes working my way through the equipment that Connor has me using and then another thirty on the treadmill left me a nice little endorphin high and proud of myself for powering past my first lazy thoughts.

I'll be back tomorrow for another solo workout, letting Connor kick my ass even some more on Wednesday, and possibly back on Thursday since I'll be skipping Xmas day given that the gym is closed.  As you know I don't like to spend time in crowded malls so Boxing Day won't find me at any sales but more than likely doing my circuit once more.

Today was a close one and I'm sure there will come others down the road but I'm going to do my best to power through them as I'm sort of liking the initial results so far and think at some point others might notice as well........I can dream can't I?

Sunday.....Saw Some Shopping, A Surprise, A Frank Discussion, And A Movie

December 21/15

So yesterday was one of those interesting days that you live through and at some point down the road go back and reflect upon on a part or even all of.

My son wasn't thrilled with my 9 AM wake up but he had some Xmas shopping to do and there was no way I was going to brave trying to find parking at Bayshore anytime after 11 AM so we were there for the 10 AM opening.  Now I had an ulterior motive in that I used the opportunity to get him to show me some clothes he liked as his taste has changed once again and I dare not risk buying anything without being forearmed with knowledge. We wandered around a few shops before he stopped to make his two purchases and by that time it was getting close to 11:30 so we headed out to get some lunch.

Lunch was the surprise as I made the drive out to Gloucester as I found out Popeye's Chicken has recently opened a site and he loves Popeye's and it's always the first place we hit when we are down in Orlando. He didn't have a clue and was wondering if I was taking him to Pizza Pizza as that was the store he saw as I made the turn into the parking lot and the smile on his face when it dawned on him where we were was priceless.  We ordered and grabbed a booth to eat our meals while talking about soccer and the things going on with our favourite teams. He offered up his condolences on the downward spiral my beloved Manchester United is experiencing and we talked about manager options as they are sure to make a move in the next week or two with both Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola now available and more than qualified to lead the club.  My son would like to see Carlo Ancelotti as manager but preference is for Pep as I think Jose thinks a bit too highly of his skills and tends to throw his players under the bus when things don't go his way.  I guess time will tell who is right on this one.

The frank discussion came up when we talked about careers on the drive home and he asked me to tell him about my best and worst jobs. As we talked I realized that my best and worst were really the same position/company and it wasn't my old job.  The old job was stressful but not something that made me miserable or left me feeling sullied. No, that honour goes to the steakhouse chain I worked for many years ago in Southern California.  I won't get into many of the details other than to say I worked for an amazing CEO who was a true mentor and an equally horrible CFO who felt any growth on my part was a direct challenge to him and an attempt to secure his job. My son asked me if I could have done my bosses job and I told him honestly no, maybe in 5 years I could have carried it off but at that time my skill set wasn't sufficient to do so for a +$100M revenue company.

I told him the whole story and he was amazed that I was as patient as I was with the antics pulled on by my boss. I laughed and said "Your dad hasn't always been an alpha male and it was this sequence of events that sort of changed how I viewed things moving forward".

I mentioned to him that funnily enough I was absolutely adored by all the senior managers as I didn't look at my position as being defined by what was written down but by what I needed to do to help people meet objectives. He asked what I meant and I explained that while my position was responsible for monthly projections and reports to our parent company in Hawaii that I was also the one person the restaurant general managers knew they could call if something was wrong even if it wasn't my area of expertise. I used to get calls about garbage pick ups not getting done, linens being late, to questions about promotional pricing strategies a GM wanted to discuss with the VP of Sales and Marketing to see if his analysis made sense.  I loved that part of my job as much as my own spreadsheets!!

I explained how I wasn't my CFO's first choice for the job but that candidate turned down the job offer and that made my son ask why. I said I didn't really know but maybe they had a gut instinct that the CFO was a total douche bag and bailed out whereas it took me some time to figure that one out for myself. He asked me if I knew in advance the shit he'd pull on me if I'd have taken the job in the first place and I answered him without any hesitation "Absolutely".

He said that makes no sense. I smiled at him and replied "Welcome to life my son"

I could tell that wasn't cutting it for him so expanded a bit by saying that job was awesome in more ways than not and it was also all that shit that led me to quit and move onto my next position where I met his mother and ended up moving to Ottawa. He sat there sort of wide eyed. I went onto say that without that job who is to say I move onto the next one, meet his mom, adopt his sister as my own, and eventually have a had in his creation. I said I'm sure he'd have been born in one way or another but on his mom's end it would have been with someone else and the same on my end in Los Angeles.

He sat there for a few moments without saying anything and as he turned to look out the window as we passed by the National Capital Equestrian Centre he said "I'm so glad that guy was an ass to you dad"

We ended up hitting Golf Town, oh don't be so shocked as you knew it was going to happen sooner or later, to round out his shopping for his mom. While there we had a debate on the correct sizes for her and it turns out I was way off in my guess, and not to her benefit either lol

I dropped him off at home and went to watch his sister's indoor soccer game and got some good natured ribbing from his mom about my sizing problems, hard to believe given I've known her for over 20 years now but in my defense I am a guy........

