As one closes another opens.......

December 28/15

My musical suggestion today comes from James Bay with "Let It Go"

So here we are the last day of my four day weekend and it appears to be one of reflection for me on the year that is fast coming to an end.

I'm not really too big on sayings and yet they seem to permeate the blog a lot more than I would have expected these days.  The current one is "As one door closes, another door opens" and I think it is dead on for the year as we look at the end of 2015 and the fresh opportunities of 2016.

But here is the thing folks, this is strictly an arbitrary demarcation of time as can you really say that the mere passing of the clock to one second past midnight on the 31st magically transforms our lives in such a way as to put the past year into storage and leave us thinking that the new year offers all kinds of wonderful opportunities.

No, I think the key to all of this is remembering that we have the ability to make our lives change as we want them to change. It's almost hilarious how people decide that January is the month they are suddenly going to head to the gym and get into shape, give up a vice like smoking, or develop new hobbies. Any these can be undertaken at any time of our choosing so lets stop kidding ourselves into believing that the changing of one year for another is the critical moment. That moment is actually that point in time where you realize it needs to be done and than motivating yourself to get it done.

My decision to head back to the gym could easily have been put off to the new year but I made the call to start in November when the thought crossed my mid and proceeded to bounce around my somewhat empty head, the damn ringing this caused almost drove me bonkers.

My reflections have been about the numerous things that happened during the year, both good and bad, both extraordinary and routine. If we're lucky our life has ample occurrence's of all of them.

2015 saw me in in a relationship, broken up, got back together, and alone once more. Those were good, bad, extraordinary, and almost routine. I found the ability to love with all my heart and had it reciprocated in kind, I developed patience in dealing with distance, well to some extent I did, and realized that what I brought to the relationship wasn't measured by my income or possessions, but rather the way I made her feel when we were together, how she missed me when we were apart, and how I changed myself to be a better person worthy of that love without even knowing I was doing it.

There was a point where it dawned on me that C made quite a bit more than me and it bothered me for a little while as I didn't think I was bringing equal weight to the relationship. We talked about it and I knew from her words and smile that I was being completely silly as it was me the person who mattered to her and not my bank account. Her generosity wasn't out of pity but love in seeing those around her happy and being able to make them smile.

It's taken me a while to figure out that when she looked at me she didn't see my pear shape but rather the man I was inside, the one who stood tall for his family and friends, the man who worried about her when she was out of the office as she is in a dangerous occupation, but one I'd never tell to quit as I know how much she loves what she does and how important it is to her and our country.

This weekend didn't go as it should have as instead of being alone and splitting time between the gym and binge watching Netflix I should have been spending it with C, probably doing some of those same things but also wandering around Chapters, Golf Town, Ikea, and maybe hitting the market for dinner and a walk around Parliament to see the lights. Instead of waking up to Moki hogging the bed I should have been waking up to the view of an exquisite hip. My walk with Moki would have been a twin act and not a solo performance.

All in all, not the weekend I'd been planning a few months ago but the one I got nonetheless and the one I will have moving forward as I had the most imperfectly perfect woman for myself and didn't accept things as they were without doubting my worthiness.

It is one thing to be self aware and do some self evaluations and quite another to do so in such a manner as to be making yourself worry about nonexistent issues, as I did.

For as smart as I am, and I'm actually pretty damn smart given the tests, I can be pretty damn stupid at times when it comes to matters of the heart and my own views on my self. It something I've been working on and thought I'd conquered but for some reason all my self doubts came back when C made the move to her new position. It's funny how I didn't feel them before she made the move as a lot of the same people I compared myself against were present in her life but for some reason her being there and me being here just made them stand out more in my mind.

The last year saw me fall head over heals for her and thinking about the future in ways I never thought would cross my mind. Funny how love can take you down a path you don't see yourself walking but when you find yourself on it, it just feels so natural.

I miss C far more than I've ever missed someone before. I feel worse inside right now than I did when my marriage ended and that should make me feel bad as that was the mother of my children but yet I don't.....not because I didn't care for the mother of my children but more because I knew C was the one, the one I'd searched for my entire life. She moved me out of my comfort zone like nobody else has ever done and that was amazing.

My son is in Sudbury this weekend with his mom and her boyfriend visiting his family and out of the blue I got this text "Dad, pain is fleeting but the memory lasts a lifetime"

I don't have a clue what made him send it as we haven't spoken since Christmas but sometimes I think I've got to check my place for hidden cameras as between the two of them my kids have this uncanny knack of sending me well timed texts with subtle and sublime messages that just seem to hit home.

Come this Thursday I'll be raising a toast to C and thanking her for making my 2015 so special, wishing her nothing but an awesome 2016, and maybe taking more of those baby steps towards an emotional recovery that lets me begin to the see the beauty around me once again.

As we move closer to the end of the year over the next few days I'll be blogging about my year and all I went through, as a means of entertaining you, reminding myself of how good it really was, and gently packing away my package in preparation of the new year and maybe creating some new memories.


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"