Today's musical recommendation -
"Armour Love" by La Roux
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When I was younger I wasn't into the whole
party scene or heading out to bars/clubs. As I've mentioned before I am and
have always been a pretty shy guy so those venues would have been pure torture
for someone like myself and that pretty much meant the opportunities for
developing the whole one night stand, no-strings-attached hookups, and friends
with benefits arrangement was about as likely as winning the lottery.
But as I've learned over the last few years
one should never say never as I've had two such opportunities develop and I'm
not happy with the outcomes in the least. Don't get me wrong, though I like to
put myself down and say I'm Igor like ugly I'm really not that bad on the
eyes.....and yes someone other than my mother and ex have told me this so there
lol
My first opportunity came a few months
after my separation during that period where you wonder if you'll ever meet
someone and actually see them find you attractive/desirable.....we spoke at
length for a couple of weeks and than made the decision to meet for drinks and
dinner....now our conversations had pretty much covered all topics and left us
feeling comfortable with one another without those first date jitters.....once
dinner was over we ended up taking a walk downtown and she turned to me and
asked what we were doing as she just really wanted to be alone with me.....so
back to my place we went and after some wine proceeded to do what adults
do......everything was great until the next morning when I felt a huge amount
of guilt....like I'd done something wrong and taken advantage of my
friend....and that is really how I viewed her....my friend....when we talked
the next night she sensed something wrong and asked me what was up......I
confessed to her that I was having some huge doubts about what we'd done and
she asked me if I'd enjoyed myself, to which I replied in the affirmative and
she said she had too and to stop thinking so much about things and just enjoy
the moments........but what I came to realize was that while I did enjoy myself
and was happy I'd done a few things right so that she'd enjoyed herself I was
left feeling empty inside......
Now I value my ex's opinions and we've
talked about a lot of things before, during, and after our marriage so I asked
her what was wrong with me and she laughed and said I should have called her
before the date and I could have saved myself some heartache.....I told her I
didn't understand and she sighed and replied that I was the one and only man
she'd ever known who actually had to feel something inside for the other person
in order to allow myself to let go and enjoy the act.........and as I sat there
thinking about what she had told me I realized she was right......I'm really
not wired to just go out and have sex for the sake of sex....I need to feel a
connection for it to mean something and not consume me with guilt afterwards.
The second opportunity came up last year
with someone I'd gone out with a few times. We were both busy with work and
family but still liked to go out and spend time doing dinner or taking in a
movie. She jokingly asked me one night while taking a drink how long had it
been since I'd had sex and when I told her over a year I thought she was going
to choke.....she couldn't imagine a guy going that long without sex but the
truth is I had never really counted the time....it isn't like I haven't
appreciated the company of some nice females but the time was just never right
with any of them......my friend said it had been 3 months for her and she had
to do something about it or the "itch" as she called it would drive
her crazy.......she proposed that we have dinner and see a movie that coming
weekend and partake of some carnal pleasure........things went well until the
movie ended........I completely panicked and knew I wouldn't be able to ever
see her again if we ended up doing the beast with two backs, side note here my
friend owes me $10 for looping this military jargon into my blog, so I excused
myself to the restroom and called my friend and said he had to call me in 15
minutes with an emergency so I could extract myself from the
situation.........which he did and I did......but I've still not been able to
see that friend since that weekend as I know the option is still on the table
for her and it isn't with me. Now before anyone wonders if I bailed due to
looks or shape let me assure you that is far from the case as she is way out of
my league but sometimes a good personality wins the girl.....not often but
sometimes :)
So what is your take on FWB's......have
you/could you do this kind of arrangement?
What happens if real feelings develop for
one person but not the other?
How do you handle it when one person meets
someone else and wants to explore things and leaves the other person feeling
abandoned.......
I
think for myself I'll keep waiting for that click...that spark.....and then
make up for lost time lol
I have thought, very often, of friends with benefits, but I never knew how to approach it. I also think that feelings would enter the picture, and inevitably, someone would get hurt....but, wouldn't it be nice? I just ended a relationship that contained the best sex ever, but many of the other important connections were lacking. This relationship was very difficult to leave, but I cannot settle. The "friendship" is far more important to me, and it is the true bond that I need in my partner.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your insight on the topic. It is good to know that men can feel the same way. We all just want to be loved as a whole being, I suppose.