The night ended with a family movie at Landmark watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Awesome movie and getting the seat assigned tickets online made it so much nicer as we didn't have to wait in line or get there too early.

All in all a really good Sunday and one that reaffirmed that while things don't always turn out like we hope at a particular moment, they do sometimes work out to our benefit down the road.

So belated thanks to that douche bag CFO as who knows if I end up with my daughter and son if he doesn't treat me like a jerk :)

Saturday...

December 19/15

Today's musical recommendation is "Tongues" by Dear Rouge. Liked this one so much I downloaded the entire album from iTunes :)  Sort of reminds me of Metric mixed with some Silversuns Pickup but even better, which for me says a lot.


So here we are the last Saturday before Christmas and the weather has once more turned cold with some snow this afternoon.  I'm of mixed emotions about this as I didn't want a green Christmas but I was sort of looking forward to the outside chance of golfing on Boxing Day and now I might have to find something else to take my mind off of things, any suggestions?


Today has been both busy and lazy, if that's even possible.  Started off with a 7 AM soccer game for my son that ended in another draw, though his team played lights out and he actually had two excellent scoring opportunities that he couldn't convert on, which I've now heard about several times since the end of the game. Yes, he's not competitive at all lol

Since he's at my place all week without any school I had to stock up on groceries and made him come with me on the way home from soccer. I've always enjoyed grocery shopping with him as we like to joke around and it makes me feel so good inside when I catch a glimpse of someone smiling as they hear us or watch us giving each other the business. Going to be one of those things I miss the most once he's out on his own.  $175 later and I might have enough supplies to see us through the week with the exception of picking up some bacon tomorrow at The Butchery, as I'm doing bacon and eggs with toast for Christmas morning breakfast before losing my kids to they're mother for the weekend.

Moki has finally started eating more and doesn't seem to be doing too bad. She has this adorable habit of running across the deck and launching herself like a deer does when running and did just that this morning when I let her out as I was bringing the groceries in, making me cringe as I'm sure it was just instinctive on her part but she didn't even flinch when she landed on the backyard grass. Of course the little diva did give me the look later when I was laying on the couch reading my tablet, the look that says "Hey, I'm recovering from surgery so pick me up and put me on my spot on my couch buddy"

My tablet reading morphed into a brief nap and than it was off to my session with Connor.  He worked me hard and it wasn't till I got home I realized that not once did I have to stop and gather my breath like I've had to do in every other session. Now that's not to say I'm not feeling the after effects but such a positive step for me and one that had my son high fiving me when I mentioned it. I've been taking the day off from workouts after my sessions as a way to let my body recover but think I'll be at the gym tomorrow as I like the feeling and what it does to and for me :)

We decided that we'd had a busy day and deserved a treat for dinner and ended up at Fusion in Kanata for some sushi.  Now I'm not known as a great experimenter when it comes to food but the combination of my kids and C has worked miracles in opening my eyes to endless culinary possibilities. We've decided to give Greek a try next so fingers crossed as I was shooting for German but deferred to my son as he really loves being different and over time I'm sure to get my chance.

It was at dinner that something happened that sort of threw me a bit. Earlier C had posted a nice picture of her boys in the basement being typical teenagers playing computer games online. I thought it was a great shot and commented that my own teenager had been doing the same with his only breaks coming for soccer and the soon to be had sushi dinner. I didn't expect a comment back, didn't get one, and wasn't thrown by that but rather the one her ex posted. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his comment and he has every right to comment about his boys but for some reason it coming right after mine just made me feel kind of dirty inside. C and her ex have a decent relationship, one that more benefits him than her but it works for her and that is all that matters, nothing like my own with my ex and maybe I'm just in a unique spot when it comes to how I deal with her. I truly am happy that she has found someone who can make her smile and laugh as she deserves it, like I do and had for a few months. The difference, and what sort of left me unsettled, was that C's ex would like to have his cake and eat it too. By this I mean he'd like to be in the relationship he currently has and have C to himself as well. Actually, I'm not convinced he wouldn't leave his current relationship to be with C again if given half a chance.

C is way smarter than that and I don't ever think she's ever done anything to let him think there is any possibility of this happening but he's a guy and we don't need any external encouragement most times to think it might happen.  I think what sort of unsettled me the most was that I've been checking out her FB and didn't like how I felt afterwards.  I'm not going to delete her as a friend as that closes a door I'm not strong enough to close at this time but I have decided to stop looking and not to make any more comments on any further updates that may pop up on my own FB.  I know this is going to be hard as I'm sort of still in love but like making myself get up ever morning at 5:15 AM to hit the gym, it will take some will power on my part, which I've found I'm more than capable of exhibiting when required.

