January 06/16
My musical suggestion is "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. This one matches my mood perfectly
So over the past few days I've been getting the occasional smile sent my way on the site about my profile but haven't really been making much of an effort myself to look at the matches being sent to me. Partially because I just find it mentally exhausting to look at profiles and try and imagine myself on a date with the person and partially because I never thought I'd be back at square one starting all over again and find it more than a bit depressing.
I promised my kids and myself I'd try but I never went into any details on how hard I'd try and think this is going to be a really long process as I just don't see it happening very soon.
One issue is that this site was where I was brought into contact with C and it just reminds me of what I had and what I lost. I know that it's also proof of what's possible and I should really take that to heart more than anything else but it's just hard, much harder than I imagined it would be when I agreed to open up and create the account. I have this irrational fear that I'll come across a new potential match and the profile will be one set up by C. How utterly poetic would that be? A brutal reminder that I was matched with her once before and here we are matched again without the possibility of it being real this time around.
I was talking to my ex this morning about the kids and the conversation turned to our son and what he plans on doing soccer wise this summer as he is torn between playing competitive and going back to house league to play with his friends. I mentioned that I'd listed him with the club as competitive this summer so that option stays open and would do the same with the old club so he has the option to play rec league as well. His mother said she thought that sounded good and asked what were my plans in regards to coaching and I said the club had already asked me if I'd consider coaching this summer but that I hadn't made any decisions as a lot of it depends on what our son decides. She asked if it was as a head coach or assistant coach and I told her I think as an AC as there looks to be only three U17 teams this summer versus the four U16 teams they fielded last season. She wondered how I'd like that given my frustration with the old HC from last season and I said I thought I'd done pretty well last season, she laughed and said I was frustrated being an AC last year and I replied that was due to dealing with the HC until I was able to move him in the direction we needed to go. That made her laugh and she said it was my call and I should talk to the boy about it and I said I already had but was still unsure as it did cut into my golf time and we both know how much I love golf and my kids.
She sighed and said I needed to find something other than golf and soccer to occupy my time in the summer and before I could stop myself I replied "C filled that void and now I'm lost"
I think she was as shocked as I was to hear me say that and I could almost see the sadness in her eyes as I heard her reply "I know and wish I could do something to help you but it's something you've got to get through on your own"..............................
When I got home tonight I seasoned some pork and tossed it in the oven as I pulled out potatoes and started to cut them into quarters and mixed them with some oil and seasonings. I opened up my phone to check on the time and temp to cook them at when my son came into the kitchen and caught me staring at the notes app. He asked what was wrong and I told him nothing as he came to stand next to me and looked at my phone, without saying a word he hugged me and said he loved me and I was going to get through this and meet someone special. Before I could ask what brought that comment on he grabbed a bottle of water and headed back to his room to work on his English homework, as he walked away I looked down at the phone and realized what made him do and say that as the note was titled "C's Food Notes" and were a list of several items and how to prepare them.
I find myself reminded of her all the time and wonder if she ever thinks of me, if she misses me as much as I miss her. I have these thoughts and then know she doesn't as how could she if she ended things between us.
I could feel the tears coming and knew there was nothing I could do to avoid them so I went down to the basement and let them flow, in gratitude for having such an empathetic son and for having had such an amazing woman in my life, Yes, she's gone for good from my life but that doesn't mean that she isn't still having a positive impact on my life.
Today was one of those days and I'm sure to have more before the clouds clear and I can see the sunrise, and just maybe the sunset with someone beside me.
They say that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger so considering the rough shape my heart is in these days I can only imagine the machine it'll be this time next year :)
My name is Marcus and I had the one in my life but wasn't secure enough in her love for me to show her how awesome I felt with her. These are my ongoing adventures in parenting, golfing, coaching, and possibly one day dating and loving again.
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