Sunday, January 31/16
So I received a couple of late questions to the whole Q&A thing I ran back at the end of November and thought I'd respond to them as they made me have to stop and really consider things when formulating my answer.
Two were pretty thoughtful, one almost challenging, and the last kind of borderline intrusive in a way.
Q: Is the one for you the same as that other people refer to as a soul mate?
A: I don't really know. I think they mean the same as long as we realize that we can have different ones at different points in our lives. The person you consider your soul mate in high school is more than likely to change once you are in university or college, that person from your university days may evolve into someone else as well as you mature and realize you're needs change over time and that particular person can no longer satisfy you, not purely in a physical sense but I think more along the lines of intellectually and emotionally. I had a high school girlfriend who I thought was everything to me and by the time I was finishing my first year at university I had come to the conclusion that we were really meant to be nothing more than friends. I found that very hard to process as I'd been head over heals for this woman and now here I was thinking we were clearly not equals and it was time we moved on from one another. I think with soul mates that bond is deeper and even as one partner may evolve past the other in certain areas they are countered by growth in another by the partner to keep an over all sense of balance between the two of you. So in a sense I think my one is the same as my soul mate but I don't think we are limited to just one in our lives, it's damn cool if we only do have one but not the end of the world if we don't.
Q: What makes a woman the one in your eyes?
A: I've had two different women become the one for me over the course of my life and I can say both did so for different reasons but sort of the same reason in a way. I know that doesn't make sense and yet it will once I continue with my answer. When I met my ex it was through a work project that required me to get some assistance from our Ottawa office while I was based in Los Angeles. As you can expect my ex was my contact person and one thing led to another and we started to like one another. Our initial communications were limited to emails and some phone calls, we didn't even have a clue what the other looked like for the first 2 months until we exchanged pictures via inter company mail, remember this was the mid 90's and the Internet was alive and well but not what we have today. I think that initial period of no direct contact helped us to know one another in a way that was completely foreign to anything we'd gone through before. It made things feel stronger if you will between us. With C it was similar but not in that we exchanged some emails in the first phase, moved onto telephone calls, and met for lunch after about 2-3 weeks. Even after we met we weren't physical with one another for almost another month and I think that made us feel stronger for the other as we both realized we weren't just in it for some physical gratification but more for the real connection between two hearts.
I got to know each before there was any physical contact, the real woman behind the voice, and that took away so much pressure. There is something to be said for a simple conversation that lasts several hours and yet feels like it just started five minutes ago. I'm not a big phone guy and yet found it very easy to just talk to them without any doubts creeping into my thought process. With my ex it was her personality to hooked me and it was only later I learned I was playing out of my league looks wise with her. With C it was this one picture on her profile that just reached out and made me contact her, her eyes were mesmerizing and combined with her smile made me melt, putty in her hands should she ever decide to make me so. It was only after talking with her did I realize how intelligent she was, how well she carried herself in a field dominated by men, and how level headed she was in life.
To be the one requires far more than looks. A brain that offers up interesting view points goes a very long way with me, I like to say that you better be able to stimulate my mind more than my body as my mind is always on whereas the other part has some time constraints lol
Q: Don't you worry that C will read your entries and respond to them in some way? You open yourself up to being taken advantage of should she choose to do so.
A: No, I don't worry about it as nothing I've written about my time with C is negative in any way, shape, or form. Quite the contrary as I've made numerous comments about much better off I am today from my time with her. I've been careful to respect her privacy and done my best to let her keep her anonymity through the use of her initial only. Additionally, I've done my best to be as vague as possible about her career and success even though I'd like nothing more than to stand on the steps of Parliament and let the world know how amazing she is at her chosen vocation. Her organization has a saying that I think is uber cool but to use it here would be to expose her and I'll never do that, just knowing it makes me smile and hopefully should she ever come back and read the blog again she'll smile when she comes across this posting.
I know at one point she did follow the blog but my instinct tells me she stopped following it back in November but that doesn't lessen the impact she had on me nor predicate that I have to ignore that positive impact as if it never happened. We as a person are the sum influences of those who come into our lives, whether that is positive or negative. I've been lucky and can't really count many who were negative and I'm so thankful for that as I'd hate to see how I could have turned out had I allowed those people into my life.
Depending on how she wants to take advantage of me I'd say anything is possible ;-)
Q: How important is landscaping to you?
A: I didn't understand this question the first time I read it and had to ask for some clarification from the follower. Not sure about her but I was blushing when I got her response lol
Landscaping, as it turns out, refers to the care of our nether regions ;-)
When I was in my twenties this sort of question never came up and now it comes up whenever two people start to date and reach that stage where intimacy is on the menu. Hell, I'd never even heard of a Brazilian until I'd been separated a few years and still had to Google it to understand what the hell I was being told.
I'll be honest and say I like things in the middle, say a nice little vee or landing strip. I just don't understand the fascination with completely shaving and find it can be a turn off as it just takes something somewhere it shouldn't. Let's just say I like to be reminded that you are a woman and leave it at that ok.
As for myself, I do man-scape as I think my partner deserves things neat and tidy. Have I ever shaved completely? Yes, right before I met my ex I was involved in a relationship with S that was completely sexual in nature and she asked me to try it so I did. If you are curious think male porn star, as in presentation and not size, unfortunately for me :-() It started to chafe and itch like crazy a few days later that I've never done it that way again.
So there you go...all caught up now on those outstanding questions. Hope you enjoyed and have a good Sunday evening.
Marcus
Sunday, January 31, 2016
My Super Scintillating Sunday
Sunday, January 31/16
Well here we are the last day of the first month of the new year. Has it been a good one for you so far or just another month?
Mine has been both extraordinary and ordinary depending on the day in question. Extraordinary doesn't mean good but rather something out of the ordinary, be it good or bad, so rest assured nothing super has happened to me so far this year, but hey the year is still young so who knows what might happen over the remaining 334 days to come..........
Last night was uneventful other than going to see a movie by myself and coming home to crack open a bottle of Pinot Grigio while reading with some music playing in the background. I think those are Moki's favourite kind of nights as she curls up in my lap and falls asleep :-)
Today will be classed as just ordinary as I've done nothing special nor do I have any major plans for the rest of my day other than going to watch my daughters soccer game at 4pm. I guess I should be thankful both my kids play a lot of soccer as it does help to fill those empty moments and gives me something to think about thus relieving my brain from it's tendency to constantly reflect on my life and what has transpired over the last few years, again both good and bad.
I've just finished cleaning the house and doing some laundry, a single person's greatest joy he thinks not, and will now do some research on how to make a good cream of celery soup. I've decided to broaden my culinary skills and I've always loved a well made cream of celery soup so think it is now time I try my hand at one and maybe add it to my portfolio.
I'm planning on doing a pork roast paired up with some roasted potatoes and green beans for dinner tomorrow night, following some directions given to me by C that result in a really nice meal. Think this time I'll layer some diced onions underneath the roast to add some more flavour.
Next Saturday may involve a trip down to Westport to this little spice shoppe someone showed me as I've noticed my bottles of Herb & Garlic Seasoning and Herb Salt are getting dangerously low. While there I'll see what other seasonings I can add to my growing collection and help me in becoming a better cook. I don't like cooking for just myself and since I'm not seeing anyone that leaves my poor son to serve as guinea pig for my experiments :-)
Well here we are the last day of the first month of the new year. Has it been a good one for you so far or just another month?
Mine has been both extraordinary and ordinary depending on the day in question. Extraordinary doesn't mean good but rather something out of the ordinary, be it good or bad, so rest assured nothing super has happened to me so far this year, but hey the year is still young so who knows what might happen over the remaining 334 days to come..........
Last night was uneventful other than going to see a movie by myself and coming home to crack open a bottle of Pinot Grigio while reading with some music playing in the background. I think those are Moki's favourite kind of nights as she curls up in my lap and falls asleep :-)
Today will be classed as just ordinary as I've done nothing special nor do I have any major plans for the rest of my day other than going to watch my daughters soccer game at 4pm. I guess I should be thankful both my kids play a lot of soccer as it does help to fill those empty moments and gives me something to think about thus relieving my brain from it's tendency to constantly reflect on my life and what has transpired over the last few years, again both good and bad.
I've just finished cleaning the house and doing some laundry, a single person's greatest joy he thinks not, and will now do some research on how to make a good cream of celery soup. I've decided to broaden my culinary skills and I've always loved a well made cream of celery soup so think it is now time I try my hand at one and maybe add it to my portfolio.
I'm planning on doing a pork roast paired up with some roasted potatoes and green beans for dinner tomorrow night, following some directions given to me by C that result in a really nice meal. Think this time I'll layer some diced onions underneath the roast to add some more flavour.
Next Saturday may involve a trip down to Westport to this little spice shoppe someone showed me as I've noticed my bottles of Herb & Garlic Seasoning and Herb Salt are getting dangerously low. While there I'll see what other seasonings I can add to my growing collection and help me in becoming a better cook. I don't like cooking for just myself and since I'm not seeing anyone that leaves my poor son to serve as guinea pig for my experiments :-)
Saturday, January 30, 2016
The Text Said it All.......
The text you received said all I have to say and the next step lays with you...........
Marcus
Marcus
Saturday Soccer
Saturday, January 30/16
Creed - With Arms Wide Open
I went to watch my son's soccer game today and on the way there today's musical recommendation came on the radio and reminded me how fortunate I am to be a father.
It's funny how we get tested on such a wide variety of topics as we pass through the various stages of our lives but the one thing that we can do that is so critical requires nothing more than our bodies.
I'll admit that becoming a ready made father to my ex's daughter when I moved to Ottawa scared the crap out of me as I had no clue what to do, pretty much the exact words I used when I talked about it with her mother and she just smiled and said it would all come to me in time. She was right in that it did and I reached that point where I could not remember what my life was like before those two women came into it.
Years later my son came along and all those worries came roaring back as this time I was going to be there right from the start and I had no clue how to change a diaper, prepare a bottle, comfort a baby when they weren't feeling well. I vividly remember the first time my ex left me alone with our son just a few weeks after his birth as she needed to have some mother-daughter time with our daughter, how I was literally shaking and thought I was going to be sick to my stomach, she knew I was petrified and reminded me that it was going to be fine, just love him and you're heart will tell you what you need to do to make him happy. That was probably one of the best days of my life as I had the opportunity to bond with my son. I learned years later that the decision to go out with our daughter was really my ex's way of giving me alone time with my son in order to show me I was more than capable of taking care of him. Sometimes the greatest gifts are the ones we receive and never know what we've been given.
My son's team lost today 3-0 but he played his heart out and had fun, which is the goal with winter soccer. As I sat on the bench next to my ex I looked at him running past and I thought to myself how much my children have enriched my life and turned to see my ex smiling at me, I asked what was up and she replied she bet she could tell what I was thinking, I laughed and said as if, her partner T leaned around her and just shook his head at me, so I said go ahead and tell me what I was thinking.....
We both looked up as our son took his spot in the wall and managed to block a hard shot on net and than she softly said "You were thinking how lucky you feel to be a dad"
Now I'm pretty sure my ex can't read minds or even knows about this blog so to say I was stunned would be putting it mildly. She looked over at me and laughed as she said "if you could see your face right now you'd piss your pants laughing" Once again T leaned around her and sort of chuckled as he said "She's got you there" and than leaned back. You've got to love a person of few words who makes the one he uses count for something.
I just stared at her and she took some pity on me and said "You've got a horrible tell when it comes to those times you're thinking about the kids and always have. You just get this look about you when they are on your mind and I've seen it so many times I can tell just by looking at you when you're doing it".
I smiled back and said guilty as charged and told her about the song coming on the radio as I was driving to the game and she looked out on the field and said "That one is one of your favourites isn't it".............
The game ended and we stood up to wait for the boy to change out of his soccer kit and head our way so they could head home and I could stop and get groceries. As we walked out of the dome my son asked me what I was talking to his mom about and she turned around smiling at us and said maybe he should spend more time focused on the game and less time watching his parents on the sidelines.
I hugged him close and told him his mom would explain later but that it was all good and nothing to worry about.
Fifteen minutes later as I was checking off items from my list of things I needed while walking down the aisles of Loblaw's my phone chimed that I had a new text message so I looked at it to see a message from my son that simply said "Love you too dad"
It never ceases to amaze me how something I see or hear can send me off on a tangent, sometimes for the good and sometimes the not so good. Today was a good one as I've been through so much with my kids and never does a day pass where I don't thank the stars above for letting me experience fatherhood.......the one unpaid job I've been the happiest to pursue without one single regret ever!!!
My name is Marcus and this blog attempts to chronicle my efforts to be a good father, friend, possibly master the perfect 8 iron from 135+ yards out from the green, and just maybe the moment when my heart is stolen in the best possible way.
A side note on Creed. There are several songs by Creed that touch me deep inside and I think that comes from the fact that they address themes of Christian theology and spirituality without going overboard. I find songs that make me think to rank among my favourites.
Creed - With Arms Wide Open
I went to watch my son's soccer game today and on the way there today's musical recommendation came on the radio and reminded me how fortunate I am to be a father.
It's funny how we get tested on such a wide variety of topics as we pass through the various stages of our lives but the one thing that we can do that is so critical requires nothing more than our bodies.
I'll admit that becoming a ready made father to my ex's daughter when I moved to Ottawa scared the crap out of me as I had no clue what to do, pretty much the exact words I used when I talked about it with her mother and she just smiled and said it would all come to me in time. She was right in that it did and I reached that point where I could not remember what my life was like before those two women came into it.
Years later my son came along and all those worries came roaring back as this time I was going to be there right from the start and I had no clue how to change a diaper, prepare a bottle, comfort a baby when they weren't feeling well. I vividly remember the first time my ex left me alone with our son just a few weeks after his birth as she needed to have some mother-daughter time with our daughter, how I was literally shaking and thought I was going to be sick to my stomach, she knew I was petrified and reminded me that it was going to be fine, just love him and you're heart will tell you what you need to do to make him happy. That was probably one of the best days of my life as I had the opportunity to bond with my son. I learned years later that the decision to go out with our daughter was really my ex's way of giving me alone time with my son in order to show me I was more than capable of taking care of him. Sometimes the greatest gifts are the ones we receive and never know what we've been given.
My son's team lost today 3-0 but he played his heart out and had fun, which is the goal with winter soccer. As I sat on the bench next to my ex I looked at him running past and I thought to myself how much my children have enriched my life and turned to see my ex smiling at me, I asked what was up and she replied she bet she could tell what I was thinking, I laughed and said as if, her partner T leaned around her and just shook his head at me, so I said go ahead and tell me what I was thinking.....
We both looked up as our son took his spot in the wall and managed to block a hard shot on net and than she softly said "You were thinking how lucky you feel to be a dad"
Now I'm pretty sure my ex can't read minds or even knows about this blog so to say I was stunned would be putting it mildly. She looked over at me and laughed as she said "if you could see your face right now you'd piss your pants laughing" Once again T leaned around her and sort of chuckled as he said "She's got you there" and than leaned back. You've got to love a person of few words who makes the one he uses count for something.
I just stared at her and she took some pity on me and said "You've got a horrible tell when it comes to those times you're thinking about the kids and always have. You just get this look about you when they are on your mind and I've seen it so many times I can tell just by looking at you when you're doing it".
I smiled back and said guilty as charged and told her about the song coming on the radio as I was driving to the game and she looked out on the field and said "That one is one of your favourites isn't it".............
The game ended and we stood up to wait for the boy to change out of his soccer kit and head our way so they could head home and I could stop and get groceries. As we walked out of the dome my son asked me what I was talking to his mom about and she turned around smiling at us and said maybe he should spend more time focused on the game and less time watching his parents on the sidelines.
I hugged him close and told him his mom would explain later but that it was all good and nothing to worry about.
Fifteen minutes later as I was checking off items from my list of things I needed while walking down the aisles of Loblaw's my phone chimed that I had a new text message so I looked at it to see a message from my son that simply said "Love you too dad"
It never ceases to amaze me how something I see or hear can send me off on a tangent, sometimes for the good and sometimes the not so good. Today was a good one as I've been through so much with my kids and never does a day pass where I don't thank the stars above for letting me experience fatherhood.......the one unpaid job I've been the happiest to pursue without one single regret ever!!!
My name is Marcus and this blog attempts to chronicle my efforts to be a good father, friend, possibly master the perfect 8 iron from 135+ yards out from the green, and just maybe the moment when my heart is stolen in the best possible way.