I think the next week or so are going to be critical to my own self esteem and ability to stop doing things that remind me of the loss and subsequent pain. Healing takes time and those darn baby steps as well before you feel whole, or as whole as you can with a broken heart, again.

My name is Marcus and I'm not perfect, but just possibly I'm perfectly imperfect enough for someone.

Side Note I: the follower who messaged me the other day told me that she is feeling better about things and maybe my pain is deeper than hers because I was in love where she wasn't at that stage anymore, to this I say you are wrong my friend. The pain you felt was because you were in love as we don't feel that when it's passed or just something physical. Don't kid yourself or ever sell your self and your feelings short as you deserve better than that......

My Christmas Movie List

December 18/15

So it's that time of year when you can't turn on the TV or even Netflix for that matter, without seeing a Christmas themed movie of some kind.

Last night one of my favourites "Miracle on 34th Street was on Showtime, I think, and it made me smile like always. Now this is the modern version of the "Miracle on 34th Street" with Sir Richard Attenborough and Elizabeth Perkins. Now there's nothing wrong with the 1947 edition it's just I like this one better and it got me to thinking about my favourite Christmas movies.

So here are my top 10 Christmas movies, least as of today :)

1. Miracle on 34th Street with Attenborough, Perkins, McDermott, and Wilson. I especially love the last 4 minutes of it and am so jealous of McDermott :)
2. A Charlie Brown Christmas. You can never go wrong with a classic and this one is that and more. I'm sort of a sucker for anything Snoopy.
3. Love Actually. It's based around Christmas and just an overall feel good movie in my books. Best part is when Grant puts Thornton in his place and realizes Natalie is his "one".
4. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Jim Carey was born to play the Grinch and does it to perfection.
5. The Polar Express. It took me a few viewings before I appreciated this one as much as it deserved. A simple and yet powerful message lays buried in the movie. Tom Hanks as a conductor so how can you really go wrong.
6. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. I prefer the 1984 version with George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge as he just seems to bring the crankiness alive. Either of the other two versions are good as well but this list is about my favourites :)
7. Home Alone. Small kid thwarting the bad guys all the while making some important discoveries about himself and the neighbour.
8. The Santa Claus. Tim Allen learning to believe once again in the jolly old guy.
9. Scrooged with Bill Murray. C'mon, it's got Bill "Fucking" Murray in it with Carol Kane as the Ghost of Christmas Present who punches Murray any and every chance she gets.
10. 12 Dates of Christmas with Amy Smart and Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Sort of Ground Hog Day for Christmas but one that makes me smile all the same.

So there you have my top ten Christmas movie list.  I'm sure there are others that could be included but for this year I'm sticking with this one and would love to hear what makes up your own top five or ten movies for the holiday's.

Moki Update: The princess has started eating as well as drinking water once again so all is well for the worlds bestest puppy. Yes, I know that bestest isn't really a word but I'm using my bloggers exemption on this one so no spelling police messages please..............

Moki - The Update

December 18/15

I've received more than a few messages asking how Moki is doing from her procedure and thought I'd post this instead of responding to each individually.

She did super well and both vet technicians and the vet herself commented on what an awesome dog she is and if I ever think of giving her up, which is never happening folks, to call them right away and they'd be more than happy to have her come live with them.

It always warms my heart to hear and see people react to her as she really is an amazing little puppy.

OK, I know that at four years old she isn't considered a puppy any longer but her personality is so much that of a puppy that in my mind that is just what she'll always be.

I'm working from home today to keep an eye on her and at this moment she is curled up on her pillow next to the chair in my home office. Every now and than she makes a noise to remind me she is there and get me to lean over and rub her back.

I woke up this morning to find her laying on her pillow just staring up at me with those puppy dog eyes almost as if mentally trying to get me moving. As I carried her down the back steps off the deck to the backyard I was asking her if she was ok and my response was a big sigh, almost as if in response.

Yes, I talk to my dog all the time, sometimes complete conversations, well one sided conversations as she doesn't respond verbally, unless you count sighs or low guffs.  My sanity is fine and I'd only worry if I thought she was actually talking back to me and that hasn't happened...so far

Thank you for the messages and rest assured that the little four legged diva that runs my life these days is doing fine and getting all the attention she needs and deserves :)

Wishing everyone a great weekend and hopefully not too much of it is spent battling crowds doing last minute Christmas shopping :)

Time Heals All Wounds.......Sort Of A Silly Saying But More True Than We Realize

December 17/15

Today's musical suggestion "Shaky Hands" comes from my morning listen to Spotify by a nice little indie from Montreal named Foxtrott.  Great collaboration between instruments, tone, beat, and lyrics.


Today's post is in response to a message I received last night from a follower who is feeling some pain at the ending of a relationship.

The saying that time heals all wounds sounds rather trite but really holds some truth as we all recover from wounds over time, whether physical or emotional in nature.

