Tuesday, January 19/16
I don't want to leave anyone hanging but I'm still going through the self reflection I posted about on Sunday and not sure when I'll be writing about it.
I'll say this much for now, it came about from the combination of a couple of events/conversations. The first was with a follower who sent me a message with a question that at first glance didn't seem all that deep but once I really thought about it found myself feeling kind of low, I know that wasn't the intent but sometimes it just doesn't take much to bring me down these days. The other was something that happened when I was with my daughter at the Chapters at the Kanata Centrum on Sunday and not only made me pause but gave my daughter a little insight into the daily torture I seem to go through more often than not that led her to hug me and ask what she could do to help.
I'm great for giving advice and knowing the right thing to say at any given moment as long as those words are not directed internally at myself, when it comes to my own issues I can't seem to get past the basic steps of grieving and letting go, so much so that I'm not really making any progress in life and made the decision to hide my profile lest I just lead someone on.
I'm not sure if this means the blog is done for until I can get my head straight and life sorted out but it does probably mean it's on hold for the moment with few entries forthcoming.
The self reflection is not entirely due my relationship with C but it does play a large part as I can't seem to understand why it is so hard to move on with my life.
It almost feels like I'm not living my life but watching if from afar and unable to do anything about it as I watch myself careen around a race course bouncing off the retaining walls at high speed.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I know this to be true but my heart really wishes it wasn't as it just fucking aches day after day with no end in sight..............
My name is Marcus and I miss my one!
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