A side note on Creed. There are several songs by Creed that touch me deep inside and I think that comes from the fact that they address themes of Christian theology and spirituality without going overboard. I find songs that make me think to rank among my favourites.
Friday, January 29, 2016
An Interesting Article About The Other Person
Friday, January 29/16
So it's been really quiet at work all this week what with the news about getting bought by one of our competitors so I've been doing some online research in-between responding to questions from the finance and tax team at the other company.
Came across this one a little while ago and found it both refreshing and though provoking.
Here is the link and I encourage you to take a moment and give it a read.
https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/i-befriended-my-husbands-mistress-170803381.html
As I read the story I couldn't help but feel a sense of wonder as the author deals with a very painful situation and it had me thinking back to an exchange I had with my son the first year after his mother and I separated.
In the initial stages of our separation we did our handover on Sunday's and I was walking with my son down the driveway to the front door and as we walked past the car of her boyfriend "B" my son asked me if I was going to key his car. I was shocked to hear him ask me that and responded by asking him why he thought I would do such a thing, he said isn't that what people going through a divorce do to each others cars and he really did think that from everything he'd seen on TV.
I smiled and hugged him close to me and told him that not everything he sees is real and people don't always have to be jerks to one another, that I'd never met B and his mom started to date B a few months after we separated. He looked at me and asked me if that meant I didn't hate B and I told him no, that I didn't feel anything towards B one way or the other, that my only concern was that whomever his mom dated was good to him and his sister, just as I was sure that was what his mom hoped as well.
Things didn't last long with B as he turned out to be quite the little douche bag but I never had to get involved as he was smart enough to know not to do anything to hurt my children.
Now years later T has been part of my sons life as his mom's new partner and I have to say I like him and think he is a pretty decent guy. We both like the NFL and golf so we have those things in common to talk about when we are all at one of the kids soccer games. I'm confident that had we met at a golf course we would probably have ended up being friends and that helps me to deal with the fact that I share my son with someone else.
I remember the first time I saw T's name listed on the emergency contact list for my son at his high school and how it momentarily through me for a loop but after a few minutes I realized how much sense it made as T works shifts and neither my ex or I can always just get off work to pick up our son when he's been sick or had a medical appointment. T understands that my son has a father who is actively involved in his life whether it be school or athletics and stays in the background and just supports what we do. T and I don't talk much or hang out with one another but I think we respect one another and do what is best for my son, and there is nothing more important than that in my book.
I might be lucky to have that kind of relationship with my ex's partner but I'd like to think I tried to do the same when dealing with C's boys. I remember when she got her new position one of the things I thought about was if I didn't have my own son I'd have volunteered to live in her house so she didn't have to sell it or move the boys from friends and school but I did have my son and couldn't do that without impacting on my own custodial arrangement.
My biggest regret is that it took me so long to find someone I felt strongly enough about to want to add them to the list of emergency contacts for my son. I think that is when you know that person means something to you when you start considering such things.
How do you handle dealing with your ex's new partners? Does it bother you to know they interact with your children or do you take the approach that as long as they are good to the kids it's all part of the process?
My name is Marcus and this blog chronicles my efforts to be a good father, decent friend, master the 8 iron from 135+ yards, and maybe finding the one...again
So it's been really quiet at work all this week what with the news about getting bought by one of our competitors so I've been doing some online research in-between responding to questions from the finance and tax team at the other company.
Came across this one a little while ago and found it both refreshing and though provoking.
Here is the link and I encourage you to take a moment and give it a read.
https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/i-befriended-my-husbands-mistress-170803381.html
As I read the story I couldn't help but feel a sense of wonder as the author deals with a very painful situation and it had me thinking back to an exchange I had with my son the first year after his mother and I separated.
In the initial stages of our separation we did our handover on Sunday's and I was walking with my son down the driveway to the front door and as we walked past the car of her boyfriend "B" my son asked me if I was going to key his car. I was shocked to hear him ask me that and responded by asking him why he thought I would do such a thing, he said isn't that what people going through a divorce do to each others cars and he really did think that from everything he'd seen on TV.
I smiled and hugged him close to me and told him that not everything he sees is real and people don't always have to be jerks to one another, that I'd never met B and his mom started to date B a few months after we separated. He looked at me and asked me if that meant I didn't hate B and I told him no, that I didn't feel anything towards B one way or the other, that my only concern was that whomever his mom dated was good to him and his sister, just as I was sure that was what his mom hoped as well.
Things didn't last long with B as he turned out to be quite the little douche bag but I never had to get involved as he was smart enough to know not to do anything to hurt my children.
Now years later T has been part of my sons life as his mom's new partner and I have to say I like him and think he is a pretty decent guy. We both like the NFL and golf so we have those things in common to talk about when we are all at one of the kids soccer games. I'm confident that had we met at a golf course we would probably have ended up being friends and that helps me to deal with the fact that I share my son with someone else.
I remember the first time I saw T's name listed on the emergency contact list for my son at his high school and how it momentarily through me for a loop but after a few minutes I realized how much sense it made as T works shifts and neither my ex or I can always just get off work to pick up our son when he's been sick or had a medical appointment. T understands that my son has a father who is actively involved in his life whether it be school or athletics and stays in the background and just supports what we do. T and I don't talk much or hang out with one another but I think we respect one another and do what is best for my son, and there is nothing more important than that in my book.
I might be lucky to have that kind of relationship with my ex's partner but I'd like to think I tried to do the same when dealing with C's boys. I remember when she got her new position one of the things I thought about was if I didn't have my own son I'd have volunteered to live in her house so she didn't have to sell it or move the boys from friends and school but I did have my son and couldn't do that without impacting on my own custodial arrangement.
My biggest regret is that it took me so long to find someone I felt strongly enough about to want to add them to the list of emergency contacts for my son. I think that is when you know that person means something to you when you start considering such things.
How do you handle dealing with your ex's new partners? Does it bother you to know they interact with your children or do you take the approach that as long as they are good to the kids it's all part of the process?
My name is Marcus and this blog chronicles my efforts to be a good father, decent friend, master the 8 iron from 135+ yards, and maybe finding the one...again
Back to Back Bachelor Weekends
Friday, January 29/16
So with the return of my ex from her holiday we are slowly getting our custody schedule back on track. Last weekend was supposed to be her weekend with the boy but being down south sort of made that difficult to accomplish so he was with me, now my week is supposed to start today but he'll be with his mom this weekend through Sunday midday and than we're back to our regular weeks.
This means I'm in bachelor mode through Sunday and than have next weekend in bachelor mode as well so lots of free time for me, now if it was just the summer and I could find someway to fill those days.........oh wait...I do have a hobby that would let me fill the time........some people might call my love of golf an addiction but I prefer to say I am committed to my sport as it sounds so much nicer.
I don't really have big plans other then the usual....soccer in the morning, grab some groceries, training with Conner at noon, and then I'm free and clear.........I can possibly see a movie in my future but not sure which one yet.......and some time spent making Moki happy as the saying goes.....happy puppy, happy owner :-)
Managed to get my hair cut yesterday at lunch, hate when it gets all raggedy, grabbed Moki a bag of dog food at the vet's office, and ended the day relaxing as I had a nice little Cesar salad with some grilled chicken paired up with a chilled glass of Mezza Corona Pinot Grigrio as I watched the Suits episode from Wednesday. I won't give any spoiler alerts other than to say...WOW!!!!!!!!!
Thinking tonight might include some time at the gym and possibly continuing my efforts to consolidate the multiple music libraries I've somehow created on my PC over the past few years. Once that is done I can blow them all off the hard disk and just work from the new master.
All of this sounds kind of boring but it is what I've got going on at the moment.
What doe your weekend look like?
So with the return of my ex from her holiday we are slowly getting our custody schedule back on track. Last weekend was supposed to be her weekend with the boy but being down south sort of made that difficult to accomplish so he was with me, now my week is supposed to start today but he'll be with his mom this weekend through Sunday midday and than we're back to our regular weeks.
This means I'm in bachelor mode through Sunday and than have next weekend in bachelor mode as well so lots of free time for me, now if it was just the summer and I could find someway to fill those days.........oh wait...I do have a hobby that would let me fill the time........some people might call my love of golf an addiction but I prefer to say I am committed to my sport as it sounds so much nicer.
I don't really have big plans other then the usual....soccer in the morning, grab some groceries, training with Conner at noon, and then I'm free and clear.........I can possibly see a movie in my future but not sure which one yet.......and some time spent making Moki happy as the saying goes.....happy puppy, happy owner :-)
Managed to get my hair cut yesterday at lunch, hate when it gets all raggedy, grabbed Moki a bag of dog food at the vet's office, and ended the day relaxing as I had a nice little Cesar salad with some grilled chicken paired up with a chilled glass of Mezza Corona Pinot Grigrio as I watched the Suits episode from Wednesday. I won't give any spoiler alerts other than to say...WOW!!!!!!!!!
Thinking tonight might include some time at the gym and possibly continuing my efforts to consolidate the multiple music libraries I've somehow created on my PC over the past few years. Once that is done I can blow them all off the hard disk and just work from the new master.
All of this sounds kind of boring but it is what I've got going on at the moment.
What doe your weekend look like?
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Life
Thursday, January 28/16
So here I am three months removed from my relationship with the one and I think it might be time to take stock of my life and maybe, just maybe, make a decision on where I want to end up before the decision gets made for me.
I found myself feeling a bit upbeat today and found that kind of amazing given all the pain I've felt these last few months and combined with finding out my company is getting bought out and all that entails for those of us working in the finance group think I should be down and not up, yet I don't feel down at all.
It sucks that my position is going to be eliminated but I've been given a pretty damn decent package and will be around helping with the integration for six months from the date of close so all things considered it's not the end of the world. The deal close is tentatively set for March 31st so I'm good through the end of September and have been playing it safe with money since the last time it happened but I'm also not as worried as I was last time as I know things happen and if the past is any indicator I won't be out for very long.
It would have been nice to have someone to talk too about it like last time but I'm not feeling alone in the least. That one kind of made me pause as I've felt so alone since October and yet when something pretty drastic happens I find myself at peace and calm. Interesting how that happens isn't it?
I still miss the one but my life is moving forward and each day gets a little easier, offering me some hope that life goes on, whether we want it to or not, so the best thing we can do is hop on the merry go-round and reach for the brass ring when it comes around, what do we have to lose by trying?
Golf is not as far away as I think and I've been giving some serious thought to getting a membership this summer and still think I might as it is a great way for me to release stress. I'd rather be alternating my golf between local courses and the big three up in the valley but we know those aren't on the rotation any more and while I'll miss them I won't curl up in the fetal position over the loss.
I guess the same goes for my view on C deciding to end us.
Her actions hurt me and left me reeling trying to find some answers. They never came and rather than keep taking the emotional punches thrown my way I've decided to start ducking and weaving to avoid the hits and maybe go on the offence myself.
I'm a decent guy, make my share of mistakes, try to learn from them, and think I have a lot to offer the right person. I'm not perfect but just maybe I'm imperfectly perfect enough for one person, and she for me. Time will tell but at least it's something I'm interested in seeing happen.
I was gone for a bit there folks but I'm back and ready to roll!!!!
I have a nice place, super puppy in Moki, couple of great kids, a job for the next eight months, but most of all I have a large heart and want to share it with the one.
Couple of key dates coming up that might make me sad but sad is good as it reminds me I'm capable of caring enough about someone else to miss them when they are gone, as I hope they miss me sometimes.
One thing I've learned over the last few years is that doors might close but that doesn't mean if you take a chance to turn the handle they stay closed.......take a chance and see if you can push it open, you never know what's possible unless you try.......are you strong enough to try? I think you are :)
My name is Marcus and these are the ongoing adventures of being a father, friend, golfer, and possibly a boyfriend.......it will happen
So here I am three months removed from my relationship with the one and I think it might be time to take stock of my life and maybe, just maybe, make a decision on where I want to end up before the decision gets made for me.
I found myself feeling a bit upbeat today and found that kind of amazing given all the pain I've felt these last few months and combined with finding out my company is getting bought out and all that entails for those of us working in the finance group think I should be down and not up, yet I don't feel down at all.
It sucks that my position is going to be eliminated but I've been given a pretty damn decent package and will be around helping with the integration for six months from the date of close so all things considered it's not the end of the world. The deal close is tentatively set for March 31st so I'm good through the end of September and have been playing it safe with money since the last time it happened but I'm also not as worried as I was last time as I know things happen and if the past is any indicator I won't be out for very long.
It would have been nice to have someone to talk too about it like last time but I'm not feeling alone in the least. That one kind of made me pause as I've felt so alone since October and yet when something pretty drastic happens I find myself at peace and calm. Interesting how that happens isn't it?
I still miss the one but my life is moving forward and each day gets a little easier, offering me some hope that life goes on, whether we want it to or not, so the best thing we can do is hop on the merry go-round and reach for the brass ring when it comes around, what do we have to lose by trying?
Golf is not as far away as I think and I've been giving some serious thought to getting a membership this summer and still think I might as it is a great way for me to release stress. I'd rather be alternating my golf between local courses and the big three up in the valley but we know those aren't on the rotation any more and while I'll miss them I won't curl up in the fetal position over the loss.
I guess the same goes for my view on C deciding to end us.
Her actions hurt me and left me reeling trying to find some answers. They never came and rather than keep taking the emotional punches thrown my way I've decided to start ducking and weaving to avoid the hits and maybe go on the offence myself.
I'm a decent guy, make my share of mistakes, try to learn from them, and think I have a lot to offer the right person. I'm not perfect but just maybe I'm imperfectly perfect enough for one person, and she for me. Time will tell but at least it's something I'm interested in seeing happen.
I was gone for a bit there folks but I'm back and ready to roll!!!!
I have a nice place, super puppy in Moki, couple of great kids, a job for the next eight months, but most of all I have a large heart and want to share it with the one.
Couple of key dates coming up that might make me sad but sad is good as it reminds me I'm capable of caring enough about someone else to miss them when they are gone, as I hope they miss me sometimes.
One thing I've learned over the last few years is that doors might close but that doesn't mean if you take a chance to turn the handle they stay closed.......take a chance and see if you can push it open, you never know what's possible unless you try.......are you strong enough to try? I think you are :)
My name is Marcus and these are the ongoing adventures of being a father, friend, golfer, and possibly a boyfriend.......it will happen
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
S U I T S ! ! ! ! !
Wednesday, January 27/16
It's not often, well really never so far life to date of the blog, that I post an entry about a television show but here I am doing just that for tonight's season premiere of Suits.
I've posted about movies and how they make me feel but never a TV show but this one is different for a couple of reasons. First being the characters are just so good and well developed you can't help loving some and hating others. In the first camp reside Harvey, Mike, Rachel, and Donna. where the second camp is home to Louis, Daniel, and sometimes Jessica. Secondly, well I used to watch this with a certain someone and we really enjoyed commenting about the plot as it developed over the course of the show and season. The final reason is that I can relate to Harvey, Mike, Louis, and possibly even Daniel Hardman.
The funny thing is I've started to watch Billions and while I hate the character of Daniel Hardman as played by David Costabile on Suits I love him as Mike "Wags" Wagner on Billions. Go figure...
So if you haven't seen Suits yet I highly recommend it and if you're already a fan....well points for you in the Book of Marcus ;-)
M
It's not often, well really never so far life to date of the blog, that I post an entry about a television show but here I am doing just that for tonight's season premiere of Suits.
I've posted about movies and how they make me feel but never a TV show but this one is different for a couple of reasons. First being the characters are just so good and well developed you can't help loving some and hating others. In the first camp reside Harvey, Mike, Rachel, and Donna. where the second camp is home to Louis, Daniel, and sometimes Jessica. Secondly, well I used to watch this with a certain someone and we really enjoyed commenting about the plot as it developed over the course of the show and season. The final reason is that I can relate to Harvey, Mike, Louis, and possibly even Daniel Hardman.
The funny thing is I've started to watch Billions and while I hate the character of Daniel Hardman as played by David Costabile on Suits I love him as Mike "Wags" Wagner on Billions. Go figure...