Recovery doesn't mean we are better off than we were before the wound but rather we reach a spot where we can accept what happened and make the effort to move forward with our lives.

That period of time is different for each person so there is no standard to measure our progress against. I had one friend who saw his marriage end and was paralyzed with hurt, anger, and indecision for almost a year and another who was dumped and back into the dating game within weeks without any apparent issues.

I don't know if the wounds are easier to handle when we are younger as we do act more resilient at that phase of our life or if the experience we gain over time makes them more manageable, not easier as being wounded is never easy.

What I do know is that there comes a day when it dawns on you that you haven't thought about the other person in a few days, that something that would have triggered a memory of them happens and doesn't trigger that connection.  Than you notice that these periods between recollections becomes longer and longer in duration until at some point they are so infrequent that when they do happen they aren't bad memories but rather bring a smile to your face and a small inner thank you for having had them to begin with.

I think the saying "Time heals all wounds" is best paired with "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".....wounds can only come when we open ourselves up to others and while they hurt, sometimes so much we want to crawl back into bed and burrow deep under the comforter, they also serve to remind us we are alive, alive to the possibilities that are all around us.

I pulled the trigger on a relationship many years ago that left the other person devastated and I've had it done to me a few times as well, neither feels good and all taught me things about myself, both good and bad, and all touched me deeply.

When my marriage ended I admit to being in a funk for longer than I thought possible and part of it was the loss of something I didn't appreciate as much as I should have in the moment and part was due to my sense of letting myself and my children down by not being there for them every day.  My mistake was confusing not being there for them daily in person with actually being there for them every day regardless of the distance between us.  That one took me a while to figure out but since that time I've reminded them quite often that no matter what transpires in life I'm always there for them.

My kids helped me get over things as I had to be strong for my son as he was younger and remind his older sister that when one action happens it opens up more opportunities if we're only willing to see them that way.

So I get it that you are hurting right now......but remember that you are hurting which means you felt something, something from the sounds of it that made you happy, knowing that there comes a day when you don't hurt as much, followed by other days when you don't hurt at all.......and than comes the day when another crosses your path and maybe, just maybe they make you smile, feel some butterflies, and flirt just a bit.

That doesn't mean the original pain is gone, just put into your memories where it belongs. Maybe the feelings you'll develop won't be quite as intense as those you once felt and that isn't good or bad as long as you aren't with the new person just to be with someone.....be present for the right reasons and those moments will happen....not today, not tomorrow, probably not even next week or even month, but happen they will as we aren't meant to be alone in life.

Don't isolate yourself and get upset with your friends who might think you're better off now without that other person, they can't see inside how that person lit you up, but they do care and are trying they're best to help you, at least the best they know how, so let them and just keep that spark inside you all the while knowing there comes a day when it'll burst out of you like a Phoenix rising anew!!

Time heals all wounds.......it's just understanding that time takes longer for each of us and understanding it's a process that doesn't entail or encourage taking shortcuts.  Mourn your loss and when the time is right you'll know.....trust me on this one

My name is Marcus and my heart isn't quite right these days but it will be one day and when that day comes I'll be prepared.

Round III With The Sadist

December 16/15

So this morning was my third session with Connor and I had no clue what to expect as our initial session last Wednesday saw him destroy my legs leaving me barely able to go up or down a single step without worrying about face planting, followed up by our second session this past Saturday when he moved his objective from my legs to my arms and shoulders, though I`m happy to say they did not fair quite as bad as the legs.

So this morning I was a little apprehensive as to his objective this week and was dreading that it might be the legs once more.

I`m happy to say that my sadist wasn`t targeting my legs nor my arms this morning. No, he went after both with some Sumo dead lifts coupled with some Goblet lunges. Once he had me gasping for air we moved onto the main floor and he started pounding me through a cycle of equipment that worked my arms, shoulders, obliques, and legs.  I can honestly say that I'd prefer to go back and relive my high school football two-a-days and all that pain rather than face this workout.  All the time he kept pushing me and saying he`s an ass but just give him 3 more.........

I got through it and somehow also managed to complete my 30 minute cool down on the treadmill.

Now I`ll admit my muscles were quivering when I was done and I might have had some dry heaves when I got home, ok I did have dry heaves, but all in all I feel much better about the process.

One thing I`m learning is to not even bother and try to figure out what`s next as it`s pointless. The simple truth is whatever he comes up with is going to tax me, hurt me, maybe make me feel sick to my stomach, and more than likely feeling slightly amped the rest of the day!!!!

Tomorrow is my off day as I don`t workout the day after he abuses me as I find my body needs the rest in order to regain use of a limb or two. Additionally, Moki goes in to be neutered so I figure the least I can do is take her for a nice walk beforehand and give her some attention, pretty sure I`m the last person she`ll be happy to see come tomorrow afternoon when I pick her up so better get my puppy time in while I can lol

I`m 53 and making some changes to my life, physically for the moment but soon to be followed up with some emotionally as well. If you aren`t changing than you are moving forward.

