Saturday...

December 19/15

Today's musical recommendation is "Tongues" by Dear Rouge. Liked this one so much I downloaded the entire album from iTunes :)  Sort of reminds me of Metric mixed with some Silversuns Pickup but even better, which for me says a lot.


So here we are the last Saturday before Christmas and the weather has once more turned cold with some snow this afternoon.  I'm of mixed emotions about this as I didn't want a green Christmas but I was sort of looking forward to the outside chance of golfing on Boxing Day and now I might have to find something else to take my mind off of things, any suggestions?


Today has been both busy and lazy, if that's even possible.  Started off with a 7 AM soccer game for my son that ended in another draw, though his team played lights out and he actually had two excellent scoring opportunities that he couldn't convert on, which I've now heard about several times since the end of the game. Yes, he's not competitive at all lol

Since he's at my place all week without any school I had to stock up on groceries and made him come with me on the way home from soccer. I've always enjoyed grocery shopping with him as we like to joke around and it makes me feel so good inside when I catch a glimpse of someone smiling as they hear us or watch us giving each other the business. Going to be one of those things I miss the most once he's out on his own.  $175 later and I might have enough supplies to see us through the week with the exception of picking up some bacon tomorrow at The Butchery, as I'm doing bacon and eggs with toast for Christmas morning breakfast before losing my kids to they're mother for the weekend.

Moki has finally started eating more and doesn't seem to be doing too bad. She has this adorable habit of running across the deck and launching herself like a deer does when running and did just that this morning when I let her out as I was bringing the groceries in, making me cringe as I'm sure it was just instinctive on her part but she didn't even flinch when she landed on the backyard grass. Of course the little diva did give me the look later when I was laying on the couch reading my tablet, the look that says "Hey, I'm recovering from surgery so pick me up and put me on my spot on my couch buddy"

My tablet reading morphed into a brief nap and than it was off to my session with Connor.  He worked me hard and it wasn't till I got home I realized that not once did I have to stop and gather my breath like I've had to do in every other session. Now that's not to say I'm not feeling the after effects but such a positive step for me and one that had my son high fiving me when I mentioned it. I've been taking the day off from workouts after my sessions as a way to let my body recover but think I'll be at the gym tomorrow as I like the feeling and what it does to and for me :)

We decided that we'd had a busy day and deserved a treat for dinner and ended up at Fusion in Kanata for some sushi.  Now I'm not known as a great experimenter when it comes to food but the combination of my kids and C has worked miracles in opening my eyes to endless culinary possibilities. We've decided to give Greek a try next so fingers crossed as I was shooting for German but deferred to my son as he really loves being different and over time I'm sure to get my chance.

It was at dinner that something happened that sort of threw me a bit. Earlier C had posted a nice picture of her boys in the basement being typical teenagers playing computer games online. I thought it was a great shot and commented that my own teenager had been doing the same with his only breaks coming for soccer and the soon to be had sushi dinner. I didn't expect a comment back, didn't get one, and wasn't thrown by that but rather the one her ex posted. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his comment and he has every right to comment about his boys but for some reason it coming right after mine just made me feel kind of dirty inside. C and her ex have a decent relationship, one that more benefits him than her but it works for her and that is all that matters, nothing like my own with my ex and maybe I'm just in a unique spot when it comes to how I deal with her. I truly am happy that she has found someone who can make her smile and laugh as she deserves it, like I do and had for a few months. The difference, and what sort of left me unsettled, was that C's ex would like to have his cake and eat it too. By this I mean he'd like to be in the relationship he currently has and have C to himself as well. Actually, I'm not convinced he wouldn't leave his current relationship to be with C again if given half a chance.

C is way smarter than that and I don't ever think she's ever done anything to let him think there is any possibility of this happening but he's a guy and we don't need any external encouragement most times to think it might happen.  I think what sort of unsettled me the most was that I've been checking out her FB and didn't like how I felt afterwards.  I'm not going to delete her as a friend as that closes a door I'm not strong enough to close at this time but I have decided to stop looking and not to make any more comments on any further updates that may pop up on my own FB.  I know this is going to be hard as I'm sort of still in love but like making myself get up ever morning at 5:15 AM to hit the gym, it will take some will power on my part, which I've found I'm more than capable of exhibiting when required.

I think the next week or so are going to be critical to my own self esteem and ability to stop doing things that remind me of the loss and subsequent pain. Healing takes time and those darn baby steps as well before you feel whole, or as whole as you can with a broken heart, again.

My name is Marcus and I'm not perfect, but just possibly I'm perfectly imperfect enough for someone.

Side Note I: the follower who messaged me the other day told me that she is feeling better about things and maybe my pain is deeper than hers because I was in love where she wasn't at that stage anymore, to this I say you are wrong my friend. The pain you felt was because you were in love as we don't feel that when it's passed or just something physical. Don't kid yourself or ever sell your self and your feelings short as you deserve better than that......