So if you haven't seen Suits yet I highly recommend it and if you're already a fan....well points for you in the Book of Marcus ;-)
M
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Last Weekends Question
Sunday, January 24/16
Been a lazy weekend with the majority of my time spend indoors. Did attend my sons soccer game yesterday and did the usual grocery run but other than that we've been inside as he prepares for writing exams starting on Tuesday. My role has been to work with him on his study schedule, keep him hydrated, and provide snacks every few hours. Almost has me feeling like a trainer for a professional athlete :-)
Oh, and I did have my Saturday session with Connor where we did some leg and ab work. So much so that my abs are now so sore that even clearing my throat makes me wince. Painful and yet a reminder of where I'm heading over the next few months.
Last weekend I sort of spiralled out of control emotionally when a follower of the blog asked me a question. The question wasn't the issue but rather the emotions it brought up within me. Yes, I admit they were centered on C but over the last week I've come to realize they were good ones and not something to fight in the future.
The question was kind of personal but I've never been one to shy away from answering them as long as I didn't feel like they either crossed any lines or would reflect unfairly on someone other than myself.
The follower explained that she was out of a relationship and found the hardest part to be the lack of intimacy in her life and wondered if I also missed the sex as much as she did. Now to be clear here, she was referring to missing it with her former boyfriend and not me.
It brought back some memories for me and I had that lost feeling once more, not something I've quite been able to deal with that well but it did get me to thinking and here is my answer.
Yes, I absolutely miss sex with C but even more I miss the intimacy I shared with her. Sex is easy and fun but intimacy makes it all come full circle. Intimacy is making love and oh so much more. It is the look across a room that says wait till we get upstairs, it's the gentle caress of a hand on your arm or shoulder as your partner walks past, it's the feeling of her breathe on the back of your neck as she snuggles up as you two fall asleep, it's the twinkle in her eyes as she touches you knowing she will get the perfect reaction of out of you, it's the scent of her perfume lingering long after she has left the room, it's the smile she flashes you that makes your heart skip a beat, the look she gives you when you walk through the door after time apart, and so much more.
Intimacy is waking up in the middle of the night and taking that second to listen for her breathing before falling back asleep. Intimacy is sharing your deepest desires and darkest fears knowing they will support and be there for you. Intimacy is putting her pleasure and needs above your own without any expectation about her reactions, you just want her to be happy and have that moment to let go and experience it all.
As I pondered the question all of that came back to me and left me feeling more than a bit sorry for myself since I had it and lost it. But the one thing I took to heart is that I didn't have those things before C came into my life and while I've lost them for the moment, there is nothing to say I might not have them again down the road.
I've had relationships before and there was sex involved but I can honestly say that when they came to an end I didn't pine away over the lost sex, maybe it was because I knew that what I had and didn't have any more was only transitory in nature, that the real thing had yet to come into my life, or maybe I just wasn't really ready for the intimacy to be there to make it special to me.
I think C knows the most about me of all the people who have come into my life. It was just easy to talk to her and it never felt like I was opening myself up to being hurt, ridiculed, or thought less of by her. We just connected that way and I'd like to think that she felt the same way.
I miss her body and how it made me feel. I miss it like I never missed it before. Hell, before I met C I'd had a couple of rather long periods of being abstinent, not for lack of opportunities but because I just couldn't do the deed to say I did the deed.
I think over the course of all the nights we were together I can honestly count on one hand the number of times we didn't take advantage of being physical with one another and that is something I miss with her. Not the sex by itself but the sex with her as it just worked so well and we each made the other feel like the only person in the world.
November sucked as I'd wake up each morning and find myself looking over to her side of the bed and feeling that emptiness inside me. December was slightly better but still I found that ache inside that wasn't being soothed by the one who made me feel whole. So far January has seen me moving back towards accepting my abstinence and not minding so much almost back to where I was before the relationship took off back in November 2014.
I'm making progress and know that while I'll have an off day now and again that I'll start to feel more confident and maybe put myself out there once more to see what could happen.
So bottom line is that I do miss sex but miss the intimacy even more that I once was privileged to share with an amazing woman named C.
My name is Marcus and these entries are my attempt to document my efforts to be a good father, friend, master the 135 yard 8 iron, and maybe get myself back out into the dating world so I might meet the one........
Been a lazy weekend with the majority of my time spend indoors. Did attend my sons soccer game yesterday and did the usual grocery run but other than that we've been inside as he prepares for writing exams starting on Tuesday. My role has been to work with him on his study schedule, keep him hydrated, and provide snacks every few hours. Almost has me feeling like a trainer for a professional athlete :-)
Oh, and I did have my Saturday session with Connor where we did some leg and ab work. So much so that my abs are now so sore that even clearing my throat makes me wince. Painful and yet a reminder of where I'm heading over the next few months.
Last weekend I sort of spiralled out of control emotionally when a follower of the blog asked me a question. The question wasn't the issue but rather the emotions it brought up within me. Yes, I admit they were centered on C but over the last week I've come to realize they were good ones and not something to fight in the future.
The question was kind of personal but I've never been one to shy away from answering them as long as I didn't feel like they either crossed any lines or would reflect unfairly on someone other than myself.
The follower explained that she was out of a relationship and found the hardest part to be the lack of intimacy in her life and wondered if I also missed the sex as much as she did. Now to be clear here, she was referring to missing it with her former boyfriend and not me.
It brought back some memories for me and I had that lost feeling once more, not something I've quite been able to deal with that well but it did get me to thinking and here is my answer.
Yes, I absolutely miss sex with C but even more I miss the intimacy I shared with her. Sex is easy and fun but intimacy makes it all come full circle. Intimacy is making love and oh so much more. It is the look across a room that says wait till we get upstairs, it's the gentle caress of a hand on your arm or shoulder as your partner walks past, it's the feeling of her breathe on the back of your neck as she snuggles up as you two fall asleep, it's the twinkle in her eyes as she touches you knowing she will get the perfect reaction of out of you, it's the scent of her perfume lingering long after she has left the room, it's the smile she flashes you that makes your heart skip a beat, the look she gives you when you walk through the door after time apart, and so much more.
Intimacy is waking up in the middle of the night and taking that second to listen for her breathing before falling back asleep. Intimacy is sharing your deepest desires and darkest fears knowing they will support and be there for you. Intimacy is putting her pleasure and needs above your own without any expectation about her reactions, you just want her to be happy and have that moment to let go and experience it all.
As I pondered the question all of that came back to me and left me feeling more than a bit sorry for myself since I had it and lost it. But the one thing I took to heart is that I didn't have those things before C came into my life and while I've lost them for the moment, there is nothing to say I might not have them again down the road.
I've had relationships before and there was sex involved but I can honestly say that when they came to an end I didn't pine away over the lost sex, maybe it was because I knew that what I had and didn't have any more was only transitory in nature, that the real thing had yet to come into my life, or maybe I just wasn't really ready for the intimacy to be there to make it special to me.
I think C knows the most about me of all the people who have come into my life. It was just easy to talk to her and it never felt like I was opening myself up to being hurt, ridiculed, or thought less of by her. We just connected that way and I'd like to think that she felt the same way.
I miss her body and how it made me feel. I miss it like I never missed it before. Hell, before I met C I'd had a couple of rather long periods of being abstinent, not for lack of opportunities but because I just couldn't do the deed to say I did the deed.
I think over the course of all the nights we were together I can honestly count on one hand the number of times we didn't take advantage of being physical with one another and that is something I miss with her. Not the sex by itself but the sex with her as it just worked so well and we each made the other feel like the only person in the world.
November sucked as I'd wake up each morning and find myself looking over to her side of the bed and feeling that emptiness inside me. December was slightly better but still I found that ache inside that wasn't being soothed by the one who made me feel whole. So far January has seen me moving back towards accepting my abstinence and not minding so much almost back to where I was before the relationship took off back in November 2014.
I'm making progress and know that while I'll have an off day now and again that I'll start to feel more confident and maybe put myself out there once more to see what could happen.
So bottom line is that I do miss sex but miss the intimacy even more that I once was privileged to share with an amazing woman named C.
My name is Marcus and these entries are my attempt to document my efforts to be a good father, friend, master the 135 yard 8 iron, and maybe get myself back out into the dating world so I might meet the one........
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Yes, I'm Still Alive
Thursday, January 21/16
The lack of entries does not mean I've decided to end the blog nor that there are any health concerns so please stop sending messages asking if I'm ok. Appreciate the concern but I'm pretty confident the last entry explained the lack of recent posts.
I've always been one to react to things right off the bat and through my relationship with the mother of my children learned to reign this in a bit as reacting too quickly can have consequences. As my ex liked to say, "I'll always forgive but never forget, thus I'll never respond in the heat of the moment lest I say something I can't take back"
That has always stuck with me and while it's served me well to follow that strategy most times there have been a couple of times where it worked to my detriment, including my last few days with C.
What I failed to take into account was that there are times we need to temper what we've learned or done in the past to fit the workings of a new relationship. Time has shown me that C is one of those rare people who prefers to get things dealt with when they come up and tried her best to adjust how she dealt with me and my own way of dealing with things by sitting on them for a short time until I felt my emotions were under control. This was foreign to her and reminded her of some issues that she had with her own ex and while it helped me deal with my own thoughts and emotions it didn't do the same for her and in fact caused her some worries.
What should have happened was a merging of our approaches to one that met both of our needs but that hadn't happened yet, and maybe might not have as I wasn't seeing the problem as well as I should have and been as supportive as a boyfriend should be to his partner, not as supportive as C was to me when I needing it that's for sure.
My issue Sunday was related to the amount of things that constantly remind me of C and not being able to ignore them and move on with my life. Sometimes they are things I actually know are coming up like driving past a restaurant that became a favourite for us that I now tend to avoid like Milestones and Zak's Diner and other times things that just come up out of the blue and reach deep inside my chest to squeeze my heart.
One such unexpected reminder happened on Sunday when I came out of Chapters with my daughter to head over to the Landmark Theatre to watch Sisters. As we walked down the parking lot aisle to her car I froze and felt time stand still. She laughed and said "It's this one pops" and when I didn't respond she walked back around and asked me what was wrong. My daughter drives a black SUV and she forgot that C drives the exact same model only a few years older but I remembered and I have to say I was convinced it was C's SUV parked right next to my daughters and it sort of freaked me out. I felt her hand on my shoulder and turned to see a look of concern in her eyes and she asked me "everything ok?" I sighed, said I was sorry, and explained what had happened. She didn't say a word at first but instead gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. She asked if I was still up for going to the movies and I said "absolutely, lets go see Tina & Amy get their freak on"
Once at the theatre we got our tickets, treats, and found good seats and got settled in for the previews, one of my favourite parts to seeing movies. She leaned over and asked me "Does that happen often dad, the thinking of C thing?" I took a moment to think about it and said "All the time"
The movie came on and we enjoyed a good movie and I think my daughter sensed I was a bit inside my head and didn't ask me too many questions on the drive back to my place but when she came inside to see Moki she looked around and asked me "How many things in your house remind you of C?"
I sort of laughed and asked if she wanted that list by room? She sort of frowned and said she didn't realize how deep my connection went and wished she could do something to ease the pain.
The truth is that I know both my kids would gladly take the pain onto themselves if they could but that isn't their role to play as my children. Knowing how much they care and worry about me reminds me of one of the benefits of being a parent.
I'm sure there will come a day when I can drive past the Centrum, walk into my bedroom, cook a meal and not think of C.........just going to be a lot of time needed before that day arrives.....
Marcus
The lack of entries does not mean I've decided to end the blog nor that there are any health concerns so please stop sending messages asking if I'm ok. Appreciate the concern but I'm pretty confident the last entry explained the lack of recent posts.
I've always been one to react to things right off the bat and through my relationship with the mother of my children learned to reign this in a bit as reacting too quickly can have consequences. As my ex liked to say, "I'll always forgive but never forget, thus I'll never respond in the heat of the moment lest I say something I can't take back"
That has always stuck with me and while it's served me well to follow that strategy most times there have been a couple of times where it worked to my detriment, including my last few days with C.
What I failed to take into account was that there are times we need to temper what we've learned or done in the past to fit the workings of a new relationship. Time has shown me that C is one of those rare people who prefers to get things dealt with when they come up and tried her best to adjust how she dealt with me and my own way of dealing with things by sitting on them for a short time until I felt my emotions were under control. This was foreign to her and reminded her of some issues that she had with her own ex and while it helped me deal with my own thoughts and emotions it didn't do the same for her and in fact caused her some worries.
What should have happened was a merging of our approaches to one that met both of our needs but that hadn't happened yet, and maybe might not have as I wasn't seeing the problem as well as I should have and been as supportive as a boyfriend should be to his partner, not as supportive as C was to me when I needing it that's for sure.
My issue Sunday was related to the amount of things that constantly remind me of C and not being able to ignore them and move on with my life. Sometimes they are things I actually know are coming up like driving past a restaurant that became a favourite for us that I now tend to avoid like Milestones and Zak's Diner and other times things that just come up out of the blue and reach deep inside my chest to squeeze my heart.
One such unexpected reminder happened on Sunday when I came out of Chapters with my daughter to head over to the Landmark Theatre to watch Sisters. As we walked down the parking lot aisle to her car I froze and felt time stand still. She laughed and said "It's this one pops" and when I didn't respond she walked back around and asked me what was wrong. My daughter drives a black SUV and she forgot that C drives the exact same model only a few years older but I remembered and I have to say I was convinced it was C's SUV parked right next to my daughters and it sort of freaked me out. I felt her hand on my shoulder and turned to see a look of concern in her eyes and she asked me "everything ok?" I sighed, said I was sorry, and explained what had happened. She didn't say a word at first but instead gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. She asked if I was still up for going to the movies and I said "absolutely, lets go see Tina & Amy get their freak on"
Once at the theatre we got our tickets, treats, and found good seats and got settled in for the previews, one of my favourite parts to seeing movies. She leaned over and asked me "Does that happen often dad, the thinking of C thing?" I took a moment to think about it and said "All the time"
The movie came on and we enjoyed a good movie and I think my daughter sensed I was a bit inside my head and didn't ask me too many questions on the drive back to my place but when she came inside to see Moki she looked around and asked me "How many things in your house remind you of C?"
I sort of laughed and asked if she wanted that list by room? She sort of frowned and said she didn't realize how deep my connection went and wished she could do something to ease the pain.
The truth is that I know both my kids would gladly take the pain onto themselves if they could but that isn't their role to play as my children. Knowing how much they care and worry about me reminds me of one of the benefits of being a parent.
I'm sure there will come a day when I can drive past the Centrum, walk into my bedroom, cook a meal and not think of C.........just going to be a lot of time needed before that day arrives.....
Marcus
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
The Self Reflection Continues.........
Tuesday, January 19/16
I don't want to leave anyone hanging but I'm still going through the self reflection I posted about on Sunday and not sure when I'll be writing about it.
I'll say this much for now, it came about from the combination of a couple of events/conversations. The first was with a follower who sent me a message with a question that at first glance didn't seem all that deep but once I really thought about it found myself feeling kind of low, I know that wasn't the intent but sometimes it just doesn't take much to bring me down these days. The other was something that happened when I was with my daughter at the Chapters at the Kanata Centrum on Sunday and not only made me pause but gave my daughter a little insight into the daily torture I seem to go through more often than not that led her to hug me and ask what she could do to help.
I'm great for giving advice and knowing the right thing to say at any given moment as long as those words are not directed internally at myself, when it comes to my own issues I can't seem to get past the basic steps of grieving and letting go, so much so that I'm not really making any progress in life and made the decision to hide my profile lest I just lead someone on.
I'm not sure if this means the blog is done for until I can get my head straight and life sorted out but it does probably mean it's on hold for the moment with few entries forthcoming.
The self reflection is not entirely due my relationship with C but it does play a large part as I can't seem to understand why it is so hard to move on with my life.
It almost feels like I'm not living my life but watching if from afar and unable to do anything about it as I watch myself careen around a race course bouncing off the retaining walls at high speed.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I know this to be true but my heart really wishes it wasn't as it just fucking aches day after day with no end in sight..............
My name is Marcus and I miss my one!
I don't want to leave anyone hanging but I'm still going through the self reflection I posted about on Sunday and not sure when I'll be writing about it.
I'll say this much for now, it came about from the combination of a couple of events/conversations. The first was with a follower who sent me a message with a question that at first glance didn't seem all that deep but once I really thought about it found myself feeling kind of low, I know that wasn't the intent but sometimes it just doesn't take much to bring me down these days. The other was something that happened when I was with my daughter at the Chapters at the Kanata Centrum on Sunday and not only made me pause but gave my daughter a little insight into the daily torture I seem to go through more often than not that led her to hug me and ask what she could do to help.