Stay tuned for the continuing saga of a middle aged man trying to be the best he can be, well at least trying to get to the point he can be the best he can be lol

My Christmas Wish List

December 16/15

Today's suggested song is "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars

So on Saturday my son asked me what I wanted for Christmas when he was over with his sister decorating the new Christmas tree.

This is the first year he's actually asked me and it caught me off guard so for a moment I just looked at the tree with numerous thoughts going through my mind. As I turned to respond he exchanged a look with his sister and before I could get a word out he said to me "Something I can actually give you"

I was confused by this as I've never been one to want something that is out of reach and usually struggle to think of anything to request other than the standby safe gift cards from either Golf Town or Chapters. My daughter walked over and smiled at me as she said "We'd love to get you what we think you really want but some things are beyond our control dad"

It was at that moment I realized they were thinking of C and didn't know how to react other than just hug them and say it's OK, I'm going to be OK, and smile.  What else could I do at that moment?

Sometimes how perceptive my kids are can really come back to bite me in the ass!!

As we finished up the tree I did manage to list some things that would be cool to find under the tree from Santa come the 24th and none were golf or book related :)

My list is more centered around my fitness goal and included a Fitbit, some more work out shorts and shirts from Under Armour, and maybe a watch.  The big item there was the Fitbit but they said I had to tell the something that wasn't cheap as I deserve a nice gift.

My son was a bit put off by the work out clothes as he looked over at the laundry basket near the stairs and asked what was wrong with the shirts on the top and I said there was no way I was wearing those to the gym and embarrass the organization printed on the front given my current body shape. They were part of a 3 pack given to me by C back in the spring and are from her organization so doing anything in them in the gym will wait till I'm farther along. Ironically, I think she had been planning on getting me some new ones for my stocking this year, really nice ones designed for working out.

So now my list has been submitted and it's only up to Santa to determine if I've been naughty or nice...

So what's on your list and have you been naughty or nice?  Funny how one person's naughty could be another person's nice :)

Side note.....That which my children think I want is really what I do want but I'm smart enough to now we don't always get what we want but sometimes if we're lucky we just might get what we deserve, to quote Mick and the boys :)

Time Waits for No Person

December 14/15

I was reminded of that saying a couple of times this past weekend and both came courtesy of my kids.

The first rolled around at 9:30 am Saturday morning when I met my ex and our son at his indoor soccer game and commented on how tired he looked. His mom laughed and said "Try hung over" and that earned her a scowl and me a look of concern from our son.

I asked what she meant and she explained that she had been at her companies Xmas party when he texted her asking if he could have a Vodka Mud Shake from the fridge in her basement before getting dropped off at a birthday party. She said that was ok as long as that was all he had. He got a ride to the party and met his girlfriend there and from the sounds of things it was a bit wilder than he anticipated with way more people than was planned. I said I wasn't thrilled with the thought of him drinking but seeing as how it was his mom's week I wasn't going to say anything about it. She laughed and said that hadn't ever stopped her from voicing an opinion and I just replied that was true.

When my son came over that afternoon with my daughter to decorate the tree we continued the conversation as I think there are times he is nervous to say too much in front of his mom for fear of what she might say or how she'll react.  Now he got a ride to the party and he called his sister to come and get him when it was winding down so I'm happy he didn't walk home or get a ride with anyone else. As it turns out he had another 2 drinks at the party and hence his hung over state. I if his sister was at my ex's when he called and he said no, she was at her BF's in Richmond and drove in to get him.  I told him to call me next time something like this happens as I live closer and it's easier for me to make the drive.  He looked at me and I could silently hear the question......"No, I won't be thrilled but I also respect the fact that you are getting older and not the little boy I like to envision, so call me and let me do my dad thing, without any anger or repercussions for you"

He stood up and just gave me a hug without saying a further word, turning back to put the Angel on the top of the tree.

The second reminder came from a series of text messages exchanged with my daughter about the plans for Christmas Eve and morning. She was nervous as to how to tell me she won't be staying over on Christmas Eve and worried how I'd take it. I smiled as I read her message about coming over for a bit before heading over to her BF's grandmothers place for Christmas Eve dinner, I told her that was fine and I was learning to come to accept that she was an adult with obligations other than with me and her mom. She asked if I was sure as she could change things up and I said it was really ok, she needed to start making some memories of her own and I needed to learn to let go. I think it really is fine with me as I know what it's like trying to balance the expectations of one's parents against the desire to do your own thing, never a fun place to be caught between but the season is about sharing and enjoying, not getting all bent out of shape when things get changed up.

So both of my kids are growing up and becoming their own persons, stretching boundaries and making memories, something every parent dreads as it means they won't need us as much, but also something we should be happy about as it means we've done well in raising them if they are doing it.

