Last Weekends Question

Sunday, January 24/16

Been a lazy weekend with the majority of my time spend indoors.  Did attend my sons soccer game yesterday and did the usual grocery run but other than that we've been inside as he prepares for writing exams starting on Tuesday.  My role has been to work with him on his study schedule, keep him hydrated, and provide snacks every few hours. Almost has me feeling like a trainer for a professional athlete :-)

Oh, and I did have my Saturday session with Connor where we did some leg and ab work. So much so that my abs are now so sore that even clearing my throat makes me wince. Painful and yet a reminder of where I'm heading over the next few months.

Last weekend I sort of spiralled out of control emotionally when a follower of the blog asked me a question. The question wasn't the issue but rather the emotions it brought up within me. Yes, I admit they were centered on C but over the last week I've come to realize they were good ones and not something to fight in the future.

The question was kind of personal but I've never been one to shy away from answering them as long as I didn't feel like they either crossed any lines or would reflect unfairly on someone other than myself.

The follower explained that she was out of a relationship and found the hardest part to be the lack of intimacy in her life and wondered if I also missed the sex as much as she did. Now to be clear here, she was referring to missing it with her former boyfriend and not me.

It brought back some memories for me and I had that lost feeling once more, not something I've quite been able to deal with that well but it did get me to thinking and here is my answer.

Yes, I absolutely miss sex with C but even more I miss the intimacy I shared with her. Sex is easy and fun but intimacy makes it all come full circle. Intimacy is making love and oh so much more. It is the look across a room that says wait till we get upstairs, it's the gentle caress of a hand on your arm or shoulder as your partner walks past, it's the feeling of her breathe on the back of your neck as she snuggles up as you two fall asleep, it's the twinkle in her eyes as she touches you knowing she will get the perfect reaction of out of you, it's the scent of her perfume lingering long after she has left the room, it's the smile she flashes you that makes your heart skip a beat, the look she gives you when you walk through the door after time apart, and so much more.

Intimacy is waking up in the middle of the night and taking that second to listen for her breathing before falling back asleep. Intimacy is sharing your deepest desires and darkest fears knowing they will support and be there for you. Intimacy is putting her pleasure and needs above your own without any expectation about her reactions, you just want her to be happy and have that moment to let go and experience it all.

As I pondered the question all of that came back to me and left me feeling more than a bit sorry for myself since I had it and lost it. But the one thing I took to heart is that I didn't have those things before C came into my life and while I've lost them for the moment, there is nothing to say I might not have them again down the road.

I've had relationships before and there was sex involved but I can honestly say that when they came to an end I didn't pine away over the lost sex, maybe it was because I knew that what I had and didn't have any more was only transitory in nature, that the real thing had yet to come into my life, or maybe I just wasn't really ready for the intimacy to be there to make it special to me.

I think C knows the most about me of all the people who have come into my life. It was just easy to talk to her and it never felt like I was opening myself up to being hurt, ridiculed, or thought less of by her.  We just connected that way and I'd like to think that she felt the same way.

I miss her body and how it made me feel. I miss it like I never missed it before. Hell, before I met C I'd had a couple of rather long periods of being abstinent, not for lack of opportunities but because I just couldn't do the deed to say I did the deed.

I think over the course of all the nights we were together I can honestly count on one hand the number of times we didn't take advantage of being physical with one another and that is something I miss with her. Not the sex by itself but the sex with her as it just worked so well and we each made the other feel like the only person in the world.

November sucked as I'd wake up each morning and find myself looking over to her side of the bed and feeling that emptiness inside me. December was slightly better but still I found that ache inside that wasn't being soothed by the one who made me feel whole.  So far January has seen me moving back towards accepting my abstinence and not minding so much almost back to where I was before the relationship took off back in November 2014.

I'm making progress and know that while I'll have an off day now and again that I'll start to feel more confident and maybe put myself out there once more to see what could happen.

So bottom line is that I do miss sex but miss the intimacy even more that I once was privileged to share with an amazing woman named C.


My name is Marcus and these entries are my attempt to document my efforts to be a good father, friend, master the 135 yard 8 iron, and maybe get myself back out into the dating world so I might meet the one........