I'm great for giving advice and knowing the right thing to say at any given moment as long as those words are not directed internally at myself, when it comes to my own issues I can't seem to get past the basic steps of grieving and letting go, so much so that I'm not really making any progress in life and made the decision to hide my profile lest I just lead someone on.
I'm not sure if this means the blog is done for until I can get my head straight and life sorted out but it does probably mean it's on hold for the moment with few entries forthcoming.
The self reflection is not entirely due my relationship with C but it does play a large part as I can't seem to understand why it is so hard to move on with my life.
It almost feels like I'm not living my life but watching if from afar and unable to do anything about it as I watch myself careen around a race course bouncing off the retaining walls at high speed.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I know this to be true but my heart really wishes it wasn't as it just fucking aches day after day with no end in sight..............
My name is Marcus and I miss my one!
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Snow is gentlty falling, stew is cooking, and just missing the One.........
Sunday, January 17/16
I'm going with "Adventures of a Lifetime" by Coldplay for today's musical entrée.
It's been a low key but kind of busy weekend for me. Nothing major happened but really just a lot of little things combined to keep me going.
Friday night was actually kind of boring as I didn't do a damn thing when I got home other than make some dinner and watch a movie down in the man cave. Went to bed fairly early as my son had the 8am soccer game on Saturday.
For the second week in a row it was a blow out loss and my ex was asking me what is wrong with his coach as he only substitutes one player at a time regardless of how many he has on the bench. In this case we had 5 spares and my son ended up only playing 5 minutes of the first half and about 12 in the second half. Given that I work with numbers I did the math and with 11 total players covering 6 positions, excluding the goalie, it should have worked out to about 13 minutes per player per half or a total of approximately 26 minutes. I'm in the process of writing an email asking him what the basis is for the one by one subs when every other team, my women's team included, uses lines to spare and thus manages to balance out playing time. Now I'm willing to grant he is new at this and did ask for some assistance but my plans for the year were to be out of town on my bachelor weekends up the valley so I didn't step up and offer to help, now the question is whether it's too late to right the ship.
The rest of my Saturday was taken up getting groceries, making a return to Best Buy, picking up some new treats for Moki, visiting Fitness Depot for some resistance bands, hitting the butcher for some stew beef, and my training session with Connor.
This week was upper body as we did some bench presses, arm curls, goblet squats, sled rope pulls, sled pushes, and finished it off with some ab rolls. Man did I ever feel the ab rolls when we were done and I was headed off to do my cardio cool down cycle. Best part of the workout was that even though he had me working my ass off and gasping for air not once did I quit and he even commented that he is starting to see some good shape in my shoulders. Small victories win wars!!!!!
Saturday night was reserved for watching the NFL playoffs where I went 1 for 2 with the win coming in New England over Kansas City and the loss when my beloved Packers went down to Arizona in overtime. How does GB not go for two points at the end of that game is beyond me and something they'll have to answer for over the next few days.
I was up early this morning back at the gym to tackle leg curls, leg presses, and the lat pull ups. I'm still feeling the burn and loving it. Think my legs are starting to look pretty damn good and almost ready for shorts weather lol We won't discuss the belly yet but it's going to get there as well, trust me.
Once home I got all of the materials out for the stew and in the slow cooker for the 8 hour slow cook I like to use to get all the taste possible. Right now my place smells so good and I swear I saw Moki drooling as she just walked out of the kitchen. I'll be sitting down to eat in about 30 minutes and as I walked past the front window noticed that snow is falling, making for perfect conditions to enjoy the stew, the only thing missing is someone to share my masterpiece with.........
Been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and not sure I like what I've come up but think I need more time to go over it all before sharing it with you in a blog entry. First take is that it won't bode well for me as I think I've sort of figured out why I'm single and not sure what I can do about it. Stay tuned and we can address the problem together and maybe come up with either a solution to it or a way that lets me live with it.
My name is Marcus and this blog is about my efforts to be the best father possible, a good friend, master the perfect 8 iron from 135+ yards, the ups and downs of dating, and maybe the end result of meeting my one.......................
I'm going with "Adventures of a Lifetime" by Coldplay for today's musical entrée.
It's been a low key but kind of busy weekend for me. Nothing major happened but really just a lot of little things combined to keep me going.
Friday night was actually kind of boring as I didn't do a damn thing when I got home other than make some dinner and watch a movie down in the man cave. Went to bed fairly early as my son had the 8am soccer game on Saturday.
For the second week in a row it was a blow out loss and my ex was asking me what is wrong with his coach as he only substitutes one player at a time regardless of how many he has on the bench. In this case we had 5 spares and my son ended up only playing 5 minutes of the first half and about 12 in the second half. Given that I work with numbers I did the math and with 11 total players covering 6 positions, excluding the goalie, it should have worked out to about 13 minutes per player per half or a total of approximately 26 minutes. I'm in the process of writing an email asking him what the basis is for the one by one subs when every other team, my women's team included, uses lines to spare and thus manages to balance out playing time. Now I'm willing to grant he is new at this and did ask for some assistance but my plans for the year were to be out of town on my bachelor weekends up the valley so I didn't step up and offer to help, now the question is whether it's too late to right the ship.
The rest of my Saturday was taken up getting groceries, making a return to Best Buy, picking up some new treats for Moki, visiting Fitness Depot for some resistance bands, hitting the butcher for some stew beef, and my training session with Connor.
This week was upper body as we did some bench presses, arm curls, goblet squats, sled rope pulls, sled pushes, and finished it off with some ab rolls. Man did I ever feel the ab rolls when we were done and I was headed off to do my cardio cool down cycle. Best part of the workout was that even though he had me working my ass off and gasping for air not once did I quit and he even commented that he is starting to see some good shape in my shoulders. Small victories win wars!!!!!
Saturday night was reserved for watching the NFL playoffs where I went 1 for 2 with the win coming in New England over Kansas City and the loss when my beloved Packers went down to Arizona in overtime. How does GB not go for two points at the end of that game is beyond me and something they'll have to answer for over the next few days.
I was up early this morning back at the gym to tackle leg curls, leg presses, and the lat pull ups. I'm still feeling the burn and loving it. Think my legs are starting to look pretty damn good and almost ready for shorts weather lol We won't discuss the belly yet but it's going to get there as well, trust me.
Once home I got all of the materials out for the stew and in the slow cooker for the 8 hour slow cook I like to use to get all the taste possible. Right now my place smells so good and I swear I saw Moki drooling as she just walked out of the kitchen. I'll be sitting down to eat in about 30 minutes and as I walked past the front window noticed that snow is falling, making for perfect conditions to enjoy the stew, the only thing missing is someone to share my masterpiece with.........
Been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and not sure I like what I've come up but think I need more time to go over it all before sharing it with you in a blog entry. First take is that it won't bode well for me as I think I've sort of figured out why I'm single and not sure what I can do about it. Stay tuned and we can address the problem together and maybe come up with either a solution to it or a way that lets me live with it.
My name is Marcus and this blog is about my efforts to be the best father possible, a good friend, master the perfect 8 iron from 135+ yards, the ups and downs of dating, and maybe the end result of meeting my one.......................
Thursday, January 14, 2016
The Email That Made Me Smile
Thursday, January 14/16
Try this one on for size and let me know what you think "This Is The Best" by USS (Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker)
So there I was plugging away at that darned worksheet trying to ascertain some revenue splits for our company in Singapore when my system pinged so I looked over at the other screen, I use multiple monitors at home so I can do a couple of things at once, and noticed my work email account showed a new email, we use a VPN to work from home that allows us direct access to the network and it's like we are sitting at our desks in the office.
The subject line was "New Mexico Tax Cheque" and from J our Accounts Payable Specialist. One of my first tasks when I started at the new job was to review the outstanding sales and use tax VDA's and clear them up before year end. New Mexico was a big one with a potential cost of almost US$200K that I managed to reconcile down to US$62K and an agreement that payment wasn't due until Feb 15/16 a big win in my first month or so on the job and I was really happy to be able to reduce our total liability from almost US$800K down to a little over US$125K
So I opened up the email to read that J has left the signed cheque on my desk so I can coordinate the delivery via FedEx with our logistics team as she thinks she might take off tomorrow. Nothing to special about that part of the message, nothing to really make me smile.
That actually came when I read the last line of her message......
" You are such a cheerful person, this place is like a morgue when you aren't in the office ;-) "
Talk about making my day and so validates my efforts to be happier with life and let people see the real me. When I started this job I blogged about how I was going to try and be more open and proactive in how I dealt with people as I'm very much an introvert and tend to keep to myself way more than I should, something that C pointed out and encouraged me to do more often, and here is the living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks.
I replied thanking her for the info on the cheque and even more so for the compliment. She pinged me back telling me she was just being honest and that she really thinks I'm rubbing off on people as she has noticed a pick up in attitude when I'm around. Can you colour me beaming with joy as I read that one.
I think it just goes to show that it's possible to not even realize the impact you can have on people and that this is path that offers me the most inner satisfaction.
I get more done when working from home but really do miss the interactions with the people in my group and logistics, some of them sit near us, and know it's one way I've evolved as a person as the old me would have worked at home every single chance I could.
My name is Marcus and I created this blog to document my efforts to be the best father possible, a good friend, attempts to master the perfect 8 iron from 135+ yards, miscues and wins when it comes to potentially dating, and the hope that one day my one taps me on the shoulder and says hi.
Try this one on for size and let me know what you think "This Is The Best" by USS (Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker)
So there I was plugging away at that darned worksheet trying to ascertain some revenue splits for our company in Singapore when my system pinged so I looked over at the other screen, I use multiple monitors at home so I can do a couple of things at once, and noticed my work email account showed a new email, we use a VPN to work from home that allows us direct access to the network and it's like we are sitting at our desks in the office.
The subject line was "New Mexico Tax Cheque" and from J our Accounts Payable Specialist. One of my first tasks when I started at the new job was to review the outstanding sales and use tax VDA's and clear them up before year end. New Mexico was a big one with a potential cost of almost US$200K that I managed to reconcile down to US$62K and an agreement that payment wasn't due until Feb 15/16 a big win in my first month or so on the job and I was really happy to be able to reduce our total liability from almost US$800K down to a little over US$125K
So I opened up the email to read that J has left the signed cheque on my desk so I can coordinate the delivery via FedEx with our logistics team as she thinks she might take off tomorrow. Nothing to special about that part of the message, nothing to really make me smile.
That actually came when I read the last line of her message......
" You are such a cheerful person, this place is like a morgue when you aren't in the office ;-) "
Talk about making my day and so validates my efforts to be happier with life and let people see the real me. When I started this job I blogged about how I was going to try and be more open and proactive in how I dealt with people as I'm very much an introvert and tend to keep to myself way more than I should, something that C pointed out and encouraged me to do more often, and here is the living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks.
I replied thanking her for the info on the cheque and even more so for the compliment. She pinged me back telling me she was just being honest and that she really thinks I'm rubbing off on people as she has noticed a pick up in attitude when I'm around. Can you colour me beaming with joy as I read that one.
I think it just goes to show that it's possible to not even realize the impact you can have on people and that this is path that offers me the most inner satisfaction.
I get more done when working from home but really do miss the interactions with the people in my group and logistics, some of them sit near us, and know it's one way I've evolved as a person as the old me would have worked at home every single chance I could.
My name is Marcus and I created this blog to document my efforts to be the best father possible, a good friend, attempts to master the perfect 8 iron from 135+ yards, miscues and wins when it comes to potentially dating, and the hope that one day my one taps me on the shoulder and says hi.
My Son Knows My Schedule Better Than I Do
Thursday, January 14/16
So today finds me working from home as I've got to make some progress on the consolidated revenue worksheet in order to correctly calculate transfer prices and the corresponding cost of goods sold for our foreign subsidiaries. Sounds pretty complicated and it can be if you don't pay attention and since this is my first go round I'm paying close attention. Hence the whole working from home thing as I'm finding more and more people are coming my way for help with things, which isn't a bad thing except when I have deadlines to meet.
Last night as I was folding the last of the laundry, doesn't it seem like I'm doing laundry an awful lot of the time for a single man, my son sent me a text asking if he could come to my place after school on Thursday with his new girlfriend, he bounced back pretty quickly from his own breakup, and watch a movie in the man cave.
I wasn't sure he meant to be texting me and he confirmed he was asking me since his new girlfriend lives near my place and he was going to walk to her place after school and they'd walk over to my place and watch some scary movie. I told him yes as long as his mom was ok with it and he said it was my night with him. Now since our custody arrangement has the weeks switching over on Friday's after school this one had me further confused so I replied that he was with me starting Friday upon which he said he was spending the weekend with mom doing things with her. Now being totally confused I asked what hell did he mean by that.........
As I sat there waiting for his reply my phone rang and lo and behold if it wasn't the by product of my loins calling me.
I said hello and before I could say anything else all I could hear was him laughing.
I asked what was so funny and he said you. I asked what he meant by that and he said I had the memory of a gnat at times and started laughing again with his mom doing the same in the background.
Now starting to feel a little angry I asked him to explain and he asked me if I remembered any conversation with his mom about her trip down south........and then the bells started going off as a conversation came slowly trickling back along my synapses.
Seems I agreed to switch things up to let her have him this weekend and get him back on Tuesday night as she leaves early Wednesday morning and isn't back till the following Wednesday afternoon.
So now what was my dad mode weekend has become another bachelor mode weekend with two dad mode weekends to follow. I'll still see him briefly Saturday morning as he has a 8am soccer game for me to endure and then I'm free to do whatever my heart desires.
Now this is where you might be saying I should out these types of things into my cell phone or maybe get a calendar and keep it updated. Well I normally do note them down in my iPhone but think I was driving and on speaker phone when the original conversation took place and I do have a very nice calendar hanging on my fridge courtesy of C that I haven't been updating as much as I should have over the past month or so......but I did put everything I know is happening over the next two months so I'm current once more.
As I got ready to end the call with my son he reminded me that of his game on Saturday, my training session with Connor at 12:30 the same day, and his sisters game on Sunday.
No smart ass there now is there................
So today finds me working from home as I've got to make some progress on the consolidated revenue worksheet in order to correctly calculate transfer prices and the corresponding cost of goods sold for our foreign subsidiaries. Sounds pretty complicated and it can be if you don't pay attention and since this is my first go round I'm paying close attention. Hence the whole working from home thing as I'm finding more and more people are coming my way for help with things, which isn't a bad thing except when I have deadlines to meet.
Last night as I was folding the last of the laundry, doesn't it seem like I'm doing laundry an awful lot of the time for a single man, my son sent me a text asking if he could come to my place after school on Thursday with his new girlfriend, he bounced back pretty quickly from his own breakup, and watch a movie in the man cave.
I wasn't sure he meant to be texting me and he confirmed he was asking me since his new girlfriend lives near my place and he was going to walk to her place after school and they'd walk over to my place and watch some scary movie. I told him yes as long as his mom was ok with it and he said it was my night with him. Now since our custody arrangement has the weeks switching over on Friday's after school this one had me further confused so I replied that he was with me starting Friday upon which he said he was spending the weekend with mom doing things with her. Now being totally confused I asked what hell did he mean by that.........
As I sat there waiting for his reply my phone rang and lo and behold if it wasn't the by product of my loins calling me.
I said hello and before I could say anything else all I could hear was him laughing.
I asked what was so funny and he said you. I asked what he meant by that and he said I had the memory of a gnat at times and started laughing again with his mom doing the same in the background.
Now starting to feel a little angry I asked him to explain and he asked me if I remembered any conversation with his mom about her trip down south........and then the bells started going off as a conversation came slowly trickling back along my synapses.
Seems I agreed to switch things up to let her have him this weekend and get him back on Tuesday night as she leaves early Wednesday morning and isn't back till the following Wednesday afternoon.
So now what was my dad mode weekend has become another bachelor mode weekend with two dad mode weekends to follow. I'll still see him briefly Saturday morning as he has a 8am soccer game for me to endure and then I'm free to do whatever my heart desires.
Now this is where you might be saying I should out these types of things into my cell phone or maybe get a calendar and keep it updated. Well I normally do note them down in my iPhone but think I was driving and on speaker phone when the original conversation took place and I do have a very nice calendar hanging on my fridge courtesy of C that I haven't been updating as much as I should have over the past month or so......but I did put everything I know is happening over the next two months so I'm current once more.