I've probably got two more years left with my son being around then I'll lose him to making his own traditions with his friends and girlfriend. I'm not looking forward to that happening but I'm also not going to fight the progress as I want him to be his own man, just like his sister is her own woman.

Time waits for no person, but we can hope to pause it for a moment here and there.

New traditions come up to replace old ones and if we're wise we'll remember the old ones with love in our hearts and embrace the new ones for the freshness they'll bring our lives..........

Marcus

A Déjà vu kind of Sunday

December 13/15

My musical recommendation today is "She's So High" by Tal Bachman and I dedicate it to C.A.DV.H as she is this and a whole lot more :)

I've posted in the past about having those Déjà vu kinds of moments where you're out somewhere and something happens to lead me you to think you've either been there before or seen the people at some point in the past without understanding why.

I had a moment like that today but it was more than just a Déjà vu moment but a real flashback to an actual series of events in my life that remembering left me smiling and fighting back tears at the same time.

This was my bachelor weekend and usually they are low key with lots of golf but with the season being over and Christmas fast approaching this weekend was going to be kind of busy. I think I outlined some of my plans in Friday's post with Saturday being filled with my son's soccer, my training session, and decorating the tree to round things out. Sunday was going to be shopping, doing some returns, and laundry.

The moment hit me quite early in the day as I was up at 8:30 this morning so I could beat the crowds at Bayshore Shopping Centre and return some blue tooth ear buds at the Apple Store and look for a couple of things for my son.  Now by 10 I was the mall and up on the third floor looking down at all the people walking around when it hit me that one year ago I'd been doing the same thing but only much earlier in the morning as back than I hadn't checked the mall hours and didn't know they didn't open till 10am.  So last year I'd sent a text to C telling her about my boneheaded move and asking if she wanted to drive out and do some shopping with me given I had almost an hour till things opened up. She did make the drive and before we hit the stores and braved the crowds we'd fortified up on coffee, juice, and a croissant from Tim Horton's.

I think that was one of the key moments when I felt in my heart that C was the one.  Think about it, how many women would get up early on a Sunday in response to a call and drive across town just to do some last minute shopping with a guy they'd only been seeing for a month?

As I stood there I smiled back at how my heart skipped a beat when I'd seen her walking towards me and I honestly felt a tear fighting to make an appearance as I thought that wasn't going to be happening today or any other day.

Christmas is kind of hard on me as I share my kids so either have them Christmas Eve and morning or Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day, and coupled with it being my mom's birthday just kind of always throw me for a loop.  Last year was the first one since '06 where I didn't feel lost and it was due to having C in my life, her outlook on things reminded me that it is a special season and worth taking the time to enjoy whenever possible.

This year when I'm sitting in church for midnight mass I'll silently reflect back on the midnight mass I spent last year in Orleans with C, her mother, and oldest son. I'll thank my maker for that memory and lean over and whisper to my son "I love you" and smile at his confusion as to what brought that on at that particular moment.

I've been having a lot of those memory moments lately and not sure what is bringing them up, maybe it's my mind and souls way of trying to purge myself so I can begin the healing process and make some headway on moving forward with life and one day opening myself up to love again, or maybe it's just how I'm wired, to relive moments that have special meanings to me over and over.

I used to dread these kinds of moments as I took them as signs of what I'd lost through my own failures but have started to think of them in a new light, that even though they aren't happening for me anymore through my own actions they did happen once and that means that despite my own issues there was a time when someone found me attractive enough to make them with and that just maybe there may come a time when it happens again...and maybe this other person won't allow me to drive her off and I'll be strong enough to realize what I've got, strong enough to hold on for dear life.

My name is Marcus and I broke my own heart and drove off the one, but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but rather read my words with the understanding that I was loved and it was incredible, be open to the possibility that it can happen to you, and maybe we'll both find that which we seek.

A Shocking Comment

December 12/15

Just thirteen sleeps to Christmas :)

It's funny how the whole number of sleeps till Christmas used to be so important and now with my kids being older it just doesn't have the same ring as it used too.

But this post isn't about sleeps till Christmas or even  Christmas for that matter.  No, it's about a very simple exchange I had last night with the guy working the cash counter at the Petro Canada station near the Kanata Centrum.

On my way home from work I stopped to get my Lotto Max ticket for the month, I buy one at the start of each month playing the birthday's for myself and the kids. seeing as how I forgot to get it last Friday but luckily my numbers didn't win last week.

So I went in and filled out the ticket and got in line. Wasn't super busy with only one person in front of me and after a moment a couple more came in from pumping gas to settle up as well. My turn came and as I handed the cashier my lotto form he asked which pump was mine so he could key in that cost as well, I said I didn't have any as I'd filled up yesterday and just needed my Lotto Max so I could win and retire to play golf year round. he laughed and said that sounded like a plan.

So far not much of an encounter but this is where it gets interesting...

