Can We Really Change Who We Are?

December 08/15

Can we really change the person we are and become someone else?

We all change over time as we grow from infants to children on to teenagers and finally evolving into adults. That aspect of change is inevitable and almost preordained, but what I'm asking is if we can change the fundamental person we all are inside, the essence that makes each of us who we are, can we deliberately undertake the steps necessary to become something better than we are if we set our minds to it.

I ask as I've been trying to do this very thing over the past few years and just when I think I might have done it I revert back to that which I was before, maybe not a full reversion, maybe I retain some of the good I've tried to incorporate into my life, but some small part of the old me resurfaces to remind me that I am who I am, despite my best efforts to advance myself.

I am that quiet guy we all see but don't really notice. The one sitting on the bus reading a book with his ear buds in listening to music.  The one you might catch looking around only to see he's been discovered and quickly lowers his head once more to avoid eye contact.

I'm the guy you'll see walking his dog who makes small talk with other pet owners but always finds a reason to cut them short and get back to the walk, not because the talk isn't interesting or the dogs aren't having fun getting to know one another as only dogs can, but because he's so painfully shy he can't imagine that what he has to say could possibly be of interest to anyone else.

The last 12-15 months have been very interesting for me in terms of my growth and the better understanding of what makes me tick that has developed over the intervening months.

I think I've come out of my shell and been more open and friendly. It scares the shit out of me and I'm literally terrified when someone I don't know strikes up a conversation and actually tries to get me to open up.

One of my most frightening moments came back in April when I attended the formal ball for C's organization and had to make conversation with some very bright and courageous people. I was worried about looking like a fool as the field wasn't one of my strengths but most of all I was worried about reflecting poorly on C.  At these kinds of events the person is measured not only on their own merits but those of their partner as well. No pressure at all since she has a pretty damn bright future with her organization should she pursue it.

The other one that jumps to mind was in September when she had to hold her own social gathering of her senior people and their significant others. Now in this environment the goal should have been to make a good impression on C and to some extent myself since I was there as her partner, yet it was all I could do to keep myself from getting sick to my stomach out of fear I'd come across looking like some buffoon and thus making her the butt of jokes, we all know staff talks about managers now don't we.....

I think I managed to fool the majority of those I spoke with at both engagements into believing I was in control and semi intelligent when all I did was feel like the great wizard hiding behind the curtain hoping nobody would think to actually lift the bottom and take a peek backstage.

I've been doing my best to act like I'm handling things well but the truth is I'm an emotional wreck just waiting to hit some black ice and spin head first into a light pole.  This became more obvious to me on Monday when the tickets arrived for the Trans Siberia Orchestra that C and I were going to take both our families too, the first time all four kids would have intermingled.

I've been wondering what to do when the tickets arrived as the original plan was for C and the boys to stay at a hotel the night of the concert as my place isn't big enough for 6 and then we'd get back together just the two of us on Christmas day once our kids moved off to the other parents place, spending a few days just relaxing.  There was a small part of me holding out hope that we'd exchange a look during the concert and softly acknowledge we are better together than we are apart.

Well the tickets came and I send C an email asking if she wanted me to send them up to her via FedEx, leave them at the front desk of the hotel the day of the concert, or any other method she preferred, hoping she might say bring them up this weekend in person since I'm sure she still has my free weekends marked down on her calendar. But that isn't what I received back.....No, it seems plans have changed and they won't be Ottawa that night and I can use the tickets for my kids friends or anyone else I want to give them too.

Reading that felt sort of like taking a hot blade to the heart......a deep agonizing pain that just hasn't gone away.

So while I've been trying to create this false front for the world to see I've been slowly dying inside and have come to the conclusion that I really don't have a clue how to deal with this anymore.

I know I promised to stop including posts about C and how I feel but guess I'm going to owe you an apology for lying as I just can't seem to get over things and they creep back into the blog.

Maybe what I need to do is write the blog entries and just not publish them or even just stop writing for a while as I try and get a handle on things......I'm not sure which option is best for me or you the readers.....maybe reading about my misery offer some insight that other people suffer from love like you've done, maybe it is some form of comic relief after a long day dealing with work, friends, and family.

I've tried to change who I am and only been partially successful with my endeavors.

I'm afraid of what I've done, the pain I've caused, the regret that she may feel, and the guilt or shame I feel for not being strong enough to just say enough and move on with my life......the problem is that I'm in love with someone who did lift the stage curtain and found the wizard wasn't some omnipotent being but rather a tiny little scared man trying to be something he truly isn't............

My name is Marcus and my life is a mess as I took a chance on love...something I'd do all over again in a heart beat if my phone rang once more and I heard that voice telling me to come home............