As I got ready to end the call with my son he reminded me that of his game on Saturday, my training session with Connor at 12:30 the same day, and his sisters game on Sunday.
No smart ass there now is there................
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
My Crazy Tuesday Night
Wednesday, January 13/16
So Monday I was joking around with my boss about how I'd be giving my notice on Thursday as I was planning on winning the Power Ball Lottery and she laughed and asked if I had a ticket for it, I told her no but I was thinking of driving down to Ogdensburg and buying one or two on Tuesday after work. She handed me some money and said if I went to get her two as well and she'd also pay me 1% of any winnings.
So last night after work I swung by the house to let Moki out for a bit, grabbed my passport, and headed down the 416 for the hour trip.
Now some might say I was a bit nuts given the distance, horrible weather (it snowed literally all day long in Ottawa), and the odds. But from my point of view what else did I have going on that made this a chore? Nada, nothing so off I went.
The drive wasn't too bad and I took my time and listened to some sports talk radio shows while enjoying the peace and quiet.
The US customs agent found my response to his "what are your reasons for visiting the US?" kind of amusing and waved me through upon clearing my name through the system.
The toll booth operator smiled when I told her I'd be back on Thursday to claim my prize.
The gentleman near the vet's center down by the river who gave me directions to a couple of spots to buy tickets wished me good luck and reaffirmed for me that small town people are the best when it comes to being friendly and helpful.
The clerk at the gas station told me to remember her if I won and smiled when I said I would.
The Canadian customs agent seemed more than a little pissed off when I told him I'd only been out of country for a little less than an hour and the look he gave me was his way of telling me he thought I was completely stupid for driving down to buy a lottery ticket.
Maybe I am but it's my crazy world and I enjoyed my drive there and back.
If I somehow defy the odds and come out of it with the winning ticket then the craziness will set in.
I mean I can't even comprehend how my life might change if I suddenly come into such a huge windfall. I do know those around me won't need for much and there are a few charities that will suddenly get cheques in the mail without any return address or name on them.........
My golf game won't suffer from lack of playing time nor will my passport go as unused as it has the last few years.
The only drawback to the night was having to drive over the bridge that spans the St. Lawrence River as I'm afraid of heights.......and doing so at night with rain/snow falling made that one scary ride both ways..........
Do you have your ticket? Will you take the 30 year annuity or immediate payout?
So Monday I was joking around with my boss about how I'd be giving my notice on Thursday as I was planning on winning the Power Ball Lottery and she laughed and asked if I had a ticket for it, I told her no but I was thinking of driving down to Ogdensburg and buying one or two on Tuesday after work. She handed me some money and said if I went to get her two as well and she'd also pay me 1% of any winnings.
So last night after work I swung by the house to let Moki out for a bit, grabbed my passport, and headed down the 416 for the hour trip.
Now some might say I was a bit nuts given the distance, horrible weather (it snowed literally all day long in Ottawa), and the odds. But from my point of view what else did I have going on that made this a chore? Nada, nothing so off I went.
The drive wasn't too bad and I took my time and listened to some sports talk radio shows while enjoying the peace and quiet.
The US customs agent found my response to his "what are your reasons for visiting the US?" kind of amusing and waved me through upon clearing my name through the system.
The toll booth operator smiled when I told her I'd be back on Thursday to claim my prize.
The gentleman near the vet's center down by the river who gave me directions to a couple of spots to buy tickets wished me good luck and reaffirmed for me that small town people are the best when it comes to being friendly and helpful.
The clerk at the gas station told me to remember her if I won and smiled when I said I would.
The Canadian customs agent seemed more than a little pissed off when I told him I'd only been out of country for a little less than an hour and the look he gave me was his way of telling me he thought I was completely stupid for driving down to buy a lottery ticket.
Maybe I am but it's my crazy world and I enjoyed my drive there and back.
If I somehow defy the odds and come out of it with the winning ticket then the craziness will set in.
I mean I can't even comprehend how my life might change if I suddenly come into such a huge windfall. I do know those around me won't need for much and there are a few charities that will suddenly get cheques in the mail without any return address or name on them.........
My golf game won't suffer from lack of playing time nor will my passport go as unused as it has the last few years.
The only drawback to the night was having to drive over the bridge that spans the St. Lawrence River as I'm afraid of heights.......and doing so at night with rain/snow falling made that one scary ride both ways..........
Do you have your ticket? Will you take the 30 year annuity or immediate payout?
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Does Religion Factor Into My Decision On Whether To Date Someone?
Tuesday, January 12/16
So I received an interesting email the other day on the dating site and it made me think a bit before I responded.
I was asked if whether a person believes in God is important enough to me to impact if I'd consider dating them.
The truth is yes, it would have an impact on my decision as while I'm not super religious, trust me the Westboro Baptist Church would have a field day if they ever got into my head and could read my thoughts on any number of subjects, it does play a part in my life.
I believe in God. Pretty simple statement in itself but there are constraints to that belief and that shouldn't come as any surprise to you if you've been reading the blog.
I guess you could say I'm an evolved creationist. Think about that for a moment and I dare you not to smile when it sinks in..........
I absolutely belief that God created the universe and I also belief that there was a Big Bang that saw the proliferation of suns, planets, and life forms, with these life forms evolving over time as conditions changed, and to really mix things up they evolved according to Darwin's Theory in that only the strong survive.
Kind of heady mix of things if I do say so myself. Now let me explain what this all means.
Somebody, we'll call him/her God for want of a better moniker, had to create that first cell, no matter how tiny, and than in my way of thinking, they wandered off and let things happen. This led to the big bang and what we sell all around us.
See what I've done there? Managed to cover myself with both viewpoints and maybe, just maybe, secured my place in a better place when my time is done here on the old blue ball we call Earth.
Seriously, I do believe in God but I'm also of the thought that he/she might be a tad too busy to actually monitor everything each sentient being across the myriad of galaxies is doing at any one time. Now I've probably gone and pissed off WBC once more by daring to suggest that we might not be alone in the universe but I'm ok with pushing those boundaries. After all this is the same group that would have roasted marsh mellows over Galileo if given the chance to burn him alive as a heretic.
I believe in God. He's kind of busy doing other things and leaves us to lead our lives the best we can and will probably make an appearance again if he royally screw things up, but until that time he's hands off and taking care of creating other cool universes, probably one's where they don't kill each other over religion or ethnic grounds, we can hope can't we?
So because I believe in God I can say whether anyone I am attracted too does as well is kind of important to me, but not absolute.
I can see you gasping and covering your faces with your hands in shock so lets continue the meandering walk through my mind and logic.
I'd love for you to believe in God. I'm not even going to say he has to be called God as I'm pretty cool with Confucius, Buddha, and Allah just to use some other descriptors as long as your deity isn't a vengeful deity and you don't use him an excuse to wage war on those you don't like.
I'm even going to go so far as to say I'm willing to accept you if you tell me you are an agnostic as at least that way you are being equal to his existence as well as doubting it at the same time.
If you tell me you are an atheist than I'm going to wish you well, not say a prayer for you as you're on your own my friend, and let you go your own separate way.
So in the end your beliefs do come into play in one way or another when I make a conscientious decision to pursue things with you.
Now that you know where I stand let the debate begin :)
So I received an interesting email the other day on the dating site and it made me think a bit before I responded.
I was asked if whether a person believes in God is important enough to me to impact if I'd consider dating them.
The truth is yes, it would have an impact on my decision as while I'm not super religious, trust me the Westboro Baptist Church would have a field day if they ever got into my head and could read my thoughts on any number of subjects, it does play a part in my life.
I believe in God. Pretty simple statement in itself but there are constraints to that belief and that shouldn't come as any surprise to you if you've been reading the blog.
I guess you could say I'm an evolved creationist. Think about that for a moment and I dare you not to smile when it sinks in..........
I absolutely belief that God created the universe and I also belief that there was a Big Bang that saw the proliferation of suns, planets, and life forms, with these life forms evolving over time as conditions changed, and to really mix things up they evolved according to Darwin's Theory in that only the strong survive.
Kind of heady mix of things if I do say so myself. Now let me explain what this all means.
Somebody, we'll call him/her God for want of a better moniker, had to create that first cell, no matter how tiny, and than in my way of thinking, they wandered off and let things happen. This led to the big bang and what we sell all around us.
See what I've done there? Managed to cover myself with both viewpoints and maybe, just maybe, secured my place in a better place when my time is done here on the old blue ball we call Earth.
Seriously, I do believe in God but I'm also of the thought that he/she might be a tad too busy to actually monitor everything each sentient being across the myriad of galaxies is doing at any one time. Now I've probably gone and pissed off WBC once more by daring to suggest that we might not be alone in the universe but I'm ok with pushing those boundaries. After all this is the same group that would have roasted marsh mellows over Galileo if given the chance to burn him alive as a heretic.
I believe in God. He's kind of busy doing other things and leaves us to lead our lives the best we can and will probably make an appearance again if he royally screw things up, but until that time he's hands off and taking care of creating other cool universes, probably one's where they don't kill each other over religion or ethnic grounds, we can hope can't we?
So because I believe in God I can say whether anyone I am attracted too does as well is kind of important to me, but not absolute.
I can see you gasping and covering your faces with your hands in shock so lets continue the meandering walk through my mind and logic.
I'd love for you to believe in God. I'm not even going to say he has to be called God as I'm pretty cool with Confucius, Buddha, and Allah just to use some other descriptors as long as your deity isn't a vengeful deity and you don't use him an excuse to wage war on those you don't like.
I'm even going to go so far as to say I'm willing to accept you if you tell me you are an agnostic as at least that way you are being equal to his existence as well as doubting it at the same time.
If you tell me you are an atheist than I'm going to wish you well, not say a prayer for you as you're on your own my friend, and let you go your own separate way.
So in the end your beliefs do come into play in one way or another when I make a conscientious decision to pursue things with you.
Now that you know where I stand let the debate begin :)
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Wishing I was back here once again..........
Sunday, January 10/16
It's been not quite a year since I was down south and while putting some things away I was reminded about the incredible trip I was fortunate to be on and the wonderful memories I'll have for the rest of my life.......enjoy some of them and thank you :)
The fifth hole at Cinnamon Hills - had to hit a hard 5 iron and aimed right of the trees behind the sand trip and let the wind curve it back onto the green.
Some locals swimming at sunset across the street from the resort - saw this same scene every single day and never got tired of it
I rarely drink but this one was my favourite and caused more brain freezes than you can shake a stick at. Someone enjoyed laughing at me when they hit and yet kept letting me order more or getting them for me herself :)
The empty dock waiting for the return of the dive boat from the morning run.
It's been not quite a year since I was down south and while putting some things away I was reminded about the incredible trip I was fortunate to be on and the wonderful memories I'll have for the rest of my life.......enjoy some of them and thank you :)
The fifth hole at Cinnamon Hills - had to hit a hard 5 iron and aimed right of the trees behind the sand trip and let the wind curve it back onto the green.
Some locals swimming at sunset across the street from the resort - saw this same scene every single day and never got tired of it
I rarely drink but this one was my favourite and caused more brain freezes than you can shake a stick at. Someone enjoyed laughing at me when they hit and yet kept letting me order more or getting them for me herself :)
The empty dock waiting for the return of the dive boat from the morning run.
Sunday Rundown
Sunday, December 10/16
Today's musical recommendation is "Desire" by Meg Myers. Warning it is a bit explicit but does reflect my own feelings at the moment.
So here we are at Sunday, close to the end of another weekend and one day closer to golf season.
I heard something on the radio during the week that said this is supposed to be one of our mildest winters and we might actually see an early spring with the majority of snow gone by end of March. When I mentioned this to my son he surprised me by saying he hopes not as it hasn't felt like winter and the green Christmas sucked in a big way. I said it might mean early times for outdoor soccer practices and he smiled and told me all I was thinking about was the potential to start playing golf sooner than usual. Nobody can say my son doesn't know his dad :)
Yesterday's session with Connor went a little better than I expected as I didn't leave Movati feeling completely destroyed, though my thighs and Latissimus Dorsi muscles are trying like crazy to remind me to stop saying such things out loud. Connor introduced me to the leg press machine and one I forgot the name of that you use to do pull ups but somehow incorporates weights in the process. The last one really worked my lat's and every time I reach for something they remind me of it. But here is the crazy part, with each stretch and slight twinge I feel so invigorated and think that one machine is now my favourite of the bunch. It's on my list to work on this afternoon when I go to the gym. I've decided to stop skipping my free day after a session with Connor as I don't think the free day is as helpful as I thought it might be, those muscles need to be worked less they get lazy.
I think I made some crazy promise to share a before and after picture of Moki in regards to her look lately so in the spirit of not breaking our compact of truth enjoy
She was really not happy having this one taken as we left home for the groomer.
Still not happy but so much cleaner and much easier to see her pouty face :)
So as a follow up to yesterday's blog I made a nice little drive up the valley, if one thinks a 3 hour round trip in a mix of rain and fog is nice, and strangely enough this guy does.
I had some mixed emotions about making the drive and used the time to reflect on where I was a year ago, where I've gone the past year, and where the path might lead me moving forward. While it has been kind of painful the past few months I wouldn't trade it away as it helped me grow as a person, introduced me to an amazing woman, and reminded me of just how wonderful it is to love someone and be loved in return.
For those wondering there was no meeting with her and that was on purpose on my part. Some might say I chickened out but I accomplished what I needed to do and now without those reminders might be able to move forward. I think one reason I avoided the direct contact was due to the warning from the follower C that said I needed to be prepared to accept what I might find. I'm not strong enough to do that at this time and when I am strong enough it won't matter as enough time will have passed to make it all moot.
Last night won't be my last trip up the valley as I've made a promise to myself not to ignore those wonderful golf courses and think a day trip or two will be made this coming golf season, and should I by chance cross paths with C and any potential new beau while I'm up there it won't be as hard for me to deal with by than and maybe, just maybe, a smile might cross my face as a nice memory reminds me of how good I had it.
So now I'm free...well lets be honest and say the most free I've felt in a long time. That isn't to say that I felt my other time was like being a prisoner. No, far, far from it my friends. That time was equally liberating and made me such a better person. No, my freedom comes from my own melancholy feelings and the inner strength I hope powers through to let me be the best me possible.
I'm not rushing off looking to check out profiles or even date. No, that will come with time, time I'm now willing to invest to make sure when it does happen it's for the all the right reasons, with the right person.
To my C, thank you and I pray you find your own One and he makes you feel as alive as you did me the past year. I'm lucky to have had you in my life for as long as I did and hope you know the place you'll hold in my heart.
Enough blogging.......I've got some Xmas decorations to take down, some new pants to buy, and a bookstore to hit this afternoon.
It's raining hard right now and reportedly will continue doing so all day. Stay dry and drive safely should you venture out today.
Today's musical recommendation is "Desire" by Meg Myers. Warning it is a bit explicit but does reflect my own feelings at the moment.
So here we are at Sunday, close to the end of another weekend and one day closer to golf season.
I heard something on the radio during the week that said this is supposed to be one of our mildest winters and we might actually see an early spring with the majority of snow gone by end of March. When I mentioned this to my son he surprised me by saying he hopes not as it hasn't felt like winter and the green Christmas sucked in a big way. I said it might mean early times for outdoor soccer practices and he smiled and told me all I was thinking about was the potential to start playing golf sooner than usual. Nobody can say my son doesn't know his dad :)
Yesterday's session with Connor went a little better than I expected as I didn't leave Movati feeling completely destroyed, though my thighs and Latissimus Dorsi muscles are trying like crazy to remind me to stop saying such things out loud. Connor introduced me to the leg press machine and one I forgot the name of that you use to do pull ups but somehow incorporates weights in the process. The last one really worked my lat's and every time I reach for something they remind me of it. But here is the crazy part, with each stretch and slight twinge I feel so invigorated and think that one machine is now my favourite of the bunch. It's on my list to work on this afternoon when I go to the gym. I've decided to stop skipping my free day after a session with Connor as I don't think the free day is as helpful as I thought it might be, those muscles need to be worked less they get lazy.
I think I made some crazy promise to share a before and after picture of Moki in regards to her look lately so in the spirit of not breaking our compact of truth enjoy
So as a follow up to yesterday's blog I made a nice little drive up the valley, if one thinks a 3 hour round trip in a mix of rain and fog is nice, and strangely enough this guy does.