As he moved towards the lotto machine I tapped the counter and said "oh yeah, can I get a quick pick with encore for Saturday's 6/49 and the same for the Lottario, please and thank you".

He printed them out and as he handed them to me he said these words "You don't have to say please and thank you"

I hesitated briefly before replying "Of course I do"

He smiled and said service people don't get told please or thank you.

I looked at him and said "everyone deserves a please and thank you, my grandfather raised me to show people some common courtesy, and I'd done the same with my own son"  "So thank you"

He just looked at me and then suddenly smiled and said "You are more than welcome and Happy Holiday's"

As I walked out the door I was happy to hear the lady who had been behind me in line say "Thank you Mitch" after reading his name tag.

We all deserve some courtesy when dealing with one another. The most simplest please or thank you can mean the world to someone having a rough day, making them feel as if all is not a lost battle.

I don't think my simple exchange was earth shattering but more a reflection of how I like to treat people and hopefully am treated in return.  It was something I learned from my grandfather during my many visits to his house over summer and Christmas holiday's and something I've tried really hard to pass along to my son as well as those young gentlemen I've been fortunate enough to coach over the last few years.

No matter one's station in life we all deserve that courtesy and I have to admit my exchange last night reminded me that something as simple as saying please can make someone smile and feel like they are pretty damn special.

So next time you've got the chance, remember to say something nice and take a moment to watch the impact those simple words have on the person you've spoken them too.

TGIF & My Bachelor Weekend

December 11/15

So it's Friday and it couldn't have come any sooner if I planned it :)

Not really anything special planned for the weekend and really just filled with some of the usual stuff like watching my son's soccer game, gym session with Conner, and Christmas tree decorating once again on Saturday.  Sunday might be some golf, yes you heard that correctly as I just received emails from 2 courses saying they've reopened due to the great weather we've been having, and watching my daughters soccer game Sunday afternoon.  Doesn't it seem like for someone who took the winter off from soccer that I'm still spending a lot of time on soccer pitches?

I'll probably add some Xmas shopping into the mix but I'm also thinking of taking a day off next week to hit the mall so as to avoid the crowds - sometimes I use my noodle to come up with good plans :)

What's on your agenda for the weekend?  Shopping? Gatherings with friend and family? Company Christmas parties?  Let me know as it's always fun to see what other people are doing on the weekend

Have a great weekend, stay aware, be safe, and enjoy yourselves :)

Marcus

My Trainer is a Sadist

December 10/15

Today's song might be "Felicia" by the Constellations

My trainer is a sadist and I love it!!!!

Yesterday was my session with Connor and I have to say he kicked my ass and left me with legs that feel like wet noodles and all of the muscles from my knees to my waist on fire whenever I attempt to use them.

It made doing the Christmas tree really hard last night as I had to go down into the man cave to get things set up for use when the kids came over. I forgot that I had to change a burned out light bulb and debated with myself for close to 3 minutes the merits of just yelling to my son to bring me a new bulb versus trying to walk back up the stairs and then back down again as the walk up is bad but the walk down is like thousands of little needles getting stuck into my legs.

Now you'll be happy to know, and I'm proud to say, I didn't give into temptation and went and got it myself.  This morning was a repeat as the pain is worse and I had to get the recycle containers out of the basement to put them out for trash collection today.  Moki stood at the top of the stairs and I've convinced myself she had a look of sympathy in her eyes urging me on, letting me know I'm a good boy.  Now it's entirely possible she is smart enough to realize her morning walk also depended on me being able to climb back up the stairs but I'm going with the first theory of her feeling bad for me and offering up support, just like I do for her in her numerous attempts to catch Sammy the squirrel when she sees him in the backyard.

So here is my advice for you.....when you see your trainer positioning a 35 lb kettle bell near a chair so you can do dead lifts near to a weighted lift bar that is next to a weight sled loaded with 50 lbs take a moment and say your final goodbyes because by the time they've finished with you it'll be too late to say anything.  This comes from first hand experience so you can take it to the bank.

After he got done reminding me how much I hated two-a-days when I played high school football he took me out onto the main gym floor and showed me some various equipment he wants me to use on my solo workout days. Now these didn't look like they would  inflict the same pain on me but as the saying goes "looks can be deceiving" as they were just as bad this morning when I went through the cycle on my own.

The one good thing about this whole process is this physical pain is helping to distract from the emotional pain and making me so damn exhausted I'm sleeping through the night and not really dreaming all that much, least I can't seem to recall any dreams lately.

Wait, that would be the second good thing as the first is getting my physical conditioning back in line and improving my quality of life - have to keep things in perspective :)

After I finished the workout I returned to the treadmill for my cool down cycle and who do you think was there in the row in front of me again but my gym bunny running away as fast as her legs could carry her on one of the treadmills. She looked over her shoulder and smiled while reminding me to take that first step off slowly when I'm done as the face plant is only funny the first time lol

So life continues and I'm moving forward with little baby steps. Now you might mock these little baby steps but we have to learn to walk before we can run.

