Merry Christmas

December 25/15

Merry Christmas!!

Hope you were good enough to avoid coal in your stocking or so naughty as to make it a moot point :)

As for myself, it's been a good Christmas with many laughs and smiles with my kids, some awesome gifts, and now the silence has descended once more as they've moved onto they're moms for the night.

It was sort of funny around 2pm as my cell seemed to explode with text messages from pretty much everyone I know with Christmas wishes, each of which made me smile and appreciate all the friends that I have.

I said pretty much everyone which means the one I had hoped the most to receive didn't come, so I did something I vowed not to do and sent one of my own with a simple question about us.

I guess if I look at this objectively that the response I got back could be considered my final Christmas gift of the day.....

As I washed the dishes from breakfast I kept looking out the kitchen window hoping beyond hope to see a certain black SUV pull into my drive way as the romantic in me thought she might drive by after dropping her boys off at their dads for Christmas whereas the logical me pretty much spent that same time mocking the romantic me for being so weak as he knew the outcome even if my heart doesn't want to hear the truth, least it didn't until my cell beeped with an incoming text.

The message was simple and pretty straight forward "I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have but seeing one another isn't an option and wouldn't be good, that door has closed"

I thought about it for a little while and realized she couldn't be farther from the truth if she tried as she didn't hurt me but rather I hurt myself by not understanding that not only was she good enough for me but that I was good enough for me, that we merged together perfectly until my own fears got in the way.  I know she reads the blog so I'm hoping she understands what I'm saying, not to win her back as she really has closed that door and moved on with her life, but so she understands that what happened is on me and not her.

There is nothing to say our relationship would have stood the test of time, that we'd still be dating a year from now let alone a few months, well nothing other then my own belief in the one and how when they cross your path you just know inside and I did feel deep inside as the mere thought of her made me smile and feel those butterflies, how each time we touched it was like the first time but without all the teenage angst we all remember so well.

C has nothing to apologize for as she was more than patient and on a scale of 1 to 10 ranked about a 17 in my books. No, any apologies owed are by myself as I blew this up and left her with no options as it was too painful a memory for her to deal with having gone through it once before.

Love sometimes means having to make tough decisions about ending something that you know has depth but also the potential for harm and that was the decision she came too and while it hurts like hell I also respect it.

Respect it enough to do that which I didn't think I had the strength to do......deleted all my contact information for her, not out of anger, not at all out of anger or even hurt, no but rather because I do love her and don't want to be tempted to keep reaching out to her as that would move this from feeling bad to feeling pity and nobody wants to be on the receiving end of such an emotion.

She knows how to get a hold of me should the mood ever strike her but just between you and me I don't think I'd wager much if anything on that happening. I still believe she cares for me and has more than a random thought about our times together but she is protecting her heart and nobody can fault her for that.

So in many ways I look at her text message as my final Christmas gift in that it tells me I'm now free to go on living my life without having to wait around, not that it won't still happen for a long time.

Please don't confuse that to mean I'm free to date as I'm so not free to date, not now, not next week, and probably not for a long time. There is a good chance I won't be dating at all as I'm not sure that love I have for her will ever go away and how fair would it be to go out with someone when my heart truly belongs to another......

The last year has been a roller coaster of emotions with both lows and highs, none of which I'd have missed if given the option.

Should that be the last communication I have with her it won't be the last impact she'll have on my life as the man I am today is partially due to my time with her and something I'd never trade away.

Come May I'll have a reminder with every swing of a club as I chase that little while ball around the course, a reminder that will sure to have me smiling and possibly shedding a tear now and again.

I didn't get the gift I wanted for Christmas but maybe I just might have gotten the gift I needed most to move forward and live my life to it's fullest.

Thank you C, my love shall always be yours and I sincerely hope you find the man who makes you feel inside like you did for me....you deserve it


My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"

Merry Christmas and may love find you.....................