I had some mixed emotions about making the drive and used the time to reflect on where I was a year ago, where I've gone the past year, and where the path might lead me moving forward. While it has been kind of painful the past few months I wouldn't trade it away as it helped me grow as a person, introduced me to an amazing woman, and reminded me of just how wonderful it is to love someone and be loved in return.
For those wondering there was no meeting with her and that was on purpose on my part. Some might say I chickened out but I accomplished what I needed to do and now without those reminders might be able to move forward. I think one reason I avoided the direct contact was due to the warning from the follower C that said I needed to be prepared to accept what I might find. I'm not strong enough to do that at this time and when I am strong enough it won't matter as enough time will have passed to make it all moot.
Last night won't be my last trip up the valley as I've made a promise to myself not to ignore those wonderful golf courses and think a day trip or two will be made this coming golf season, and should I by chance cross paths with C and any potential new beau while I'm up there it won't be as hard for me to deal with by than and maybe, just maybe, a smile might cross my face as a nice memory reminds me of how good I had it.
So now I'm free...well lets be honest and say the most free I've felt in a long time. That isn't to say that I felt my other time was like being a prisoner. No, far, far from it my friends. That time was equally liberating and made me such a better person. No, my freedom comes from my own melancholy feelings and the inner strength I hope powers through to let me be the best me possible.
I'm not rushing off looking to check out profiles or even date. No, that will come with time, time I'm now willing to invest to make sure when it does happen it's for the all the right reasons, with the right person.
To my C, thank you and I pray you find your own One and he makes you feel as alive as you did me the past year. I'm lucky to have had you in my life for as long as I did and hope you know the place you'll hold in my heart.
Enough blogging.......I've got some Xmas decorations to take down, some new pants to buy, and a bookstore to hit this afternoon.
It's raining hard right now and reportedly will continue doing so all day. Stay dry and drive safely should you venture out today.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
A Message From A Follower That Was Like A Slap To The Face
Saturday, December 09/16
Heard this one coming home this morning from watching my son's soccer team get blown out 5-2 and it reminded me how much I like this group. "These Days" by The Foo Fighters
So this morning I awoke to a message from C about my issues in dealing with C's breaking things off with me. No, not the same C at all and it made me realize I know a lot of people whose name starts with the letter C, including my own daughter :)
It started off just asking how I was doing and sort of built from there. I've copied the conversation below so you can see it.
C: How are you?
M: Meh.....battling the possibility of tipping over into the abyss
C: You mean dating?
M: Everything
C: Or do you mean going to see C
M: Not even sure what I'm doing these days to be honest
C: Well good luck with your choices. If yo want to talk I'm here
M: Thanks. Just having a hard time lately
and then came this......
C:Maybe you do need to decide what you're doing so you can move one way or the other. Either go see her, go for it and either win or lose. Or put it behind you and start dating. Be prepared to live with the consequences if you see her. From what you said about your Christmas reach out I'm surprised you are thinking of that. It's time to LIVE your life Marcus, no one deserves for you to stop living your life for them. You've been in limbo long enough. Sorry if I'm harsh. I'm trying to move on in my life. You can do it and you will do better for it. You must miss being close to a woman.
I haven't responded to the last message as the last line really hit home.....just this morning I woke up and lay in bed thinking how much it sucked to wake up alone, how I never knew how much I'd come to enjoy the warmth of a body next to mine, the comfort of feeling her pressed up against me.
I received another message from a follower that basically told me that I'd be so pissed off if someone told me they'd been wallowing in all of this self doubt and pity like I've been and maybe I needed to make a decision and get the hell on with my life. Bottom line it's time to cook the meal or get the hell out of the kitchen. Yes, I know that isn't really how that saying goes but every now and than I try and keep the swearing down to a bare minimum and saying it's time to shit or get off the pot didn't seem appropriate.........
So I have a training session at 12:30 with Connor and will be in much pain afterwards but I've got one thing to do this afternoon and than I'm going to be moving onwards with my life.
Apologies for being such a drama king the last little while and thanks to all who've written to offer me encouragement. It means a lot more than you'll know.
I've closed the door that seemed to be trying to lure me to the edge of the abyss and am opening another one that I hopes offers me some ray of hope........
My name is Marcus and this blog is about my efforts to be the best father and friend possible, my attempts to master the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, dating wins and losses, and if I'm lucky at some point maybe my one will tap me on the shoulder and say "Hi, my name is......."
Heard this one coming home this morning from watching my son's soccer team get blown out 5-2 and it reminded me how much I like this group. "These Days" by The Foo Fighters
So this morning I awoke to a message from C about my issues in dealing with C's breaking things off with me. No, not the same C at all and it made me realize I know a lot of people whose name starts with the letter C, including my own daughter :)
It started off just asking how I was doing and sort of built from there. I've copied the conversation below so you can see it.
C: How are you?
M: Meh.....battling the possibility of tipping over into the abyss
C: You mean dating?
M: Everything
C: Or do you mean going to see C
M: Not even sure what I'm doing these days to be honest
C: Well good luck with your choices. If yo want to talk I'm here
M: Thanks. Just having a hard time lately
and then came this......
C:Maybe you do need to decide what you're doing so you can move one way or the other. Either go see her, go for it and either win or lose. Or put it behind you and start dating. Be prepared to live with the consequences if you see her. From what you said about your Christmas reach out I'm surprised you are thinking of that. It's time to LIVE your life Marcus, no one deserves for you to stop living your life for them. You've been in limbo long enough. Sorry if I'm harsh. I'm trying to move on in my life. You can do it and you will do better for it. You must miss being close to a woman.
I haven't responded to the last message as the last line really hit home.....just this morning I woke up and lay in bed thinking how much it sucked to wake up alone, how I never knew how much I'd come to enjoy the warmth of a body next to mine, the comfort of feeling her pressed up against me.
I received another message from a follower that basically told me that I'd be so pissed off if someone told me they'd been wallowing in all of this self doubt and pity like I've been and maybe I needed to make a decision and get the hell on with my life. Bottom line it's time to cook the meal or get the hell out of the kitchen. Yes, I know that isn't really how that saying goes but every now and than I try and keep the swearing down to a bare minimum and saying it's time to shit or get off the pot didn't seem appropriate.........
So I have a training session at 12:30 with Connor and will be in much pain afterwards but I've got one thing to do this afternoon and than I'm going to be moving onwards with my life.
Apologies for being such a drama king the last little while and thanks to all who've written to offer me encouragement. It means a lot more than you'll know.
I've closed the door that seemed to be trying to lure me to the edge of the abyss and am opening another one that I hopes offers me some ray of hope........
My name is Marcus and this blog is about my efforts to be the best father and friend possible, my attempts to master the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, dating wins and losses, and if I'm lucky at some point maybe my one will tap me on the shoulder and say "Hi, my name is......."
Friday, January 8, 2016
Ahhhhh, the weekend is here
January 08/16
Fire And The Flood by Vance Joy for today's little musical suggestion.
So it's the weekend and I've got little to nothing planned, which is actually sounding a lot better than I first thought as I'm thinking some down time might be just what I need.
Work has been a bit crazy this week with year end and the need to get some prelim numbers posted for review by the executive team coupled with the need to create the massive consolidated revenue worksheet required to prepare transfer pricing across all of our subsidiaries. It's probably the most scrutinised worksheet given that a mistake can lead to a tax audit from multiple agencies around the world, nothing like being reminded of that little gem by the CEO this afternoon as I was heading out the door.
My son transitioned to his mom's place today after school so I like to say I'm in my bachelor mode week but it really doesn't differ all that much from when he's with me as there isn't too much going on other than work, the gym, walking Moki, and watching soccer games involving both my kids.
Last night my son found me online researching golf club memberships for this summer and asked if I was finally going to pull the trigger this year and get one. I laughed and said I didn't talk too much about them and he was exaggerating a bit. He said I'd been talking about it getting one for years and I knew that wasn't true and called him out on it. We agreed that I`d been talking about it back in 2014 but a couple of things made me stop looking. The first was that I didn't think I`d hit the number of rounds needed to make it a good investment given that I play a round weekly with my friend B and we like to rotate our play among a group of courses that includes Glen Mar, Greensmere, Pakenham, and Arnprior. The second was that I knew last year that I'd be alternating my free weekends between Ottawa and up the valley visiting C and that would cut into my options to play and thus not be drive down my per round cost. The added benefit to visiting C was that due to her senior position she was able to get greatly reduced green fees at Pembroke, Roanoke, and Petawawa so I never missed a weekend playing golf. Plus I fell in love with these three valley courses and actually rank them in my top 6 of all courses in the Ottawa region.
I told him it looked more like I was going to bite the bullet and join at Glen Mar, least for 2016 as they are offering a special membership for first time members that I can easily make work for me this season. If everything works out I can see myself playing 2-3 times per week. It`s not like I have anything else going on now is it?. This includes playing nine a couple of mornings a week before I head into work and possibly a round after work, depending on what happens soccer wise with my son and his team.
He said that sounded like a plan and I offered to look into what a family membership costs if he was interested in playing this summer. That one earned me the look that said I must be from another planet and don't understand how to speak English anymore, that and a head shake as he walked out of the home office.
Moki has been looking kind of ratty the past week or so and it dawned on me she was way past due for a visit to the groomer so I booked her in for one at lunch today. My lunch was spent coming home to get her and running her over for Brenda to make her look like a princess once again. I'll upload some before and after pictures so you can judge if it worked, Moki thinks it did as she has her strut back and is once more a little diva!!
I have some homework to do this weekend as I've been to see someone about how I'm not coping all that well with the breakup and after talking for a bit she asked me to write down what made me happy and/or sad about C. This should be interesting to say the least. One thing I learned was that the grieving process is harder the more depth you feel for the person and length of relationship doesn't come into play nearly as much as I imagined. This came up as I asked why the pain I feel from a year long relationship ending hurts so much more than when my marriage ended and that relationship was almost thirteen years in the making.
My son knows about my visits as I'm a big believer in talking to someone when you have an issue and want him to know that it's ok to reach out for help when you need it, that you can't always face them alone, nor can you always find a solution but that sometimes just talking can offer some solace and hope for the future.
On the way to school he asked me how the dating profile was going and I had to admit that I've not been paying attention to it as it just doesn't feel like it's right for me at this moment and I didn't want to mislead anyone who I might come across as that would be a horrible way to act. He didn't say anything more on the drive but I could tell he was processing it and decided to bide my time as I was sure the end result would be worth waiting for when he got there.
Sure enough it was.....as I drove up to the drop off area at his high school he grabbed his bag from the back and left me with these words......"You know it's not that far of a drive up the valley and they are calling for decent weather, you should make the move dad".
As I watched him walk towards the entrance to the school and a group of his friends I silently whispered "If it was only that easy son".
There is a part of me that wants to make that drive but the chance of seeing something that might really hurt is more than enough to make me resist doing so. I think at this point in time any move can't be made by me but has to come from outside showing me the strength to try once more is alive and possible. Will I ever see that happen? I don't really know but I like to think time makes anything possible and maybe my giving a second chance last year will be paid forward this year. It could happen....
My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing attempts at being a good father, friend, finding the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, dating, and possibly finding (or preferably regaining) the one!!
Fire And The Flood by Vance Joy for today's little musical suggestion.
So it's the weekend and I've got little to nothing planned, which is actually sounding a lot better than I first thought as I'm thinking some down time might be just what I need.
Work has been a bit crazy this week with year end and the need to get some prelim numbers posted for review by the executive team coupled with the need to create the massive consolidated revenue worksheet required to prepare transfer pricing across all of our subsidiaries. It's probably the most scrutinised worksheet given that a mistake can lead to a tax audit from multiple agencies around the world, nothing like being reminded of that little gem by the CEO this afternoon as I was heading out the door.
My son transitioned to his mom's place today after school so I like to say I'm in my bachelor mode week but it really doesn't differ all that much from when he's with me as there isn't too much going on other than work, the gym, walking Moki, and watching soccer games involving both my kids.
Last night my son found me online researching golf club memberships for this summer and asked if I was finally going to pull the trigger this year and get one. I laughed and said I didn't talk too much about them and he was exaggerating a bit. He said I'd been talking about it getting one for years and I knew that wasn't true and called him out on it. We agreed that I`d been talking about it back in 2014 but a couple of things made me stop looking. The first was that I didn't think I`d hit the number of rounds needed to make it a good investment given that I play a round weekly with my friend B and we like to rotate our play among a group of courses that includes Glen Mar, Greensmere, Pakenham, and Arnprior. The second was that I knew last year that I'd be alternating my free weekends between Ottawa and up the valley visiting C and that would cut into my options to play and thus not be drive down my per round cost. The added benefit to visiting C was that due to her senior position she was able to get greatly reduced green fees at Pembroke, Roanoke, and Petawawa so I never missed a weekend playing golf. Plus I fell in love with these three valley courses and actually rank them in my top 6 of all courses in the Ottawa region.
I told him it looked more like I was going to bite the bullet and join at Glen Mar, least for 2016 as they are offering a special membership for first time members that I can easily make work for me this season. If everything works out I can see myself playing 2-3 times per week. It`s not like I have anything else going on now is it?. This includes playing nine a couple of mornings a week before I head into work and possibly a round after work, depending on what happens soccer wise with my son and his team.
He said that sounded like a plan and I offered to look into what a family membership costs if he was interested in playing this summer. That one earned me the look that said I must be from another planet and don't understand how to speak English anymore, that and a head shake as he walked out of the home office.
Moki has been looking kind of ratty the past week or so and it dawned on me she was way past due for a visit to the groomer so I booked her in for one at lunch today. My lunch was spent coming home to get her and running her over for Brenda to make her look like a princess once again. I'll upload some before and after pictures so you can judge if it worked, Moki thinks it did as she has her strut back and is once more a little diva!!
I have some homework to do this weekend as I've been to see someone about how I'm not coping all that well with the breakup and after talking for a bit she asked me to write down what made me happy and/or sad about C. This should be interesting to say the least. One thing I learned was that the grieving process is harder the more depth you feel for the person and length of relationship doesn't come into play nearly as much as I imagined. This came up as I asked why the pain I feel from a year long relationship ending hurts so much more than when my marriage ended and that relationship was almost thirteen years in the making.
My son knows about my visits as I'm a big believer in talking to someone when you have an issue and want him to know that it's ok to reach out for help when you need it, that you can't always face them alone, nor can you always find a solution but that sometimes just talking can offer some solace and hope for the future.
On the way to school he asked me how the dating profile was going and I had to admit that I've not been paying attention to it as it just doesn't feel like it's right for me at this moment and I didn't want to mislead anyone who I might come across as that would be a horrible way to act. He didn't say anything more on the drive but I could tell he was processing it and decided to bide my time as I was sure the end result would be worth waiting for when he got there.
Sure enough it was.....as I drove up to the drop off area at his high school he grabbed his bag from the back and left me with these words......"You know it's not that far of a drive up the valley and they are calling for decent weather, you should make the move dad".
As I watched him walk towards the entrance to the school and a group of his friends I silently whispered "If it was only that easy son".
There is a part of me that wants to make that drive but the chance of seeing something that might really hurt is more than enough to make me resist doing so. I think at this point in time any move can't be made by me but has to come from outside showing me the strength to try once more is alive and possible. Will I ever see that happen? I don't really know but I like to think time makes anything possible and maybe my giving a second chance last year will be paid forward this year. It could happen....
My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing attempts at being a good father, friend, finding the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, dating, and possibly finding (or preferably regaining) the one!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Profiles, cooking, and a simple hug that made me cry
January 06/16
My musical suggestion is "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. This one matches my mood perfectly
So over the past few days I've been getting the occasional smile sent my way on the site about my profile but haven't really been making much of an effort myself to look at the matches being sent to me. Partially because I just find it mentally exhausting to look at profiles and try and imagine myself on a date with the person and partially because I never thought I'd be back at square one starting all over again and find it more than a bit depressing.
I promised my kids and myself I'd try but I never went into any details on how hard I'd try and think this is going to be a really long process as I just don't see it happening very soon.
One issue is that this site was where I was brought into contact with C and it just reminds me of what I had and what I lost. I know that it's also proof of what's possible and I should really take that to heart more than anything else but it's just hard, much harder than I imagined it would be when I agreed to open up and create the account. I have this irrational fear that I'll come across a new potential match and the profile will be one set up by C. How utterly poetic would that be? A brutal reminder that I was matched with her once before and here we are matched again without the possibility of it being real this time around.