My name is Marcus and I'm a single part time custodial dad and full time father. Give that sentence a moment and it'll make sense when you consider some of my other posts :)

Can We Really Change Who We Are?

December 08/15

Can we really change the person we are and become someone else?

We all change over time as we grow from infants to children on to teenagers and finally evolving into adults. That aspect of change is inevitable and almost preordained, but what I'm asking is if we can change the fundamental person we all are inside, the essence that makes each of us who we are, can we deliberately undertake the steps necessary to become something better than we are if we set our minds to it.

I ask as I've been trying to do this very thing over the past few years and just when I think I might have done it I revert back to that which I was before, maybe not a full reversion, maybe I retain some of the good I've tried to incorporate into my life, but some small part of the old me resurfaces to remind me that I am who I am, despite my best efforts to advance myself.

I am that quiet guy we all see but don't really notice. The one sitting on the bus reading a book with his ear buds in listening to music.  The one you might catch looking around only to see he's been discovered and quickly lowers his head once more to avoid eye contact.

I'm the guy you'll see walking his dog who makes small talk with other pet owners but always finds a reason to cut them short and get back to the walk, not because the talk isn't interesting or the dogs aren't having fun getting to know one another as only dogs can, but because he's so painfully shy he can't imagine that what he has to say could possibly be of interest to anyone else.

The last 12-15 months have been very interesting for me in terms of my growth and the better understanding of what makes me tick that has developed over the intervening months.

I think I've come out of my shell and been more open and friendly. It scares the shit out of me and I'm literally terrified when someone I don't know strikes up a conversation and actually tries to get me to open up.

One of my most frightening moments came back in April when I attended the formal ball for C's organization and had to make conversation with some very bright and courageous people. I was worried about looking like a fool as the field wasn't one of my strengths but most of all I was worried about reflecting poorly on C.  At these kinds of events the person is measured not only on their own merits but those of their partner as well. No pressure at all since she has a pretty damn bright future with her organization should she pursue it.

The other one that jumps to mind was in September when she had to hold her own social gathering of her senior people and their significant others. Now in this environment the goal should have been to make a good impression on C and to some extent myself since I was there as her partner, yet it was all I could do to keep myself from getting sick to my stomach out of fear I'd come across looking like some buffoon and thus making her the butt of jokes, we all know staff talks about managers now don't we.....

I think I managed to fool the majority of those I spoke with at both engagements into believing I was in control and semi intelligent when all I did was feel like the great wizard hiding behind the curtain hoping nobody would think to actually lift the bottom and take a peek backstage.

I've been doing my best to act like I'm handling things well but the truth is I'm an emotional wreck just waiting to hit some black ice and spin head first into a light pole.  This became more obvious to me on Monday when the tickets arrived for the Trans Siberia Orchestra that C and I were going to take both our families too, the first time all four kids would have intermingled.

I've been wondering what to do when the tickets arrived as the original plan was for C and the boys to stay at a hotel the night of the concert as my place isn't big enough for 6 and then we'd get back together just the two of us on Christmas day once our kids moved off to the other parents place, spending a few days just relaxing.  There was a small part of me holding out hope that we'd exchange a look during the concert and softly acknowledge we are better together than we are apart.

Well the tickets came and I send C an email asking if she wanted me to send them up to her via FedEx, leave them at the front desk of the hotel the day of the concert, or any other method she preferred, hoping she might say bring them up this weekend in person since I'm sure she still has my free weekends marked down on her calendar. But that isn't what I received back.....No, it seems plans have changed and they won't be Ottawa that night and I can use the tickets for my kids friends or anyone else I want to give them too.

Reading that felt sort of like taking a hot blade to the heart......a deep agonizing pain that just hasn't gone away.

So while I've been trying to create this false front for the world to see I've been slowly dying inside and have come to the conclusion that I really don't have a clue how to deal with this anymore.

I know I promised to stop including posts about C and how I feel but guess I'm going to owe you an apology for lying as I just can't seem to get over things and they creep back into the blog.

Maybe what I need to do is write the blog entries and just not publish them or even just stop writing for a while as I try and get a handle on things......I'm not sure which option is best for me or you the readers.....maybe reading about my misery offer some insight that other people suffer from love like you've done, maybe it is some form of comic relief after a long day dealing with work, friends, and family.

I've tried to change who I am and only been partially successful with my endeavors.

I'm afraid of what I've done, the pain I've caused, the regret that she may feel, and the guilt or shame I feel for not being strong enough to just say enough and move on with my life......the problem is that I'm in love with someone who did lift the stage curtain and found the wizard wasn't some omnipotent being but rather a tiny little scared man trying to be something he truly isn't............

My name is Marcus and my life is a mess as I took a chance on love...something I'd do all over again in a heart beat if my phone rang once more and I heard that voice telling me to come home............