A Déjà vu kind of Sunday

December 13/15

My musical recommendation today is "She's So High" by Tal Bachman and I dedicate it to C.A.DV.H as she is this and a whole lot more :)

I've posted in the past about having those Déjà vu kinds of moments where you're out somewhere and something happens to lead me you to think you've either been there before or seen the people at some point in the past without understanding why.

I had a moment like that today but it was more than just a Déjà vu moment but a real flashback to an actual series of events in my life that remembering left me smiling and fighting back tears at the same time.

This was my bachelor weekend and usually they are low key with lots of golf but with the season being over and Christmas fast approaching this weekend was going to be kind of busy. I think I outlined some of my plans in Friday's post with Saturday being filled with my son's soccer, my training session, and decorating the tree to round things out. Sunday was going to be shopping, doing some returns, and laundry.

The moment hit me quite early in the day as I was up at 8:30 this morning so I could beat the crowds at Bayshore Shopping Centre and return some blue tooth ear buds at the Apple Store and look for a couple of things for my son.  Now by 10 I was the mall and up on the third floor looking down at all the people walking around when it hit me that one year ago I'd been doing the same thing but only much earlier in the morning as back than I hadn't checked the mall hours and didn't know they didn't open till 10am.  So last year I'd sent a text to C telling her about my boneheaded move and asking if she wanted to drive out and do some shopping with me given I had almost an hour till things opened up. She did make the drive and before we hit the stores and braved the crowds we'd fortified up on coffee, juice, and a croissant from Tim Horton's.

I think that was one of the key moments when I felt in my heart that C was the one.  Think about it, how many women would get up early on a Sunday in response to a call and drive across town just to do some last minute shopping with a guy they'd only been seeing for a month?

As I stood there I smiled back at how my heart skipped a beat when I'd seen her walking towards me and I honestly felt a tear fighting to make an appearance as I thought that wasn't going to be happening today or any other day.

Christmas is kind of hard on me as I share my kids so either have them Christmas Eve and morning or Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day, and coupled with it being my mom's birthday just kind of always throw me for a loop.  Last year was the first one since '06 where I didn't feel lost and it was due to having C in my life, her outlook on things reminded me that it is a special season and worth taking the time to enjoy whenever possible.

This year when I'm sitting in church for midnight mass I'll silently reflect back on the midnight mass I spent last year in Orleans with C, her mother, and oldest son. I'll thank my maker for that memory and lean over and whisper to my son "I love you" and smile at his confusion as to what brought that on at that particular moment.

I've been having a lot of those memory moments lately and not sure what is bringing them up, maybe it's my mind and souls way of trying to purge myself so I can begin the healing process and make some headway on moving forward with life and one day opening myself up to love again, or maybe it's just how I'm wired, to relive moments that have special meanings to me over and over.

I used to dread these kinds of moments as I took them as signs of what I'd lost through my own failures but have started to think of them in a new light, that even though they aren't happening for me anymore through my own actions they did happen once and that means that despite my own issues there was a time when someone found me attractive enough to make them with and that just maybe there may come a time when it happens again...and maybe this other person won't allow me to drive her off and I'll be strong enough to realize what I've got, strong enough to hold on for dear life.

My name is Marcus and I broke my own heart and drove off the one, but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but rather read my words with the understanding that I was loved and it was incredible, be open to the possibility that it can happen to you, and maybe we'll both find that which we seek.