I was talking to my ex this morning about the kids and the conversation turned to our son and what he plans on doing soccer wise this summer as he is torn between playing competitive and going back to house league to play with his friends. I mentioned that I'd listed him with the club as competitive this summer so that option stays open and would do the same with the old club so he has the option to play rec league as well. His mother said she thought that sounded good and asked what were my plans in regards to coaching and I said the club had already asked me if I'd consider coaching this summer but that I hadn't made any decisions as a lot of it depends on what our son decides. She asked if it was as a head coach or assistant coach and I told her I think as an AC as there looks to be only three U17 teams this summer versus the four U16 teams they fielded last season. She wondered how I'd like that given my frustration with the old HC from last season and I said I thought I'd done pretty well last season, she laughed and said I was frustrated being an AC last year and I replied that was due to dealing with the HC until I was able to move him in the direction we needed to go. That made her laugh and she said it was my call and I should talk to the boy about it and I said I already had but was still unsure as it did cut into my golf time and we both know how much I love golf and my kids.
She sighed and said I needed to find something other than golf and soccer to occupy my time in the summer and before I could stop myself I replied "C filled that void and now I'm lost"
I think she was as shocked as I was to hear me say that and I could almost see the sadness in her eyes as I heard her reply "I know and wish I could do something to help you but it's something you've got to get through on your own"..............................
When I got home tonight I seasoned some pork and tossed it in the oven as I pulled out potatoes and started to cut them into quarters and mixed them with some oil and seasonings. I opened up my phone to check on the time and temp to cook them at when my son came into the kitchen and caught me staring at the notes app. He asked what was wrong and I told him nothing as he came to stand next to me and looked at my phone, without saying a word he hugged me and said he loved me and I was going to get through this and meet someone special. Before I could ask what brought that comment on he grabbed a bottle of water and headed back to his room to work on his English homework, as he walked away I looked down at the phone and realized what made him do and say that as the note was titled "C's Food Notes" and were a list of several items and how to prepare them.
I find myself reminded of her all the time and wonder if she ever thinks of me, if she misses me as much as I miss her. I have these thoughts and then know she doesn't as how could she if she ended things between us.
I could feel the tears coming and knew there was nothing I could do to avoid them so I went down to the basement and let them flow, in gratitude for having such an empathetic son and for having had such an amazing woman in my life, Yes, she's gone for good from my life but that doesn't mean that she isn't still having a positive impact on my life.
Today was one of those days and I'm sure to have more before the clouds clear and I can see the sunrise, and just maybe the sunset with someone beside me.
They say that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger so considering the rough shape my heart is in these days I can only imagine the machine it'll be this time next year :)
My name is Marcus and I had the one in my life but wasn't secure enough in her love for me to show her how awesome I felt with her. These are my ongoing adventures in parenting, golfing, coaching, and possibly one day dating and loving again.
My musical suggestion is "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. This one matches my mood perfectly
So over the past few days I've been getting the occasional smile sent my way on the site about my profile but haven't really been making much of an effort myself to look at the matches being sent to me. Partially because I just find it mentally exhausting to look at profiles and try and imagine myself on a date with the person and partially because I never thought I'd be back at square one starting all over again and find it more than a bit depressing.
I promised my kids and myself I'd try but I never went into any details on how hard I'd try and think this is going to be a really long process as I just don't see it happening very soon.
One issue is that this site was where I was brought into contact with C and it just reminds me of what I had and what I lost. I know that it's also proof of what's possible and I should really take that to heart more than anything else but it's just hard, much harder than I imagined it would be when I agreed to open up and create the account. I have this irrational fear that I'll come across a new potential match and the profile will be one set up by C. How utterly poetic would that be? A brutal reminder that I was matched with her once before and here we are matched again without the possibility of it being real this time around.
I was talking to my ex this morning about the kids and the conversation turned to our son and what he plans on doing soccer wise this summer as he is torn between playing competitive and going back to house league to play with his friends. I mentioned that I'd listed him with the club as competitive this summer so that option stays open and would do the same with the old club so he has the option to play rec league as well. His mother said she thought that sounded good and asked what were my plans in regards to coaching and I said the club had already asked me if I'd consider coaching this summer but that I hadn't made any decisions as a lot of it depends on what our son decides. She asked if it was as a head coach or assistant coach and I told her I think as an AC as there looks to be only three U17 teams this summer versus the four U16 teams they fielded last season. She wondered how I'd like that given my frustration with the old HC from last season and I said I thought I'd done pretty well last season, she laughed and said I was frustrated being an AC last year and I replied that was due to dealing with the HC until I was able to move him in the direction we needed to go. That made her laugh and she said it was my call and I should talk to the boy about it and I said I already had but was still unsure as it did cut into my golf time and we both know how much I love golf and my kids.
She sighed and said I needed to find something other than golf and soccer to occupy my time in the summer and before I could stop myself I replied "C filled that void and now I'm lost"
I think she was as shocked as I was to hear me say that and I could almost see the sadness in her eyes as I heard her reply "I know and wish I could do something to help you but it's something you've got to get through on your own"..............................
When I got home tonight I seasoned some pork and tossed it in the oven as I pulled out potatoes and started to cut them into quarters and mixed them with some oil and seasonings. I opened up my phone to check on the time and temp to cook them at when my son came into the kitchen and caught me staring at the notes app. He asked what was wrong and I told him nothing as he came to stand next to me and looked at my phone, without saying a word he hugged me and said he loved me and I was going to get through this and meet someone special. Before I could ask what brought that comment on he grabbed a bottle of water and headed back to his room to work on his English homework, as he walked away I looked down at the phone and realized what made him do and say that as the note was titled "C's Food Notes" and were a list of several items and how to prepare them.
I find myself reminded of her all the time and wonder if she ever thinks of me, if she misses me as much as I miss her. I have these thoughts and then know she doesn't as how could she if she ended things between us.
I could feel the tears coming and knew there was nothing I could do to avoid them so I went down to the basement and let them flow, in gratitude for having such an empathetic son and for having had such an amazing woman in my life, Yes, she's gone for good from my life but that doesn't mean that she isn't still having a positive impact on my life.
Today was one of those days and I'm sure to have more before the clouds clear and I can see the sunrise, and just maybe the sunset with someone beside me.
They say that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger so considering the rough shape my heart is in these days I can only imagine the machine it'll be this time next year :)
My name is Marcus and I had the one in my life but wasn't secure enough in her love for me to show her how awesome I felt with her. These are my ongoing adventures in parenting, golfing, coaching, and possibly one day dating and loving again.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Did I Close The Door On C?
January 04/16
Just a quick post to clear up where I stand on things as I've received a few messages about my decision to step back into the dating world, most were positive but a couple have been kind of harsh and paint me in a very negative light.
First off, I have closed the door on C but it isn't locked.
What does that even mean you might be asking so let me outline it for you.
I have decided to look at the possibility of dating once again and taken the step of creating a new account at eHarmony to facilitate the whole process. This does not mean I wouldn't be open to seeing C should she reach out to me but I think we can all say that the odds of that happening are about as good as me winning the US Open this year over Speith, Fowler, Johnson, and McIlroy.
Opening up a profile does not mean I'm rushing off meeting women willy nilly. I think anyone who has read the blog knows I don't rush into things and will take my sweet time in agreeing to meet someone.
Am I even ready to date? It has been a couple of months now and I do think it's time I let myself be open to the possibilities but that doesn't mean I'm falling head over heals for the first person I meet, please have a bit more faith in me than that :)
For those offering me encouragement I say thank you. I've blogged about putting yourself out there and being open to meeting the one so I really should follow my own advice right.
For those saying I'm not being fair to C I'll just ask for some good examples of this as she ended things with me and moved on by telling me she has no desire to see me again. I think she was pretty clear and if I somehow misunderstood her words or you have information saying she still wants me than please feel free to share it.
I made a mistake and acted childish. I admit it and apologized to her for it. She didn't feel like what we had was worth a second chance on her part and has moved onto bigger and better things so why am I being punished for doing the same.
How long do you think I should sit around waiting for the call that will never come?
How many times do I need to walk to the front window and look out hoping to see her SUV pull into my driveway before I'm free of this self torture?
Am I over C? No, and I probably won't ever be over her completely but I will move on and rebuild my life so that I'm happy with myself once again.
So, I've closed the door but she still has a key and knows what she has to do if this isn't really what she wants. In the meantime I'm going to live my life and if something happens it happens and if it doesn't, well I'm ok with that too.
My heart is broken, but that doesn't mean it's stopped working!!!
Just a quick post to clear up where I stand on things as I've received a few messages about my decision to step back into the dating world, most were positive but a couple have been kind of harsh and paint me in a very negative light.
First off, I have closed the door on C but it isn't locked.
What does that even mean you might be asking so let me outline it for you.
I have decided to look at the possibility of dating once again and taken the step of creating a new account at eHarmony to facilitate the whole process. This does not mean I wouldn't be open to seeing C should she reach out to me but I think we can all say that the odds of that happening are about as good as me winning the US Open this year over Speith, Fowler, Johnson, and McIlroy.
Opening up a profile does not mean I'm rushing off meeting women willy nilly. I think anyone who has read the blog knows I don't rush into things and will take my sweet time in agreeing to meet someone.
Am I even ready to date? It has been a couple of months now and I do think it's time I let myself be open to the possibilities but that doesn't mean I'm falling head over heals for the first person I meet, please have a bit more faith in me than that :)
For those offering me encouragement I say thank you. I've blogged about putting yourself out there and being open to meeting the one so I really should follow my own advice right.
For those saying I'm not being fair to C I'll just ask for some good examples of this as she ended things with me and moved on by telling me she has no desire to see me again. I think she was pretty clear and if I somehow misunderstood her words or you have information saying she still wants me than please feel free to share it.
I made a mistake and acted childish. I admit it and apologized to her for it. She didn't feel like what we had was worth a second chance on her part and has moved onto bigger and better things so why am I being punished for doing the same.
How long do you think I should sit around waiting for the call that will never come?
How many times do I need to walk to the front window and look out hoping to see her SUV pull into my driveway before I'm free of this self torture?
Am I over C? No, and I probably won't ever be over her completely but I will move on and rebuild my life so that I'm happy with myself once again.
So, I've closed the door but she still has a key and knows what she has to do if this isn't really what she wants. In the meantime I'm going to live my life and if something happens it happens and if it doesn't, well I'm ok with that too.
My heart is broken, but that doesn't mean it's stopped working!!!
Sunday, January 3, 2016
The First Sunday of 2016 Comes With A Decision
January 03/16
The song for today is "Drive" by Incubus. I know it's not something new by an indie artist but try and remember this little gem..........not everything new is bad nor everything old good.
So here we are with the first Sunday of 2016 and what an interesting day it turned out to be in the end.
I did the gym this morning before coming home to get my son up and going for his soccer training session only to find him racked with a cough and looking the worse for wear. I sent him back to bed and sent the coach an email apologizing for the late notice but I was going to keep him home as the last thing he needs is to miss any classes with exams coming up in a couple of weeks,
While he fell back asleep I went out and shovelled the snow off the deck and let Moki out to do her thing. While she was busy I did the front walk and stoop to come back and discover a snow monster at the gate as it looked like she'd been rooting in the snow and had a very cute little snow beard going on for her efforts.
Shaved and showered and was off to Bayshore to exchange two of the shirts he got for Christmas for ones in the correct size and was unlucky in trying to find him the jeans he wanted as they were out of stock at Jack Jones, though I was told they were expecting new stock on Monday and Wednesday so it looks like a visit to the mall at lunch on Thursday. From Bayshore I hit the Best Buy at the Kanata Centrum for another exchange and some advice about the poor sound quality from our Pioneer receiver and Boston Acoustic speakers. Once that was all done I headed home to check on him, still sound asleep, and Moki, standing guard over the boy :)
I took a moment to lay down on the couch for a moment and read some on my iPad before heading out to watch my daughters soccer team play at 2pm.
Before I left I made sure the son was up as he had some English to work that is due on Monday and he wasn't appreciative of being reminded that his winter break is over - is that one form of a parents compensation? lol
My ex was at the game and smiled at me with a sort of funny look that had me wondering what I'd done or was going to be asked to do........you know that feeling right?
I sort of stood off to the side as I was really not in the mood for talking but that just wasn't in the cards today as about 10 minutes into the game she called my name and pointed to the empty bench for me to come and sit down. Thinking it best to get it over with I went and sat down but she didn't really say anything out of the ordinary, least not till halftime when she commented about how bad our daughters team was playing and how her coach couldn't find water if he was sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake. That made me laugh and in his defense I said I had to agree that this team was struggling but reminded her that our daughters Sunday team was her summer team and a lot of the players don't play winter soccer as they are off at university. I could see from the corner of my eye that she turned and was staring at me and heard her mutter to herself "who the hell are you and what have you done with the uber competitive soccer coach I know?"
That made me laugh and I told her I was just enjoying myself as a soccer parent and not having to deal with placing players in the right positions, calling set plays off corner kicks, or thinking about changing formations mid game. She stared at me as she replied "Good to see you've not been giving this any thoughts" and then smiled, a real genuine smile. She told me that our daughter had been commenting that she couldn't wait for this season to be over so the next one would get here quicker and she'd get her good coach back. I didn't say anything but could feel the conflict inside me as I'm not sure I want to coach again, not because I don't love it but really for that very reason, I let it consume me and lose sight of the beauty that is watching my daughter play the game she loves so much.
My ex leaned over and told me that our daughter wanted to talk to me after the game so I shouldn't plan on jetting at the final whistle. I looked over and told her I wasn't sure about coaching any time soon and she just shook her head and said that wasn't what she wanted to talk to me about.
I figured there was going to be some request to borrow money so she could get something for her house or maybe to store even more stuff at my place until she moves to her place in May.
The game ended in a 2-1 loss and it really wasn't as close as the score would lead you to believe. There were several things I would have done that might have resulted in a different score but I think not always winning is good as it allows my kids to develop a little humility.
My daughter walked across the pitch and her mother walked away to give us some space. I said I heard she wanted to talk to me and she looked briefly looked at her mom for encouragement and she was told "You said it was important to tell him so go ahead, I'll meet you in the car" and her mom walked out of the dome.
I just looked at my daughter with a raised eyebrow and she smiled at me as I knew that would relax her a little. I smiled and told her just to ask me what she wanted to ask me and we'd go from there. hearing that made her give me a triumphant look and she told me she didn't want anything from me, well not really from me but for me. I asked what she meant and she sort of hesitated and told me that I know she loves me right? I said of course I do and even if you didn't your mother would make you and we both laughed.
Than she did something that completely caught me off guard. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes and said "It's time dad, no more being sad"
I told her I'm not sat and she bluntly told me "Bullshit, you've been pining for C and it's time you face reality, she's moved on and you need to do the same, get out there and start dating, dammit"
My kids aren't usually so direct when dealing with me but for some reason lately they've been taking a different path, maybe it's maturity showing up in them, maybe a sense of frustration seeing me as I am the past couple of months, maybe just that they love me and want me to be happy again. More likely it's a combination of all these things.
I looked away and said it wasn't that easy and again she told me to stop bullshitting her. "talk to people, there are a lot of women who would be lucky to have you, and if C can't see past your mistake and give you another chance like you gave her this summer than don't you dare let it hold you back anymore"
I didn't say anything but knew in my heart that she was right, I'd been pining away waiting for something to happen that I knew deep inside was never going to happen and it was time to start acting like myself again.
She took my arm and we walked out of the dome and as we got near her mom's SUV she made me promise to open up and let myself date again. She said it didn't mean I was closing the door I wanted to be open but rather giving myself options, something she reminded me I'd told her and her brother to do countless times before, of course my entreaties were about getting a good education but it didn't seem like the time to mention that little detail. I promised her I would and gave her a hug goodbye and said we'd talk this week, waved to my ex, and walked to my car.
As I started it up and got the heater going I pulled my iPhone out to text my son to let him know I was heading home and found a text from my ex that she must have sent when I was talking to my daughter that said "You know she is right and both the kids are worried about you, you are too good a man to be alone all the time"
When I got home I let my son know I was going to get dinner going around 5pm and he said that sounded great as it would give me time to set up a new eHarmony account!
I stopped in my tracks at hearing that and he walked down the hall into the kitchen to hug me and said he knew about my talk with his sister. I said to him "so it's gang up on dad day is it" and he smiled and said "if it works than hell yes"
So before starting dinner, butterfly pork chops with some seasonings cooked in a bit of beer, matched with roasted potatoes and yellow beans, I created a new account and signed up for six months.
Why pay Harmony when I could do POF for free you ask? eHarmony brought me C and I'm hoping lightening can strike twice :)
So it looks like I'm back in the dating game, though I don't treat it like a game. I have to admit I feel guilty setting it up, almost like I'm cheating on someone, but I was the one dumped so I guess that is kind of a stupid way too feel isn't it?
My name is Marcus and these are my continuing adventures at being a father, friend, golfer striving to hit the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, and maybe, just maybe, an imperfectly perfect boyfriend.......
The song for today is "Drive" by Incubus. I know it's not something new by an indie artist but try and remember this little gem..........not everything new is bad nor everything old good.
So here we are with the first Sunday of 2016 and what an interesting day it turned out to be in the end.
I did the gym this morning before coming home to get my son up and going for his soccer training session only to find him racked with a cough and looking the worse for wear. I sent him back to bed and sent the coach an email apologizing for the late notice but I was going to keep him home as the last thing he needs is to miss any classes with exams coming up in a couple of weeks,
While he fell back asleep I went out and shovelled the snow off the deck and let Moki out to do her thing. While she was busy I did the front walk and stoop to come back and discover a snow monster at the gate as it looked like she'd been rooting in the snow and had a very cute little snow beard going on for her efforts.
Shaved and showered and was off to Bayshore to exchange two of the shirts he got for Christmas for ones in the correct size and was unlucky in trying to find him the jeans he wanted as they were out of stock at Jack Jones, though I was told they were expecting new stock on Monday and Wednesday so it looks like a visit to the mall at lunch on Thursday. From Bayshore I hit the Best Buy at the Kanata Centrum for another exchange and some advice about the poor sound quality from our Pioneer receiver and Boston Acoustic speakers. Once that was all done I headed home to check on him, still sound asleep, and Moki, standing guard over the boy :)
I took a moment to lay down on the couch for a moment and read some on my iPad before heading out to watch my daughters soccer team play at 2pm.
Before I left I made sure the son was up as he had some English to work that is due on Monday and he wasn't appreciative of being reminded that his winter break is over - is that one form of a parents compensation? lol
My ex was at the game and smiled at me with a sort of funny look that had me wondering what I'd done or was going to be asked to do........you know that feeling right?
I sort of stood off to the side as I was really not in the mood for talking but that just wasn't in the cards today as about 10 minutes into the game she called my name and pointed to the empty bench for me to come and sit down. Thinking it best to get it over with I went and sat down but she didn't really say anything out of the ordinary, least not till halftime when she commented about how bad our daughters team was playing and how her coach couldn't find water if he was sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake. That made me laugh and in his defense I said I had to agree that this team was struggling but reminded her that our daughters Sunday team was her summer team and a lot of the players don't play winter soccer as they are off at university. I could see from the corner of my eye that she turned and was staring at me and heard her mutter to herself "who the hell are you and what have you done with the uber competitive soccer coach I know?"
That made me laugh and I told her I was just enjoying myself as a soccer parent and not having to deal with placing players in the right positions, calling set plays off corner kicks, or thinking about changing formations mid game. She stared at me as she replied "Good to see you've not been giving this any thoughts" and then smiled, a real genuine smile. She told me that our daughter had been commenting that she couldn't wait for this season to be over so the next one would get here quicker and she'd get her good coach back. I didn't say anything but could feel the conflict inside me as I'm not sure I want to coach again, not because I don't love it but really for that very reason, I let it consume me and lose sight of the beauty that is watching my daughter play the game she loves so much.
My ex leaned over and told me that our daughter wanted to talk to me after the game so I shouldn't plan on jetting at the final whistle. I looked over and told her I wasn't sure about coaching any time soon and she just shook her head and said that wasn't what she wanted to talk to me about.
I figured there was going to be some request to borrow money so she could get something for her house or maybe to store even more stuff at my place until she moves to her place in May.
The game ended in a 2-1 loss and it really wasn't as close as the score would lead you to believe. There were several things I would have done that might have resulted in a different score but I think not always winning is good as it allows my kids to develop a little humility.
My daughter walked across the pitch and her mother walked away to give us some space. I said I heard she wanted to talk to me and she looked briefly looked at her mom for encouragement and she was told "You said it was important to tell him so go ahead, I'll meet you in the car" and her mom walked out of the dome.
I just looked at my daughter with a raised eyebrow and she smiled at me as I knew that would relax her a little. I smiled and told her just to ask me what she wanted to ask me and we'd go from there. hearing that made her give me a triumphant look and she told me she didn't want anything from me, well not really from me but for me. I asked what she meant and she sort of hesitated and told me that I know she loves me right? I said of course I do and even if you didn't your mother would make you and we both laughed.
Than she did something that completely caught me off guard. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes and said "It's time dad, no more being sad"
I told her I'm not sat and she bluntly told me "Bullshit, you've been pining for C and it's time you face reality, she's moved on and you need to do the same, get out there and start dating, dammit"
My kids aren't usually so direct when dealing with me but for some reason lately they've been taking a different path, maybe it's maturity showing up in them, maybe a sense of frustration seeing me as I am the past couple of months, maybe just that they love me and want me to be happy again. More likely it's a combination of all these things.
I looked away and said it wasn't that easy and again she told me to stop bullshitting her. "talk to people, there are a lot of women who would be lucky to have you, and if C can't see past your mistake and give you another chance like you gave her this summer than don't you dare let it hold you back anymore"
I didn't say anything but knew in my heart that she was right, I'd been pining away waiting for something to happen that I knew deep inside was never going to happen and it was time to start acting like myself again.
She took my arm and we walked out of the dome and as we got near her mom's SUV she made me promise to open up and let myself date again. She said it didn't mean I was closing the door I wanted to be open but rather giving myself options, something she reminded me I'd told her and her brother to do countless times before, of course my entreaties were about getting a good education but it didn't seem like the time to mention that little detail. I promised her I would and gave her a hug goodbye and said we'd talk this week, waved to my ex, and walked to my car.
As I started it up and got the heater going I pulled my iPhone out to text my son to let him know I was heading home and found a text from my ex that she must have sent when I was talking to my daughter that said "You know she is right and both the kids are worried about you, you are too good a man to be alone all the time"
When I got home I let my son know I was going to get dinner going around 5pm and he said that sounded great as it would give me time to set up a new eHarmony account!
I stopped in my tracks at hearing that and he walked down the hall into the kitchen to hug me and said he knew about my talk with his sister. I said to him "so it's gang up on dad day is it" and he smiled and said "if it works than hell yes"
So before starting dinner, butterfly pork chops with some seasonings cooked in a bit of beer, matched with roasted potatoes and yellow beans, I created a new account and signed up for six months.
Why pay Harmony when I could do POF for free you ask? eHarmony brought me C and I'm hoping lightening can strike twice :)
So it looks like I'm back in the dating game, though I don't treat it like a game. I have to admit I feel guilty setting it up, almost like I'm cheating on someone, but I was the one dumped so I guess that is kind of a stupid way too feel isn't it?
My name is Marcus and these are my continuing adventures at being a father, friend, golfer striving to hit the perfect 8 iron from 135 yards, and maybe, just maybe, an imperfectly perfect boyfriend.......
Saturday, January 2, 2016
A Disturbing Call at 2:30AM
January 02/16
Yesterday was one of those recovery days we all have after the holiday's. I worked out a bit in prep for today's session with Connor and ended up at East Side Mario's with my son for dinner as someone was Jonesing for some Italian Wedding Soup!!!!
BTW..it wasn't me craving the soup. No, I had a nice little strip loin with rice and broccoli. Got myself some good proteins and starch :)
Last night was laundry and just relaxing down in the man cave. I ended up heading to bed around 11pm as I wanted to be up early and get the groceries done before hitting the gym for my 12:30 execution, reminding my son his mom was coming by to get him for a haircut around 1pm.
Around 2:30am I was jolted out of my sleep by my phone going off next to me on the nightstand and my first thought was that I'd set the alarm clock wrong, but one look showed me it was an incoming call from the father of one of my sons friends. I answered and the first thing I heard was K asking if his son G was at my place with my son. I said no he wasn't here and what's up?
K told me that G had said he was going over to Tim Horton's with my son and his girlfriend and he hadn't come home yet. He asked if I could call my son and see he if knew where G was and I told him my son was with me this week and had been home all night. I told him to give me a second and I'd go ask my son if he knew what was going on.
I got up and knocked on his door, opening it to flip on the light switch, and asked him if he'd been talking to G at all before he went to bed, he looked a bit confused and said he hadn't spoken to him since the New Years Eve party and asked what was going on so I explained and asked him to text/call his girlfriend T to see if she knew where G was, he said he couldn't do that as they'd broken up just before Christmas.
Not sure how stunned I looked at that moment but he quickly said he was sorry for not telling me but he didn't want me to get mad at him. I said we'd talk about it later and I still needed him to call her and see what the hell was going on. He sent a text and got no response and tried calling without any luck as well. I called K and told him my son wasn't getting any responses and gave him all the contact information I had for her and her parents and he thanked me and said to let him know if I heard anything from G.
All of this sounded so unlike G as he has played on several soccer teams I've coached and he's that kid who every one wants to be friends with, very much like my own son and one of the reasons I liked having him on the teams. G is bright, think top 2% of his class, and a natural athlete so as I hung up I turned to talk to my son.
He said he really didn't know anything about where G was or what he was up to. I told him that was ok and I believed him but was actually bothered that he felt I'd get mad at him for the breakup of his relationship when all I want is for him to be happy in life. Things sort of made more sense as he's been a bit more withdrawn the past week or so and we talked about it and what it means and how he'll deal with it. I told him I'm here if he wants to talk but this is one of those life events that have to be lived and experienced on his own, with some guidance available but not any answers as what we experience is unique to each person.
We headed back to bed and I fell asleep to only be woken back up at 6:30 with a call from my ex asking of I knew what K was looking for as she had two missed calls from him around 2:15am.
I explained what I knew and that it looks like some teenage behavior was going on but thankfully our son wasn't involved.
When I did get up for good at 9:30 I sent K a text asking if G had shown up and he said he was home safe and sound but under some severe punishments for his actions. I was just glad to hear he was home. Around the same time my son got up to get some water and without even thinking asked him if he'd heard anything back from T or G and he had this sad look on his face and told me G had been at T's place all night...........I just walked over and gave him a hug as there are no words I could say to try and make sense out of this.
There used to be a code among friends, regardless of the ages of the people involved, that you don't date the ex of one of your friends but from everything I've heard this doesn't seem to be true anymore and teenagers seem to switch off with each others friends all the time. Kind of sad when you think about the lack of honour and respect they show one another.
As we had some breakfast I smiled at him and said that once people learn about his being single I'm sure his phone will be blowing up with texts from the girls...he laughed and said I thought way too highly of him and I said no, you don't think highly enough about yourself son. He looked up from his bacon and eggs and gave me one of those rueful smiles he seems to be developing.
As I was leaving for the gym I went to check on him and saw him on the phone and asked which game he was playing now and he kind of blushed and said he was chatting with R & from school as they'd texted him to see how he was doing. My money is on R to ask him out first but I think L has the better shot as he's always had a soft spot for her and she is a real looker.
So over course of a few hours I went from my heart pounding with worry about a good kid I've known for almost his entire life to a heart heavy with sadness for my son and what he is feeling right now to one a bit lighter as I saw him smiling once again.
Being a parent means running the range of emotions and not something they cover very well in that parent course they make us all take...wait, they don't have such a course and sometimes I think more is the pity they don't....................
My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"
Yesterday was one of those recovery days we all have after the holiday's. I worked out a bit in prep for today's session with Connor and ended up at East Side Mario's with my son for dinner as someone was Jonesing for some Italian Wedding Soup!!!!
BTW..it wasn't me craving the soup. No, I had a nice little strip loin with rice and broccoli. Got myself some good proteins and starch :)
Last night was laundry and just relaxing down in the man cave. I ended up heading to bed around 11pm as I wanted to be up early and get the groceries done before hitting the gym for my 12:30 execution, reminding my son his mom was coming by to get him for a haircut around 1pm.
Around 2:30am I was jolted out of my sleep by my phone going off next to me on the nightstand and my first thought was that I'd set the alarm clock wrong, but one look showed me it was an incoming call from the father of one of my sons friends. I answered and the first thing I heard was K asking if his son G was at my place with my son. I said no he wasn't here and what's up?
K told me that G had said he was going over to Tim Horton's with my son and his girlfriend and he hadn't come home yet. He asked if I could call my son and see he if knew where G was and I told him my son was with me this week and had been home all night. I told him to give me a second and I'd go ask my son if he knew what was going on.
I got up and knocked on his door, opening it to flip on the light switch, and asked him if he'd been talking to G at all before he went to bed, he looked a bit confused and said he hadn't spoken to him since the New Years Eve party and asked what was going on so I explained and asked him to text/call his girlfriend T to see if she knew where G was, he said he couldn't do that as they'd broken up just before Christmas.
Not sure how stunned I looked at that moment but he quickly said he was sorry for not telling me but he didn't want me to get mad at him. I said we'd talk about it later and I still needed him to call her and see what the hell was going on. He sent a text and got no response and tried calling without any luck as well. I called K and told him my son wasn't getting any responses and gave him all the contact information I had for her and her parents and he thanked me and said to let him know if I heard anything from G.
All of this sounded so unlike G as he has played on several soccer teams I've coached and he's that kid who every one wants to be friends with, very much like my own son and one of the reasons I liked having him on the teams. G is bright, think top 2% of his class, and a natural athlete so as I hung up I turned to talk to my son.
He said he really didn't know anything about where G was or what he was up to. I told him that was ok and I believed him but was actually bothered that he felt I'd get mad at him for the breakup of his relationship when all I want is for him to be happy in life. Things sort of made more sense as he's been a bit more withdrawn the past week or so and we talked about it and what it means and how he'll deal with it. I told him I'm here if he wants to talk but this is one of those life events that have to be lived and experienced on his own, with some guidance available but not any answers as what we experience is unique to each person.
We headed back to bed and I fell asleep to only be woken back up at 6:30 with a call from my ex asking of I knew what K was looking for as she had two missed calls from him around 2:15am.
I explained what I knew and that it looks like some teenage behavior was going on but thankfully our son wasn't involved.
When I did get up for good at 9:30 I sent K a text asking if G had shown up and he said he was home safe and sound but under some severe punishments for his actions. I was just glad to hear he was home. Around the same time my son got up to get some water and without even thinking asked him if he'd heard anything back from T or G and he had this sad look on his face and told me G had been at T's place all night...........I just walked over and gave him a hug as there are no words I could say to try and make sense out of this.
There used to be a code among friends, regardless of the ages of the people involved, that you don't date the ex of one of your friends but from everything I've heard this doesn't seem to be true anymore and teenagers seem to switch off with each others friends all the time. Kind of sad when you think about the lack of honour and respect they show one another.
As we had some breakfast I smiled at him and said that once people learn about his being single I'm sure his phone will be blowing up with texts from the girls...he laughed and said I thought way too highly of him and I said no, you don't think highly enough about yourself son. He looked up from his bacon and eggs and gave me one of those rueful smiles he seems to be developing.
As I was leaving for the gym I went to check on him and saw him on the phone and asked which game he was playing now and he kind of blushed and said he was chatting with R & from school as they'd texted him to see how he was doing. My money is on R to ask him out first but I think L has the better shot as he's always had a soft spot for her and she is a real looker.
So over course of a few hours I went from my heart pounding with worry about a good kid I've known for almost his entire life to a heart heavy with sadness for my son and what he is feeling right now to one a bit lighter as I saw him smiling once again.
Being a parent means running the range of emotions and not something they cover very well in that parent course they make us all take...wait, they don't have such a course and sometimes I think more is the pity they don't....................
My name is Marcus and these are my ongoing and evolving thoughts about being a father, a friend, trying to hit the perfect 8 iron from 130 yards, how I found and lost my "One", and my struggles to move onwards with my life. Some will make you laugh, some smile, some angry, and hopefully most will leave you thinking about life, love, and finding your own "One"
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